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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Telling my DH I don't find him attractive due to weight gain - AIBU?

239 replies

PlatinumDog · 21/12/2019 07:23

I told my DH I wasn’t sexually attracted to him right now because of his weight and now I’m afraid he’s going to leave me

my DH and I (he's 42, i'm 33) have been arguing the last couple days about something. We were texting about it. He brought up the fact that I don’t want to have sex lately. I told him (out of anger) that we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now. He went silent and wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the day.

This has been an ongoing issue for months. Since we met 5 years ago, he has put on almost 100 pounds. I’ve put on 40. I’m not okay with either of us. About 3 months ago we joined a gym together and he’s been using a personal trainer. It’s 30 minutes twice a week and he doesn’t want to go anytime outside of that. I’ve been trying to encourage him to go and we started the keto diet. I’ve been trying to help by giving him smaller portions at dinner and there has been no change.

This morning he left for work without saying goodbye or giving me a kiss. In 5 years he’s never done that. I texted him to apologize and he said things are different between us now. I flipped a switch in him. I told him I still loved him the same and that would never change, that I just didn’t want to have sex right now. He said it’s not about the sex.

This is something that I have been trying to remedy for months. And I’ve been thinking what I said the whole time. But I shouldn’t have said it out of anger and now I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to lose him. I still love him very much. But AIBU?

OP posts:
Thunderclearstheair · 21/12/2019 09:27

FFSFFSFFS get a grip Hmm

Thunderclearstheair · 21/12/2019 09:30

Dh has said it to me knowing full it’s because of his weight gain. I kept my mouth shut for ages about it so he did it to purely make me feel guilty.

Funny enough when I said it’s because it too uncomfortable he stopped saying it.

MrsWhites · 21/12/2019 09:31

I agree that the advice given would be different if the positions were reversed. In fact I’m sure there was another thread this week from a woman whose husband had told her he didn’t find her attractive because of weight gain and almost all posters were rightly incensed on her behalf.

I’m not saying 100lbs wouldn’t alter how you see someone sexually but there is a way to approach something like this and it’s not the way the OP did! How hurtful must it be to read something like that so bluntly in a text message. Personally if my husband had gained 100lbs in a year I’d be more concerned for his health than my sex life!

Mumtotwo82 · 21/12/2019 09:31

I would again apologize for the hurtful comment and leave it for a while about the weight and concentrate on your relationship spend some quality time together to let him know how much you love him. In future I would only focus on the health aspects of weight gain and not what he physically looks like as that is only going to lower his self esteem. I'm sure he knows he is not as attractive anymore.

TheStuffedPenguin · 21/12/2019 09:32

You don’t love him that much, else you would never have said it

For sure !

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 21/12/2019 09:32

How about less of the wolf-packing and more useful information?
I doubt the OP is feeling anything other than dreadful since it is a difficult topic to bring up.

Fat is not a swear word and I think the OP is showing her love to her DH in bringing this up. For me obesity is something that is mental as well as physical and it would me neglectful and enabling for her NOT to bring it up.

I think you need to lead a good example yourself and ask him why he feels he has to overeat - I wonder if there are things that he has to unpack in therapy while he works on his body.
However, it is up to him - if I was in that position a failure to work on your health and self-care is not just disrespectful to yourself but to your loved ones too. In my youth I dumped a boyfriend in part due to his weight gain he was in denial of alongside his lack of self-care.

Beautiful3 · 21/12/2019 09:33

Similar situation happened to me.
My husband only gained a stone but i had piled on 4 stone. Neither of us wanted to be intimate any more. I agree yes its hurtful, but these things need to be said. Especially if its affecting your relationship. I've since lost 3 stone with 1 left to go. I look and feel better for it. My husband lost his stone too. Your husbands weight gain is quite severe at 7 stone. Perhaps he was eating extra food at work? Maybe this is the motivation he needs to lose it?! Otherwise he will just get bigger and bigger.

pictish · 21/12/2019 09:37

Regards food. I am an active person who comfort eats so I have a big appetite. I need to eat. Rigid diets are an absolute no go for me. Keto, low-carb, points systems, calorie counting, shakes bars and slim soups...no chance! My appetite cannot be controlled in this way.
I like the freedom to choose and take personal pride in making healthy choices for the most part. Learn to cook is my advice. Make friends with pulses and whole grains, use seasoning, herbs and spices, lean meat, fresh ingredients. Batch cook.
Take pride in eating well. Variety is what it’s all about, not restriction.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 21/12/2019 09:45

You don’t love him that much, else you would never have said it

But what if he died of a heart attack because of the excess fat? What would OP say then? "Oh I knew he was unhealthy but I didn't want to upset him"?

Agreed that she shouldn't have said it in the way she has. But it doesn't sound like the gentle hints were working,

moonsandstars · 21/12/2019 09:46

I don't think YABU. That a lot of weight and i would feel the same if I were you. A women posted something similar though that her husband said she he wasn't attracted to her anymore and people absolutely flamed him for it! It's no different to this scenario and I don't think any situations are unreasonable.

NoParticularPattern · 21/12/2019 09:47

He’s gained 100lbs. Presuming that he’s not a recluse who never passes a mirror and didn’t wear clothing several sizes too big for him prior to the weight gain, he already knows he’s fat. He’s not an idiot and he probably already feels embarrassed or ashamed of how he looks. You telling him he’s fat isn’t going to suddenly make those 100lbs vanish and make him feel better is it? You telling him he’s fat AND that you don’t find him attractive in the middle of an argument? That’s just horrible. If he had said the same to you would you honestly have just brushed it off with “oh well best get myself back on that diet ASAP then, at least he still loves me!”? Because I don’t think anyone would really think that if they were told that they were fat and their husband/wife/partner didn’t want to have sex with them because of it.

You’re entitled not to want to have sex with him, but I don’t think you get to be confused about why he’s upset about what you said to him. I don’t think you can fix this. Honestly I love my husband to death, but if he said to me that he didn’t find me attractive because I’ve put weight on I think I’d walk out there and then. Perhaps your husband is more willing to forgive your angry, shallow outburst, but I know I wouldn’t be

Shinyshoes2 · 21/12/2019 09:48

My OH said this to me
I felt shit about myself and he made me feel shittier
He said it about 10 years ago and dyknow what out of all the things hes ever said THIS repeats back in my head every single day
I never felt so low
You are NOT doing him a favour

funmummy48 · 21/12/2019 09:48

You were being honest and as you’ve admitted that you know you’re also over-weight, I don’t think you’ve been unreasonable. You’re trying to tackle it together but it sounds as though he’s not really putting the effort in. Perhaps this will be the “kick up the bum” he needs. It’s not just about being less attractive it’s about his health too and if you didn’t care about him, you’d let him get on with it.

Oblomov19 · 21/12/2019 09:48

What you say. In anger. Can't be taken back. And is damaging.

This whole thread: obviously goes much deeper than just recent conversations.

AnotherEmma · 21/12/2019 09:53

YABU to argue or have any kind of difficult conversation by text message, of all things. You need to talk face to face.

If he refuses to talk and continues to sulk and give you the silent treatment, perhaps you should consider whether that's the kind of relationship you want.

Not surprised you find him unattractive if he's obese and sulks regularly.

XmasRibbons · 21/12/2019 09:53

I've seen a lot of threads about this recently but from a female perspective. And the responses have been incredibly different, saying LTB, "he's a mysoginist", "he can't love you to say such a thing" etc.

I think you were unreasonable to say it the way you did. Don't get me wrong if it is affecting your relationship and sex life then a discussion was necessary.

Scarlettpixie · 21/12/2019 09:56

I don’t think you were unreasonable as you made it about both of you. 7 stone in 5 years is an awful lot. I am overweight and if you don’t feel it yourself or aren’t made to feel desirable then you are less likely to want sex. It can be a combination of how you feel about yourself and how others do (or you think you do). Maybe you have some of these feelings and it would be helpful to explain its not just about his weight.

He probably hadn’t thought about his weight changing your attraction for him (or he has and didn’t want it to be true) but either way having it pointed out was upsetting. You have apologised and explained. Hopefully he will calm down and you can talk about what to do. If not, he is saying he won’t change and then you have to decide what to do. Even if you love him, he may not want to stay with you if you don’t find him sexually attractive. Counselling might help you talk things through.

Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas · 21/12/2019 09:59

I don't blame you, OP. The circumstances could have been better but it's something he needed to hear.

Scarlettpixie · 21/12/2019 10:00

He also threw lack of sex at you in the middle of an argument so its partly on him that you threw this back.

ohprettybaby · 21/12/2019 10:04

This is a difficult one but you have only told him the truth about why you don't want sex with him. It sounds as if you did it in an ok way by including yourself as having put on weight too.

I think you just need to tell him that you haven't stopped loving him and want the best for him both visually and health-wise and that is why you are both on diets and going to the gym. He is clearly hurt but he needs to address the issue and not sulk about it.

If he leaves you over that then it is his loss and will just mean he doesn't want to bother resolving the issue. Humans are very visual. It isn't the most important aspect but what we look like does matter to most of us.

ohprettybaby · 21/12/2019 10:08

I would truly appreciate my DH making me aware of how they feel about my weight as long as it was not done in an unkind manner. We need to be more honest with our partners about our feelings. I want to know the thoughts, the real man, and not a sanitised version.

MarthasGinYard · 21/12/2019 10:15

'. I told him (out of anger) that we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now.'

Op I actually don't think what you said was too awful at all. You spoke about both of you and it reads as though you don't see yourself as 'particularly attractive' either.

If my partner piled on 7 stone that would make them probably morbidly obese so if that's the case he needs to look at why his excersise etc isn't working maybe.

PhoneLock · 21/12/2019 10:35

I would truly appreciate my DH making me aware of how they feel about my weight as long as it was not done in an unkind manner

That's how it works in our household.

My husband told me a couple of months ago that he hated his middle age spread. I told him that I hated it too. It's much reduced now. No dramas, LTB's or hurt feelings.

Skittlesandbeer · 21/12/2019 10:39

That kind of massive weight gain doesn’t just affect ones ‘attractiveness’. I’d be put off by the limitations on what we could achieve in bed. It’d surely take a lot of fun stuff off the menu?

I’d be a bit sad (and prolly cross) that my partner so obviously prioritised athletic fun sex with me so low on his list. You can’t tell me his fitness and stamina wouldn’t be suffering at that weight? He’s having a go at you about not wanting sex as much, but he should be looking at the quality of sex he’s offering these days.

You’ve put a lot of effort and love into getting you both on a healthier track, you deserve a lot more credit for that than he’s giving you, in my book.

bridgetreilly · 21/12/2019 10:44

OP, this isn't just about what you said in the heat of the moment. It's about the way you are trying to control him and change him (which may well be done from a place of genuine love and concern, but is still harmful). You are controlling what he is allowed to eat and the amount he is allowed to have. You are trying to control his exercise regime. And now you appear to be controlling him by withholding sex.

I am not saying that you have been consciously doing those things, and of course you have good reasons to want his diet and exercise to change. But it is not your choice, it's his. He has to want to change, and if he does, he will value your help and support in that. Having it imposed on him will only make him resentful and frustrated, and when you combine it with the sex stuff, worthless and demeaned.

So, what do you want now? To rebuild your relationship? To show him that you do love him and respect him? Can you have that conversation in which you apologise, properly? You can explain your motives, but you need to recognise and say that you realise you have not been helping. Can you ask him what he wants and what he thinks would be most helpful for you to do in support of that? And can you accept that, even if what he most wants is to feel good about himself no matter what size he is?