To support banning this person

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

Close family member is hosting Christmas. Everyone is looking forward to it. One of the other (much loved also family member) invitees is a recovering alcoholic and unfortunately they have history for relapsing at Christmas. We have just found out that this has happened.
Host has said that alcoholic family member can't now come at Christmas. We've had this scenario before with alcoholic family member coming and it has been awful. Physically and emotionally. Problem is there are DC involved and banning her means the kids get banned too. It is not possible to host kids without their parent.

AIBU to support hosts decision even though it is tough on the kids?

Jesus Christ @Localocal what a ridiculously simplistic answer.... if only life with an alcoholic was anything like that!

You're an alcoholic killing yourself, ruining your family, your relationships... have hot mulled wine!

When did people stop reading-shes offered for the father to bring the kids over theyre safe-the alcoholic has had numerous interventions that never work
theyre not eating cat food the op was being sarcastic ffs

OP 👏🏼 for your dignity on this thread, in the face of waves of abuse, projection and ignorance.

Also for taking on board the helpful and perspective-broadening posts.

So to be clear:

*A dry Christmas won’t stop the addict from drinking.

The children are with their dad and cannot be kidnapped on the day.

OP and family have emotionally and physically supported the addict to aide recovery for years and are now out of options.

The OP and host have extended an invitation to the kids and their dad.*

I hope they come OP, but that is up to their dad. I hope you all have the best Christmas possible.

Because I hate an unresolved thread Is like to explain that we do and have support the alcoholic. This has involved helping them through rehab on several occasions, taking them on family holidays to give the DC a good time even though it meant dealing with the abuse, providing financial and emotional support and generally trying to be there through the drunken loathing and self pity. As I've said before we haven't always got it right but we have tried our absolute best. We love this person very much.

Suggesting we drink mulled fruit juice is pretty unhelpful but I guess if you haven't been there you just don't get how difficult having an alcoholic in the family is. We know they are sick. We wish with every fibre of our being that we could cure them. We struggle with the impact that it has on all the family, not just the DC.

I think you have done all you can do OP. The children are with their father, he knows he is welcome with them if he wants to bring them on Christmas Day. Sounds good to me.

"
Yesterday 18:14BanjoStarz

I still don’t understand why you don’t think it’s acceptable for your children/other children in the family to be exposed to the alcoholic for one day but you’re perfectly happy for the alcoholics children to live with her?"
I doubt the op finds it acceptable. So WHAT exactly do you suggest she does?

Op, have you considered having a dry Christmas? Sparkling water all round and anyone who isn't happy can leave.

You know @stealthpolarbear no one has suggested that yet. What a great idea. Bound to solve everything.

Lol. Sorry, go on slap me I deserve it ;)

If you want to help this person and her children, ban her unless she is sober. It may seem tough and unfeeling, but it does no good to give an alcoholic mixed messages. Invite her and she may interpret it as 'there is nothing really wrong with my drinking".

Oh for heaven's sakes!!! My parents are absolutely tea total so Christmas and other occasions at their house were also tea total. Didn't stop my DSis from drinking at her worst AT ALL!

Op, the DC are now getting to an age where you might be able to have more input, and they will be able to go to yours and other family members' houses without the alcoholic family member needing to be there.

My DNiece asked to move in with an aunt when she was old enough and didn't want to put up with it anymore. She and her mother have since rebuilt the relationship.

However my DSis was never an aggressive drunk, so for us the dynamic was very different.

for you. There's no 'right' solution available to you (you're not the one who can control the drinking) you can just try to do the least bad of the options.

I think the advice to just have a dry Xmas is really, really naive. I would imagine you could do this but the alcoholic family member could not and you can't do a cavity search to check she's not bringing any booze. I think those suggesting this nice 'easy' solution just don't understand the problem. The advice to just 'have them anyway for the sake of the kids' is also naive. I don't think you're talking about someone who giggles a bit, falls asleep in the Xmas pud and makes silly jokes through the queens speech. You have experiences of physically dangerous behaviours, is that right? I wonder whether there's a way you can get in touch with the kids dad's to make sure they are being protected? And can he bring the kids to yours on

Op has been in touch with the dad, has invited them all (he said no, so people on here are pretty much suggesting she kidnaps the children) and they're going to keep in close touch.

No one should post until they have read the FULL thread! The children are spending Christmas with their dad; a dry Christmas does NOTHING to stop an alcoholic who is drinking; the OP is keeping in touch with the children & the parents; the OP is supporting the alcoholic throughout the year as they can. As long as the OP and the family make a point of staying in the children’s lives and having them over/taking them out as much as possible then they are being a wonderful positive support the their lives.

I agree with what Hobbesmanc said:

Hobbesmanc

Bloody hell- rarely has the inability of people to read the thread before chipping in with ignorant or unhelpful posts, got on my tits so much.

I'm a child of a single parent alcoholic who blighted parts of my childhood- but was still adored by my siblings and I.

Kids are going to be safe with their dad- and hopefully he will give them a great Christmas. I think poster is being a little harsh - maybe they'll miss their cousins but presumably they will love being with him.

They can't kidnap kids anymore than they can shame or cajole the addict to not drink. The poster would happily not drink but she knows this wouldn't make any difference.

I'd stop feeding the post now OP

So many people basically suggesting kidnapping the kids. Wise up a bit lol. Your update seems fine and sensible op, enjoy your Christmas.

differentnameforthis Wow. You think they are eating cat food? Read the comment you quoted and try again.

You really are in a predicament with no good solution. Ultimately, You have to protect your own kids I think.

In the longer term, I would reach out to the father and let him know you are willing to do whatever it takes to get him primary or even full custody. If possible, offer to babysit from time to time so he gets a bit of a break now and then.

I haven't RTFT, as I got a bit fed up of the mud slinging but I have read the bit where the OP says they will stay with their dad on Christmas if the mum isn't up to it, we are all saying do what is best for the DC and there is no argument there, but surely they are better off at their dads away from their drunk mother than being in the presence of their drunk mother wherever that is.
If you are sure they will be with their dad all Christmas I would support the ban, can you contact their dad OP and find out of that is the case?

If you had RTFT, you would know that the kids are spending Christmas with their Dad and not their Mum and that the OP has invited father and children to join them if they want to.

@DownToTheSeaAgain

They will have an ok time with their dad but it is just him. Not lots of cousins etc. So they won't be stuck alone in a cold house eating cat food but they won't be with their extended family.

So if they are not, then op added that just to stir up drama, I take it? There was no need to write it if it wasn't accurate, and again, goes to show that op is embellishing.