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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Telling my DH I don't find him attractive due to weight gain - AIBU?

239 replies

PlatinumDog · 21/12/2019 07:23

I told my DH I wasn’t sexually attracted to him right now because of his weight and now I’m afraid he’s going to leave me

my DH and I (he's 42, i'm 33) have been arguing the last couple days about something. We were texting about it. He brought up the fact that I don’t want to have sex lately. I told him (out of anger) that we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now. He went silent and wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the day.

This has been an ongoing issue for months. Since we met 5 years ago, he has put on almost 100 pounds. I’ve put on 40. I’m not okay with either of us. About 3 months ago we joined a gym together and he’s been using a personal trainer. It’s 30 minutes twice a week and he doesn’t want to go anytime outside of that. I’ve been trying to encourage him to go and we started the keto diet. I’ve been trying to help by giving him smaller portions at dinner and there has been no change.

This morning he left for work without saying goodbye or giving me a kiss. In 5 years he’s never done that. I texted him to apologize and he said things are different between us now. I flipped a switch in him. I told him I still loved him the same and that would never change, that I just didn’t want to have sex right now. He said it’s not about the sex.

This is something that I have been trying to remedy for months. And I’ve been thinking what I said the whole time. But I shouldn’t have said it out of anger and now I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to lose him. I still love him very much. But AIBU?

OP posts:

Interestedwoman · 23/12/2019 18:55

' we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now'

If this is genuinely how you put it, then it's not as bad as some PP's are making out/as you feel. Remind him that you weren't having a go at him personally, you were making a general point about both of you. I think that was quite a restrained/clever way to put it in anger.

Interestedwoman · 23/12/2019 19:02

'What I am saying is that you're better off not marrying someone unless you will still fancy them when they are 7 stone heavier'

Ohmahgerrd. I like guys a bit bigger than average, and my lover is 15 stone. I think he's bloody gorgeous. I've seen a pic of him when he used to be 20 stone. No way would I have been physically attracted to him! He had cheeks like a beaver. Anyone who thinks/says 7 stone wouldn't make a difference to their level of attraction to their OH is lying.

Hurdygurdy24 · 23/12/2019 19:02

Am interesting thread.

My ex wife was around 8 stone when we got married. I don’t know exactly what she weighed when we split but it was pretty much twice that.

I did mention it on occasion, mainly down to the fact that I thought it was a poor example to be setting our children. That one came back and bit me in family court as apparently it abusive to suggest someone sets a good example to their kids by the way they eat.

Obviously there are ways of broaching such a subject that could or couldn’t be abusive, but the assumption that just mentioning someone weight and associated unhealthy lifestyle is abuse is a load of rubbish.

Had I suddenly taken up smoking in front of the kids I expect she would have said something, and am sure she would have if it had been me that had doubled in size and did zero exercise

Josette77 · 23/12/2019 19:36

Yanbu I married a thin man..he's gained 20-30 pounds in the last few years. I still find him sexy as hell, but he is working on losing it. 100 lbs is a lot. I adore my DH but I couldn't have sex with him if he gained that much. That's almost what I weigh. I don't think it would be very comfortable.
He brought up sex. You were honest. Ignore those that are taking this personally. Attraction. Is what it is. You can't force it.

YouJustDoYou · 23/12/2019 20:22

My ex wife was around 8 stone when we got married. I don’t know exactly what she weighed when we split but it was pretty much twice that. I did mention it on occasion, mainly down to the fact that I thought it was a poor example to be setting our children. That one came back and bit me in family court as apparently it abusive to suggest someone sets a good example to their kids by the way they eat

Because 8 stone is absolutely tiny - it comes to a point after children and age happens that it becomes hellishily difficult for.many women to not gain weight. I think court was right in your example- "poor example" just because your wife was now 16 stone? What "example" did you want fornyour kids, women must remain tiny and fat free and eat lettuce and dust and air after having kids and ageing in order to remain pre-kid weight?

Hurdygurdy24 · 23/12/2019 20:31

Because 8 stone is absolutely tiny

Depends how tall you are surely?

A good example is regular meals and a nice of all good types to show a balanced diet and healthy attitude to food coupled with moderate activity to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

A poor example is only ever eating fried beige food and snacking non stop while doing no exercise at all and actively avoiding anything that involves a bit of physical excursion and so ending up with a BMI that puts you well into the obese category with the health risks associated with it such as diabetes and heart disease

TriangularRatbag · 23/12/2019 20:33

I don’t know exactly what she weighed when we split but it was pretty much twice that.

What an awful attitude.

YouJustDoYou · 23/12/2019 20:38

And you didn't stop to worry about your wife and WHY she went from 8 stone to doing all you said? There's always reasons. I hope your ex wife is ok, sounds like she went through seriously tough time.

AlternativePerspective · 23/12/2019 20:42

I don’t know exactly what she weighed when we split but it was pretty much twice that. why? she doubled her weight. As in the OP’s case, she gained over 100 lb, I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to have sex with someone who has gained that amount of weight.

And do bear in mind that physical attraction is different to emotional attraction, so they could still be the same person but physically no longer attractive. Anyone who says that no amount of weight gain would make the least bit of impact to how they felt about their partner physically is lying.

LittleBeex · 23/12/2019 20:53

I honestly would be so upset if my partner had said this to me, and I would probably react the same way as he has. I'm sorry OP but what you said was hurtful. I can't imagine feeling differently toward my partner because of the way that he looks. When I look at him I see his amazing personality and I'm reminded of all of our memories and the reasons that I love him, I don't see physical imperfections.

If he'd said he doesn't want to have sex with you because of the way that you look, how would that make you feel? And to almost pressure him into losing weight because you're not attracted to how he looks now.. I'm sorry but that's upsetting.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 23/12/2019 21:03

What I am saying is that you're better off not marrying someone unless you will still fancy them when they are 7 stone heavier

My husband has an alcohol addiction. It has changed him physically. It has affected his complexion. It has given him various other health complaints. I don't don't find him as attractive as I did. I certainly don't want to have sex with him when he's pissed.

Should I have factored in the possibility of him developing an alcohol problem before marrying him and decided whether or not I'd still fancy him through it? And should I still be attracted to him and want to have sex with him when he is continually abusing his body just because I did marry him and should accept him "for better or worse"?

Why are his feelings and wants (and alcohol abuse) more important than my feelings and wants? Should I be the subservient wife and not point out any fault with him, have sex whenever he looks for it?

I tried the gentle approach. It didn't work.
I tried the confrontational approach. It didn't work.
I tried begging. It didn't work.
I tried crying. It didn't work.
I tried threatening. It didn't work.
I tried hiding drink. It didn't work.
I tried refusing to drive him to the pub. It didn't work (and he was convicted of drink driving... That still didn't work)
I tried pointing out the damage to him. It didn't work.
I tried pointing out the damage to me. It didn't work.
I tried pointing out the damage to our relationship. It didn't work.
I tried pointing out the damage to our children. It didn't work.

Nothing works. When you are dealing with an addict nothing works. The only thing that works is accepting that nothing you do will work.

OP's husband has a food addiction. Nothing you do will work, OP. People telling you to be kinder won't work. Kindness is seen as a weakness by addicts, and they use it against you for their own gain. Everything will be your fault. You're not at fault. You didn't do anything wrong, but it is much better for him to make it all your fault.

Because if it's your fault, then it's not his.

Crazycrazylady · 23/12/2019 21:15

I think this is a sensitive subject for lots of people including myself. I'm two stone overweight and I know my husband would prefer me slimmer even though he would never ever say it. I think many of people saying that your partner should fancy you no matter what size they get and if they don't they are shallow people are perhaps like me and it's a way to put it on our partners instead of us.

Junie70 · 23/12/2019 21:35

I don't see anything wrong with what you said OP.

If you can't be honest with your partner, there's something massively wrong. 100lbs could be the difference between healthy and heart attack.

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2019 21:41

crazycrazylady good post, and I suspect you're right.

KareyHunt · 23/12/2019 21:44

100lbs could be the difference between healthy and heart attack.

More to the point of the thread it's the difference between a blowjob and a game of find the sausage in the haystack followed by a olympic-standard breath control.

M3lon · 24/12/2019 01:05

blue I don't really know how I can make it any clearer. It is possible to fancy someone entirely for their personality. You won't lose interest in them if they change shape (and everyone is going to) because it isn't their shape you find sexy...its their personality.

I'm sorry you haven't met anyone you would still find sexy if they gained weight....maybe you just haven't found the right person yet.

M3lon · 24/12/2019 01:08

blunt maybe...or maybe some of us are married to people who have found us just as sexy when fat as when we lost weight again, and find our partners sexy no matter what they look like?

Fr0g · 24/12/2019 01:18

Maybe if you have rows.arguments, do it speaking to one and other, rather than rowing by text?
Text/email stays there cold and hard, for the other party to mull and stew over.

PhoneLock · 24/12/2019 01:26

I know my husband would prefer me slimmer even though he would never ever say it.

If you can't be honest with your partner, there's something massively wrong

My husband prefers me slim and isn't afraid to say so. He also prefers chicken to turkey, but that won't stop him enjoying his Christmas dinner.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 24/12/2019 01:35

Hmmm, he was complaining about your reduced sex life and you told him the truth. It was a hurtful truth, but now it's out in the open. I actually don't think you had much choice except to tell him the truth.

If his weight gain is caused by health problems, that's one thing, but if it's not, he can remedy this situation. Yes, you can definitely fancy someone because of their personality (long-term relationships are based on far more than physical attraction) but a 100-pound weight gain is unusual and I think it would affect most people's sex lives.

I hope it works out.

LurkingFather · 24/12/2019 07:07

You have done little wrong. He asked, you answered. As long as it was actually the truth. That is, once he loses the weight you do find him attractive physically.

It would be miserable to find out that, er, actually you were not into him or into sex after all, even though he has shed the 50 pounds or is on the way to.

Either he is a man and take a it on the chin after a bit of huffing and puffing, or he is a wimp and whines how nasty you were for the rest of the marriage or even his life.

If former he will make an effort and it will show soon. If latter, his problem is not a few or many pounds but absence of character. Which in its own right would be ample reason for not fancying him.

WobblyAllOver · 24/12/2019 07:19

The thing is the OP has put on 40 pounds as well. If that was on my frame it would be very big.

Maybe OPs DH is hurt because he still loves and fancies her even when she has changed physically but now knows that OP only fancies him when slim.

CecilyP · 24/12/2019 07:41

Except he may never have actually been slim in the first place. Maybe he was already a chunky build when she met him. There is a massive difference in, say, 14 stone and 21 stone!

ferntwist · 24/12/2019 07:49

It’s not realistic to expect OP to still want sex with a man who has gained such a huge amount of weight. 100lbs or 7 stone is immense - DH must look like a different person and he is wrecking his health. He’s being extremely selfish and petulant. OP has admitted she too needs to lose and offered him lots of options to lose together. I would say the same if the roles were reversed.

JKScot4 · 24/12/2019 08:03

I never understand the mindset on any thread regards weight. Why are we so terrified of saying someone is overweight? It’s unhealthy, it’s limiting your life in many ways. It now seems cool
to excuse being obese with any variety of lazy excuses. OP was honest, should she have sex she doesn’t want just to boost her DHs ego?

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