Telling my DH I don't find him attractive due to weight gain - AIBU?

[PlatinumDog]

I told my DH I wasn’t sexually attracted to him right now because of his weight and now I’m afraid he’s going to leave me

my DH and I (he's 42, i'm 33) have been arguing the last couple days about something. We were texting about it. He brought up the fact that I don’t want to have sex lately. I told him (out of anger) that we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now. He went silent and wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the day.

This has been an ongoing issue for months. Since we met 5 years ago, he has put on almost 100 pounds. I’ve put on 40. I’m not okay with either of us. About 3 months ago we joined a gym together and he’s been using a personal trainer. It’s 30 minutes twice a week and he doesn’t want to go anytime outside of that. I’ve been trying to encourage him to go and we started the keto diet. I’ve been trying to help by giving him smaller portions at dinner and there has been no change.

This morning he left for work without saying goodbye or giving me a kiss. In 5 years he’s never done that. I texted him to apologize and he said things are different between us now. I flipped a switch in him. I told him I still loved him the same and that would never change, that I just didn’t want to have sex right now. He said it’s not about the sex.

This is something that I have been trying to remedy for months. And I’ve been thinking what I said the whole time. But I shouldn’t have said it out of anger and now I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to lose him. I still love him very much. But AIBU?

I had an ex who was overweight, I never saw the weight. I liked him, I have met other people to who are also overweight and again those I knew and like I don't notice their size I can see past it.
You can't base love on looks love has to run deeper than that or it just won't last.

If I gained that much weight, I'd rather DP told me how he felt rather than feel forced to have sex. I know you're trying to help him but he obviously doesn't want it. I don't think it means you love him any less, most people don't find obesity attractive and that's fine.

I'm by no means a body fascist but 7 stone!!!

That really is an enormous amount of weight for someone his age, it goes without saying diabetes, high blood pressure, heart attack especially in his 40's.

He is going to have a lifetime of misery and illness if he doesn't do something about that right now. I think you were right to say something.

I've been fat before, lost a lot after a gastric band and quite honestly you start to smell at that weight, get fungal infections in the folds etc. he needs to get over his pride, it needed to be said and he will ruin both your futures if he doesn't lose weight.

How about going to weight watchers together.

In fact I’m sure there was another thread this week from a woman whose husband had told her he didn’t find her attractive because of weight gain and almost all posters were rightly incensed on her behalf

Crying laughing at the reach on this one. On that thread the woman gained a stone and a half.,🤣

Being concerned about putting on 7 stone in 5 years is something valid, but I think you should have expressed it about concern for his health.

I'd say better to be honest. How is she going to explain her lack of interest in sex with him?

You really go for the jugular when you're angry don't you ?

I'm not at all surprised he's changed how he feels about you, as what you've basically said is 'I don't love you now that you're fat !' ( I'm sure that's not what you meant, but it's what he heard !)

Being angry is no reason to want to hurt your loved ones so badly that they can't bear to even kiss you goodbye anymore. I'd say you need to make peace by apologising profusely and explaining to him in a better way what you mean.

Good luck.

It's not just 7 stone though is it. His weight has been going up steadily. It will not stop here. How much at the end of next year, 9 stone, 10 stone. That's what happens.
This is why I had a gastric band.

My husband drinks too much, too often. Our sex life is affected because he drinks so much. He has tried to initiate sex while being barely able to stand. I have told him in no uncertain term it wasn't happening and it wasn't happening because of his drinking.

Should I have been kinder?

My husband has an alcohol addiction. It sounds like OP's husband has a food addiction.

Talking, coaxing, being "kind" tends not to hit the spot with addicts. Being "kind" can also be called enabling.

My husband now knows how I feel about his excessive drinking. The physical affect it has on him, the affect on his health, our relationship. It hasn't been enough to make him stop. He cuts down occasionally but soon reverts to type.

I have had to detach from him. Detach my feelings for him. I think I could still love him, but I know very often I don't like him and my attraction to him has definitely decreased as a direct affect of the changes physically and otherwise that can be attributed to his drinking.

OP, weight is a touchy subject. Specifically being over weight. People tend not to worry about commenting on people who are "too skinny" but "too fat" is completely out of bounds.

Your husband has an addiction. Until he comes to terms with that he will deny, deflect, blame, there will be excuse after excuse. Because the alternative is to admit that he has a problem he has no control over.

Would you look into overeaters anonymous? It might help for yourself, but it might also help you understand him.

You really go for the jugular when you're angry don't you ?

Wow. I'd understand if she said "listen up you fat bastard, I'd rather eat my own liver than shag you". But "we are both getting fatter and I don't feel like sex at the moment" is certainly not going for the jugular.

It's like top trumps on here. Apparantly a man should never feel entitled to sex. Unless he is fat, that is. Because fat trumps everything else it seems.

A lot of these responses are ridiculous, he threw it in her face during an argument that they don’t have sex and her response was because they have both gained weight and neither of them are attractive. She did not randomly call him an “ugly fat b*stard” to hurt him. I suspect weigh is a touchy subject for a lot of posters, but we’re not talking about half a stone here, we’re talking about 7! He probably looks like a completely different person, so it’s no wonder she’s not attracted to him.

It’s naive and selfish to think you can neglect yourself to this level and your partner will always be attracted to you. Is she supposed to force herself to have sex with a man she doesn’t fancy to protect his feelings? You can’t make yourself attracted to someone, love is a separate thing, if he wants more sex he needs to sop playing the victim and take responsibility for how his terrible lifestyle has impacted his relationship.

And now you appear to be controlling him by withholding sex

Oh stop it. Op isn’t with holding sex - she doesn’t physically want it. Are we know supposed force our selves to sleep with some one we don’t want to just because they are obese?

Are people actually reading the OP or just reading what they want?

Having it imposed on him will only make him resentful and frustrated, and when you combine it with the sex stuff, worthless and demeaned

This actually makes me feel sick to the stomach that you actually think this way. You’d rather some one was to have sex with some one they didn’t want to just so the recipient feels good about themselves.

How often do we tell our daughters never to have sex unless it’s truly something they want to do - yet throw in an obese man and they should just do it so the blokey doesn’t get upset or feel worthless. And this is 2019..

How you feel is how you feel I guess.

I'd still find my dh attractive if he put on weight because I'm attracted to him as a whole person rather than just the physical look of him...I'm attracted to his personality too.

As for the comment about how you've both gained weight and aren't looking great, hence why no sex...I find that really weird. You don't have to be beautiful and in shape constantly to deserve a physical relationship with your spouse. I mean really, if people only had sex if they were gorgeous and slim, the human race would die out pretty fast.

Can you imagine the responses the thread would have got if it was the other way round?
"DH said he isn't sexually attracted to me right now and I'm getting fatter by the day"
MN - "wanker, knob, LTB!"
First page alone shows double standards live and kicking on here as usual...

If he'd only put on a few pounds and you'd called him a fat bastard randomly in anger then yes, you'd be unreasonable.

But 100lbs is a massive amount of weight and is a serious, serious problem. I agree with another poster upthread that of course he will be aware of how large he is, but he has to address this as a priority; whether that's for himself, his children (if he has any), or the OP. The reasons don't matter - it needs fixing. Burying his head in the sand and doing nothing is not an option (well, not a healthy option).

It sounds to me like the OP has been nothing but supportive in encouraging them both to eat a healthy diet and exercise more, but it sounds like he's not engaging.

Lots of people on this thread have said how devastated and upset they'd be if they were the OP's husband.

Personally, I'd rather be called fat than lose my health, or lose my marriage, or end up in an early grave. That would be much more devastating than being called fat.

Me and DiL both became diabetic because of our weight. I had invasive surgery to get rid of my diabetes which I've achieved and I'll be spending the coming year helping DiL fight hers. One poster was right. It isn't controlling, food addiction is like alcoholism it's no joke.
Will people still be calling you controlling when your husband has lost his feet to diabetes? When he has sepsis from a cut.
I've seen it all, I've worked for the NHS for 35 years.

@WotchaTalkinBoutWillis but that isn't what the OP said is it? She said that they're both getting fatter by the day; she included herself in the criticism and wasn't singling her DH out.

And FWIW, I'd be saying the same thing if it were the other way around. I don't believe it's helpful to ignore harmful behaviours in your partner, whether that's addition, disordered eating, or an unhealthy lifestyle, just to avoid upsetting them. If my partner decided he wanted to smoke 20 a day, damn straight I'd say something. If he started drinking more and more, damn straight I'd say something. If he started putting on weight and showed no signs of stopping, damn straight I'd say something.

You don't have to be mean about it, but it helps absolutely no-one to ignore a problem when it's happening in front of your eyes. And it's much easier to lose 10lbs than 100.

It’s hard one OP.

When you said to him “Neither of us are particularly attractive at the moment” that is you saying that you do not find him attractive. Yes you included yourself in the statement but that was in relation to how you feel about yourself. He is obviously still attracted to you despite your weight gain so your generalised response was just a dressed up way of you telling him that you don’t fancy him anymore because of his weight gain and that’s all he would have heard.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with no longer feeling attracted to him because of his weight gain, but I can see why he is upset.

Maybe he had believed that his weight gain wouldn’t have affected your feelings towards him in the same way your weight gain hasn’t changed the way he feels about you.

It’s a really difficult situation.

All you can do is apologise for upsetting him.

Maybe tell him that you don’t feel attractive any more and that’s also a big part of why you don’t want sex, say you don’t feel comfortable with yourself, and that you don’t feel sexual and so you don’t want to engage in such a personal and intimate act. Perhaps if you make him see that part of the issue is because of the lack of confidence you have in yourself and your appearance, it may help him to realise that you aren’t just blaming the problem on his weight gain, but that it’s an issue with yourself that is making you not want to have sex too.

I think we all expect our partners to put on a bit of chub, go wrinkly, get grey hair and possibly go bald and it wouldn’t bother us (unless it’s someone who is very vain). But 100lbs is an entire person, I know for many it isn’t a popular view, but I do think partners have a duty to remain as healthy as possible, take pride in their appearance etc as a mark of respect to their partner.

100lbs is a lot, the thought of needing to lose such a significant amount of weight is probably quite scary. It probably seems almost impossible.

My ex put on a significant amount of weight, I used to try to discuss as it as I was worried about his health. He was finding our weekend walks hard work, after a lot of persuasion he went to the GP and he eventually went on to be diagnosed with type two diabetes and a fatty liver. He was only in his late thirties.

Sadly his diagnosis made him bury his head in the sand for quite a while, he ate very healthily at home but he would fill up on junk at work. I think he just thought he wouldn’t be able to lose the weight so he purposely sabotaged any good effort he put in.

As much as it must be frustrating OP, he needs to want to change, as the person witnessing what’s happening I know that is very frustrating.

I can see it from both sides. I gained about the same amount as your husband years ago and went from size 8 to size 20. The reason for this was simple: absolutely shitty diet and laziness. Now I wasn't blind and oversensitive: I could see the mirror, I looked gross. I became an obese mess, looked like a puffer fish with hamster cheeks, double chins, multiple spare-tires all over me and stretch-marked boobs. I looked much older than my years and delivery guys called me 'Mam' at 24. Pretty much nobody would find this attractive, I wasn't blind or trying to fool myself. I had no issues with people telling me I'm obese (and they did), because that was an obvious fact. I got fed up with it at the end, lost all the + weight and went back to my previous size.

I was dumped by my then partner for this very reason and I don't blame him. He started a relationship with an attractive slender woman and ended up with an obese Michelin man who refused to address any issues and continued to shovel crap instead. Nobody would like that, let's just be honest.

Also I've been at the opposite end, when my then boyfriend got fat (no health reasons) and expected me to swoon over him all the same (was athletic at the beginning). I wasn't prepared to live sexless life, so boy bye.

And now you appear to be controlling him by withholding sex

Yes- far better a pity shag! That does wonders for the self esteem!
Seriously, I am amazed at some of these answers. Trying to coerce the OP into having sex with someone she doesnt find attractive. Yeah, very feminist. NOONE should be forced to have sex with anyone they dont want to. 100 lbs is not the same as 10 lbs. 100 lb weight gain IS going to cause serious health issues down the line- increased risk of diabetes, stroke, cancer, circulation issues, skin fungal infections, joint pain/arthritis, heart attacks, etc. But no, far "kinder" to ignore all of those and just pretend everything is ok because denial protects us against health problems doesnt it? Geez.

Saying this from anger is just plain spiteful. You were lashing out. Yes, 100lbs is a huge weight gain, but this isn't the way to tackle it. Damn fucking right using something like this would make me reconsider a relationship. It's just as downright nasty as if he'd thrown your weight gain at you during an argument.

In my 20s, I'd have blamed myself, beaten myself up and stuck with a partner who did this. In my 40s, I'd think "fuck this shit, I've just seen another side to you, and it's very, very nasty. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.". I might or might not continue with the relationship, depending on how it was otherwise. If I stayed, I would never forget. It wou change forever how I viewed you.

To be honest, though, I have no time for, or patience with, spite.

The OP didn't tell him this because she was concerned about his health and wellbeing. She told him it because she was angry with him and wanted to hurt him. She pretty much says as much.

So all this "but what about his health" is irrelevant. She tried to hurt him, succeeded, and is now pissed off because he hasn't immediately forgiven her. Even though she hasn't said "gosh it was so unkind of me" even here (and hint, OP - it WAS) but has instead tried to justify herself.

The crux of the matter is she deliberately hurt him and doesn't really care.

I mean really, if people only had sex if they were gorgeous and slim, the human race would die out pretty fast.

Or we'd become a gorgeous slim race in a generation

Ooops, is that the time ...

She told him it because she was angry with him and wanted to hurt him yes- because he was pressuring her for sex and has put on 7 STONE and she no longer finds him attractive. What was she supposed to do? lie? pretend she's enjoying it when she feels absolutely nothing?