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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbors carer just had a go at me!

213 replies

Whowantsthiscoffee · 20/12/2019 20:24

So just got confronted by my neighbors carer telling me it wouldn't hurt me to check on my neighbor and offer a hand. Background, neighbor fell down the stairs last week and wasn't found for 28 hours, she's about 60 and has three grown up unmarried child free kids herself. I have four kids, three are under four and don't have much spare time. My DH works away every three weeks in Europe for a week and I don't live near any family. Yes it's sad my neighbor has health issues but her three grown up children should maybe visit her more often. I just feel annoyed because I feel that as the carer sees me at home etc she obviously assumes I do fuck all. I do ring neighbors door every so often but normally no reply..... I'm just I dunno annoyed I guess

OP posts:
Tigger001 · 20/12/2019 23:11

I check in on my neighbours who have health problems, I run them to the shop, take him to hospital when his wife's taken in, and have a quick drink with them once or twice a week if I can.

I am always dashing everywhere, but it's nice just to check in.

It's nice to be nice but don't make yourself feel guilty. The carer has no place trying to guilt trip you, you know she is ill, if you wanted to check in you would have.

Graphista · 20/12/2019 23:14

Skidzer - and the behaviour you’re experiencing is probably her on “best behaviour” so I dread to think what her behaviour with close family was/is

“You are forgetting that on MN anyone over 60 who is unpleasant of violent must have dementia and is excused.” Ugh yes I know! Or autistic or mentally ill - which is fucking offensive to those who do have asd or like myself mental illness!

Just as at any other age there are nice people and utterly nasty pieces of work!

Where do these mners think wife batterers and similar end up in their old age?! Because they haven’t exactly endeared themselves to their families to care for them in their old age! They have to go somewhere.

The attribution of bad behaviour to dementia amuses me because in my grans case it mellowed her out! She became far more approachable and open and affectionate, whereas previously she was lovely but quite a stern, abrupt type who could be quite critical.

Guy I described "stupid woman" would've been the least of it! His language was dreadful and our non-white staff members hated working with him. He was a horrible horrible man.

Stinkycatbreath · 20/12/2019 23:19

Her own children child free or not are not responsible for their mother's safety . Nobody should be having a go at anyone. The poor woman was alone for twenty eight hours which means that her children would need to see her every day. I dont see my parents of the same age every day.

Willow2017 · 20/12/2019 23:22

That was him on a good day Graphista 😀 there was much worse believe me.

Gingerkittykat · 20/12/2019 23:22

Did you even have a friendship with your neighbour before this incident?

Would the woman even want a relative stranger popping in on her?

selmabear · 20/12/2019 23:23

YANBU OP. One of my neighbours has carers and one of her carers lost her marbles with me on halloween night. Neighbour always has had a very clear sign on her window that says not to knock on Halloween and pretty much everyone leaves her alone. Took my kids out at the beginning of the night and was walking past neighbours house and her carer started screaming at us not to knock 😯 we gave zero indication we were about too either. Scared the shit out of my kids.

wellthatwasthat · 20/12/2019 23:24

Oh the irony. People are suggesting that we should all pop round and 'call' on random senior neighbours every so often, just to see how they are.

Have they never seen any of the hundreds of threads on MN about how much people hate it when someone calls round unexpectedly, or how much they loathe people knocking on their door, and they refuse to answer?

beautifulstranger101 · 20/12/2019 23:24

Wait a minute!!! Your FOUR houses away!! So not even your immediate neighbour??? Why the heck has it become YOUR responsibility??? What's happened to the neighbours inbetween...

Yup- and the worrying thing is- maybe she DID try the other neighbours first but they told her to sling her hook. Just how many neighbours has this carer told about her vulnerable client and disclosed all of her health issues to? It makes sense she would try the immediate neighbours first so just how many people has she told? This is why it should be reported. She is playing her client at risk.

beautifulstranger101 · 20/12/2019 23:25

placing

SunshineAngel · 20/12/2019 23:36

A 60yo shouldn't need neighbours popping in to make sure they're okay. YANBU. Even if they do, it's NOT your job. Perhaps if you were on good terms and close to them then yeah, you'd want to, but given they have grown up children and carers, and you have more than enough on your plate, you definitely don't need to take this on as well!

PixieDustt · 20/12/2019 23:42

The carer seems like a bully and I'd suggest she took it up with the children who should be visiting her.
Sounds like she is trying to make you feel guilty for what has happened when it had eff all to do with you.
Also, IF she is supposed to have carers I'd try and find out when they're supposed to be in. I mean igor were daily and she was there for 28 hours that's their own failings.
Plus if she has had a fall they should now set her up with one of those alarms and stop trying to pass the buck!
I'd also tell her to fuck right off

PixieDustt · 20/12/2019 23:42

Igor was meant to say *if they. Bloody love autocorrect Envy

Willow2017 · 20/12/2019 23:47

Wellthatwasthat
😂😂😂
Gotta love MN for changing the goalposts when it suits them to criticize an OP for something thats nothing to do.with them in the first place.

IdiotInDisguise · 21/12/2019 00:01

I really don’t know how you could help. My elderly neighbour often forgets to get his rubbish bin back. After a couple of days I start worrying if he is ok. I have gone to knock on his door and there’s never a response, he shows alive with his girlfriend a few days later. But even if he was unwell, how do I know? It is not as if I can get in to check, if they don’t open the door, there’s nothing you can do.

VenusTiger · 21/12/2019 00:04

She had no right to speak to you the way she did, and she had no right interfering in your life.
But.... I really hope you told her what you told us in your OP @Whowantsthiscoffee - before you make a complaint, tell the carer what you’ve told us. Then tell her to mind her own bloody business, call the client’s kids and get on with the job she’s paid to do.

ShristmasChopper · 21/12/2019 00:12

Someone aged 60nis not old. 68 is the retirement age in this country so in my mind someone mid 60 is of no concern or what is consider elderly at all.
Obviouskybthe fact she has carers must mean she has some issues that require extra help but again, with a neighbour i hardly know a few doors down wouldn't be something I'd be actively aware of enough to know or notice if they were up and about.
I might be more neighboirly in bad weather such as snow and knock to see if they needed any shopping etc but apart from that is probably feel I was interfering with someone not elderly.

TheSerenDipitY · 21/12/2019 02:00

i wonder if the neighbour gave her permission to discuss her medical issues with you, you would think privacy rules would be in place and she wouldnt be allowed to tell you anything about her

burgerrings · 21/12/2019 02:29

Please do tell her to fuck off, get some proper alarms in place and tell her kids to look after their own mum.

Aridane · 21/12/2019 03:27

I'd have told her to mind her own fucking business.

You need to report her to the agency she works for.

You don't need to start 'offering a hand' or 'popping in' or checking she has a fucking SOS buton, you have enough on your plate.

@FruitcakeOfHate's name is apt Wink

Aridane · 21/12/2019 03:30

A sullen shop assistant is rude - oh no, don't complain, she may have been having a bad day, do you want to get her fired, haven't you anything better to do?

Carer making rude comment probably from a place of concern - complain, complain, complain

beautifulstranger101 · 21/12/2019 07:28

If a shop assistant was telling people about my private, personal health problems without permission from me, and encouraging random strangers to get involved in my life without permission from me then yes, I would absolutely complain and have them sacked.

If you actually bothered to read the thread properly- the concerns that were brought up weren't just about the carer being "rude". They were placing the client at RISK. A vulnerable person placed at risk, sharing medical info without their permission (which is a serious breach of confidentiality).

christma5 · 21/12/2019 07:30

I wouldn't check in on anyone unless say for example the elderly neighbour was always outside at x time and I hadn't seen them for a day or two. Surely the point of carers is to reduce the need for a relative or neighbour etc to call in on them themselves.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2019 07:33

Surprised at some of these responses. Clearly this isn't about her age, this is about the fact she's alone and in some way invalided if she needs a carer to the extent she does.

Don't complain about the carer, these people do s valuable job for little money. No it's not your responsibility and you don't need to get involved, that's your call, but don't make it worse.

I hope the lady is ok, it must have been terrifying for her to have a fall and to lay there for over a day unable to get help.

Willow2017 · 21/12/2019 08:03

Carer making rude comment probably from a place of concern - complain, complain, complain

Rtft carer has no right to make rude comments to anyone especially someone who has no relationship with her client, never mind ask random people to call in on her client for the multitude of reasons stated above. Her job is to flag up concerns to her employers not discuss her clients with anyone she meets on the street. Serious safeguarding issues there, if she doesn't understand that she is in the wrong job.

Pfefferkuchen · 21/12/2019 08:10

Don't complain about the carer, these people do s valuable job for little money.
it doesn't give them the right to be rude to neighbours!