Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling my DH I don't find him attractive due to weight gain - AIBU?

239 replies

PlatinumDog · 21/12/2019 07:23

I told my DH I wasn’t sexually attracted to him right now because of his weight and now I’m afraid he’s going to leave me

my DH and I (he's 42, i'm 33) have been arguing the last couple days about something. We were texting about it. He brought up the fact that I don’t want to have sex lately. I told him (out of anger) that we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now. He went silent and wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the day.

This has been an ongoing issue for months. Since we met 5 years ago, he has put on almost 100 pounds. I’ve put on 40. I’m not okay with either of us. About 3 months ago we joined a gym together and he’s been using a personal trainer. It’s 30 minutes twice a week and he doesn’t want to go anytime outside of that. I’ve been trying to encourage him to go and we started the keto diet. I’ve been trying to help by giving him smaller portions at dinner and there has been no change.

This morning he left for work without saying goodbye or giving me a kiss. In 5 years he’s never done that. I texted him to apologize and he said things are different between us now. I flipped a switch in him. I told him I still loved him the same and that would never change, that I just didn’t want to have sex right now. He said it’s not about the sex.

This is something that I have been trying to remedy for months. And I’ve been thinking what I said the whole time. But I shouldn’t have said it out of anger and now I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to lose him. I still love him very much. But AIBU?

OP posts:
BloodyCats · 21/12/2019 15:11

I don’t think you are BU. If you can’t be honest about how you feel then there is a problem.
Yes it’s not nice for him to hear, but at least you have been honest.

73Sunglasslover · 21/12/2019 15:20

If you only want to have sex with someone who fits with societiy's arrow definition of attractive i think your sex life had a shelf life anyway. Ageing does no one any favours really. I can see why he's so hurt and feels like things are fundamentally different.

Purpleartichoke · 21/12/2019 15:27

If your physical attraction to your husband is so shallow that it depends on appearance, then maybe he should leave. He deserves someone who desires him because of who he is, not what he looks like.

beautifulstranger101 · 21/12/2019 15:28

Where did OP say "I only want to have sex with society's definition of attractive"? She said SHE no longer found him attractive, it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks, or finds attractive, it doesnt matter if everyone else in the entire word finds overweight men sexy as hell. She doesnt and THAT is the issue.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 21/12/2019 15:29

Honestly if I had put on lots of weight and dh said this to me during an argument, with what I would think was intended to hurt me I really don’t know if our relationship would ever be the same again. You didn’t sit down with your dh and have an honest conversation about your concerns about his and your own health, you said a horrible insult in the middle of an argument these are two very different situations. I’m sure your dh knows he’s over weight so all you really did was rub salt in the wound. I’m also not surprised at how he acted that morning before work as if it where me I wouldn’t have even wanted to see you let alone kiss you tbh. What your dh needs is support and encouragement if he’s finding it hard losing weight (which lots of people do) not you making nasty comments.

EC22 · 21/12/2019 15:29

I would consider leaving my husband if he said similar.
It would break my heart.
You did a horrible thing.

73Sunglasslover · 21/12/2019 15:31

I personally think that society does define thin as attractive and fat as unattractive. So the OPs definitions conform to societal demands. I would want someone to leave me if they didnt find me attractive despite the fact that I k now I'm not attractive at all really. But I find my unattractive bald and old oh attractive because it's about the whole person.

beautifulstranger101 · 21/12/2019 15:33

I would also not want someone to have sex with me if they didnt find me attractive so in that regard, she needed to have said something (whether you agree with how she said it or not).

Also, we have no idea if OP's partner was "thin" to start with, he may have been quite chunky already and has just put on more and more with time.

73Sunglasslover · 21/12/2019 15:33

I agree EC22. I would leave if my oh said this. There would be nothing that would recover the situation. Sorry I hurt you does not mean that you feel any differently which is what the issue would be for me.

73Sunglasslover · 21/12/2019 15:35

I agree with beautiful stranger too. I wouldn't want someone to have sex with me if they didnt find me attractive but then I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with that person.

Countryescape · 21/12/2019 15:36

I think he should leave. I would in this situation.You say you’re concerned about his health? Well in that case you should have sat down calmly and discussed it. But instead you throw insults in an argument which indicates to me the only thing you care about are his looks.

Lidon · 21/12/2019 15:37

I hope he leaves you OP. He deserves so much better!

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2019 15:42

Good god, some of these responses, the sheer amount of deliberate misinterpretation, projecting and rage that the op dare comment or not fancy him any more because he got fat.

Daisy7654 · 21/12/2019 15:53

7 stone more is an awful lot of weight. If you leave him or he leaves you, he's going to massively struggle on dating scene.
Don't be too harsh on yourself, you're allowed to have standards.

likeafishneedsabike · 21/12/2019 16:01

Good god, people get so ridiculously defensive when it comes to weight. 7 stone is a PERSON. That is neither healthy nor attractive. If i was was putting my health and well-being at risk to that extent, I’d expect DH to call me out and give me a shock.

Northernsoullover · 21/12/2019 16:04

@EC22 so you wouldn't address your extra 100lbs? Your diabetes and heart disease risk?

Grumpos · 21/12/2019 17:14

I can imagine it has really hurt his pride and ego that you no longer find him attractive. But let’s be honest, he won’t even be able to see his todger with that amount of extra fat / weight!

And for those who are saying “you should have sat him down and told him delicately” - clearly they have talked about it prior to this argument because they’d joined a gym together and got a PT - you don’t do that with no discussion. So obviously the weight gain (from both sides) has at least come up in discussion.

It’s not nice that you’ve said this is anger but why is he bringing up your sex life in anger? He could have “sat you down and addressed it delicately” but he didn’t.

OP hasn’t said she doesn’t love him because of the weight gain, she just doesn’t want the big man boobs and gut humping away on top of her. Don’t blame you!

Hefzi · 21/12/2019 17:15

It's not about the weight, his health or whether OP is attracted to her husband - it's that she deliberately used something she knows he's sensitive about to cause him pain in anger. Can those of you defending her really not understand this?

Your husband knows you struggle with him bringing the only salary into the home whilst you are a SAHM and throws this in your face during a row, with the intent to hurt you - same thing.

Your husband knows that you feel intellectually inferior because you chose to drop out of your degree when he has one- uses this to hurt you during a row? Same thing.

It's not about not fancying her fat husband - that's an acceptable and understandable response to gaining 100lbs. Weaponising that? Not acceptable.

As all those pointing out with faux naivety about how this nastiness is even an issue, that's not "normal" weigtgain. PP talked about going to a size 20 "through shitty diet and sheer laziness". Gaining forty pounds like that, as the OP has, falls within the normal "shitty diet and sheer laziness" parameters. Gaining 2.5x the amount she has in the same time - nah. That's not just "shitty diet and sheer laziness". Which is why it's not about the weight gain. It's about finding someone's weak spot and leaning on it with the sole intention of causing pain/winning a fight. That's the issue here, not whether or not she's attracted to him.

beautifulstranger101 · 21/12/2019 17:48

@hefzi

So, I am really curious now, what would YOU have said to the OPs H if he was your H, and he was asking why you haven't had sex with him in ages and why you won't have sex with him now? How can you tell him its due to the weight gain in a "sensitive" way that won't hurt his feelings?

Is there a way to do that? I'm not sure there is. People have suggested ways to communicate that sensitively and others have shot them down saying they could easily read between the lines and they would know it was a thickly disguised insult. So, what would you have answered to the question: Why won't you have sex with me?

IsoscelesSandwich · 21/12/2019 17:52

YNBU. Being at least 7 stone overweight is going to have serious effects to his health. I wouldn’t fancy my OH if he put on 7 stone. It’s not nice to hear, but honesty is important.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 21/12/2019 18:03

Good god, some of these responses, the sheer amount of deliberate misinterpretation, projecting and rage that the op dare comment or not fancy him any more because he got fat.

Quite

Putting on that amount of weight and not expecting an impact on some facet of your relationship is rather naive.

73Sunglasslover · 21/12/2019 21:09

I don't agree Pan. If his appearance changed for other reasons would it be ok to leave him because you don't fancy him? What if he was disfigured in an accident? I think love and attraction go deeper than looks. He clearly has an issue with food but if you cany8support him with that the kind think to do is call it a day.

Seethesleepybunnies · 21/12/2019 22:03

Ouch OP. If my partner said that to me I’d be gutted. You could have said it in a worse way though.

At 7 stone he obviously knows he’s put on a lot.

It also sounds to me that you’ve got more issues going on other than the weight one

TriangularRatbag · 22/12/2019 00:42

If his appearance changed for other reasons would it be ok to leave him because you don't fancy him? What if he was disfigured in an accident?

If you no longer find him attractive then the alternatives are to leave him, to have a sexless relationship (whilst trying to avoid explaining why?) or to grit your teeth and have reluctant sex. I don't believe that you can rationalise your way into being attracted to someone.

Episcomama · 22/12/2019 00:51

I can understand how upset he is, but I also sympathize with you. I'm your husband, as it were, in my marriage. Not 100lbs but around 60. We aren't having much sex at the moment, mainly due to it being a particularly stressful time at work and home for us both - but I can't imagine my weight gain is helping. I wouldn't want to have sex with me, either.

I am sure your DH is so hurt because he knows your right. Maybe it'll be the incentive he needs.

Swipe left for the next trending thread