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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To support banning this person

294 replies

DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 16:57

Close family member is hosting Christmas. Everyone is looking forward to it. One of the other (much loved also family member) invitees is a recovering alcoholic and unfortunately they have history for relapsing at Christmas. We have just found out that this has happened.
Host has said that alcoholic family member can't now come at Christmas. We've had this scenario before with alcoholic family member coming and it has been awful. Physically and emotionally. Problem is there are DC involved and banning her means the kids get banned too. It is not possible to host kids without their parent.

AIBU to support hosts decision even though it is tough on the kids?

OP posts:
Mintychoc1 · 21/12/2019 18:33

I absolutely agree the alcoholic relative should be excluded, but I think it’s awful that you’re excluding the kids too. As if things aren’t bad enough for them. And yes you need to call SS and tell them she has relapsed.

spingly · 21/12/2019 18:34

Social Services see no reason to remove them.

But do you thinks that's right? Just because someone thinks that no reason to remove them doesn't mean that you'd want a family member living in that situation?

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 21/12/2019 18:34

I can completely understand why the host doesn’t want her there, but also why people are concerned about the children. I took in a relatives children because their mother is an alcoholic and their father is just a horrible individual. They are in their 20s, no longer have anything to do with her and still talk about her behaviour when drunk. I know they were most embarrassed/humiliated when she acted out in front of other people. It was bad enough when she was drunk at home, but worse for them when there were witnesses.

One possibility is inviting her and the minute she acts up, you could take the children upstairs for a game or for a walk to look at the decorations and frankly, either phone her ex, the police or take her home. The children could have a ‘surprise’ sleepover.

However, I’m concerned that you seem more worried about her ex using this against her, rather than the welfare of the children.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/12/2019 18:35

I think it depends on your definition of 'unbearable'. OP has not said that the alcoholic is abusive towards her own DC, or even that she is physically violent. She may be a whiner or a weeper or a puker of a drunk, or she might just sleep all the time (which is no fun for the rest of the family but does not endanger them).
Also, OP's not the host so it isn't actually her decision.

Finally, though, OP, i get the impression that these DC's dad might be an adequate dad but was a shitty partner to the alcoholic. Could the reason she keeps relapsing be that her real problem is PTSD due to abuse, and everyone's wringing their hands about the drinking and not addressing the cause? It just occurred to me as I get the impression (which may of course be completely wrong) the respectability is a big issue with your extended family so you may all be barking up the wrong tree in your attempts to help.

Mintychoc1 · 21/12/2019 18:35

Presumably social services think she is still dry. If they knew she’d relasped it would be a different story.

DurhamDurham · 21/12/2019 18:35

My brother wasn't invited to spend Christmas with us last year as he was an alcoholic, he was too unpredictable but he knew he'd been missed out and I felt dreadful but knew I'd made the right decision for my family. I visited him on Christmas Eve and gave him his presents, we were both emotional and as it turns out he died in July. I miss him terribly but I know that I made the right decision at the time. I'm so pleased he didn't have children who would be affected by his alcoholism.

wellthatwasthat · 21/12/2019 18:39

You need to inform SS. Can't you see that, OP?

Seaside, you need to rtft. SS are already aware.

Junie70 · 21/12/2019 18:40

Those poor kids.

They are living with this, presumably.

You can't manage her for one day. Imagine their lives. Every day.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 21/12/2019 18:41

I agree with banning a drinking alcoholic from the party, indeed from the family. My brother is a recovering alcoholic and he knew that he was not welcome in our home if he had been drinking, period. We also had more than one 'dry' Xmas when he was struggling to stay sober.

But it's harder with children. Is anyone in the family in direct contact with the father? Can they make sure that he's going to have them for Xmas (hopefully for the full 24-48 hour period)?

It makes me feel sad that you think these children are 'not your responsibility'. Remember "there but for the Grace of God go I" (or my children).

Planetmuff · 21/12/2019 18:43

What about acceptance? Trying to accept this family member, warts and all? Having a strategy for dealing with them. Taking turns to deal with them? I bet this family member feels the weight of all your judgement. They will know how disappointed you all are.

My brother is a drug addict. For years we tried to change him, support him, guide him but we have given up. He has been to and failed rehab 3 times. He doesn't WANT to be clean (yet).

We now accept him.

We ignore his slurring. We ignore him when he staggers around. When he disappears. We ignore his phone bleeping all the time because he's probably dealing drugs. We ignore all the bad stuff because we love and accept him. Now, because there is no eye-rolling from us, no silent judgement and distaste, he has no resentment and is more relaxed.

He has been an addict for 30 years but he is my brother and I love him. I want my children to know that they will be loved regardless of how their life turns out.

Just an idea.

handbagsatdawn33 · 21/12/2019 18:45

Several of us (including me) have suggested that the kids & their Dad are invited, but I can't see any response from you?

Would he be totally unwelcome?

BoxedWine · 21/12/2019 18:45

There is no realistic way that the description OP gives covers an alcoholic who merely sleeps all the time. Let's not clutch at straws.

FFSFFSFFS · 21/12/2019 18:46

At no point have I said that the DC are not adequately patented

But you and the rest of the children's family are not able to stand one day with this person? So they are adequate for the children but not adequate for you?

Your relative does not need support. The children do.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 21/12/2019 18:46

Please, at very least contact their father and make sure he knows the situation (that she is no longer going to family on Xmas- he may think that’s still happening so no need for him to collect DC) and that he can take them at least on Xmas, if not before. Personally I’d also be ringing him on Xmas day to make sure he turned up for them.

BoxedWine · 21/12/2019 18:50

Yes I think you have to liaise with their dad asap.

averythinline · 21/12/2019 18:52

why cant the dc be invited with their dad? they will be losing out on their support...
personally i would invite them with their alcohoic parent and make the best of it...and someone/take turns to stand guard duty as a shared adult responsibilit yto support teh children - thats what happend in our family..... its not great but sharing a plan and probably the best for the children so they dont feel have to be responsible

BlueBirdGreenFence · 21/12/2019 18:57

Some proper naivety on here. If you're a run of the mill drunk that feeds and clothes your kids and don't beat them or allow them to be victims of sexual exploitation etc you'll probably be deemed a crappy parent but not abusive enough to have them removed. In the scenario OP describes, SS are most likely limited to keeping an eye, referring to supportive agencies and sticking her on a parenting course.

Cherrysoup · 21/12/2019 18:57

Liaise with dad to have the dc for part of the day, maybe?

TopBitchoftheWitches · 21/12/2019 18:58

If this is real, op you can't punish the young children because of their mums behaviour.
Those kids need you. Help them.

lonelyinacrowd39 · 21/12/2019 18:59

SS see no reason to remove the children because she got dry! if they were told of the relapse I'm sure it would be a different story.

I'm sure she had to fight to keep her kids and nobody wants to tell SS or dad in case that changes things. But unless a family member can have the kids until she is well enough , someone has to make that call. Child safety has to be the top priority.

Laiste · 21/12/2019 19:03

I accept i am naive - i don't understand how a person can be deemed capable enough to be left to parent two children day in day out, but is too obnoxious for the wider family to cope with all together in the house for one day.

LemonAndGin · 21/12/2019 19:05

All the posters saying speak to SS/are SS aware that the parent has relapsed.

SS will do nothing.

My sister is an alcoholic who finally had her 3 children removed from her care by SS after a catalogue of several years of neglect, police visits, domestic violence, eviction from a number of properties - and we as her family were shocked and disgusted by how awful things had to get for the kids before SS would step in.

My mum was literally in tears in front of the social worker, on her knees, begging the social worker to get the kids out of my sisters card and into my parents home instead, and the answer was still 'no'.

OP I feel for you, I really do.

Original poster
DownToTheSeaAgain · 21/12/2019 19:06

Honestly - I (and the host) would willingly have taken more responsibility but as I have said before the children have parents, social services have deemed that their current parenting situation is acceptable.

For the poster that said we'd be embarrassed by the lapsed alcoholic coming you couldn't be further from the truth. We have provided lots of practical, financial and emotional support, often to the detriment of our own families. We love her. We just don't love how she is when drunk and the potential negative effect on those around ( many of whom are children).
I feel that we are between a rock and a hard place.

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 21/12/2019 19:08

They are not our responsibility. They have a mother and father.

This statement makes me really sad, as the child of an alcoholic can I say please be a part of their lives. My aunts and uncles on my dad's side disappeared after the divorce, I assumed both of my parents alcoholism was a secret but learning as an adult that everyone knew and didn't help us was devastating.

I'm not saying have them live with you, just spend time with them when possible and let them talk.

I do agree with you about Christmas though. Those who say just take the children without her are ignoring the fact that the children's parents would probably not let that happen. You can't just go and snatch kids.

Would the kids want to be apart from the parents? I know when I was away from my mum I constantly worried about her and felt guilty.

spingly · 21/12/2019 19:08

But @DownToTheSeaAgain do you think SS are actually right?

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