Telling my DH I don't find him attractive due to weight gain - AIBU?

[PlatinumDog]

I told my DH I wasn’t sexually attracted to him right now because of his weight and now I’m afraid he’s going to leave me

my DH and I (he's 42, i'm 33) have been arguing the last couple days about something. We were texting about it. He brought up the fact that I don’t want to have sex lately. I told him (out of anger) that we both were getting fatter by the day and neither us are very attractive right now. He went silent and wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the day.

This has been an ongoing issue for months. Since we met 5 years ago, he has put on almost 100 pounds. I’ve put on 40. I’m not okay with either of us. About 3 months ago we joined a gym together and he’s been using a personal trainer. It’s 30 minutes twice a week and he doesn’t want to go anytime outside of that. I’ve been trying to encourage him to go and we started the keto diet. I’ve been trying to help by giving him smaller portions at dinner and there has been no change.

This morning he left for work without saying goodbye or giving me a kiss. In 5 years he’s never done that. I texted him to apologize and he said things are different between us now. I flipped a switch in him. I told him I still loved him the same and that would never change, that I just didn’t want to have sex right now. He said it’s not about the sex.

This is something that I have been trying to remedy for months. And I’ve been thinking what I said the whole time. But I shouldn’t have said it out of anger and now I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t want to lose him. I still love him very much. But AIBU?

Maybe OPs DH is hurt because he still loves and fancies her even when she has changed physically but now knows that OP only fancies him when slim

Bit of a reach there, there is whole world between slim and likely morbidly obese. She may well have still fancied him at three stone heavier.

This fantasy some posters are desperately trying to push, that once you get married the physical attraction transcends the actual physical and it no longer matters what your body looks like.is simply.. that a fantasy. It's not reality for most people..

It's not remotely the same as ageing together or whatever. Seven stone is huge. He will bear little resemblance to what he used to look like and his behaviours will have changed with it, from confidence levels, to stamina, to even how he dresses, to his eating, even the sex will be different.

No one should feel entitled to sex. Everyone has the right to say no. For whatever reason. And if that reason is because you've become seriously obese, then it's on you, not the partner.

No one should feel entitled to sex. Everyone has the right to say no. For whatever reason

Absolutely.

But that doesn't mean that if you told your partner that their weight was a compete turn off mid argument you would expect them to simply go 'yeah you are right'. Her DH was hurt. Not a surprise really.

I had period when I put on loads of weight. Ok not that much but enough to look different from what I was. I was burying my head in the sand. Deep down I knew though. However when I tried a dress my dh pointed out this not i a hurtful way but realistic. Cue crying, being angry at him, resentful. Lots of talk back and forwards about love attraction and so on. The whole time he was truthful, telling me how much he loves me but I need to get my head out of my arse about it as I am too young for this. No excuse either I have no kids just crap eating. After dwelling on it for days and crying I got into action. It was the kick I needed. I am now over 2st lighter and we both are so proud of me. I look amazing and feel amazing I have confidence to have sex with lights on wear nice clothes I feel healthy. If we can not rely on the dearest and nearest to tell us the truth then who can we rely on? Same the other way round if i tell him i don t like something at him he will change and take great measures to make sure to change that thing like losing weight himself when he got a bit chubby although i still fancied him loads. He never took offence like i did though i guess we are more self conscious and sensitive. I don t think he is upset with you but with him as he knows deep down the truth but you just confirmed it and now it became a reality. You will not loose him because of that, he will be angry for a while like i was but hopefully he will get his arse into gear. You can say whatever you say attraction is very important 8n a relationship as love is. But so you love your best friend however the difference between friends and lovers is the sexual side which is intertwined with the attraction.

@M3lon could you be any more patronising?
All the time on MN we are told we can say no to sex at any time. Rightly so. Except when they have put on a fuck ton of weight. You have to provide a pity shag on a regular basis.
I'm not attracted to overweight people. I am careful with what I eat and enjoy keeping fit. When I gained weight I worked like a demon to lose it. It was very difficult but I did it. want the same in a partner. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who drank too much either.

@M3lon, the OP's husband has a good addiction, is abusing his body and, eating himself into an early grave. She says she still loves him very much, just that because they have both gotten fatter she is not up to sex at the moment.

How else should she have addressed it. People are saying she should have made suggestions on how they both address it from a health point of view. As if she hadn't done any of that already and went straight to screaming at him out of the blue "You're a disgusting fat bastard".

She did nothing of the sort. She tried to address it from a health point of view. He ignored her attempts. Because he is not ready to face his problem

Addicts tend to try every trick in the book to make their problems somebody else's.

My husband is abusing his body with too much alcohol. He is causing himself multiple health issues. Should I still have sex with him when he's pissed, or hungover, or stinking of drink. Just because I might hurt his feelings if I tell him I don't want to have sex with him when he's pissed?

If OP was married to an alcoholic people's replies to her would be very different. But because his addiction is food, and he has put on 7 stone, we should all feel sorry for him, and OP should still feel exactly the same as she did about him when they first got together?

He didn't put on 7 stone over night. Much like alcoholism this has been progressive. OP didn't see much problem at 2 or 3 stone extra. Or even 5 stone. But 7 stone has made her realise this is a problem that is progressing and showing no signs of turning back.

I didn't have a problem with my husband being in the pub one night a week, and having a few cans 2 or 3 nights at home. I didn't have a problem with 2 nights in the pub and cans 2 or 3 nights at home. Even 3 nights in the pub wasn't ringing too many alarm bells with me. By the time we got to 7 nights I realised I was I trouble, and I realised my feelings for my husband were changing.

The more it progressed, the more it somehow became my fault.

Sound familiar, OP?

Ultimately the husband is setting himself up for health problems and a miserable short old age if he doesn't get himself together and take responsibility for his own well-being, she is doing him a favour
I'm very health conscious person and I would not contemplate a long term relationship with someone who did not share my priorities.

But that doesn't mean that if you told your partner that their weight was a compete turn off mid argument you would expect them to simply go 'yeah you are right

Sure. No one would disagree with you if she actually said that. But she didn't did she? She didn't even say anything remotely like that. She said we are both getting fatter and I don't feel like sex.

Also, unless down to ill health or something unavoidable a weight gain like that would come with many other changes as well as physical attraction.

The person will be less active, less healthy, presumably less concerned about what they eat and the well-being in general. That’s not just a person who looks different, that is a total shift in mindset and values and shows a lack of concern for their own future health which could even be seen as selfish by someone who has committed to a “lifetime” with them.

If I was in a long term relationship with a non smoker and they started smoking I would view it the same and give them an ultimatum. I do t see why massive weight gain is viewed differently.

I'm sorry you haven't met anyone you would still find sexy if they gained weight....maybe you just haven't found the right person yet. that is the biggest load of patronising bullshit I have ever read on here.

In fact I would go the other way and say that if someone gained seven stone they should consider themselves lucky if their partner wasn’t affected by it.

Yes, personality is more important than looks, but actually I’d say it’s likely that such a vast change in appearance is also likely to alter your personality as well. And if you’re no longer attracted to someone for whatever reason, then that’s just how it is. If it’s a reason they could have some influence on, then it’s something they should think about.

Although I would say that sometimes those reasons might kill the attraction forever. E.g. the PP whose DH is an alcoholic, I imagine that there have been so many things about his addiction which have killed her attraction to him that chances are that if he did suddenly seek help it would take time and perhaps never even be possible to rebuild that original relationship.

I'm not sure why you worried that he's going to leave you, he must be aware that being several stones overweight doesn't make him a very good catch so if he wants to be in a relationship his best bet is to try and make things work with you. However if you continue to believe that he has all the power in this relationship then he will be able to manipulate you.

E.g. the PP whose DH is an alcoholic, I imagine that there have been so many things about his addiction which have killed her attraction to him

Nail on the head.

OP's issue is not simply with her husband's weight.

It's with his attitude.
Him blaming her.
His problems and the solutions being her responsibility.
His inaction.
His denial.
His dismissive attitude.
Him constantly going against plans.
Him overeating on junk when a perfectly good meal has been prepared.

And yes, the OP can be accused of being controlling by trying to change him. And yes, he will throw it at her that she is controlling and nasty. And he will play the victim very well. And he will point out all the things he does for her. And he will point out how he still loves her (even though she hasn't said she doesn't love him). And he will point out how he's still attracted to her.

And all this is designed to make her feel grateful. And make her feel at fault for pointing out his addiction. It is said to make her back off.

OP, you need to "detach with love". What you have been doing hasn't worked. You are contributing to his addiction. You need to step back. You need to stop trying to convince him.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

It has to come from him. And he's not ready yet.

He didn't put on 7 stone over night. Much like alcoholism this has been progressive. OP didn't see much problem at 2 or 3 stone extra. Or even 5 stone. But 7 stone has made her realise this is a problem that is progressing and showing no signs of turning back

Excellent point Villains. The OP has ALREADY accepted her husband putting on up to 7 stone. She's accepted him being 4 stone overweight and 5 stone overweight, and 6 stone and now its crept up to 7 she's finally said enough is enough. Fair play to her, I would have snapped at around 4-5 stone if it were me.
How much more is she meant to turn a blind eye to? 8 stone? 9 stone? what if he creeps up to 40 stone and is unable to leave the house? She should just pretend not to notice because his feelings might be hurt? Just brush everything under the carpet and pretend its not happening?! Thats an incredibly unhealthy attitude to have (but admittedly, very British).

I think we all agree here that personality is the most important thing when deciding a partner. But that doesn't mean sexual attraction isn't important. There is a saying that when your sex life is good, it only represents 20% of a relationship's value, but when its bad or there are problems, it represents 80% and I think thats very, very true.

Sex isn't just sex, its how you achieve intimacy with someone, its emotional bonding, its feeling comfortable and safe and trusting someone with your innermost desires and fantasies. It releases physiological chemicals like Oxytocin in the brain which further causes emotional bonds to take place. So it's important.

If sex didnt involve an element of visual attraction and it was all based purely on our personalities then noone would have sexual preferences for a specific gender would they? You could just have sex with anyone whose personality you clicked with, and it wouldn't matter if they were male or female. But it does. Which proves that sex is more than just cerebral- its physical too and the way we look IS important, even if people dont like to admit it. Its not shallow to want to fancy your partner for goodness sake, desire is important. Its not the be all and end all, but it is still important.

Can't understand the opinion that the OP is being controlling - he asked her a question and she told him the truth!

Both DH and I have put on weight since we met 20+ years ago, he's gained about 30 pounds, I've gained 12. It's a combination of slowing metabolisms, medication in my case and enjoying treat (plus laziness). I'd like us both to lose a bit and have shared this with DH - that's not controlling behaviour, it's my opinion.

If weight gain affected our sex life and he asked me, I'd tell him the truth. It hasn't affected it much though .

Poor man :(