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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To support banning this person

294 replies

DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 16:57

Close family member is hosting Christmas. Everyone is looking forward to it. One of the other (much loved also family member) invitees is a recovering alcoholic and unfortunately they have history for relapsing at Christmas. We have just found out that this has happened.
Host has said that alcoholic family member can't now come at Christmas. We've had this scenario before with alcoholic family member coming and it has been awful. Physically and emotionally. Problem is there are DC involved and banning her means the kids get banned too. It is not possible to host kids without their parent.

AIBU to support hosts decision even though it is tough on the kids?

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 21/12/2019 16:59

I feel really sad for the kids, what will their Christmas be like if they're not with you?

Smelborp · 21/12/2019 16:59

I would support it but I’d feel terrible for the children. What is going to happen to them over Christmas? If it’s that bad, should SS be involved?

Apolloanddaphne · 21/12/2019 17:00

How old are the kids? Is she able to care for them adequately now she is drinking again? I would worry they will have a terrible Christmas.

Wildorchidz · 21/12/2019 17:01

That’s very difficult
Will the banned person be able to have a semblance of Christmas Day for the children ?
Or would it be possible for someone to police her for the day? My instinct would be to do all I could for the children but I know that is sometimes just not feasible

ShamblyChristmas · 21/12/2019 17:01

I would base my decision on doing what is best for the children.

spingly · 21/12/2019 17:01

For the sake of the children (assuming they'd have to be with her) I'd invite them all.

Sorry for this, it's so true that alcohol splits families.

Thanks
SantaBeckett · 21/12/2019 17:01

Do the Banned persons DCs have to stay away too ? can someone pick them up / drop them off ?

ISmellBabies · 21/12/2019 17:02

It's awful, but if it's a choice between ruining everyone's xmas including the children, or just ruining the children's xmas, then I can see why the host/you need to make that decision. How fucking awful for the children though, really sad.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 21/12/2019 17:02

I was a child of an alcoholic- In all honesty I’m torn, yes I dreaded every social event but my life would have been worse isolated.

DDIJ · 21/12/2019 17:03

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Laiste · 21/12/2019 17:04

If they fall off the wagon alone with the kids how bad will it be for them?

How old are the kids?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/12/2019 17:04

How old are the children?

iswhois · 21/12/2019 17:05

It's really tricky being related to an alcoholic

Decembers are always the worst, I'm sorry.

You need to put kids first I think although if there is drinking occurring and this results in an all out family argument this could be equally as distressing for the children.

If she is banned is she liable to sit at home drinking all day?

Alsohuman · 21/12/2019 17:05

Can’t you all have a teetotal Christmas? Because, if not, she’s probably not the only alcoholic.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 21/12/2019 17:06

Christmas can be a difficult time even for recovering alcoholics. If I (God forbid) had a relapse and had smaller children, I would desperately want them to have a decent Christmas without me. Is that not a possibility at all, if everyone is in agreement?

SunnyNights · 21/12/2019 17:07

Surely the simplest option is to have an alcohol free Christmas Day. We have done that a few times for my alcoholic mother in law, and yes it's a pain but more important that she's with us than having a drink.

Original poster
DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 17:08

DC have a dad (separated) and will spend some of Christmas with him. I don't know the exact timings. It is more that we have a large, happy extended family and they love hanging out with all our DC.
As said in the OP it is not possible to host the kids without their parent. They are 8 & 10.

Alcoholism is such a complete fucker. We have all done everything we can for this family member (supported them through rehab, picked up the pieces etc) and yet they still can't stay dry. We have all run out of sympathy yet love the kids and feel terrible about this.

OP posts:
CastleCrasher · 21/12/2019 17:09

Could hosting a dry Christmas Day help? I'm sure they'd still find a way to drink but maybe less (and not enough to cause a scene) and the children might have a decent day?

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2019 17:09

I'd also do what's best for the kids. Does this person relapse every Xmas? I'd be concerned that by banning there is a guaranteed relapse, not a possible one, and the kids will be left to suffer. I think if that was the case, I'd probably chose to suffer myself and protect the kids, but I'd speak to the person about it in advance and share my concerns.

Original poster
DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 17:10

Sorry to clarify- is not about us having to drink. We don't have to. It is about the behaviour of this person when they are drinking.

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 21/12/2019 17:12

But surely if you have a dry Christmas Day there will be nothing for them to drink and thus misbehave?

Lobsterquadrille2 · 21/12/2019 17:14

Alcoholics are cunning and will go to any lengths to hide, steal and drink. Having a drink free Christmas would be very difficult.

CastleCrasher · 21/12/2019 17:14

Sorry, just realised my post want very well written. When I say dry I was assuming part of the problem is that they're probably plenty of alcohol around, so they are getting very very drunk, and ruining the day - if there's no alcohol in the hosts house when there usually is, the drinker will no doubt arrive having had drink, but as they are expecting alcohol to be there, may not being and and so can't get horrendously drunk on the day?

OliviaBenson · 21/12/2019 17:15

I've experience as the child. Can you pick them up and leave the parent to themselves?

Can you contact the other parent and get them
involved? Don't leave the kids with the alcoholic parent, it's awful. I've had lasting issues from it.

Alsohuman · 21/12/2019 17:16

Having a drink free Christmas would be very difficult

My parents managed it for over 60 years. You just don’t buy any. It couldn’t be easier.

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