To support banning this person

[DownToTheSeaAgain]

Close family member is hosting Christmas. Everyone is looking forward to it. One of the other (much loved also family member) invitees is a recovering alcoholic and unfortunately they have history for relapsing at Christmas. We have just found out that this has happened.
Host has said that alcoholic family member can't now come at Christmas. We've had this scenario before with alcoholic family member coming and it has been awful. Physically and emotionally. Problem is there are DC involved and banning her means the kids get banned too. It is not possible to host kids without their parent.

AIBU to support hosts decision even though it is tough on the kids?

I meant that alcoholics are capable of concealing alcohol on their person in ways that normal people wouldn't think of.

Dry xmas is what i'd do.

To reiterate: we would be dry if that were likely to make any difference. None of us has to drink.

However this person will hide alcohol and drink it behind the scenes. We can't frisk them at the door and even if we did it can be very dangerous to make them go cold turkey.

Can she manage the kids alone? Sounds like may be not. She and the kids may be in need of more support than you all are able to give. Have you ever spoken to an adult who had a parent who was alcohol dependent? It must be very lonely and frightening with no-one else around to help.

I feel bad for the kids but if they will be with their dad some of the day, it’s not as big a deal? That’s the case if the dad is decent etc. One thing that I’m concerned about is the fact they were invited and now so close to the day they’ve been banned, would they be ready to have a Christmas at home?

Why can’t you have the children without their mum?

As the godparent of a child of an alcoholic mum who got shut out of both their lives after I got a window into how bad things were and she refused help. Please, though you don't want this person to spoil YOUR Christmas, please don't leave an 8 and 10 year old to manage her alone. Show them adults will support and help them.

In your position OP I’d suck it up (sorry for the pun) and invite the alcoholic.

I feel really sorry for those poor children.
You deal with it at Christmas but they have to deal with their mother all the time.
You’ll earn karma points if you make their Christmas a little bit more easier/ nicer

If someone speaks very firmly to the alcoholic and tells them that they are still welcome on Wednesday but that the condition is that they start withdrawing today, would that work? They could obtain Diazepam from their GP on Monday/Tuesday which should prevent seizures. I completely appreciate how dangerous cold turkey can be, but three days would give a good start IF they were serious about it.

You are putting your own need to have a fun Christmas above the needs of a ten year old and an eight year old with an alcoholic mother.

Of course the children should come first. If they don't have anywhere else to go on Christmas you should of course have them.

If she's going to go off the rails on Christmas day she'll do it at her own house if not at yours. So you will be basically be leaving a ten year old and an eight year old to deal with that.

What other support is being provided to the vulnerable children?

yeah I would pribably try and do something for the kids, I know you say its not possible but I assume they are a neice/nephew of some family members attending, unless they live miles away could it not be arranged to have them for some of the day, involve the dad in pick ups etc?

If she's already relapsed and christmas is barely here, then you can guarantee she'll be on it on christmas day not matter what. Clearly this time of year is a trigger for her that needs discussion too.

Are people seriously thinking that not serving alcohol will stop the person drinking

I can see the logic of that, as the op has not said what causes the relapse. So it's logical to think if everyone is drinking this could cause it.

It's clearly not the case.

Op, you're talking like a relapse is guaranteed? Has the person already relapsed? Is it every Xmas? If they have not and it is, I think uou can speak to them about your concerns,

Such a hard decision. As a child of an alcoholic, I would base it on what the repercussions would be if they are aggressive with alcohol. If they come and get pissed and everyone will just be irritated but can suck it up, I'd invite them so their kids don't miss out. If they have a tendency to be offensive and there are other people who can't bite their lip (justifiably) and there would be a row, then in all honesty, the kids would probably rather just be at home than witnessing arguments. I hated Christmas for such a longs time as it just brought back all the memories of rows amongst grandparents, mum and dad. I wish we had all just stayed at home where he could get silently pissed and then sleep in the sitting room as there was no other adults to offend and argue with.

please don't leave an 8 and 10 year old to manage her alone. Show them adults will support and help them
I kind of agree with this sentiment.
I have experience of an alcoholic family member and if she is there or not there she will impact on your Christmas one way or another. Perhaps better to have them so you can support the children. Its tough I know. There's no easy answers.

”unfortunately they have history for relapsing at Christmas. We have just found out that this has happened”

I’m sorry OP. It’s a horrible situation.

So have a dry Christmas Day, to both support your family member and ensure the kids have a good time

please don't leave an 8 and 10 year old to manage her alone. Show them adults will support and help them

Yes this is the concerning outcome. If a relapse is guaranteed as the op indicating then basically what she is saying is she will leave the kids to deal with it, because they don't want to or can't.

It's the natural repercussion of banning the person, which could actually be the cause of a relapse.

It is logistically not possible for the DC to be collected. I expect they will spend the whole of the day with their Dad if their mum is not up to it.
It is more a that a house full of happy people is fun when you are a child and we do love them and their parent very much. It is just there comes a point when you just can't help any more because no matter how many 'karma points' you have banked and support you have provided you realise that there is absolutely nothing you can do.

So difficult. Help the kids as much as possible. They need you.

Also to the person who says the host and so are selfish - we have dc too. We don't want them adversely affected either.

As the child of an alcoholic I'd do whatever is best for the children.

I'd probably want them at mine where I could make sure they were safe, cared for and fed (let's face it, mum will be drinking wherever they have Christmas) and get Dad to pick them up in the afternoon/evening so they don't have to deal with mum afterwards.

Is there any outside support in place? Two young children should not be in the sole care of an alcoholic

I'm guessing it's your sister?

You are incredibly selfish!

Have you ever had to deal with an alcoholic family member?