Please help, son is considering euthanasia

[DesertOrchid558]

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I think he is just using the euthanasia to scare you in to doing what he wants. To me it sounds like he is manipulating you in to giving him a free ride. You need to have a very honest conversation with him and tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and you won't continue to support him. I understand that you're scared of losing your son if you don't support him but I don't think his threats have any substance. If his life really is as bad as he makes out and he wanted to die he would have attempted suicide already.

He’s playing the victim big time to get money out of you. Only you can stop this.

Your ds’s mental health is not your responsibility. I agree with the consensus that you need to cut the apron strings and put yourself first. He is manipulative and cruel. How many times are you going to throw money at the problem before you realise money is not the solution? It is not your job to fix him. You can’t. That can only come from him and right now he isn’t prepared to take responsibility for himself. Therefore the only solution is for him to reach rock bottom so that he can hopefully start living and fix himself.

Your son is suggesting that you give him more money and let him lead a comfortable life or he will consider suicide. It sounds manipulative and nasty but the other side of the coin is he might just do it.

However, this is impractical and people like this will never be happy how much you give them. They always want more.

You need to get to the root cause and I think the best way is to get him to refer himself to psychiatric evaluation. He probably won’t do this though, so the only other way is to decide wether to keep funding him.

Be careful you don’t alienate your daughter who might think it’s unfair the financial and emotional help you give your son far outweighs the help she gets.

What I would do - Be there and support him but not financially. He needs to grow up from this weed induced immaturity, but he will mostly gave to do this on his own.

Or consider going low contact as it’s affecting your mental health too.

My brother was exactly the same. He did have a mental health condition and self medicated with weed. He refused to see a doctor for his mental health problems because they didn't exist. his problems and my parents response of continual support meant he spent at least a decade being supported by them. When you're 30 odd years old and still being funded by your parents you tend to feel a bit crap about yourself. Anyway finally he recognised that he needed to get a life. He now has a job, funds a flat and is married. his mental health is better but he lives miles from my parents. The relationship between him and my parents was very unhealthy. It took distance to help.

So there is hope. I think getting therapy for yourself is a good idea. The manipulation is horrible and you'll not be able to see clearly what you can do. The relationship between you and your son is not healthy and it will only change if one of you is brave enough to do something different. You can't make him get help or make him happy. You can only control your behaviour. Don't let him waste the best years of his life like my brother did. Be brave.

This is grim for you, OP. I doubt he really wants to end his life; he wants the drama and the excuse to blame everyone for not smoothing his path through life energetically enough.

I would be inclined to say to him that, having repeatedly responded to his requests in the past, you find yourself worse off financially and cannot see that he is any happier than before, so continuing to pour your money away to meet his demands is stopping
as of now.

Tell him you love him and you still wish he would reach out for the expert support you are not qualified to offer and continue to hope that he will. Explain that you are ready to support and encourage his attempts to get well through engaging in therapy.

Finally - and this is the key message - acknowledge that his life is his own to do with as he pleases and he has your permission to end it if it is what he truly wants to do, but you will never encourage or facilitate this in any way. Assure him you see him as a fully functioning adult with 100% responsibility for his life and his actions who does not need your permission or approval for anything any more.

You have to let him go. It might be the rock bottom he needs to touch before he can come up. If he does end his life (and he might, though it's unlikely, as he hasn't so far) that will be his choice and his responsibility, not your fault.

Going on as you have done is helping nobody, so I think this is the wisest, most loving path to take.

3 words to dealing with an addict:

CUT HIM OFF

Harsh and very difficult as parent, but honestly, at the moment you are facilitating his lifestyle. He needs to hit rock bottom in order to pick himself up. It's a long and painful process, but the only real solution.

I agree with the previous suggestion to speak to al-anon for support for yourself. You can’t change him, he’s got to work it out for himself.

It's emotional blackmail. He couldn't afford dignitas. To not only the flight but also it costseems at least £10,000 and there are stringent controls.
I won't go into the ins and outs but my own son was an absolute monster between 19 and 28 due to skunk use and ended up after a failed suicide attempt in a psychiatric ward. He now has a job, a partner and a nice life. I had to be quite tough and spell it out that he needed a job and a life and that there were going to bring no more freebies.
It was a terrible time. Some youngsters think our generation owe them a living.
I tell my son he will inherit my house when I'm gone but meanwhile has to go to work like everyone else.
He knows I cannot pay for him to do nothing. He had to get a job of some kind.
Your son will get over himself but it's going to take some tough love
For example you will pay for nothing all the time is is smoking weed.
Good luck.

Oh op you poor thing, your son has really done a number on you hasn't he, as previous posters said you dont just book a flight and get an appointment that's not how it works. A therapist once told me you and you alone are responsible for your own happiness no one else can be held accountable for your happiness. Your son has to accept responsibility for himself and you need to accept you have done everything setting up flats looking after him.
I have no advice unfortunately as it is so easy for people to say cut him off but you love him. The only thing I can say is step back a little as you have to look after your own wellbeing x

Op its time to cut the ties with him honestly! Its time he had a text back telling him your not going to keep putting up with his shit !

What are you going to do about the apartment? Now you will have to pay his rent!?

I really feel for you OP, it is an incredibly difficult and heartbreaking situation to be in. I know in my situation I spent a lot of time doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons. It is easier said than done to let someone you love hit rock bottom and goes against the natural instincts of being a parent.
I suggest you text back and let him know that you are contacting the relevant agencies with regards to suicide ideation and suggest that it would be beneficial for him to get help with his mental health and addiction issues.
This situation will never be resolved with more and more money. If only it was that easy !

He's not considering euthanasia - he's just trying to emotionally blackmail you

Don't say no, just don't respond. And see a solicitor about getting out of the guarantor contract.

You have done far too much for him and you now have an adult baby unable to take responsibility. Stop talking about him to your partner, stop responding to your son.

It's time to focus on you and your relationship. Your son needs to start working out his own life. Stop giving him money you are not helping him anymore, you're just enabling his arseholiness

Euthanasia?
He is not threatening suicide. He is not suicidal. He thinks you are going to pay for someone else to kill him.
How about "sorry. No can do. All my money has gone on your rent, twatface".

He's a drug addict and it's turned him into a psycho (to use imprecise 'everyday' language).

He needs help for his addiction and MH problems. You need to make his receiving that help - and demonstrating real progress - a condition of any future help.

This reads as a classic addiction story, whereby for as long as you support him you just feed and grow the addiction and perpetuate his ruined life. You need to stop funding his self-destruction, let him hit rock bottom, then and only then, he might recognise the need to take action to pull himself out and take some responsibility for sorting his own life out.

In the nicest possible way, he's manipulating you and you're enabling him. I didn't catch how old he was? He is relying on mum to bail him out if he shit life decisions - and you do it...third apartment in 2 years etc.

It's reasonable that he may have an underlying depression that's he's not treating,(or is self medicating) but he otherwise seems immature yet controlling if you.

It's unreasonable to think any healthy person can swan off and 'euthanise' themselves in Sweden....

Time to cut the apron strings. You owe it to yourself, your partner and your own happiness.

Stop enabling him.

Urgh I have two younger brothers like this. I’m so glad my mum eventually cut one of them off and kicked him out, and I’m sure the other is not far behind. Weed use makes lazy boys even worse! Can not stand them playing the victim, acting like the world owes them something. The one who got cut off has made a life for himself, he’s still a pain and not that nice to be around, but you can’t parent a shit personality out of an adult.
Cut him off, let him finally make something of himself. The whole time you are trying to make him, he doesn’t have to try and make himself.

What an awful situation op.

He sounds like an addict.

Please get advice from addiction charities but I think the advice you've had here covers it - no more emotional abuse to you.

And stop enabling him, unfortunately.
Hopee you're ok.

Was gambling away the rent money not the last straw for you?

It sounds as though he earns money and can afford a flat and a life, just not the lifestyle he'd prefer. Well, that's life for most of us really, isn't it!

His sense of entitlement to other people's money is a very unpleasant trait. probably an affect of the drugs and his stilted mental development. It could just be his personality. Is he aggressive or violent? Are you scared of what he might do, to you, his sister or grandparents, if you cut him off?

He sounds like a PITA. Pay for it.

@Oceanbliss and @GodolphianArabian

Both very good posts and sensible advice.

My heart goes out to you OP - keep on trying.

My husband has elements of this behaviour. When off his meds he is an anxious depressive who blames everyone else for his problems, and intensely manipulates me and our daughter, and his father too. He doesn't do drugs though, but has had drinking problems in his past.

It's not as bad as OP's son but I say to him when he's "off on one", you can get back on the wagon and take your pills and stop being so maudlin and stay, or you can fuck off to your Dad's house and lose both of us. He values our support over everything so he eventually realises what a dick he's being and straightens up.

As someone about to take on NHS counselling myself, after an 8 month wait, I completely understand that most care for the mentally unstable is now done by friends, relatives and charities. It's too fucking hard getting support unless you pitch up at A&E and say you want to kill yourself, or make an actual attempt on your own life. OP, call an ambulance and get your son to hospital. It's that stark.

I have a brother who sounds very much like your DS. And my dm treated him the same was as you treat yours. It's just enabling him to continue to be self centred and greedy.
Your DS is an adult. He needs to stop abusing you emotionally, its controlling and coercive behaviour.
I suggest you have some counselling yourself for the circumstances you are now in, then think very carefully about what you want your relationship with your DS to look like moving forward.
Tell him the money tree is bare, you will not give in to his blackmail demands, and ignore him when he tries to blame you /threaten suicide etc. From what you say you've done more than enough to support him, he's just demanding more and more from you. This is not a healthy way for either of you to live.
Now's the time to put yourself first. 🌺

OP,ihad 10 years of this with my son, in the end i opened the door and told him to leave. It was the best thing for both of us, He now has made his way in the world. He will not help himself until you stop babying him, you are not helping him you are hindering him. Let go, he is not a child