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Original poster

Neighbors carer just had a go at me!

213 replies

Whowantsthiscoffee · 20/12/2019 20:24

So just got confronted by my neighbors carer telling me it wouldn't hurt me to check on my neighbor and offer a hand. Background, neighbor fell down the stairs last week and wasn't found for 28 hours, she's about 60 and has three grown up unmarried child free kids herself. I have four kids, three are under four and don't have much spare time. My DH works away every three weeks in Europe for a week and I don't live near any family. Yes it's sad my neighbor has health issues but her three grown up children should maybe visit her more often. I just feel annoyed because I feel that as the carer sees me at home etc she obviously assumes I do fuck all. I do ring neighbors door every so often but normally no reply..... I'm just I dunno annoyed I guess

OP posts:
Ash39 · 20/12/2019 20:43

I think you need to contact the agency. You need to explain clearly, without justifying your own circumstances, what the carer said to you. End of discussion
I think the carer might be feeling guilty because the accident was missed...

AutumnRose1 · 20/12/2019 20:45

That’s bonkers.

Maybe she was having a shit day and wrongly taking it out on you.

LIZS · 20/12/2019 20:47

How often is a carer supposed to be there? If every day someone messed up for her to not be found for 28 hours. Maybe she should have an alert button to call for help. None of this your responsibility though.

Havaina · 20/12/2019 20:49

28hrs isn't that long to go without seeing someone

Was she was lying at the bottom of the stairs for 28 hours? That is sad and the reason why I call my 68yo mum every day.

Interestedwoman · 20/12/2019 20:49

YANBU, the carer could've asked you if you could possibly do this, but shouldn't have phrased it as a criticism.

puds11 · 20/12/2019 20:49

Should the cater have not checked on her in that time?

puds11 · 20/12/2019 20:50

Carer

EL8888 · 20/12/2019 20:50

@Havaina all this!

She sounds rude and judgemental, l would be tempted to make a complaint about her. What has it got to do with her?! How does she know what is going on in your life? You may need care and support or may have friends / family members you support

Laterthanyouthink · 20/12/2019 20:50

Wow you are all harsh! Would it really be so hard to pop in and say hi every now and again?

billy1966 · 20/12/2019 20:51

Extremely rude.
How you live your life and what responsibilities you have are none of her business.

How dare she think she has the right to tell you, a complete stranger how you should be living your life.

Definitely make a complaint.
Ask them is it company policy to harangue neighbours of clients.

Tell them you are going to make a complaint about their employee's conduct to the local authority.
See what they say about that.

puds11 · 20/12/2019 20:52

@Laterthanyouthink but what is ‘every now and again’ that could be once a week which wouldn’t have solved the problem. It would have to be every day in order to ensure it doesn’t happen again. Would the neighbour even want that!

nobodyimportant · 20/12/2019 20:53

She wasn't right to have a go but I think it's coming from a place of caring about what happens to the neighbour so I wouldn't judge her too harshly.

My Gran had an arrangement with her neighbour that if her kitchen curtains (that they could see from their house) weren't open by a certain time, they would check on her. That way it was less intrusive on her and less demanding on them, than actually having to go and knock on her door. Maybe you could come up with something like that? I can totally understand not wanting to get into visiting her every day.

Pfefferkuchen · 20/12/2019 20:53

Tell her to fuck of

yeah, that.

AutumnRose1 · 20/12/2019 20:53

“ Was she was lying at the bottom of the stairs for 28 hours? That is sad and the reason why I call my 68yo mum every day.”

60 though...if I had called my folks when they were 60 and got no answer, I’d think they were out with friends. I might easily be at work next day and not call again. I’ll be living alone at 60.

I would find it very weird if a neighbour who didn’t know me tried to check on me.

TARSCOUT · 20/12/2019 20:53

I would.complain about her, none of her business!

MrsCasares · 20/12/2019 20:53

OP is on her own for most of the time with 4 kids. I’m sure she can give you her neighbours address later, and you can pop in.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 20/12/2019 20:56

is she your neighbour, or your next door neighbour?

MrsH99 · 20/12/2019 20:57

I agree with most of the other posters - make a complaint! That is totally out of order. This actually kinda makes me rage - who the hell does the carer think they are putting that responsibility on you. Regardless of what you have going on in your own life, even if you had all the time in the world, it's not your responsibility! Some people might want to check on their elderly/unwell/whatever neighbours but that's not something everyone would want to do - I prefer to live my life keeping myself to myself, I don't want to become best friends and definitely not possibly a de facto carer for a neighbour.

2020BetterBeBetter · 20/12/2019 20:58

Are you in the UK?

One of my neighbours has carers and they must come about five times a day. I appreciate that not everyone will need the same level of care but I would have thought someone would have been expected at least every 24 hours so your poor neighbour shouldn’t have been left for 28 hours at the bottom of the stairs.

I agree about complaining to the carer’s agency. At the very least it sounds like your neighbour needs more support in her home. There are things she can get (sensor mats and alarms) that might be worth her considering and hopefully your complaint will trigger her children into doing what they can to look out for your mum.

Whilst I have every sympathy with your neighbour and wonder whether the carer lashed out at you because she was worried or knew something had gone wrong for her to have been left so long, none of this is your responsibility and the carer was BU.

Ash39 · 20/12/2019 21:00

Regardless of whether you can or want to "check in on her every now and again", it is NOT your responsibility so don't feel guilty

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 20/12/2019 21:01

Can you check if you neighbour has one of those SOS call buttons ( and actually wears it - they are no use in the fruit bowl on the table if you fall in the toilet . Yes I have experienced this with patients and my own Mum)

If not then the Carer can arrange for this to be put in her Care plan.

Drum2018 · 20/12/2019 21:03

I would also complain but I wound not go into detail about my circumstances. Just make a point that this woman has grown up children and to your mind is a young woman, not someone in their 80's with no family. You could be sitting on your arse all day with nothing to do. It still wouldn't make you responsible for randomly checking on your neighbour who has her own family. Tell the agency you did not appreciated being accosted by their staff.

FruitcakeOfHate · 20/12/2019 21:05

I'd have told her to mind her own fucking business.

You need to report her to the agency she works for.

You don't need to start 'offering a hand' or 'popping in' or checking she has a fucking SOS buton, you have enough on your plate.

emilybrontescorsett · 20/12/2019 21:08

How rude.
It would no cross my mind to be checking up on neighbours if I hadn't seen them for a day.
Definately complain. Perhaps the carer was t doing their job properly and feels guilty.

VivaLeBeaver · 20/12/2019 21:10

They need to sort out one of those round the neck alarms for her to prevent this happening again. Not Be berating the neighbours.