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Original poster

Neighbors carer just had a go at me!

213 replies

Whowantsthiscoffee · 20/12/2019 20:24

So just got confronted by my neighbors carer telling me it wouldn't hurt me to check on my neighbor and offer a hand. Background, neighbor fell down the stairs last week and wasn't found for 28 hours, she's about 60 and has three grown up unmarried child free kids herself. I have four kids, three are under four and don't have much spare time. My DH works away every three weeks in Europe for a week and I don't live near any family. Yes it's sad my neighbor has health issues but her three grown up children should maybe visit her more often. I just feel annoyed because I feel that as the carer sees me at home etc she obviously assumes I do fuck all. I do ring neighbors door every so often but normally no reply..... I'm just I dunno annoyed I guess

OP posts:
koshkat · 27/12/2019 10:40

This couldn’t be me because I would have put that bitch in her place and told her where to shove it!

FFS. Hmm

Aridane · 28/12/2019 03:21

Nice Crown Hmm

Dita73 · 28/12/2019 03:36

Bloody cheek! Definitely report her. If your neighbour had been dead at the bottom of the stairs for month It’s not your problem! If she’s so bloody concerned she can go and check on her in her own time but it’s certainly not down to you to do it. She’s really out of order and completely inappropriate. If she confronts you again tell her to bugger off. I’m fuming for you

bettybattenburg · 28/12/2019 03:44

I do think we can do things to help our neighbours but to supplement their care and not provide it, for example we get heavy snow here so if I am going to the shop I will ask my elderly neighbour if she needs anything but only if I am going anyway. Often her daughter or nephew have already been but occasionally she's run out of milk or something.

RunningAroundAgain · 28/12/2019 03:49

She should mind her own business. That responsibility should fall on her own kids. My 95 year old granny lives alone (by choice), and so a different family member calls into her every single day, and she has a carer in once a day too. I don't think she'd expect random neighbours to take on that responsibility

LunaMay · 28/12/2019 07:40

It's not up to you to check in on her, and out of line for a carer to berate you for not doing so. Did the neighbor even want a stranger calling in on her? How strange.

I was nice to my 'older' neighbor once, turned into him stalking me and constantly knocking on my windows and doors. Resulted in the police being called one night and me staying with parents for two weeks cause he had freaked me out so much.

So, yeah i dont talk to neighbor's anymore.

RedHelenB · 28/12/2019 07:49

Wouldn't hurt to be neighbourly. Do what you can, You might be that woman one day so I don't think the carer was out of order really.

MindyStClaire · 28/12/2019 09:17

The carer was hugely unreasonable, for all of the reasons given in the thread.

When my grandparents were elderly, their three children had both next door neighbours' phone numbers and vice versa. So, if the neighbours noticed anything unusual they could ring the family, and if the family weren't getting an answer on the phone they could ask the neighbours to try knocking on the door (family all at least half an hour away).

That's not too much to ask, and just being neighbourly.

Asking OP to check on the woman four doors down every 12 hours or so (to avoid another 28 hour situation) is completely over the top, especially when said neighbour has family.

strawberry2017 · 28/12/2019 09:29

I feel like you got the anger that should have been aimed at the adult children who should be the ones doing more. Not you,
I only have one 2 year old but taking her to check on someone on a regular basis would be really hard work, let alone taking 4 kids!
X

SunshineDays2019 · 28/12/2019 09:37

I bet the bloody carer wouldn't have had a go at a male neighbour Hmm

Kit19 · 28/12/2019 09:43

I’m finding this thread really interesting. I work in research around ageing. We all know there are more older ppl because we are living longer and we also all know there’s no money etc so social care is really stretched. relying on family is difficult because more & more older ppl live nowhere near their family or have no children in the first place plus families are smaller than they used to be so there aren’t lots of nephews/nieces/cousins etc to step in

Every single meeting I go to discussing this issue revolves around “the community” stepping in to pick up the slack. I keep asking how that will work in practice and more to the point, if anyone has done any research looking at how feasible this is and if anyone has actually talked to the general public about whther they are willing/able to do this - there’s always tumbleweed

I don’t know the answer but if the meetings I’m in are anything to go by, asking neighbours/local ppl to get involved is going to become more common

PepePig · 28/12/2019 09:57

@Kit19

That's depressing. I probably sound like a grumpy hag but that's the last thing I'd want to be doing. I can't see many people actually wanting to help. I have a child and I'm pregnant with #2. I simply don't want the responsibility of a third "person" to look after. My free time is my downtime.

A lot of neighbours can be hard work, too. I'd hate feeling like I had to look after someone who had spent the last 15y making my life hell over petty complaints and such.

koshkat · 28/12/2019 10:00

Bloody cheek! Definitely report her. If your neighbour had been dead at the bottom of the stairs for month It’s not your problem!

Such compassion.

Cacklingmags · 28/12/2019 10:08

Judgy carer gets paid for her work and has no right expressing any views regarding her Client. I have an elderly neighbour who is a world class cunt - Because she lives near me am I supposed to knock on her cuntish door every day? And all the other, much nicer old people who live near me. Should I knock on all their doors? Daily? Weekly?

Willow2017 · 28/12/2019 10:09

so I don't think the carer was out of order really.

Actually telling strangers to visit her clients is well out of order. She has no right to do this without her clients permission. The carer doesn't know op from Adam. Huge safeguarding fail and she should know better.
And it also puts op in a vulnerable position as she has no back up if the neighbour accuses her of something.

FizzyIce · 28/12/2019 10:10

Haven’t rtft but I’d have said “so where were you ,if you’re her carer. Isn’t that your job ?”
Shitty but then so was she

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 10:15

so I don't think the carer was out of order really

If you read the whole thread, many people who WORK IN CARE and manage carers have stated categorically they would be livid if their staff did this and what she did was not only a breach of confidentiality and safeguarding, it is highly unprofessional and inappropriate behaviour.

The client did not give her permission to go around telling neighbours about her health issues, her vulnerability, or asking her to come to her house. Its a gross betrayal of trust.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 28/12/2019 10:34

Report her to whoever she works for.
Thats not on.

Lizzie0869 · 28/12/2019 11:37

This could happen to anyone who lives alone basically. My DM and my MIL are 80 and 79 and they both live alone, through choice. My MIL in particular is isolated and has mobility issues, having had hip and knee replacements. We've all said to her that she should move nearer either us or BIL and his family but she's always refused.

My DM is more independent (she travels to Africa for work for her Christian charity) but she also could easily have a fall, which has happened in the past and it could be a while before she was found. DSis and I do check on her fairly regularly, though.

We wouldn't blame the neighbours, though. Unless they've agreed to check up on someone, they won't notice if they haven't seen them for a couple of days.

hazell42 · 28/12/2019 11:49

Actually I think she is right.
You dont have to.
Of course
But you could
Would take 30 second our of your day.
Give neighbour your number for emergencies and text once a day. You ok?
Even the busiest people could manage that.

Skyejuly · 28/12/2019 11:52

Actually I think she is right.
You dont have to.
Of course
But you could
Would take 30 second our of your day.
Give neighbour your number for emergencies and text once a day. You ok?
Even the busiest people could manage that.

^ I agree

busybarbara · 28/12/2019 11:53

Your neighbours safety isn't your responsibility.

Welcome to 21st century Tory England folks.

tttigress · 28/12/2019 11:59

It's a tricky situation, obviously it is nice to be neighbourly and you should help out in an absolute emergency.

But if you start going down the route of continually checking on her and doing different things, after a while (actually probably not very long at all) it will be assumed that you have some responsibility.

Tessabelle74 · 28/12/2019 12:02

As a carer myself, I'd suggest contacting the company she works for and making a formal complaint. This is so inappropriate! The carer is there to provide a service, not to interfere in anything other than what she us being PAID to do. If she feels so strongly the client needs more care, this should be reported to the appropriate channels, most definitely NOT by having conversations with random strangers, it's a disgusting breach of confidentiality if nothing else. You have absolutely ZERO responsibility in this situation, none at all.

Tessabelle74 · 28/12/2019 12:03

@busybarbara
Welcome to 21st century Tory England folks.

With respect, eff off you troll! Why should a stranger care for a poorly neighbour she doesn't even know? How about she gives you the address and you can pop round?

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