Telling my DH I don't find him attractive due to weight gain - AIBU?

[PlatinumDog]

I told my DH I wasn’t sexually attracted to him right now because of his weight and now I’m afraid he’s going to leave me

my DH and I (he's 42, i'm 33) have been arguing the last couple days about something. We were texting about it. He brought up the fact that I don’t want to have sex lately. I told him (out of anger) that we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now. He went silent and wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the day.

This has been an ongoing issue for months. Since we met 5 years ago, he has put on almost 100 pounds. I’ve put on 40. I’m not okay with either of us. About 3 months ago we joined a gym together and he’s been using a personal trainer. It’s 30 minutes twice a week and he doesn’t want to go anytime outside of that. I’ve been trying to encourage him to go and we started the keto diet. I’ve been trying to help by giving him smaller portions at dinner and there has been no change.

This morning he left for work without saying goodbye or giving me a kiss. In 5 years he’s never done that. I texted him to apologize and he said things are different between us now. I flipped a switch in him. I told him I still loved him the same and that would never change, that I just didn’t want to have sex right now. He said it’s not about the sex.

This is something that I have been trying to remedy for months. And I’ve been thinking what I said the whole time. But I shouldn’t have said it out of anger and now I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to lose him. I still love him very much. But AIBU?

I’ve been in a similar position. My Dh is unrecognisable now from when I first met him. He’s put five stone on over ten years. He too complained about sex and I had to be honest and say that it was now uncomfortable for me.

He lost a stone from October to November but it’s piled back on in the run up to Xmas. Xmas nights out, staff meals, family visiting. For some reason he has just found cheese and sits up late eating cheese on butter slathered crackers.

I’ve had two children since I’ve met him and tried hard to get myself back in to shape after each one.

He knows he’s over weight but in the most part I don’t think he realises just how much. His hip is bad, he has trouble sleeping, he snores so bad and is always tired and dehydrated. His doctor has told him 90% of his ailments are due to him being over weight.

I’m scared to death he will have a heart attack but because he doesn’t drink or smoke he says he is fine

It’s a tough situation your in. Being in a loving relationship should mean you can be honest with each other.

I’ve been promised that after Xmas he will hit the gym again so I’m hoping that happens - whilst secretly concerned about his over eating and trying not to be the food police.

Don’t apologise again. You’ve done it loads of times. It’s been said - you’ve apologised. He’s probably licking his wounds and trying to make you feel shit about being honest.

My Dh downloaded an 0-10k app on his phone and tbh that did help him with focus before Xmas. I think he’s aiming to do a run or a tough mudder style thing in summer. Is this something you could both try together?

The level of defensiveness on here is surprising. I really don't see what's so shitty about saying "we are both getting fatter". Clearly it's true, the op has gained three stone, lots of people don't feel great about themselves with weight gain and it puts them off sex as they feel self conscious. He's gained seven stone and must look like a totally different person. To punish her as he is for even mentioning they are both getting fatter and it's put her off sex is well out of order.

He's punishing her for the way he feels about himself.

He will be beyond hurt can't imagine how shit I would feel about myself if someone told me this.
Really don't know how you are going to come back from this.

100 pounds is over 7 stone. This isn't just about weight gain or weight loss. That is far beyond that. Your husband has an issue with food. What you said wasn't nice, but I don't know what else you could have done.

^I would feel the same as you OP if my partner put on over 7 stone!

You've obviously really hurt him and I think you were unkind and cruel to tell him you don't fancy him because he is fat.
No-one is going to respond well to that. You can't shame people into losing weight, putting on that much weight is about more than just over eating and poor self esteem will make the situation worse not better.

I read a similar thread a few days ago where the DH had said this to the OP. The DH got slated, with barely anyone siding with DH.

You were out of order for saying what you said, how you said it but expressing a concern for his health would have come across a lot kinder. I can see why he's upset with you, imagine how you would feel if this scenario was reversed?

Try to find out WHY he's gained so much weight, could there be an actual issue with food? Could he be depressed?

YABU and you were unnecessarily cruel, be concerned but think about how you spoke to him. Apologise to him and explain your concerns.

I know people who have partners who are seriously overweight, but they are loved for the person they are, not what they look like

Just because some people are happy in relationships with seriously overweight people doesn't mean everyone should be. OP hasn't said she doesn't love her husband. In fact she says she loves him very much. But loving someone is completely different to being sexually attracted to them.

There was no easy way, or nice of answering the question the man asked. OP has tried encouragement, she's tried different portion sizes, nothing is working. She's married to the man. Not a vague friend or colleague. Issues should be able to be discussed. He brought up the subject of lack of sex. Should he not talk about that because it might be upsetting to her?

As a married couple sometimes difficult subjects need to be addressed. 7 stone is a huge amount of weight. And it is not going to be addressed by 2 weekly visits to the gym.

The level of defensiveness on here is surprising. I really don't see what's so shitty about saying "we are both getting fatter".
She didn't sit down with her DH and say look I'm really worried about our weight and it's affecting our health and our relationship. She said 'you're too fat to have sex with' in the heat of an argument to wound her DH.

I think if she had put on 7 stones and her DH had told her she's too unattractive to fancy the response to LTB would be unanimous..

She said 'you're too fat to have sex with' in the heat of an argument to wound her DH

No she didn't, did you not read the op? She said "we are both getting fatter"

were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now
This means 'you're too fat to have sex with'
It's funny, words have more than just their literal meaning. It's called subtext.

Your dh is hurt because he knows he is obese and probably not physically attractive. Unfortunately men have egos and are not used to having to make as much effort as women.
In your situation I'd feel the same. I think there are other issues here though. Putting on 100lbs in 5 years isn't really normal. Your dh may have mild depression or feel stressed and lacking motivation.
You both need to go for a coffee(skimmed milk) and have a heart to heart.

This means 'you're too fat to have sex with

That's your interpretation. To be it means exactly as she said. It's about them both.

Why the defensiveness and anger about this?

I think it sounds like you have been super supportive and encouraging OP and are frustrated by his lack of effort and also his lack of insight that such a huge change in someone physically may affect how their partner feels about them sexually

It may not bother some people but it will bother others and the thing about sexual attraction is that we can’t force it or pretend.

I am guessing it’s his denial of the issue that is the biggest turn off

Would you have accepted it if he had said he didn’t fancy you anymore with your weight gain either? If you can accept and feel you wouldn’t sulk or be hurt if you still wanted sex with him but he said no because you are fatter (despite also gaining weight himself) then what you said is fair enough

Leave him to stew and calm down then try talking to him again/ that you accept both of you have changed physically and it’s affecting your libido in terms of How you feel about your own body as much as his. That you want you both to be fitter and feel good and that will help sex too.

gamer you're right people would say LTB. But I think they would be wrong to. Weight gain is always the elephant in the room (pardon the expression) and it shouldn't be. If a woman gained 7stone she should try and lose it unless she's happy being that way. You can't force desire on someone. If I gained 7 stone and my partner no longer found me sexually attractive am I entitled to pout about it? Or should I accept that he may leave me?
Time and time again we are told, quite rightly that we have the right to refuse sex for any reason. Surely it works both ways?
We all have different tastes and there are many that find the larger frame more desirable. Perhaps we should just accept that it may not be our current partner?

I know people who have partners who are seriously overweight, but they are loved for the person they are, not what they look like

Loving someone and being attracted to them are two different things. Putting on 100lbs (7 stone) is a HUGE amount of weight to put on. Its simply not genuine to say you'd find someone attractive no matter what they did. What if they stopped caring about their personal hygiene? what if they never brushed their teeth or had a wash? That would certainly stop me being attracted to someone who smelt bad. People shouldnt be shamed or made to feel bad that they no longer find their partner attractive. Men certainly dont have any hesitations pointing this out do they? so why should women just accept it?
This conversation needs to be had. Yes, it has to be done sensitively and with love, but it does need to be addressed because this idea that you should be able to do whatever you like and your partner is obliged to still fancy you is simply not true, no matter how much we might like it to be.

My husband has put on weight, no where near as much, but I find it deeply deeply unattractive how lethargic and lazy he's become. It's just not the athletic man I married, so I have the same issue as OP. I have tried everything, exercising together, healthy meals at home, counselling for us as a couple, him individually etc. I know its not rational, but it feels like he doesn't care about me, and isnt willing to make an effort for him or me (or the children) and its such a turn-off. I haven't said anything, but it has massively impacted our sex life and relationship overall and I have no idea what to do.
So, what exactly are we supposed to do?! I don't get on board with the 'I obviosuly don't love him enough/properly' line, he's changed betond recognition and it makes me (and him) very unhappy. I do love him, and I don't want him keeling over with a heart attack at 50.

Time and time again we are told, quite rightly that we have the right to refuse sex for any reason. Surely it works both ways?
Of course it's OK but It's not conversation that should have been had in anger.
There is nothing wrong with the OPs feelings and I think we'd all be worried if our partner put on 7 stone but there were better ways to tell her DH how she was feeling.

I'd still love DP if he were 7 stone heavier but I seriously doubt I'd fancy him.

Ughh I wouldnt be attracted to my partner if he put on 7 stone and would have to give an honest answer and tell him so.

You weren't nasty and you did say both of you had gained weight. He just didn't like hearing the truth. I wouldn't apologise again. He needs to accept he is massively overweight and do something about it. He must be doing quite a lot of secret eating if he's not losing any weight with your diet plan.

@adoptthisdogornot
I guess its like any other marital issue that is bothering you- you talk about it kindly and sensitively and ask him to make a change. If he doesnt then I honestly dont know- maybe then its a case of: can you live like this for the rest of your life?

You have obviously hit a nerve. But partners should try and stay fit and healthy if at all possible. I wouldn't like it if my dh gained an extra 100 lbs. Thats alot.

If you’ve lost the intimacy perhaps it is time to re-assess the relationship. Of course he didn’t kiss you goodbye after you said such a hurtful thing.
Overweight people aren’t unaware of it, they don’t feel good about it, he’s probably hating himself about it anyway so telling him something he already knows in the heat of an argument like that is reall hurtful.
If you want to save your relationship apologise properly and then ask him what else he was referring to when he said things have changed.
And have a think - have you been supportive or just making him feel worse.
I would be devastated if DW said this to me - there a always real reasons behind weight gain. I doubt he’s just decided to pig out and is having a great time with it.

Wow that is massively hurtful even if true. I would focus on losing weight for health.

I also agree that there is something emotional going on behind this weight gain. 7 stone isn't your usual "oh I over indulged a bit over Christmas!" 7 stone is a huge amount to put on and his eating habits must have changed dramatically to sustain weight gain like that. It sounds like he is using food as a way to deal with something emotional going on.

gamer my partner has gained a lot of weight and it has made me less attracted to him. I still love him dearly but I too like the OP have tried the 'hey we are getting older we need to look after ourselves approach' to no avail. If he brings up the lack of sex there have been many an occasion where I want to be far far more brutal. I'm not saying this to imply I'm better than the OP for restraining. I completely understand why she lost it. Its taken every ounce of self restraint not to say similar. If he brought it up on a bad day I probably would have yelled it out too