To support banning this person

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

Close family member is hosting Christmas. Everyone is looking forward to it. One of the other (much loved also family member) invitees is a recovering alcoholic and unfortunately they have history for relapsing at Christmas. We have just found out that this has happened.
Host has said that alcoholic family member can't now come at Christmas. We've had this scenario before with alcoholic family member coming and it has been awful. Physically and emotionally. Problem is there are DC involved and banning her means the kids get banned too. It is not possible to host kids without their parent.

AIBU to support hosts decision even though it is tough on the kids?

I think you are doing the right thing, for good, caring reasons.
I hope the DCs dad takes you up on your to bring them to enjoy Xmas with their family.

Great update OP.

An alcoholic will obtain and consume alcohol in any way possible, including concealing it on or within their person, going to the toilet, turning in the tap and gulping it. Nothing will present them.

Be thankful if you really don't understand.

Likewise you cannot kidnap children and SS have no power over seemingly functioning adult parents.

The OP came for opinions in a horrible situation.

On and prevent. Lack of glasses.

Honestly, STOP with this bullshit that making everyone else go without alcohol at Christmas is a solution. It simply isn't.
And do fuck off with any waa, waa, waa, everyone should be able to enjoy themselves at Christmas without alcohol - that isn't the point. The point is that the alcoholic will have a supply of alcohol anyway. The only way having an alcohol-free Christmas (when you would normally have some alcohol for the adults present) would 'help' would be if one guest was a recovering alcoholic and a very close family member who had asked you to do so.

Yes This will definitely help, excuse a vulnerable adult who uses alcohol as a crutch and also vulnerable children! What could go wrong!

For the record we have a relative like this and they come to Christmas and through continued support they control Christmas much better now.
But no! making someone feel like more crap than they normally do will really stop them drinking!

Real story is we know by doing this we are feeding their lack of self esteem and therefore increasing the risk of them turning to alcohol but we can't be arsed supporting them as it makes us feel awkward!

I will admit a couple or 12 Christmas, wedding, family gatherings, birthdays where affected but we loved them enough to keep going and it has pairs off, 10 years sober, my BIL is now going through this and his family are equally supportive. Something I couldn't appreciate with my family member at the time as too close but see with BIL is that when they are drinking everyone might talk and tut, but they are not really a problem as a drinker in the same way when trying to give it up: cut them and their children some slack and have a back up plan which you discuss with them before hand.

Just do a no booze xmas. If she's that desperate she will have to leave kids with host and go to the pub.

Offer to collect and host the kids without the parent. If this is not acceptable, then the parent needs to own responsibility for having spoiled things for their children.

Anyway, ultimately it's down to the host - their house, their decision. And the host perhaps has a husband/wife who has had it up to here with their alcoholic whatever-in-law at Christmas and no doubt other occasions as well.

Have a drink free dinner make it clear to all that it is a drink free day, have fun enjoy family time that's what it's about let everyone that will be there know that there will be no alcohol involved I know some people may be pissed off at this but at the end of the day it's about having fun together with all the family and you shouldn't need alcohol to do that, there is plenty of other days in the year to have a drink

OMG - ‘Booze-free Christmas’ - how many people aren’t RTFT??!!????!!!!!!!!! Argh! FFS.

Love and hugs OP to all involved x

So you’re now going to let a just relapsed alcoholic spend Xmas day on their own with no family and no children?

That should end just peachy for you all

Any chance of residential rehab for Xmas? Zero chance of getting anything on the NHS but if you can throw some money at it you might be able to salve your conscience enough to enjoy Xmas.

Anyone looked into why she relapses at Christmas? Memories from this time of year/trauma of some kind obviously play a part, do you all really thinking banning her will help her in anyway, or are you only concerned for yourselves?

Do you reach out to her before she relapses to try to help her through her hard times, or just get down on her when it happens? You said this is the prime time for her relapse...

Also, how will banning her help the children?

The problem is the existence of vulnerable dc. They are not our responsibility. They have a mother and father Actually you are WRONG! They ARE your responsibility. Both their parents are addicts, and one relapses, and the other could at any time.

You may not like it, but if they are neglected, and their parents are mostly inadequate, you have a responsibility to report your concerns to the appropriate authorities. Not just offer your home.

They will have an ok time with their dad but it is just him. Not lots of cousins etc. So they won't be stuck alone in a cold house eating cat food but they won't be with their extended family.

Look, I don't usually say this, but your post is either complete bullshit, and you are embellishing for drama, or your family are part of the reason this person drinks. Harsh, I know. You go on about how "happy" you are all, like you don't want that ruined, and how miserable these kids will be eating cat food.

No one is condoning neglect. Yeah, you are.

I would be REALLY interested to know why your family member relapses at this time of year, although I think I know.

Just because SS see no reason to remove them, doesn't mean you should stop reporting things as they happen. Eating cat food is NOTHING but neglect and you are allowing it. Lapsing is in itself neglectful, do SS know she has recently relapsed again?

I had an alcoholic father and to do honest my best times were when I was with other family. We wouldn’t have even had Christmas at all if left to our own devices. I know it’s a pita to host her as let’s me honest she’s probably going to be tricky. Having none in the house will help but chances are she may hide some on her so unless you are willing to do a strip search I think you’ll have to take that chance.
Please don’t leave the children on their own with her on Christmas Day, think how awful it is for them already poor things.
I would also consider contacting the social for help if she is on her own with them when she has been drinking those kids need all the help they can get.
I am teetotal due to the stuff I saw as a kid and still remember that feeling of dread when he had been drinking 😞

Has anyone spoken directly to the alcoholic mum about any of this? I’ve read that there’s been contact with the father but not the mother. Although she has a problem, she hasn’t ceased to exist.

DECLARING A NO BOOZE CHRISTMAS JUST MEANS THE RELAPSING ALCOHOLIC WILL BRING A SECRET STASH WITH HER AND DRINK IT IN THE TOILET. CANCEL THE NO BOOZE CHEQUE.

Seriously, people need to stop being so dim. It's actually quite upsetting to read this as though getting an alcoholic to not drink at a particular occasion is as simple as other people not drinking. If you don't understand that this is not a solution, be grateful for your ignorance. Don't flaunt it.

OP, I have no experience of alcoholism and I think you are trying to do your best.

I hope you have been able to use these comments on this thread to clarify your thinking.

Nobody knows your actual position, even if they have had alcoholics in the family, so please don't take the more aggressive posts personally, they are trying to help.

Whatever happens, I hope you all, including the DC and their parents have the best possible Christmas under the circumstances.

I sadly avoid my sister esp now I have a son because Christmas (and every other day) is all about the alcohol.... she is a functioning alcoholic and can work etc but once she starts she doesn't stop and gets quite nasty when drunk, so for the sake of my son he doesn't see her, it's quite isolating as rest of family dead and a single mum ( adopted as single mum so son doesn't even have another side of the family) thankfully for whatever reason she has never had kids to throw into the pitiful mix. so can totally empathise.
I would host a dry Christmas for the sake of the kids and give her a choice stay sober at your place or arrange for the kids to come over separately, maybe their dad can drop off or pick up at yours depending on which half he gets them for and arrange for anyone coming that lives near enough to bring them over. Good luck x

What a very unsupportive family. You realise that alcoholism is an illness like any other? I think you should all be supporting her, keeping alcohol away from the day and making things extra nice for her kids who have without doubt suffered over the years,

What will keeping alcohol away from the day achieve?

I would do as others have said and ask the host to have a dry Christmas. Then tell the recovering alcoholic that you are doing this to support her recovery and help her give her children a lovely Christmas where they don't have to worry about her falling off the wagon. This is by far the kindest and most helpful thing to do if you truly care about this person. Excluding them will surely cause the very Christmas relapse you are trying to avoid.

Please think about this person who is fighting hard to do better, and her children, and ask everyone in your family to help them stay dry through Christmas by keeping it alcohol free. She needs all of you to model having a great time without alcohol.

Hot mulled grape juice and hot mulled apple juice are both delicious. Schloer stands in very well for champagne.

Jesus, the ignorance...

Bloody hell- rarely has the inability of people to read the thread before chipping in with ignorant or unhelpful posts, got on my tits so much.

I'm a child of a single parent alcoholic who blighted parts of my childhood- but was still adored by my siblings and I.

Kids are going to be safe with their dad- and hopefully he will give them a great Christmas. I think poster is being a little harsh - maybe they'll miss their cousins but presumably they will love being with him.

They can't kidnap kids anymore than they can shame or cajole the addict to not drink. The poster would happily not drink but she knows this wouldn't make any difference.

I'd stop feeding the post now OP

The best part is that localocal seems to have actually read the thread. It's not a read first post of OP only, feel compelled to make a contribution despite knowing fuck all, tell her it'll all be fine if they don't drink and are nice. Stupid as those are. This is someone who has actually read some of the contributions and still felt moved to chime in. The mind boggles.

It is incredibly obvious here who doesn't have actual lived experience of dealing with this kind of alcohol addiction.

@DownToTheSeaAgain - I am so sorry you're getting such a hard time from some posters here. As the only person who is not an alcoholic in a family of alcoholics - with experiences that included premature death, rehab, and child custody matters - I can understand your predicament, and I think you've done the best you can under very difficult circumstances.