Neighbors carer just had a go at me!

[Whowantsthiscoffee]

So just got confronted by my neighbors carer telling me it wouldn't hurt me to check on my neighbor and offer a hand. Background, neighbor fell down the stairs last week and wasn't found for 28 hours, she's about 60 and has three grown up unmarried child free kids herself. I have four kids, three are under four and don't have much spare time. My DH works away every three weeks in Europe for a week and I don't live near any family. Yes it's sad my neighbor has health issues but her three grown up children should maybe visit her more often. I just feel annoyed because I feel that as the carer sees me at home etc she obviously assumes I do fuck all. I do ring neighbors door every so often but normally no reply..... I'm just I dunno annoyed I guess

it wouldn't hurt the kids to take turns calling her morning and night, then she wouldn't be left so long. sounds like she needs one of those cords that calls someone in case it happens again.

either way not your responsibility.

You should complain. The carer had no business talking to you like that. I suppose she picked you as you are 'in' a lot. How much she is paid is completely irrelevant.

Life is complicated. I have several elderly neighbours. I might notice if the milk hadn't been taken in or the curtains not drawn but I don't have the relationship to just go knocking on their doors. I did notice once that a neighbour had left his front door open but it's not as simple as "checking on him" he doesn't really know me, I might scare him just going in, he might be confused...I did get his next door neighbour to check on him. Turns out he left it open for his carer to come, not great and the carer had a chat when she turned up.

My point is that most of us would deal with things like this ad hoc but taking responsibility is different. I work, I have responsibilities of my own I can't be regular.

I mean what are you supposed to do, take all 4 children in with you or just leave them at home?

YDNBU!! It's not your responsibility to look after your neighbour on top of everything else.

Very common eg for elderly and cognitively impaired people to end up with accidental med overdoses because too many people are “helping” and records not being kept and next thing they’ve got a paracetamol od!

This most definitely. My DB has had serious MH issues for many years and needs a lot of support. He doesn't remember things and would be unable to answer questions about whether he's had his medication, he gets ever so muddled.

In fact, this happened once with tragic consequences. We went to Africa as a family long ago and I was asked to take responsibility for him taking his anti malaria prophylactic medication. (It was Lariam and his doctor should never have prescribed it as it can cause damage to someone with MH issues.).

Then another family member asked my DB whether he'd taken his weekly dose and he couldn't remember and took a second dose. It led to a full-blown psychotic episode and he's never recovered from the damage.

Ironically, as I recall, he was never even bitten by a mosquito during our week long holiday.

We sure as hell wouldn't have a go at my DB's neighbours for not checking that he's okay. And he's also very emotionally needy, so to expect his neighbours to watch out for him would be massively unfair.

The carer was completely in the wrong and I agree with the PPs who have suggested that she was probably attempting to cover her own failure to check on this lady.

And yes, as others have highlighted, involving random strangers would be potentially risky, as my DB is also hopelessly gullible.

It's not your responsibility and the carer shouldn't have been rude but if I were you I'd definitely start checking on her given her past history. Not to help[ with medication but just to check she hasn't fallen. We should be more kind and caring to our neighbours.

Where you standing on your front perhaps looking at the carer, when this was said. ‘I’ve only clocked this carer a few times’
There’s seems to be an assumption that the carer has been knocking on the neighbours doors, when you haven’t been clear.
Also, where have you found out about her health issues and background. From your op the carer has only said ‘ wouldn’t hurt to check and lend a hand’ it’s not clear where the additional info is coming from. Gossip?
Need more info on this ‘confrontation’. Has she’s knocked on your door and disclosed a lot of personal info and reprimanded you. Or have you been gawping in the street and carer has suggested you could lend a hand. Big difference, but not clear from anything you have written.

If neighbour never answers the door how will op know if she has fallen or just gone out? Or just doesn't want random bothering Her?

Just because they're old doesn't mean they're innocent!

^Haha, this! My abusive F was riddled with Parkinson's Disease during his later years and had several strokes. My DM made so many excuses for his behaviour, blaming things on his medication and his actual condition.

The truth was that he was controlling and manipulative when I was a child and he was equally controlling as an infirm old man. I got to read some of his letters dating from the last couple of years of his life. They were full of emotional abuse and guilt tripping.

He also regularly accused her of being unfaithful to him. (Oh the irony. Apparently, women weren't allowed to cheat but he was allowed to sexually abuse his daughters.)

You can check for activity in other ways . Curtains not open, tv off, no apparent movement from the house.
I’m not getting that the carer is suggesting the op goes round and cooks meals and offers her medication, she’s asking her to be community spirited. Like the milkmen, postmen of the past would have been. That way the neighbour wouldn’t have been lying injured for 28 hrs.

Gonetoget

It doesn't matter where op was the carer has no right to invite people to check on her client at all.

Her client is entitled to privacy and not have her carer bullying random neighbours to look after her.
"Lend a hand" doing what exactly? Why is this woman's life up for discussion outside her home?

There are many avenues to access extra help at home the Red Cross are great for organising access to emergency alarms, handrails and organising lifts to various social events to name a few. But the neighbour has to agree to this nobody can force it on her.

Totally against safeguarding rules for carers to say what she did. It's up to the woman herself or the woman's family to get more care if required. But maybe the neighbour doesn't want more care input never mind neighbours banging on her door regularly.

Wow loads of comments! To answer your questions... I'm in and out all the time and often come and go when carers turn up... Last night I was unpacking my shopping from my car when we had the altercation. Everyone on our street knows about neighbors health issues, I won't go into them but there's a long list. She sees another one of my neighbors whos retired and that neighbor does tell everyone about her issues so I guess it's gossip but not in a mean way. Of course it's not nice or easy and I feel really bad for her but I dunno I have my own shit to deal with

Unless the neighbour has asked you to take her phone number and just give her an occasional text, then it isn't upto the carer to make an assumption.

I'm in my 50's, my Sister is 64. We both have some health issues, but certainly don't want to involve the neighbours in our lives. We also don't want to be classed as people who need community care.

A neighbour of my Mum, used to upset her by interfering whenever she saw my Mum doing her garden. My Mum was in her late 70's and fiercely independent. She made my Mum feel like an invalid. When the neighbour started to pull me up, I had to tell her straight. My Mum was still working as a Lollypop lady until she was 80.

The Carer is out of order.

whowntsthiscoffee, really, don't beat yourself up. It is not down to you to check on your neighbour. Imagine it, she's jst having a doze on her most comfortable armchair watching her favourite daytime show on tv, doorbell rings, she heaves herself up, gets to the door, there's you "just wanted to check you're OK" you say merrily. She could be soo pissed off she could even berate you or insult you. You don't need that and nor does she. If you were friends with her, it would be different.

I am coming from a position that I believe the State has been shirking its responsibilities for years and relying on unpaid help in the community rather than facing the full facts of what is needed to care for its population properly, whilst encouraging and engendering lack of community. The State relies entirely upon unpaid carers, don't become another one for someone with whom your only connection is so tenuous.

YANBU. I live next door to two sisters in their sixties and I'm a single parent. My parents are in their 70s. I work full time. I am doing well to keep on top of everything, no way on earth can I risk getting sucked in to just popping in to neighbours' houses as well.

totally agree with @Laserbird16 if this were my parents, no way would I want random neighbours being made to feel guilty and given the carer's opinion of my parents' needs, yikes

I worked as a carer for years. If I found that a client was needing a higher level of care then I would phone the organisation I worked for. Who would in turn make the family aware. Their needs would be assessed. The client could possibly have a daily carer come in, as well as a nurse. Some people will have multiple checks through the day, from showering, to meds, social visits, to welfare checks. There is a system in place for this.

It would never cross my mind to enlist a neighbour. I don't know this person, I don't know if they're a safe person, I don't know if they're reliable, it's not their job, it's got absolutely nothing to do with them. If something happened to my client and my workplace investigated what would I say? Oh well I told the neighbour to check on her!

Carer needs to wind her neck in. It's lovely when neighbours can help but they are definitely under no obligation to, no matter the circumstances.
I say that as someone who's mum is 70 and has carers 4 times a day and has Alzheimer's. I'm forever apologising to my mums neighbours as she can get a bit obsessed with them but they have assured me they don't mind, I've sent them a Xmas thank you anyway.

Shocking behaviour from the carer! And I would not assume that it was from a place of kindness but trying to offload some of the responsibility. Just a quick glance through the news tells you that not every carer is caring! Most of us lead busy lives and cannot be conscripted into being responsible for someone so unconnected. I am annoyed by the casual sexism too because it seems to be that men are never accosted in such a way and expected to help. It's up to the children, the woman, and the care organisation to revise the level of care needed and as many others said, have a personal alarm. I live in Central London with a very transient population and do not know my neighbours, There is no way that I would take on more with my current workload, especially as there are portered buildings. I recall a few threads of posters that have been roped in and become martyrs to people they don't even like.

I'd complain because due to your answer she may approach you again. Not on.

I don't often post but feel compelled because I have experienced being sucked into feeling responsible for an elderly person not related to me.... it's still ongoing and is quite a saga so I will try to be brief......

Mr T started coming into my small shop when we opened three years ago - I was caring for my MIL who has dementia and at that time me running a shop where she could be with me was ideal - I could be there for her and she had social interaction from our customers etc - win win. Mr T would sit and chat to MIL, it wasn't too big a deal.

MIL went into a home after nearly a year as she deteriorated rapidly, and Mr T continued to visit...... he started asking for help with letters that confused him.....small example - dealing with a debt collection letter after he had lent his car to a neighbour who abandoned it after a whole YEAR, it was towed away and scrapped and he was sent the bill as the registered keeper.... I managed to sort it, but then reported to the police and Adult Social Services as he was obviously vulnerable. Obviously it was a civil matter but wanted it logged in case the neighbour was a serious scammer and preying on the elderly - he had also taken money from Mr T.

First time I rang social services they gave me a flea in my ear for being patronising and presuming he needed care. So I carried on being as helpful as I could. In the second year of our acquaintance he confided he had dismantled his bed and was sleeping on the floor...... I persisted with SS until they agreed to take him on. The process of helping him get a new bed was so bureaucratically complicated I organised a free one from Facebook and the lady who donated it came with me to assemble it in his home. SS did step up and get him a new washing machine via a charity after a long wait and after I had funded an engineer to confirm it was indeed fucked at my own expense.

Mr T lives alone, is always immaculately dressed and his home looks as though he has OCD. He travels our town with his bus pass and has a few places he goes. he often borrows money from me - 5.00 or 10.00 a week and pays it back but he shouldn't be in this vulnerable situation. He wanted me to sort out numerous financial issues which I declined because I am not prepared to take on that responsibility and have it bite me on the ass.

SS closed his case because he does not have dementia issues - it was passed to the CMHT and it transpires he has a diagnosed condition with paranoia as a feature - he rambles - a conversation will start with "can you help me with x ...." and then devolved into various reminiscences from his past including details like the year it happened and the make of car his father used to drive etc (which is why I thought it was dementia, but no, apparently not.) Oh, and although the condition is obviously serious, he is not medicated because he doesn't want to be.....

As he has no phone, I became the contact point for professionals to pass on appointments etc as I see him pretty much every day - sometimes three times......

Wow this is turning into a real chapter and verse, so I'll try and wind it up. basically as the CMHT is not there to support him with life admin, they are trying to get him another sort of support worker..... a few weeks ago the nurse I speak to rang to say they had got him an appointment but neither she notr the colleague who knows him could attend - maybe I'd like to go and support him at his home - and for about five seconds I was thinking okay, I'll have to be late to the shop and put off this that and the other and then my brain kicked in and I said I'm sorry but no - My business is failing, both my parents have terminal cancer and in my head I was seeing a slippery slope of further responsibility. They agreed to re-schedule.

The upshot is this - every time he comes in my heart sinks. It has affected my well-being because I can't do what he needs and I don't want to - I have enough going on and though I feel desperately sorry for him I feel he should be under better care - maybe moved to a sheltered flat - but I know, no money, cuts etc - and I am just waiting for the day he asks the wrong person for money or his electric or gas goes off again and I hear he's died from hyopthermia (I am now a regular caller to his landlord maintenance department.)

So those saying it's not on to get strangers involved are spot on. It makes the service user vulnerable and places the unwilling volunteer in an invidious position. In a few months time we are closing our bricks and mortar shop and I will have to tell his professionals that i will no longer be available to help him. I am struggling with both guilt and the relief.

Good luck OP.

Your neighbour should wear a lifeline penadnat at the very least.
If she's high risk for living alone then she needs to consider residential care, and if she refuses (as most do) then she lives with the consequences of that choice. A&E is full of people who insist on living in unsuitable circumstances, falling about all over the place.
Not your responsibility. Don't get involved.

@oldqueen1969

Unfortunately, because you stepped up and helped, SS would rely on that and use you to keep him safe/ an eye on him. You were clearly put down on their records as a "contact" for him if they were giving you his appointment details to pass on.
If you had absolutely declined, they would have been forced to take action sooner and put more care in place. I'm not blaming you at all because it was extremely kind and generous of you to help. But just saying that once you get even slightly involved like this it can snowball and prevent SS from taking their responsibilities more seriously because they assume YOU will pick up the slack. You have every right to say no to this and I would strongly advise you contact SS and make it abundantly clear that you are unable to go on and are withdrawing completely from this scenario. They will then be forced to put the care in place that he needs. SS has hardly any funding so of course they will pass the (very expensive) buck whenever they can.

OldQueen1969 that sounds really awful. It's very hard to back away from things like that.
I had a woman move into my street who was disabled but still able to walk. It's a small village so absolutely everything is within walking distance for non drivers but as I drive and she didn't she was expecting me to ferry her/her kids everywhere (all old enough to walk by themselves). It got to the point that if I was somewhere and the kids saw my car, she had instructed them to go with me! They'd just open my door and get in, telling me that "mum said you have to take us home". I started having to think of places I needed to go and errands that needed done because it was getting ridiculous! Even when I was fully able to drive them back I would have to say no because it was setting a precedent.

I've had to do the same with a family who's father (the family driver) passed away. I suddenly became their chauffeur and they'd phone me no matter what I was doing and say, "I need to go to the shop. It'll only take five minutes. Cheers!" and they'd be at the car door in their coat and I would have to go get dressed or get DH to watch the dinner etc. The pleases dropped away very quickly.

As much as I think it's a shame we are losing community and helping each other out, the CFers take advantage of those willing to occasionally help and everyone else looks away whistling pretending they haven't heard or seen a thing.

Our neighbours are not our responsibility. Favours is different to being a carer and we need to insist so.

Of course it's not nice or easy and I feel really bad for her but I dunno I have my own shit to deal with

I get this and if the carer was rude or aggressive to you then they were out of line. I do feel however that we are losing our sense of community and a knock on her door once in a while might be a kind thing to do? I live in a village where people look out for each other and it seems sad to me that people are so antagonistic towards each other. All of the 'don't get invoved, not your problem' posts are very sad.

You might have health problems one day and appreciate a little friendly concern.