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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Telling my DH I don't find him attractive due to weight gain - AIBU?

239 replies

PlatinumDog · 21/12/2019 07:23

I told my DH I wasn’t sexually attracted to him right now because of his weight and now I’m afraid he’s going to leave me

my DH and I (he's 42, i'm 33) have been arguing the last couple days about something. We were texting about it. He brought up the fact that I don’t want to have sex lately. I told him (out of anger) that we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now. He went silent and wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the day.

This has been an ongoing issue for months. Since we met 5 years ago, he has put on almost 100 pounds. I’ve put on 40. I’m not okay with either of us. About 3 months ago we joined a gym together and he’s been using a personal trainer. It’s 30 minutes twice a week and he doesn’t want to go anytime outside of that. I’ve been trying to encourage him to go and we started the keto diet. I’ve been trying to help by giving him smaller portions at dinner and there has been no change.

This morning he left for work without saying goodbye or giving me a kiss. In 5 years he’s never done that. I texted him to apologize and he said things are different between us now. I flipped a switch in him. I told him I still loved him the same and that would never change, that I just didn’t want to have sex right now. He said it’s not about the sex.

This is something that I have been trying to remedy for months. And I’ve been thinking what I said the whole time. But I shouldn’t have said it out of anger and now I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to lose him. I still love him very much. But AIBU?

OP posts:

PhoneLock · 21/12/2019 08:26

Isn't it standard MN procedure in these circumstances to LTB?

brummiesue · 21/12/2019 08:31

You have done the right thing, maybe this will be the push he needs. My partner had put on so much weight over the last few years and I absolutely hate it. I do not fancy him or want to have sex with him, he makes no effort to help himself and just carries on shovelling shit down his neck. Its absolutely infuriating and am considering ending the relationship (other issues as well of course but this is a big one!)

Adoptthisdogornot · 21/12/2019 08:32

Thank you beautifulstranger, i am trying to be sensitive. I think I'm going to really push it in January, when the rest of the country gets health conscious. I don66t want to live like this for the rest of my life, but equally, couldn't consider leaving my uusband because he got fat (imagine explaining that to the children!). It's a thoroughly depressing situation really.

BigFatLiar · 21/12/2019 08:35

It wasn't kind or tactful. Why not suggest that you both join a slimming group after Christmas and lose weight together. Being overweight is not only unattractive but unhealthy. Doing it together you can give each other support and encouragement.

Adoptthisdogornot · 21/12/2019 08:35

Also, as a side note, if a partner were harming thenswlves in a different way, e.g with drugs, I don't think we would be encouraged to enable them? Some of the posters seem to think it's better to say nothing than risk hurting someone's feelings, but it's about a lot more than just how fanciable someone is, being very overweight is really dangerous for health.

beautifulstranger101 · 21/12/2019 08:37

@adopthisdogornot
I get it. Its a really really hard situation and yes, you are right- imagine if you left him because of it. It would make you out be a horrible shallow person (even though you aren't and its perfectly understandable for attraction to wax and wane).
I would really push the health angle- esp if you have kids, thats a great justification to stay healthy for them.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2019 08:42

So many people confuse love and physical attraction.

One of my Male friends gained this amount of weight, he went from a fit healthy biker guy to someone who is morbidly obese. His wife loves him dearly, but She is not physically attracted to him. Even he doesn't like the way he looks, and his behaviour reflects that.

Everything about him is different, from his face, which is now very puffy, with double chins and sunken eyes, to his hands, to his body. He looks like a different person totally.

But the op is different, she's gained three stone, she made this about both of them, and with this amount of weight gain between them, I can see why she might not be feeling up for sex. That's totally fine. As she said, she shouldn't have expressed it in anger, but there is nothing wrong with the sentiment, and quite frankly she has tried to deal with sensitively and proactively it for both of them.

It doesn't mean she doesn't love him because she doesn't want to bang his brains out right now.

beautifulstranger101 · 21/12/2019 08:47

I think people are forgetting that attraction isn't a choice. Its not like you have a switch you can just turn it on and off. If there was, noone would be having affairs! To a certain extent, love is a choice- eg. I choose to act lovingly to my H even when he really irritates me unintentionally some days! Then other days, I love him without much effort at all. But attraction doesnt work like that- you can't choose to be attracted to someone and you certainly can't force it. Its not the same as love.

ManiacalLapwing · 21/12/2019 08:49

It is difficult to be in a relationship with someone who won't look after their health, or is actively engaging in high risk behaviours. I weigh 7 stone and if I lost another half a stone I would completely understand it if my partner was no longer interested in sex with me and told me why, or if he felt like he couldn't stay with me because I wasn't seeking help for my mental health issues.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/12/2019 08:50

I love my husband very much but if he put 100 pounds on we'd not be having sex. Should I tell him the truth or not? What is wrong with being honest? If I didn't want sex because of his personal hygiene he would also be very hurt when I told him but it would still need to be said if it was going to be fixed.

FFSFFSFFS · 21/12/2019 08:52

Isn't it standard MN procedure in these circumstances to LTB?

This.

I think it was an horrific thing to say in an horrific manner to someone you supposedly love.

If a man had said this to his wife who came on here he would be destroyed.

No - you can't help it if you're not attracted to him. You can help whether or not you're a supportive partner. He clearly has a serious issue which needs to be dealt with kindly and compassionately.

If he had cancer and was seriously ill and you didn't want to sleep with him would you have said this?

Support him to address what is causing his issues. Or leave him and he will be better off.

You should feel very very VERY bad.

eaglejulesk · 21/12/2019 08:54

It seems in MN world we can only be attracted to thin people - goodness, it's a wonder a good percentage of the population of the world ever have sex. Yes, 7 stone is a lot of weight to put on - but we don't what the starting point was, and putting on weight is nothing at all like deciding not to brush your teeth etc. When I said I know people with overweight partners I meant they were overweight when they got together, so presumably they do find them attractive. I had no idea just how many shallow people there are in the world to be honest.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2019 08:58

It seems in MN world we can only be attracted to thin people

I think you might just win a prize for that statement. 🤣

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 21/12/2019 08:58

Something is up, if you gain 7 stone like that you are not happy

Apologise profusely then drop it

But later on, try and get to the bottom of his underlying unhappiness.... He does not sound like he loves himself much, abusing his body like that

dudsville · 21/12/2019 08:59

For those saying if this were reversed mn would be giving different advice, I don't think this comment is the same for men and women. Not all women have babies, but a lot do, and for a lot of those women weight gain becomes problematic. Men don't have the same trigger. His 100 lbs is coming from a different place.

As for having said it, we're increasingly clued up with regard to ways to avoid shaming another person, but how do we speak honestly, with kindness, about a sensitive topic like this. It is tricky. I think you're muddling through reasonably ok op with what is a very difficult topic to discuss.

WobblyAllOver · 21/12/2019 08:59

I suspect he is hurt because the OP has clearly said to him she doesn't find him attractive anymore. Can you imagine wanting to give someone a kiss goodbye after that?

Our bodies can change for a variety of reasons, weight, age, health etc and to say openly and in anger that she doesn't fancy him anymore probably makes him wonder about their future.

Disfordarkchocolate · 21/12/2019 09:01

Lots of sexual attraction is shallow, nothing wrong with that. Having a partner, like the OP, who isn't addressing a known issue and is ignoring the obvious impact doesn't mean the women has to ignore it. All the caring and support in the world won't change his eating habits, only he can do that and his partner doesn't just have to be supportive and put up with something that impacts on her sex life. At some point, plain-talking is called for and perhaps for her, this was that point.

Jellybeansincognito · 21/12/2019 09:04

100lbs is a concerning amount of weight to gain in such a short space of time.

I’ve gained half of that in 10 years (I’ve struggled a lot with this also and feel disgusting).

It wasn’t nice of you to use this against him in anger though.

beautifulstranger101 · 21/12/2019 09:06

It seems in MN world we can only be attracted to thin people
Oh come on- thats a bit of a leap.
OP says her partner has put on just over 7 stone and now its "well- I guess we can only be attracted to thin people!!". 7 stone is the weight of another human being. He must be unrecognisable to the person he once was. Its completely justified that OP is not only worried but turned off by the enormous change that has occurred.

Comparing it to cancer isn't helpful either- cancer isn't a lifestyle choice, its something awful that happens to you that is beyond your control. So unless OP's partner has an illness that makes him gain huge amounts of weight against his will the two aren't remotely comparable.

There must be something behind this weight gain for it to be so excessive- I would be worried too.

pictish · 21/12/2019 09:06

I haven’t read the thread but just wanted to say that personal trainers and keto diets are a terrible way to lose weight. So much pressure to perform, such a rigid way of thinking about food.

The trick is to find a form of exercise you actually enjoy on some level. For me, that certainly wouldn’t be under the watchful eye of a personal trainer...I’d hate that. I’m a trail runner. I run alone.

By the time you reach adulthood proper, you know what you need to eat and what you ought to avoid. Plenty of fresh fruit and veg, stay away from the junk. It’s not rocket science.

I say this as someone who has lost about eight stone (possibly more) over the last two and a half years. I built up my fitness being active in ways that were rewarding. I like the outdoors and scenery so hillwalking, mountain biking and trail running work for me. I have a friend who prefers the zen of swimming regularly and another who hula-hoops. Some people are team sports people or boot camp people...others want to lift weights. It doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you’re doing something.
A personal trainer would be an esteem-crushing, anxiety-creating, pressure-building nightmare for me. Maybe your dh doesn’t enjoy having one or indeed, going to the gym? I never set foot inside one myself.

Just my thoughts. X

Northernsoullover · 21/12/2019 09:07

My weight gain didn't come from having babies. My weight gain came from eating big boxes of Thorntons, blueberry muffins and hazelnut lattes. I had to drop the Thorntons and muffins. I still have a latte. I gave up alcohol too.

eaglejulesk · 21/12/2019 09:07

Indeed, if the OP finds her husband unattractive then she is entitled to feel like that. He is also entitled to feel that if she doesn't want him the way he is then maybe he would be better off without her.

eaglejulesk · 21/12/2019 09:11

I haven’t read the thread but just wanted to say that personal trainers and keto diets are a terrible way to lose weight. So much pressure to perform, such a rigid way of thinking about food.

This is so true.

EstuaryBird · 21/12/2019 09:15

In this situation what you say and what the other person hears are 2 different things.

You are saying that you don’t find him sexually desirable right now because he’s fat....not nice to hear at all but you are only talking about the sexual side of your relationship. What he hears is that you don’t love him for himself but only when he fits the image that you want. Happened to me and it changes everything.

It’s a no win situation because when you do lose weight and they become sexually interested in you again it’s just worse because all you think is that it’s just the body they want and not the person. It’s hard to explain but you feel like you the person doesn’t matter, it’s only the meat of the body that makes a difference. Left me with a lot of issues that I’ve never really resolved. Nobody puts on weight because they want to or are a ‘greedy pig’, there’s always something behind it so he will already have some issue with himself.

I don’t know what you can do to make it right, just be kind.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 21/12/2019 09:23

@eaglejulesk having a sexual preference is not shallow. What next? Are you going to suggest that people who have preferences about a partners genetics is shallow? Sex is about what feels good and turns you on. Not everyone can feel ok having sex with someone very overweight. There’s no need to shame people for their sexual responses, it’s not like they can help it. Can you wake up tomorrow and decide to switch from being heterosexual/homosexual to the other? Or to be sexually attracted to you dad? This isn’t any different.

OP, it was unkind to throw this at him during an argument but he literally asked you to. He must have known the answer to his question before he asked it. What did he expect you to do? Lie and pretend that somehow it’s your fault? He is well within his rights to be hurt and upset and I would give him space before attempt to broach the subject in a calm manner. Ultimately he may not want to talk about it and he may not want to loose weight. That’s his choice and you’ll have to find a way to either work around that or come to an amicable parting.

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