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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To support banning this person

294 replies

DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 16:57

Close family member is hosting Christmas. Everyone is looking forward to it. One of the other (much loved also family member) invitees is a recovering alcoholic and unfortunately they have history for relapsing at Christmas. We have just found out that this has happened.
Host has said that alcoholic family member can't now come at Christmas. We've had this scenario before with alcoholic family member coming and it has been awful. Physically and emotionally. Problem is there are DC involved and banning her means the kids get banned too. It is not possible to host kids without their parent.

AIBU to support hosts decision even though it is tough on the kids?

OP posts:
Littlemeadow123 · 21/12/2019 18:06

You say this person relapses at christmas? Is she currently clean? It seems a bit mean to ban her saying "Oh well you've relapsed at christmas before so it is probably best that you don't come this year".

BlueBirdGreenFence · 21/12/2019 18:08

I also think it's striking how many posters that have been the child in that scenario, myself included, says they would have rathered stay at home. I appreciate that some others say they would have preferred to be included as well though.

Overall, the lesson to learn from this thread OP is that no matter what the scenario when dealing with an alcoholic in the family, whatever decision you make you'll feel like it was the wrong one. I eventually learned to make a decision based on what was best for the others around them and not dwell on the "What if I did this instead?".

pumpandthump · 21/12/2019 18:09

I don't blame you/ the host. It's a shame but you could be ruining lots of peoples christmas.

Those saying have a dry Christmas - what if the alcoholic brings her own alcohol? What if they hide it? Plus what if, like us, the host has an extensive alcohol collection? I very rarely drink but we have lots of alcohol in the house which would be impossible to fully hide.

Original poster
DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 18:11

At no point have I said that the DC are not adequately patented. They have separated parents, both in recovery, one of whom seems unable to stay sober. But both are, in their own way loving and caring parents.

They will be ok with their Dad. They just won't get the big family day with extended family.

Also I am confident that he is aware that his ex has erred. Unfortunately for her he may use this against her. That is another thread.

My OP is more about the trauma of alcoholism in that its effects are wide reaching. I'm very upset about the situation but do need to support the host. Many of the posts on this have helped me see this. Thanks

OP posts:
Jollitwiglet · 21/12/2019 18:12

Will the children not enjoy their time with their father? You make it seem as though they will only have fun if Christmas is with you guys? Have you been in contact with the father, could he come to yours with the children?

Sounds like a very difficult situation. I just think the idea of the children having to spend Christmas day miserable with their mother drunk and behaving badly is utterly heartbreaking. Especially when there is extended family that can help.

It's incredibly sad when children are punished for their parent's behaviour, especially by family that are supposed to love them

ohwheniknow · 21/12/2019 18:13

You don't have a responsibility to act for the welfare of vulnerable children? Of course you do. We all do.

Turning a blind eye to neglect and abuse of children is contemptible.

ohwheniknow · 21/12/2019 18:15

Yes, so adequately parented that even other adults can't bear to be in the company of one of those parents. Shame the children don't have the power to make that choice, eh?

krustykittens · 21/12/2019 18:16

My Dad was a violent, aggressive alcoholic and telling him he couldn't drink would have started WIII, even if everyone else in the room was abstaining. He wouldn't have cared if told in advance, he would have brought his own or turned up steaming, alchies are going to drink no matter what - that is why they are alchies. I would have preferred to stay at home as well as at least then I could have hidden in my room and waited for him to pass out (normally about 8pm), rather than sitting through whatever fight he chose to start with the rest of the family. What would have been REALLY ideal was if people in my family had given enough of a shit to call SS, rather than just excluding all of us due to his bad behaviour and then pretending the problem didn't exisit. I don't care how close you are to this family member, OP, I really hope you are taking steps to get her kids some help. A piss head shouldn't be looking after young children.

VanyaHargreeves · 21/12/2019 18:17

I promise I am not unsympathetic to your case OP...alcoholics are a nightmare to handle in just about every situation.

But the coldness to the children, doesn't sit right.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 21/12/2019 18:17

You sound incredibly understanding and supportive to your relative and to the situation. Christmas is such a difficult time for many in recovery. As a precaution we always recommend increasing meetings, knowing where there'll be a meeting nearby on Christmas Day and having plenty of numbers on hand to call. So sorry to learn that your relative is in the grip of addiction again.

spingly · 21/12/2019 18:18

@krustykittens I'm sorry your childhood sounds shit, my brother was an alcoholic with children, it's fucking awful. It killed him in the end.

Yes to calling SS.

Thanks
Annasgirl · 21/12/2019 18:18

Wow, as the child of an alcoholic I can say with certainty that I know what I am talking about and you are abandoning these children. However, they do not need the crumbs of your support at Christmas (I have been that "poor child"), they do need parents who are capable of looking after them - are an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic capable of doing this? If you are not willing or able to help, could you get social care involved - I think foster care, preferably within the family, would help.

FestiveFavourites · 21/12/2019 18:19

This is a difficult situation. If the children's mother is currently actively drinking, and is likely to continue to drink throughout the next few days, then her children need to be rescued. Probably their dad stepping in would be the best idea.

I agree that trying to host a dry Christmas is impossible, an alcoholic will always find somewhere to buy alcohol if none is readily available in the house, even on Christmas day. My BIL was an alcoholic (he passed away 3 years ago in his 40's from complications due to the disease) and would go out for cigarettes/take the dog for a walk/go to get a breath of fresh air. We weren't able to police him, he was an adult with capacity. We were able, as a family, to protect his 2 sons from the worst of his behaviour though.

If this family member has already been drinking but is deeply remorseful, can she be invited on the understanding that she doesn't drink alcohol on Christmas day?

Original poster
DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 18:19

We love being in the company of the relapsed parent but they are unbearable when they are drinking.

They will have an ok time with their dad but it is just him. Not lots of cousins etc. So they won't be stuck alone in a cold house eating cat food but they won't be with their extended family.

To reiterate: we cannot take parental responsibility for them. They have parents and SS are ok with them. We have in the past offered. No one is condoning neglect.

OP posts:
sandyfoot · 21/12/2019 18:23

It sounds like the OP has made her mind up about not having this branch of the family at Christmas and now looking for validation. I'm not judging, I've never been in that situation. My DB was an addict but no kids so easier to manage in many ways. If it was me, I wouldn't enjoy Christmas as much knowing that children I loved were having a more difficult day because of me. My vote is suck it up and do whatever you can to make the day as bearable for all the children there. Good luck

Emmapeeler1 · 21/12/2019 18:23

I couldn’t do this to the person’s kids, personally.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 21/12/2019 18:23

Also I am confident that he is aware that his ex has erred.

You know for a fact? Or assume he knows? Contact him to make sure.

TheTrollFairy · 21/12/2019 18:23

It’s tough op.
Although not close family, there is an alcoholic in my extended family and every family occasion that they are invited to (weddings, baptisms etc) is just embarrassing for everyone else to just watch. Close family must find it so tough.

If they are spending part the day with their dad, how is it not possible for them to spend the other part with you? Surely they would need driving somewhere so could this somewhere not be at the hosts house and then they stay over someone’s house that night?

krustykittens · 21/12/2019 18:24

@Spingly thank you so much! It actually means a lot, after years of gaslighting, to hear people say, "Yes, you are right, it was shit!" I banned my father from my house at Christmas after he ruined my daughter's first christmas (thank God she doesn't remember), despite a very stern talking to and no drink in the house. We had to call the police. Sad But I have made up for those shit Christmases ever since! I probably drive my kids crazy as I start singing Christmas carols on the first of December! But Christmas is an awful time for the children of alcoholics.

Laiste · 21/12/2019 18:26

Firstly i'd make very sure he is aware she is drinking again. How come they're not with him all the time if she still relapses?

If you aren't going to have her over then can you invite him and the children for the day?

SeasideThisChristmas · 21/12/2019 18:27

If the relative is so unbearable when pissed that the wider family don’t want them around, she shouldn’t be with her kids alone at any time over Christmas or at all. You need to inform SS.

Can’t you see that, OP?

If it’s bad enough that grown adults can’t put up with it for one day, this is not a situation her children should be in AT ALL. If their father doesn’t recognise this, he is also a massive issue.

KingBobra · 21/12/2019 18:30

If the kids are 8 and 10, why can't they stay without their mother? Is the issue they would feel weird being there without her? If you'd be happy having a dry Xmas anyway, someone could pick them up and drop them off? Could they be given the option? I don't get why an 8 year old and a 10 year old can't come to a family Christmas on their own, but can be left with an alcoholic on their own? Surely the former is preferable? What about a Christmas sleepover, if the host if up for that and the mother is unreliable?

Original poster
DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 18:31

Social Services see no reason to remove them.

OP posts:
ISmellBabies · 21/12/2019 18:31

Op, by "use it against her", do you mean the dad might use her alcoholic relapse to get custody of the children? Because, isn't that exactly what he should be doing? And why would you not support this, it seems like a good solution all round? The alcoholic parent can't parent well, so the non-alcoholic one takes over - that's ideal isn't it?

eaglejulesk · 21/12/2019 18:32

While it is sad that the children will miss out on the big family Christmas I think they will be better off with their Dad if that is the only option. YANBU to support the host.

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