Please help, son is considering euthanasia

[DesertOrchid558]

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

I must agree with @MitziK, I think it's just another way for him to get you. I'd consider going no contact until he sorts himself out because at the minute, as hard as it may be to hear, you are enabling him.

@DowntownAbby that's not needed. She is a mother who loves her child and she is lost she has come here for help not to be told off for giving him money. I've only ever known one mother who disowned her son all the other mothers I know fight tooth and nail for their children right or wrong as its instinct to try and protect our children.

OP knows what she needs to do but it's easy to say it doing it is a whole other ball game.

No wonder he’s gone off the rails if he’s been smoking weed since he was 15. I’m so sorry for what he’s putting you through. I wouldn’t worry about the euthanasia. They won’t just put someone down because they’re unhappy. He’s clearly trying to get more cash from you. I think the fact that you’ve facilitated his behaviour over the years (albeit with the best of intentions) means that until you pull away from him this cycle will just continue. It’s going to take a massive amount of strength from you but I’m not sure what else you can do. It’s easy for us all to tell you to disown him but I’m sure the reality for you would be very difficult. I have a son in his early 20’s and I’m not sure what would make me cut him from my life. I’m not sure I agree with the “he won’t commit suicide because he’s talking about doing it”.

OP if your son is an addict of gambling and/or drugs can you explain why you give him money? He is an addict so will manipulate the people closest to them and lie to them to get what he needs to fuel his addictions.

If you ever decide he needs money for rent, food, whatever you never give him the actual money. Pay the money directly to the landlord or you buy the goods then give them to him. Importantly never buy anything expensive for him so he can't resell it.

Regardless please listen to PP. You need to get counselling for yourself and put boundaries in place for his behaviour. By pandering to him you are not helping him at all. He needs to hit rock bottom before he realises he is the only one who can pick himself up, and it is not up to you or anyone else to do this for him.

Tell him yes course you will but you have to save up for it so don’t ask for another thing until you leave. He’s 24 stop enabling him to behave like this and he can get a job and pay for his own flat and don’t be a guarantor. Get yourself to the Drs they will help with the way you are feeling. Good luck but don’t feel guilty about the way he is feeling because he knows what buttons to press to get his own way. If your husband behaved like this wouldn’t you call it emotional abuse?

This sounds like your son has figured out the best way to threaten you and is manipulating you to try to get what he wants. Not unusual behaviour from someone with an active addiction. Re his depression, I'm wondering why he refuses to get any help. Its very common for people in active addiction to claim or think they have depression, and they're not necessarily wrong because all of the substances theyre using can create depressive feelings along the way.

I would suggest you speak to a support organisation for families of loved ones with addiction. They often have helplines or offer 1:1 meetings as well as groups- talking to others who know what you are going through can be extremely powerful. Perhaps ask your GP what's available locally?

You need some support for yourself OP

He keeps manipulating you because he thinks you'll keep giving and giving. He thinks that by threatening suicide you'll be scared and you'll give him exactly what he wants. What a horrible, nasty, disgusting human being he sounds.

What you need to do is give him a shock and cut him off. Tell him 2020 will be different and he is going to be standing on his own 2 feet from now on. He has had years to prepare since he has went about for years telling everyone that he doesn't get support, so here it is. I doubt he even has depression, more like shit life syndrome which only he can fix. He sounds like he is just a prize manipulator.

I know he is your kid but what would you advise him if he ended up with a kid that treated him like this?

You need to end this behaviour

He is not considering euthanasia in Switzerland, he is emotionally blackmailing you in the cruelest of ways. He is giving you no choice, as you are terrified he might actually do something to himself, it will then be your fault, and he knows it.

You need to speak to someone to find out how you let go of him and let him make his own way in the world. This really needs to be a wake up call, what you are currently doing is not actually helping him.

OP what a horrible situation to be in and I'm not surprised you are constantly worrying he is your son and of course you don't want him to take his own life I'd be worried sick constantly too!

I don't agree with posters saying to cut your son off because that's not going to stop you worrying about him I find it disgusting that people could happily abandon their children when the going gets tough.

He may have smoked weed at 15 for fun but he's 24 now and using that as an escapism which thousands of people do. It doesn't make him a bad person. He's behaviours the manipulation, emotional blackmail those things shine when someone has an addiction like I said he's not a bad person he's desperate and the depression needs addressing.

I know you said he won't seek any help at all from the GP etc but how about you say to him that you will go with him? I know he's not a child anymore but what about some sort of deal between you both like if he gets help for he's addictions then maybe book some driving lessons so In a way reward him for the good, this could give him some motivation and then you arnt wasting money on habits.
Start with the gambling tackle the weed last imo.

Again so sorry you are going through this

Just another one chiming in to add a note of hope.

My eldest son was very like this (although not quite to the extent of threatening suicide). He expected life to be smoothed and taken care of by other people from the moment he left school, almost as though the 'growing up' part of his brain hadn't developed. He didn't realise that he'd be expected to get a job, be self financing and self reliant, seemed to think he could stay at home and doss about and live off me forever.

I showed him the door. He sofa surfed for a while, became depressed, smoked weed, lost jobs, (I got him a flat and paid three months rent up front, he refused to go to the job he'd got and lived off the rent deposit until the landlord kicked him out).

He's now employed, housed, and our relationship is ...okay. Probably not the best but we are fond of one another and he's turning into a kind and loving man - but he's nearly thirty and he's ten years emotionally behind his siblings.

But they can turn it around. My son was manipulative and devious, but it's over now. He just needed to realise that it was all down to him. That HE had to make his own life, for HIM.

Your life is misery. He is broke, has an addiction & every time you bail him out he does it all again. Why would he stop ?
You have to stop enabling him, he won't help himself, he won't even see a doctor.
I would say you are not considering any further financial help until he gets himself to Doctor, Rehab, Gambling help....
You are not taking responsibility for his drug addiction, his depression can be treated, he can work & provide for himself, but have you cannot get blood from a stone, & the bank is empty, he is destroying your mental health too. It stops now

Your ds’s mental health is not your responsibility.

THIS ^

I would be inclined to say to him that, having repeatedly responded to his requests in the past, you find yourself worse off financially and cannot see that he is any happier than before, so continuing to pour your money away to meet his demands is stopping as of now.

Tell him you love him and you still wish he would reach out for the expert support you are not qualified to offer and continue to hope that he will. Explain that you are ready to support and encourage his attempts to get well through engaging in therapy.

Finally - and this is the key message - acknowledge that his life is his own to do with as he pleases and he has your permission to end it if it is what he truly wants to do, but you will never encourage or facilitate this in any way. Assure him you see him as a fully functioning adult with 100% responsibility for his life and his actions who does not need your permission or approval for anything any more.

And THIS ^

OP - Please remember that whatever happens IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, NOR YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Easy for us to say, I know - this is your child, and you love him beyond measure - but I also think that you are so exhausted that you are finding it hard even to think clearly about his future.

What happens to him when you are gone? He will be an adult man with no-one to leech off. He could make your DD's life a misery, too, or be a bad or terrifying influence on any children she might have, or destroy any relationships she is in. Do you want to risk that?

You have done everything possible to help him - money, a flat, counselling etc - you now have to help him to help himself, and he will never even try as long s he has a safety net in you.

For all of your sakes, you need to cut the financial tie between you. And probably the emotional one, too, for a while. Tell him that you can't do it any longer - financially you have nothing left to give. But that you will support him emotionally IF he will make a determined effort to get himself together.

He won't get better if you keep on the way you are, and you will become very ill yourself. Please get help for yourself, and advice as to how to step back from his manipulative behaviour.

YANBU.

He claims only weed or whatever helps his depression, but he won't even go to his GP, so he can't say that. Even if he's tried some meds in the past, there are dozens of different options- he needs to keep going back. Same goes for therapy. If he won't do anything to help himself, there's not much you can do.

He is partly using his talk of illness, 'neglect,' suicide etc to try and get stuff out of you, of course.

I was a bit like this and it turns out my mental health problems etc. were more complex than any of us knew at the time. At 25 I had my first hospital admission for bipolar. Once they found a medication that worked for my bipolar, I was quite a bit better at budgeting etc, although that was more of a knock-on effect. Bipolar is episodic so you can't usually have episodes all the time, yet I still couldn't handle work. I was 40 before I was diagnosed with ADHD with autistic features, and personality disorder traits.

I remember once in particular I pulled this sort of shit with my mum. I was living with her at the time and wrote her a rambling letter, can't remember all of it but at one point it said 'my death (which will be soon)' rolls eyes

Mum wrote me a letter back and at one point it said 'you were very much loved and wanted.' (I can't remember the rest lol, but by putting it in the past tense she didn't mean I no longer was, just that I was from birth or whatever.) It has stuck in my mind.

Maybe write him a letter? State how much you love him etc, and wish he would seek help so he can feel better.

Then, whenever he goes on about suicide, call an ambulance. He might soon get bored of that, plus it's the best thing you can do to protect him.

Sometimes people with mental health problems need to 'sink' a little before they can swim. If he goes through some sort of more profound incident with his condition, one way of another he might have an encounter with services , and get medicated etc.

My parents helped me financially through university (I could never have managed without the extra help, as I was crrap at budgeting and really addicted to cigarettes- spent about £50 a week on them over 20 years ago.)

Them helping me financially and with repeatedly setting me up in flats etc, meant my condition/help wasn't picked up by services and I wasn't given the help I needed until several years or more after what would've been ideal. So, you, as many decent parents would, are probably slowing him getting help that would make him function better, which the earlier he gets it the better the outcome will be at least in terms of his threats to self harm etc, if not with work (which he may not be able to manage for some as yet undiagnosed reason.)

I don't necessarily have the answers, but feel you might have to nag him to get help as your only response, even more than you are now. Have calling emergency services be your only response to his suicidal threats and comments/manipulation, and have speaking to his GP etc as your only response to him mentioning his depression. Not only is this the best action you can take for his health, but also it to an extent takes the pressure off you, as you're saying to yourself as well as him that you can't help him, he needs professional help, it's not your 'responsibility' as you don't have the skills and the necessary distance a professional would have.

Sorry for the long winded post. Hugs and best wishes xxxxx

First of all, none of this is your fault, as much as he wants you to think that. To echo the sentiment, he's manipulating you.

I wouldn't cut him off emotionally but financially, you need to stop funding his lifestyle or he'll be a lazy sponger forever.

I'd tell him why you're doing it, too. Unlikely he'll listen so I'd write him a letter explaining that financially you have nothing left to give. His expensive moves have left you with nothing left to gift him and he needs to stand on his own two feet. You've worked hard to give your children a good start but theres nothing left in the pot.

I'd add that noone is entitled to a fancy lifestyle and grandparents don't exist to fund this. They've worked hard to have what they do and it's time he worked hard too. I'd finish by saying your greatest fear is that he'll do something drastic and you want him to visit the GP to get help. You'll attend the appointments with him if needed.

It's easy to blame yourself in situations like this but please don't. Your daughter isn't the same like you say.

Good luck however you choose to handle the situation.

You need to accept you are not responsible for his happiness to stop yourself being hurt by the spoilt dopehead.
He needs to be allowed to forge his own way in life and use the advantages he has to live in the adult world.

Dignitas doesn’t work like that: he’s blackmailing you. You need to show him tough love. Stop any financial assistance until he stops the drugs. Set ground rules about how you’re prepared to be spoken to. State the rules clearly at the first sign of nastiness. Reject the behaviour not him per se.
“That is a hurtful and very rude way to speak. It is unacceptable in this house. You need to be courteous or leave”. Repeat as necessary.

Don’t enter debate or discussion - close down any attempt at blaming you. “I am sorry you feel distressed. Drugs can cause depression. I think you need to accept responsibility for yourself and your own happiness”. Repeat as necessary.

Do not give any money to fund his habits.

Taking a different view here.
While you've been supportive financially and practically, OP, might there be any way that emotionally as he was growing up, that you failed to support him? It may be that there are elements of his life story that might (also) contribute to his emotional pain now? Yes his current behaviour is awful, but also he's clearly suffering and struggling with adulthood.

Is there anything from his childhood, from HIS perspective, that might have contributed to where he is now? That you might need to apologise for?

I'm trying to be kind here, not blaming the mother. And I speak from a degree of experience- I suffered and self medicated as a result of my "D"F's emotional behaviour to me; and I have caused suffering to my DS too. Its taken years of therapy to understand and accept that. My adult DS is depressed anxious and struggles hugely, he has been NC with me for 2 years, and I would give so much to have the chance to apologise to him (I have, by letter of course).

Yes your DS is a manipulator, selfish, hurtful, and lazy. But why is he turning to these behaviours?

You say that your DD is a fully functioning person; so is mine. But who knows, maybe the experience of growing up alongside a "perfect" sister might have contributed to your DS's sense of inadequacy and of measuring love in £. Perhaps the experiences, whatever they were, for him of your DP entering your life made your DS feel insecure and anxious.

It hurts so much, to see your child suffer and to want to help but not know the best thing to do. The terror of their taking their life makes choices feel impossible. I suppose the only thing left to you is to look inwards - and counselling might help you not only in terms of how to behave around him in the immediate future but also to review how his childhood might have impacted on him.

I'm not saying "oh blame the mother" - I'm trying to say that perhaps in this instance there might be more to your DS's feelings. He is not a shite or a git or any of the other phrases that discount a suffering human being. He was once a toddler full of innocence and love.

Time to let him go! He's a big boy now and you're doing him no favours.

Don't flame me but I do understand where he's coming from - I feel like this a lot myself. Why did my parents have me, knowing I would have to work 9-5 until I'm 70? A lot of life is shit and I have never, ever done a job that I've liked or haven't quit within 18 months. I often feel quite despondent that the rest of my life will be job-hopping from one pointless office job that I hate (making money for shareholders) into another. I wouldn't top myself now as it would upset too many people, but if I could go back in time and tell my mum not to have me, I would.

However, I'd never tell my parents this, so he's being very cruel and manipulative by telling you. You can hardly pop him back into the womb now, can you? Once you're alive you just have to muddle through doing the best you can.

Euthenasia is for the terminally ill wanting a dignified death.
It's not the same as committing suicide.

Its hard for you, but your son chose to take drugs, and has become an addict.
Constantly bailing him out financially is enabling him.

And the whole "you need to work hard because your parents and grandparents did" - but why, if you didn't ask to be born in the first place?

He’s 24 now and at some point he has to take responsibility for his own life and his own depression and find his answers other than from drugs and blaming other people. Or not. Either way - there’s nothing you can do. You can’t fix him, however much you have tried.

What an emotionally bankrupt person he is. I agree with everybody on the thread OP, time to cut him off from your generous bankrolling because it's not helping him and is to your detriment.

You're a parent, not a bloody hostage to your 'child'. He needs to grow up.

I don't know what he thinks he'd get from Dignitas because 1) they wouldn't do it, and 2) it costs a few £000.

I'm really sorry that he's dropped this on you. He needs to learn a sharp lesson very fast and realise that you are not his emotional punchbag.

Don't flame me but I do understand where he's coming from - I feel like this a lot myself. Why did my parents have me, knowing I would have to work 9-5 until I'm 70? A lot of life is shit and I have never, ever done a job that I've liked or haven't quit within 18 months. I often feel quite despondent that the rest of my life will be job-hopping from one pointless office job that I hate (making money for shareholders) into another. I wouldn't top myself now as it would upset too many people, but if I could go back in time and tell my mum not to have me, I would.

If you hate office jobs, can you not think of something you enjoy and do some training for it?

And the whole "you need to work hard because your parents and grandparents did" - but why, if you didn't ask to be born in the first place?

Stuff that shit!

"Didn't ask to be born, my arse!

A) None of us "ask" to be born in one sense

but

B) That particular spermatozoon struggled like hell to be the first one to the ovum - so YES! We DO "ask" to be born!

He’s emotionally blackmailing you. He’s a child holding his breath for attention.