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Original poster

Please help, son is considering euthanasia

359 replies

DesertOrchid558 · 23/12/2019 01:31

Am i being unreasonable to be angry with my son blaming me for his life's woes?
It may appear to everyone that I'm coping but I'm dying inside.
Without wanting to sound too dramatic, I am coping with a pressurized job, elderly parents & demanding adult children who drain me financially. My son despite all the love, opportunities & support he has been given throughout his life hates all his family for not providing him with car/flat etc. He has gone from job to job & can't settle. He has smoked weed since he was 15 & I did everything in my power to stop him but he tells me he has to smoke it to escape his unhappiness. For years he has gone to a mate's house where the mother allowed them to smoke weed and they all sit around talking about their dreadful lives & wholly inadequate parents & what a raw deal they had growing up, which is, quite frankly, bullshit. ... I've just set him up in an apartment for the third time in 2 years only for him to tell me he has gambled his rent money away (I paid the deposit & am his guarantor, but my partner and I struggle ourselves) because as he says....
*
"What I’m saying to you is do you see how I have no hope to even live a standard life let alone a happier one, so I’m potless now as I’ve tried to free myself from the pressures of my debts, other things and pressures of what I need still for the apartment, I’ve gambled and lost but I had no choice it is impossible for me to maintain just a standard living on my salary and that isn’t enough to save me from depression. "
Then tonight this....

"Would you be willing to pay for my flight to Switzerland and euthanasia? Look on the bright side I wouldn’t ask for anything else. I am being serious though, there is nothing here for me in life to make me happy whether it be people or my own purpose, whether you help me or not I will stride to do it either way, I’ve looked at all avenues and it seems the most appealing one. "
*
Now I am beside myself again. I dare not wake my partner as we already spent 2 hours last night talking about my son until the small hours & he will eventually get sick of it. I've tried everything in my power to help my beloved son for ten years since he first said he was depressed, he's 24 now. He feels hard done by & resents working for a living & feels his wealthy grandparents should have set him up with car, flat etc...he wont speak to them & has told them he won't go to their funerals because they have not been 'supportive ' enough which is totally unjust, I felt so ashamed when he told them that and they are bewildered & hurt.
I was a single mum and both my daughter & I have very strong work ethic & just get on with life and the struggles it brings.
I have an amazingly supportive partner who says I spoilt my son & I need to stop being his safety net but I'm terrified he's going to take his life, to be honest I've been waiting for a police car to pull up outside for the last 5 years with bad news. Maybe I'm catastrophising but I cant move on from these dreadful thoughts because he's talked of suicide for years, but never attempted it.
I feel so guilty as a mother to have not been able to solve his depression.
He has a large group of supportive friends and enjoys socialising with them, but then comes to me full of blame and recriminations when the partying is over.
When I do see him he's incredibly & unspeakably nasty to me, he hasn't said one nice thing to me or helped me through my own difficult times.my feelings for him are getting cold because of how he treats me, it's so incredibly sad.
I'm sorry for this long ramble. I'm at work at 8am & it will be another long, wretchedly tired day from no sleep where I pretend all is ok but the gnawing worry is ever present. Do I ignore his messages or keep trying but failing to help? He refuses point blank to go GP, counselling or Gamblers Anonymous, which I find exasperating. Oh gosh merry Christmas :(

OP posts:
Oblomov19 · 23/12/2019 03:42

I understand totally because my Ds1, although a lot younger, and not at your sons level, YET has all the traits you mention.

I'm afraid I have no advice. I'm not even sure there really is much you can do.

Even if the depression was resolved, there's a nasty, inherent selfishness that would never go away.

AgeOld · 23/12/2019 03:45

Everything above.
Manipulative little parasite.
Partying with his pals while gambling money you gave him away then claiming suicidal and needs flights to Switzerland.
He's not suicidal. Sounds like a drug come down and pity party.

100% Agree with the need for boundaries and fully expect tantrum and threats when you do.
You've tried to help him but it's not worked. Get yourself some therapy and move on from this abusive man. He's not a baby.

Italiangreyhound · 23/12/2019 03:47

@DesertOrchid558 I am so very sorry, this is so hard. My dd has twice taken pills and given us all scare, she is a teenager and it is heartbreaking.

You have done your very best for your son and he seems to be missing the will to work and also the will to live life fully. I am not sure you can give this to him.

IMHO you need to see a counsellor for you. He can go to the doctor and access counselling and if he does not, that really is his choice.

You have a hard working daughter and a partner who loves you, you have done your best for your son. Decide yourself what your next move is. But whatever you do, do not feel guilty. He has drained you like a leech, he sounds like he has mental health issues which have been exacerbated by pot smoking. This is not your fault.

Please, lovely lady, you deserve to be happy. He needs to stand on his own feet and even if he needs help, there are other sources of help out there. But you need to come to this conclusion yourself. Thanks

katy1213 · 23/12/2019 03:47

This sounds like manipulative play-acting and the more you pander to it, the more you'll get. Cut him loose and let him make of his life - or not - what he will.
And if he mentions Dignitas again, say you also see it as an appealing option but that he'll have to fund it himself.
He's a nasty little shite. Let your partner deal with him if you can't.
You have done your best. You have a happy marriage and your life would be better for leaving your son to his own devices.

Anessia · 23/12/2019 03:55

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eaglejulesk · 23/12/2019 03:58

It's emotional blackmail. You seem to have done as much as you possibly can to help him, while he has done nothing to help himself. He sounds like an entitled brat to be honest. As for his treatment of his grandparents, disgraceful. I think you could benefit from some counselling, but otherwise I think you need to distance yourself from your son. Good luck. Flowers

SD1978 · 23/12/2019 04:03

Firstly- they wouldn't for this reason- although Switzerland does euthanise for depression- this wouldn't pass the screening process. You don't just get on a flight, turn up and away you go. He's trying to bea manipulative git. You've funded him repeatedly through a sense of guilt. If he loses this flat- do you have to continue paying? Continually bailing him out doesn't help, he shows no gratitude. I wouldn't be offering any further financial support at all and letting actually have to adult.

HoppingPavlova · 23/12/2019 04:04

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Creepster · 23/12/2019 04:06

At the risk of telling you what you already know, early continuous pot smoking causes arrested emotional development.
Their teen age angst never goes away because they never mature past the point where they started smoking. Until they stop.
It is a long hard slog for those in the depression cycle the pot exacerbates. Your son needs professional help.

Harriedharriet · 23/12/2019 04:07

Anessia - way out of line.

OP - seems unanimous. Dial back the help. Let him figure it out by himself. You will be waiting soon the other side for him.

Good luck, it must be heartbreaking.

malificent7 · 23/12/2019 04:07

This is the main reason why weed should not be legalised...it is a nasty, dangerous drug. Tough love needed here op.

Jokie · 23/12/2019 04:07

He's playing you OP and I agree with your partner and other posters. This has to stop. There will always be something: you've set him up in flats and he still can't pay the rent. You've bankrolled his addiction but he still won't work.

He'll never change. I think you need counselling to be able to maintain a healthy relationship with him

eaglejulesk · 23/12/2019 04:08

@Anessia- are you for real??? What a nasty uncalled for comment - and for your information there are some brilliant step-fathers, who provide much better role models than the biological father. If you can't say something pleasant and helpful I suggest you jog on.

malificent7 · 23/12/2019 04:09

And Anessia ...i agree...fuckwit of the decade for you.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 04:14

This has gone on long enough. There are people in constant psychic pain due to depression and/or a personality disorder. Love and support from parents/relatives don’t cure this or help them manage the emotional agony they are in. It is very often that this emerges as a teen and weed/alcohol/drugs are how these people attempt to self medicate to numb their pain. They don’t need to have suffered a second of actual trauma to develop this way. It’s a disease of the mind.
Your son needs professional psychiatric help. I agree with Rachel, you need to call 111 and tell them he’s having suicidal thoughts, and is planning to go to Switzerland to kill himself and see if a crisis team can come out and assess him.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 23/12/2019 04:19

I have what weed does to people. I wish there was proper education in schools about to. I don’t think people understand that it still ruins lives.

I agree you should let services know he is suicidal. I also agree you need a break and some counselling yourself.

Coyoacan · 23/12/2019 04:21

As one of his problems is tha the has addictions, you might find attending Al-Anon useful, OP.

I really think you need some therapeutic support, OP. But it sounds like your son knows that your weakness is your fear that he will kill himself and is playing it for all it is worth. I presume, like most parents, you have feelings of guilt for the times that you were not the perfect mother and he is also playing that for all it is worth.

He is an adult now and has to face his life as an adult. Your job as his mother is over now but, I know, the love and worry doesn't stop.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 04:26

manipulative, nasty git
Manipulative little parasite.
nasty little shite.
entitled brat
manipulative git

The stigma against the mentally ill is still alive and kicking on mumsnet.

Nanamilly · 23/12/2019 04:27

OP, your son's a bully and he has you well and truly cowed. In fact its worse than that and rather than adopt a kid gloves treatment to his latest tactic I hope you can find the courage or the anger to rise up and say to him - just fuck off and get on with it then.

Take the control back even though you are absolutely terrified.

Nanamilly · 23/12/2019 04:30

The stigma against the mentally ill is still alive and kicking on mumsnet

Not everything has to be down to a mental health problem. Some people are just down right nasty.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 04:32

say to him - just fuck off and get on with it [suicide] then.

Worst advice for many reasons including that it is actually illegal to encourage a vulnerable person to kill themself.

Creepster · 23/12/2019 04:34

The similarities between early alcoholism and early pot addiction are striking.
I suspect the traumatized and the mentally ill children may be particularly susceptible.

PlanDeRaccordement · 23/12/2019 04:34

Not everything has to be down to a mental health problem. Some people are just down right nasty.

Such as people who write nasty names for a person who is mentally ill enough that they want to be euthanisised?

MakeItRain · 23/12/2019 04:42

You need to disentangle yourself from him financially as a matter of urgency. How long are you guarantor for his flat? He has gambled away his rent money. How many more months has he got living there? He's likely to repeat this isn't he which will put you under enormous strain if you're already struggling financially. I think that has to be your immediate priority, to focus on supporting him (emotionally) to pay his rent.

Once you're out of that situation you need to step back, devastating though that will be. You cannot help him, he needs to help himself. You say he's horrible to you all the time. I would go very low or no contact with him because it sounds like he is completely damaging your self esteem. I can imagine how upsetting and difficult this will be for you, but the choice is that, or continuing with things as they are currently because it doesn't sound like he's going to change. Flowers

steff13 · 23/12/2019 04:43

Such as people who write nasty names for a person who is mentally ill enough that they want to be euthanisised?

Do you think he really wants to be euthanized? I'd agree with PP that's it's more likely an attempt at manipulation of the OP. If he was serious about committing suicide, he could do that without flying to Switzerland, and without telling the OP, knowing full well she'll try to stop him.