To support banning this person

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

Close family member is hosting Christmas. Everyone is looking forward to it. One of the other (much loved also family member) invitees is a recovering alcoholic and unfortunately they have history for relapsing at Christmas. We have just found out that this has happened.
Host has said that alcoholic family member can't now come at Christmas. We've had this scenario before with alcoholic family member coming and it has been awful. Physically and emotionally. Problem is there are DC involved and banning her means the kids get banned too. It is not possible to host kids without their parent.

AIBU to support hosts decision even though it is tough on the kids?

I would have her so you can monitor her and ensure the kids have a nice day. If she’s excluded and spends the day at home feeling sad at being cast out she may just drink herself into the abyss and then what will happen to the children?

I used to be the child in this scenario and I'd have much preferred not to go, even if I'd been looking forward to it beforehand. I'd have felt obliged to look after my alcoholic parent and conceal their drinking from the rest of the family (who knew, obviously, but I didn't know that they knew) - and then be embarrassed when parent said or did awful things because of drink. At least being at home with them was more predictable.

I'd have also have refused to leave my parent alone over Christmas, and would have been constantly worrying about them if made to do so. I agree that you should do what's best for the children, but that's not always obvious (and nor is it the same for every child! I'm just offering my experience as a counterexample. You know these particular children and their situation).

Would it be feasible to invite the kids & their Dad?

Could their Dad bring them round for a while ?
I know he is the ex of your sister,
but he's also the parent of your niece and nephew
that way he and they still get a semblance of family Christmas

My stupid question is... why is the alkie in charge of young kids if alkie is actively relapsing? Where is the responsible adult in their lives?

Having DC of your own and keeping things all lovely for them is one thing, but if this means other "family children" are having a Christmas worthy of an NSPCC advert, at the expense of my child's amazing John Lewis advert Christmas, I mean, I couldn't do it...

I understand "Compassion Fatigue" I really do OP but what are they supposed to do?

I expect they will spend the whole of the day with their Dad if their mum is not up to it.

I would try and make that a certainty. Can you contact the father and tell him she has relapsed and he needs to step in and take them?

Can you warn dad what will be happening and ask if he can keep the children.

Is there really no-one who could collect the kids? even the night before and have their presents with the extended family?

*My stupid question is... why is the alkie in charge of young kids if alkie is actively relapsing? Where is the responsible adult in their lives?
*
Wondering the same thing... maybe their dad can bring them round? Horrible situation, totally feel for you OP.

How will Christmas be for all of the children invited if the alcoholic turns up and is drunk/acts up/violent? It may be that not allowing them to come means fewer children have their Christmas day ruined.

As a child of an alcoholic parent. There is nothing you can do to make the situation better or to include her.

If she is drinking she is likely to say and do the most terrible things whether there is alcohol there or not.

The children also don't want their parents being seen in public drunk.
Children can cope much better if the parent is drunk at home away from prying eyes. They are drunk either way but private involves less questions and not being blamed for the outcome by the drunk parent.
Whatever happens if the parent is drunk will be laid at the childrens feet by the drunk parent who is never at fault.

It is therefore easier for the children to be at home with the drunkard.

I think compassion fatigue is the wrong term. It is more the realisation that having done everything we believe we can do in terms of practical, financial and emotional support we understand that there is nothing we can do to change the situation. The problem is the existence of vulnerable dc. They are not our responsibility. They have a mother and father. We have in the past offered them a home but it is not our place to push as they do have parents.

For anyone on the thread heaping abuse you are totally welcome to your point of view but I suspect that you are in the fortunate situation of never having an alcoholic in the family. If it were as simple as not drinking ourselves we would do it like a shot.

@PanGalaticGargleBlaster
Have you ever had to deal with an alcoholic family member?
Yes , my birth father he killed my sister.

I have been the child of alcoholics, and Christmas was horrible enough without being excluded from the general family because I was "not their responsibility". I suggest you contact the children's father and tell him that she has relapsed so that he can remove the children for Christmas. No need to have her as part of your celebration if you don't want to. But don't leave a couple of children alone at Christmas with an alcoholic because they are not your problem.

I agree with the suggestion to contact the dad, make sure he knows the mum's relapsed and hopefully he will step up immediately and be the desperately needed responsible parent.

I'm the child of an alcoholic. From the perspective of the alcoholic's children I'd invite them, from the perspective of your own I wouldn't. Very hard situation. How will their other parent be involved? You said they could go to dad if mum isn't up to it. What's the situation with him?

Also, of fucking course it's not as simple as just having a dry Christmas and then that means the alcoholic won't drink.

They are not our responsibility. They have a mother and father.

Yes but they’re currently failing to look after them. That’s when other people step in. You, being extended family, are best placed to do that.

Are you 100% certain no-one can collect the children? I find it quite unbelievable if thats true. If no-one wants too, just say that.

Will you be contacting the father to tell him the situation and that he needs to take his children now and over Christmas until she is dry again?

You, being extended family, are best placed to do that.

I should add that if you can’t or won’t then you must notify someone who can support these children. You don’t just leave them to deal with it themselves.

They are not our responsibility. They have a mother and father

Well - but it sounds like they don't really. So as the rest of their family you do have a responsibility.

And yes I do have experience of an alcoholic family.

Why is the alkie in charge of kids?

Because the threshold for abuse to actively remove children from a parent is so huge, just being an active alcoholic wouldn't automatically meet it.

Other people in the family have DCs too. I would also be thinking of them and their Christmas and if it would be ruined by the alcoholic, then yes I'd support the ban and try and speak to the father to ensure hehad his children for Christmas.

Could you invite the person but make it clear if they get drunk you will all order a taxi home for them and keep the children with you ?