Please help, son is considering euthanasia

[DesertOrchid558]

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
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"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
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Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

Well done OP. I hope you continue to feel strong and have a peaceful New Year x

Oh OP. How utterly awful for you. This situation is terrible and you must feel sick with worry. The thing is, though, that if you give him money it will not get him to Switzerland but would fuel more addiction and negative behaviour. If he is serious about suicide, the brutal truth is that nothing will stop him and you cannot take responsibility for that. Loving someone and caring for them doesn’t mean that you have to blame yourself for their poor choices or further enable them.
You have to be tough and tell him that he needs to get help and also that a clinic in Switzerland is not going to let a pot-smoking dropout end their life. It is for medical situations only. Be firm and tell him that he is an adult and has to act like one - he is entitled to nothing in this life and has to make his own success. He has had more support, financially and emotionally, than any one person could possibly hope for. It’s time for him to grow up.
I am interested to know what your daughter thinks. How does she deal with all of this? Be strong OP and realise that he is a grown man and nobody is to blame for what he feels and is choosing to do but himself.

See? Even your ex thinks your son is unreasonable (he must have been a fucking joy to be around at Christmas) and made a point of contacting you to tell you that.

Use that to strengthen your resolve. You are doing the right thing.

The bollocks about wanting to be a drug dealer when he grows up gives you the perfect reason to never give him another penny or arrange accommodation for him ever again. To provide either would be funding criminal activity.

It's bullshit anyway, as it's impossible to grow enough in a domestic situation to turn a profit outside having an entire house full of grow lights, hydroponics, bypassing the electricity meter, insulating the house so that it doesn't light up like a beacon when the police helicopter or drone trundles overhead, and then you'd need a huge amount of seeds, equipment, the ability to look after plants (which I doubt he has, or he'd be a gardener) and then the facilities to harvest and process the crops, then distribute. It would stink to high heaven. Oh, and he'd need security. So much security. No little stoner twat is ever going to be able to manage that - he's their customer, not their competitor.

Silverista, when he was around 14 he told me he was depressed because of issues around his lack of a decent role model & how he felt about his dad's lack of support.
I made the conscious decision not to have a relationship with a man as I didn't want negative influences or a succession of boyfriends in their growing up years hence I stayed single for 14 years.
I took DS for counselling & he asked me to be present for the sessions, around 6 in all until he said that was all he needed. It helped him to an extent. I sat and listened and intervened if asked but gave him lots of support in dealing with his anger towards his dad.
Since then he has refused any further intervention from GP, private counselling, GA, Addiction support though I've tried offering it all, without pushing it down his throat.
Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow- yes I totally agree with you. Cannabis can undeniably ruin some people's lives if they are particularly susceptible.
VeniceQueen2004- I'm so sorry for you & what you all went through.

So I have taken on board what has been said & haven't contacted him for a week but it is so hard. I'm worrying that he might be hungry & have no food, I know I'm being ridiculous & yes I may be guilty of being naive but my feelings of sadness, guilt & inadequacy as a mother are all encompassing still.
My daughter is super, very supportive, she visited last night and was a real boost, she has lost patience with him as he treats her equally distainfully.

MitZik, you speak wisely and truthfully, thank you.

I feel sorry for your daughter. I get the feeling she's probably had to be the strong supportive and sensible one all her life whilst you constantly fuss and worry about your son.

Please try to distance yourself OP or this will never ever change and you may find yourself penniless in your old age as it's probably fair to say he won't be the one looking after you.

You need to harden your heart to a certain extent to help him in the long run.

You can only do so much. You are not an inadequate mother. This is a wicked scary world, with many things that can go wrong. He chose a bad path, without being enabled he might well get off it. You are a good, kind caring mother. Please don't be so hard on yourself.

He might find the will to swim and thrive if no one else is picking up the pieces. I truly hope so.

as a mother, we are programmed to love and worry about our dc. You are not inadequate, you have been a real support to him, and it’s his choice whether he wants to support that support or not.

If he comes home running because he is hungry, don’t give him money for food. Maybe give him sandwiches etc, but not money. The time for bailing him out is over.

Stay strong. Your mn’s army is standing firm behind you.

Really sorry to hear what a horrid time you are going through.

My brother is like this. Smoked loads of weed, in trouble with police, gambling addiction - all in his late twenties. He stole from us repeatedly and eventually we had to ask him to move out. He didn’t speak to us for years. He was very lucky that a very responsible and bright young woman fell for him. They had a family young and we feel she literally saved his life.

He has mostly given up weed but he is still a. Selfish manipulative person who believes the worlds and the family owe him money and a living. He is nearly 40 and just had another kid even though he hasn’t had a job to support his first two for over seven years.

I recently cut ties because I was fed up with being told how shut the family was towards him! After all the handouts and therapy and everything we tried to do to help him- I suddenly realised - hang on- what kind of support do you offer us? And once I saw that I couldn’t unsee the inequality. I feel sad not to know my nephews but this is much better than giving and giving and being resented.