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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Telling my DH I don't find him attractive due to weight gain - AIBU?

239 replies

PlatinumDog · 21/12/2019 07:23

I told my DH I wasn’t sexually attracted to him right now because of his weight and now I’m afraid he’s going to leave me

my DH and I (he's 42, i'm 33) have been arguing the last couple days about something. We were texting about it. He brought up the fact that I don’t want to have sex lately. I told him (out of anger) that we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now. He went silent and wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the day.

This has been an ongoing issue for months. Since we met 5 years ago, he has put on almost 100 pounds. I’ve put on 40. I’m not okay with either of us. About 3 months ago we joined a gym together and he’s been using a personal trainer. It’s 30 minutes twice a week and he doesn’t want to go anytime outside of that. I’ve been trying to encourage him to go and we started the keto diet. I’ve been trying to help by giving him smaller portions at dinner and there has been no change.

This morning he left for work without saying goodbye or giving me a kiss. In 5 years he’s never done that. I texted him to apologize and he said things are different between us now. I flipped a switch in him. I told him I still loved him the same and that would never change, that I just didn’t want to have sex right now. He said it’s not about the sex.

This is something that I have been trying to remedy for months. And I’ve been thinking what I said the whole time. But I shouldn’t have said it out of anger and now I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to lose him. I still love him very much. But AIBU?

OP posts:

GooGoo52 · 21/12/2019 07:27

Imagine how you would feel if he said that to you... What a terrible thing to say to someone you supposedly love.

YahooGmail · 21/12/2019 07:28

He is hurt and embarrassed and probably hates the way he looks.... possibly depressed, and now that you've pointed it out he probably feels even worse. It obviously came out in the wrong way, in the heat of an argument, but deep down he knows putting on 100 pounds isn't healthy or good. Give him time to cool off. When you get time to talk tell him you're so sorry for the way it came out and that you love him so much and don't feel great about yourself either at the moment. Hopefully he'll come around and at some stage you might do something together to try and lose weight, but it will have to be his decision if he wants to do it or not

user1483387154 · 21/12/2019 07:29

I can understand him being hurt but I also understand that his weight gain has affected your sexual interest in him.

PotteringAlong · 21/12/2019 07:29

You don’t love him that much, else you would never have said it.

NameChangeNugget · 21/12/2019 07:31

YANBU. I’d feel exactly the same way.

You’ve tried to do it subtly as well.

Lolwhat · 21/12/2019 07:31

That’s not a nice thing to hear, you would be upset if he said that to you.

NabooThatsWho · 21/12/2019 07:31

It’s a tricky one. 100 pounds is a lot of weight and he must look very different to when you first met.
Is he comfort eating? Does he seem depressed?
Does he actually want to lose weight or is he doing it because he feels pressured by you?

WobblyAllOver · 21/12/2019 07:33

DH and I have been overweight at different times and if one of us had said that to the other than I think it would have really affected our relationship.

Unfortunately you can't take those words back but honestly what did you expect to happen after saying that.

KatherineJaneway · 21/12/2019 07:33

Sounds like he plays ball at home I.e. gym and smaller portions but eats when you are not around if it is not working.

KellyHall · 21/12/2019 07:33

How angry were you to say something so hurtful?
Are you still angry? Or do you want to split up? Is that why you have apologised but made no other effort to heal the relationship?
If I'd upset my husband, I'd be looking to give him a safe space to vent with quality time together in whichever way works for you as a couple: out for a meal, a crisp winter stroll, playing cards or a board game.
Get some time together to be open, listen to each other and bond again.

CalmdownJanet · 21/12/2019 07:34

Could you have handled it better? Probably yes but 7 stone is a lot of weight so I don't think yabu in feeling like you do either. I think the fact you said that you both need to lose is fair enough too. It probably just stung a bit to hear it, just leave him a few days, it's probably a mixture if having something he knew confirmed for him and embarrassment.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 21/12/2019 07:34

100 lbs is a lot of weight but that was a shit thing to say.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 21/12/2019 07:36

100 pounds is over 7 stone. This isn't just about weight gain or weight loss. That is far beyond that. Your husband has an issue with food. What you said wasn't nice, but I don't know what else you could have done. If you had put on 7 stone and weren't really doing much about losing it I would expect your husband to address it with you.

You didn't tell him he was fat, you said you both were. He knows he has a huge problem but rather than focusing on that he is now turning it around to make it about you and what you said rather than the actual issue.

Your husband needs to see a mental health professional about his weight, his relationship with food, his dependence on it and his possible addiction to it. You might be giving him smaller portions but he is undoubtedly secret eating behind your back.

What you said wasn't nice. Nobody likes to hear that. But something needed to be said. It's up to him whether or not he addresses it now. But for now it's easier for him to attack you rather than face the actual problem.

wildcherries · 21/12/2019 07:36

I don't blame him. I wouldn't want to kiss a partner who had sad to me. It would make me feel different about them. He's being honest with you now. Think about how you would have felt in the opposite scenario.

Northernsoullover · 21/12/2019 07:37

I'd feel the same way. You will be told that you are supposed to love him as he is though and that you are an awful person. People get very defensive about weight gain.
There is nothing worse than watching someone you adore shovel a party size bag of crisps down their gullet seconds after finishing an evening meal. Increased risk of heart disease, diabetes cancers..
I put on half a stone at the beginning of the year. That's not a lot but I could see where it was going. I've made the effort. It was a bloody effort too. What shocked me was how much I had to cut back just to stop gaining let alone losing weight. I wish my partner valued me as highly.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2019 07:37

That's a lot of weight and I think he's being very immature, yes it's hurtful but it's the truth and you said both of you. He should be able to handle it and deal with it Maturely, rather than react to a level you think thr marriage is over.

ForalltheSaints · 21/12/2019 07:38

Being concerned about putting on 7 stone in 5 years is something valid, but I think you should have expressed it about concern for his health.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 21/12/2019 07:39

Saying it in anger wasn’t good but he asked a question and you answered truthfully. That’s a lot of weight to gain and I’d be worried about his health.

NemophilistRebel · 21/12/2019 07:42

100lbs is a huge amount
He must know it and obviously didn’t want to hear it

Ardnassa · 21/12/2019 07:44

100lbs is a LOT. That is not far off my entire body weight as an adult woman. I think you actually said it pretty tactfully, given it was in the middle of an argument, as you made it about both of you.

I would give him some time to consider and cool down. Seeing as this has come after you have tried helping him with his weight loss in all the ways mentioned above, been on a weight loss journey together etc. I think you're not unreasonable but have clearly struck a nerve. Hopefully he will give you an opportunity to highlight all the ways in which you are both trying to be healthier and this may even mean that he perhaps takes his health and weight loss seriously now.

MarieG10 · 21/12/2019 07:46

That sort of weight gain is a massive health threat. You need to talk as clearly it is a problem for you both. I assume 40 is probably % wise to yourself not dissimilar?

30 mins twice a week in a gym is a good start but nowhere near enough. Get a Fitbit and you will be amazed how many calories you burn from walking let alone running

eaglejulesk · 21/12/2019 07:47

How would you feel if he said that to you? I think you have been horrible to be honest. Yes, he has put on a lot of weight, but he needs kindness and encouragement if he is going to lose it, not being told you no longer fancy him! I know people who have partners who are seriously overweight, but they are loved for the person they are, not what they look like.

Roselilly36 · 21/12/2019 07:47

He must be so upset, not a nice thing to say tbh, weight is a sensitive issue for most of us. I can’t say I am surprised that he left without kissing, his confidence/sense of security is probably in crisis.

beautifulstranger101 · 21/12/2019 07:49

I can see both sides. On the one hand- 100 lbs is a heck of a lot and lets be honest here, attraction is important. On the other side, if my h said that to me I would be absolutely devastated and I'm not sure how I could get over that- even if i lost the weight, i'd then be paranoid if i put on even a lb he'd go off me.
I agree with others, its a valid concern esp with regards to health but this kind of thing shouldn't be said in anger. Delivery is everything here.
I would sit him down, tell him you love him and are concerned about him. Tell him you feel BOTH of you need to lose weight and you think it would be great to lose weight together and the shared keep fit activities can bring you closer. I do think you might have to apologise (not for finding him less attractive because that is understandable) but for the way you phrased it. It could have been phrased in a much more sensitive way. I'd also express that you feel bad about your own weight gain too so he doesnt feel this is all on him.

eaglejulesk · 21/12/2019 07:49

Incidentally, imagine what the MNers would be saying if it was the other way around! They would be telling you to leave him.

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