Neighbors carer just had a go at me!

[Whowantsthiscoffee]

So just got confronted by my neighbors carer telling me it wouldn't hurt me to check on my neighbor and offer a hand. Background, neighbor fell down the stairs last week and wasn't found for 28 hours, she's about 60 and has three grown up unmarried child free kids herself. I have four kids, three are under four and don't have much spare time. My DH works away every three weeks in Europe for a week and I don't live near any family. Yes it's sad my neighbor has health issues but her three grown up children should maybe visit her more often. I just feel annoyed because I feel that as the carer sees me at home etc she obviously assumes I do fuck all. I do ring neighbors door every so often but normally no reply..... I'm just I dunno annoyed I guess

Your neighbour has fallen and no one has checked on her for 28 hours.
The carer could well feel a bit upset that one of her clients has been left for so long and she’s made what could amount to an off the cuff remark, when she’s feeling a bit emotional.
You are obviously well within your rights not to show any interest in your neighbour, but I don’t think the carer is unreasonable to suggest that you do. It’s kind of nice and neighbourly to look out for those that are more vulnerable than ourselves. Again you don’t have to, but the carer was just putting it out there that you could, it doesn’t sound overly confrontational to me.

OP said the carer said "check on my neighbour and lending a hand" - lending a hand with what? we dont really know do we? But either way, it is completely inappropriate for her to involve a neighbour in this woman's life without 1. checking with the client herself 2. checking with the family and 3. checking with the agency.

From a carers point of view she def shouldn't have said that, very unprofessional, and not your responsibility at all. We do however get very attached sometimes and i wonder if its just the concern over someone she cares for. I feel very strongly that no one should die alone and it breaks my heart when someone does. Im bot excusing her, i wouldn't even say that to a family member as its not our place, but ive had to bite my tongue many times.

Whilst you are definitely NBU the carer is a minimum wage employee who had just faced a stressful situation and was 'responding' emotionally.

It is NOT your responsibility. The carer should be taking care of it, if he client needs more care.

Carer should NOT be discussing clients with anyone, even if she thinks she's being helpful!

Just turn a blind eye like everyone else does.....

I'm not clear whether she has a carer because of the fall or whether she had already needed carers before the fall. If she needed carers before the fall for whatever reason then they should have an emergency protocol in place that doesn't include haranguing random neighbours. If she has only needed carers as a result of the fall then why would anyone have been expected to regularly check in on a healthy adult? Sixty isn't elderly, I'm 53 and still have one of my DC in primary school and I am far more than seven years away from elderly even if I do make an 'ooof' sound when getting up from a low chair.

It does make me wonder about the carers training and understanding of professional rules that carers should be following.

As for the pp who mentioned a neighbour she's found difficult with 2 daughters who don't visit - just because someone is now older and less well doesn't mean they couldn't have been deeply unpleasant even abusive to family in the past there may be very good reasons the daughters have nothing to do with her.

I worked in elderly care for some years and well remember a conversation with a new recruit who was very saddened by the patients/residents who had no visitors.

I had a discussion with her regarding remembering they weren't always old and frail!

At that time we had one resident who was known to be violent and abusive - nothing to do with his health he was just a nasty man! His wife had killed herself after many years of abuse and he'd then turned on his daughter, she actually did still visit once a week (deeply mired in fog I now understand better) but we couldn't leave him alone with her because he'd go for her! He'd attack her with his cane, throw things at her etc

Just because they're old doesn't mean they're innocent!

Khione
She has no right to accost random neighbours to look after her client for her. She had no right to.blame op got neighbours situation. It's not professional at all she has to keep her emotions to herself.

She has no right to tell randoms to go check on neighbour without her clients express permission. How would you like strangers coming to your house to." Check on you"? I wouldn't like it one bit. How does she know that the op wouldn't rob the neighbour blind? Manipulate her into giving her money or goods from the house with some sob story?

It doesn't matter what the carers wage is. She is employed to.be a carer and must abide by safeguarding rules and not discuss her clients with anyone far less farm them out to random neighbours. That is not her job.

I have elderly relatives way over 60yrs old very independant and they would be mortified if some stranger knocked at thier door asking if they were ok. They have emergency alarms and family who are around for them when needed. They wouldn't.let strangers over the door and would be worried as to.why they were suddenly calling on.them.

I’m in the industry. Please complain to her employer. That is highly unprofessional and inappropriate.

An old school friend of my mother's moved to London. He was found dead in his flat 5 days after death. I think it's sad. But it's not your responsibility. You could certainly have your number as the first response if she rings her alarm bell.

My Granny fell down the back steps of her house (outside steps) and was there about an hour before her next door neighbour popped in as she would have done every day. (Old school though, where that is done). They immediately called an ambulance obviously and then my Granny had an alarm bell after that.
Granny never actually really recovered from that fall or from the illness which caused the fall (a kidney infection). She was pretty ill for about 4 years after that and never seemed to perk up fully. She died then about 4 years later. I think the fall took it out of her and realising that she was frail destroyed her - she had always been independent and strong.
I agree OP, it's not your place. Yes, by all means report anything unusual, but the responsibility lies on the state and her feckless family.

This reminds me of my late DM. When she was in her mid-80s, she got up late one morning after a late night, drew open her curtains, and saw a gaggle of neighbours on the pavement outside her house. They'd noticed she was up late, and were wondering whether she'd died in the night! She was horrified!

Wait a minute!!! Your FOUR houses away!! So not even your immediate neighbour??? Why the heck has it become YOUR responsibility??? What's happened to the neighbours inbetween....

Absolute bloody cheek!!! I would complain as it was totally unprofessional and inappropriate of the carer.

Maybe she'd like to come and check on them in her own time.....

I would complain to the Carer’s organisation. Or to the local authority if you do not know the organisation as the care may well have been arranged through the local authority. That is very unprofessional behaviour that she needs to be pulled up on.

What Graphista Fri 20-Dec-19 22:06:53 said.

And what beautifulstranger101 Fri 20-Dec-19 22:13:13 said.

This is the carer committing a serious breach of the neighbour's confidentiality and security.

The potential for abuse, opened up by this situation - by a paid, professional carer. It is completely unacceptable and unprofessional for the carer to approach random neighbours (such as OP), and reveal their neighbour's vulnerability, and tell the random neighbour that they should get involved.

OP, I would report it to the employer. Because this is potentially dangerous and endangering behaviour, towards the neighbour, on the part of the carer.

Quite apart from the wholly unacceptable intrusion on your own life.

Graphista, yes, given the behaviour of this woman, I can well understand why her daughter's don't visit. It's sad though because I don't actually know anything.

I am the manager of a care company ,

I would be livid if my staff spoke to a neighbour like that , she had no right telling you about her fall or health problems unless you were down as a contact by agreement with the client .

Ring the company , ask to speak to the registered manager , you don't have to make an official complaint if you don't feel comfortable but let them know they have a loose cannon on their staffing team telling the world personal info about a vulnerable person .

I'd be if a random neighbour thought I was in my dotage (I'm in my 60s) and rocked up to my door with a "How are we today, old dear? Just checking up on you!". On the other hand, if said neighbour invited me over for a cuppa or brought me a slice of cake 'just because', I'd think that was lovely.

I guess it's the old question of "Am I my brother's keeper?". It's a question each of us has to answer for ourselves. Obviously the carer was out of line and absolutely this woman's children should be keeping an eye on things. But how do we know they aren't?

I would talk to the carer's employer too. Very unprofessional conduct. If your neighbour isn't receiving enough support that is for her family and her to decide what they will do. Not for randoms to be guilted into covering the gap in her care

Graphista
You are forgetting that on MN anyone over 60 who is unpleasant of violent must have dementia and is excused. People are never just utter nasty bullying gits all their lives. When people become pensioners they all turn into lovely old grannies and grandads as in every children's book written!

I knew a guy in a care home was an utter bastard all his life. Hit his wife and kids, drank and got abusive in trouble with police etc.
Yet apparently this never happens in MN land it's always 'dementia' or "they are older and you need to.understand they.grew up in different times" yadda yadda. Yeah when he would go to thump me while I tied his shoelaces for him as I was a 'stupid woman' I felt really sorry for him!

@7yo7yo "tell her to fuck off" You are my kind of person

YANBU. It seems you have more than enough on your plate, and why is it your responsibility if you live four doors away??!!! 60 is certainly not old and I wouldn't want someone constantly checking on me! If she needs to be checked on then why can't her children phone or text each day - it's their responsibility to keep an eye on her, not someone who doesn't even live next door. And to expect you to lend a hand, that is just ridiculous.

Next time you see her tell her to do her job properly and look after your neighbour instead of harassing strangers

If the carer has concerns, then she needs to alert her supervisor, who can request a review of her support plan with Adult Social Services, including a referral to assistive technology if appropriate.

She absolutely should not be encouraging people who are strangers to her to be involving themselves in the vulnerable adult's support. She doesn't know you from Adam! You could be capable of anything.

In my experience working with vulnerable people who live on their own, I would keep a wary eye on non-relatives who hang around. (And quite often the relatives too) Do you know how often people who live on their own are abused, robbed, or tricked into signing things? It's not nice to have to view everyone with suspicion, but it becomes necessary.

Out of curiosity, how did you find out that the woman was injured and on her own for 28 hours? Was it from the carer? The woman has a right to dignity, privacy, and confidentiality from her carer. The carer shouldn't even be telling you who she is visiting, or anything else about her client.

Equally, if you do become involved with checking up on her, offering to get shopping, etc. social services can view you as a form of "natural support" that justifies not increasing the woman's care package.

It's not just a matter of complaining to the company that she was rude-- the carer needs better instruction on how to handle her concerns appropriately.