Same petty arguments-don't know who's right anymore.

[mummyrocks1]

DH have the same arguments about washing up continuously. It gets really petty and I am not sure who's right.

We have a rule that whoever cooks the other one does the washing up. Should be simple, but DH doesn't bother doing it in the evening after work and then struggles to get up and has a lie in until 8.8/30 and then runs out of time to do it. Saying that I should do it anyway as I don't work.

It's true I am a SAHM but I am studying at the moment. It's the holidays so I have the kids all day. He lists all the nice things I have done with them and how lovely life is well he works. It's true I have done nice things and taken them out but I ve also done a ton of things behind the scenes with Christmas, birthdays and ALL other household chores (except cleaning as we have a cleaner)

he does work but as a consequence only has two chores to do in the house. Put the recycling out and do the washing up. I sort everything else. He even moans about that.

I do the washing up for him regularly when he gets home late and is working hard. But I refuse to do it in cases like today when he's running late in the morning because he didn't get up until 8.30. He got back from work at 7.30 last night and then went to the pub so didn't get it done last night.

I also made mince pies with the kids yesterday and didn't get a chance to wash up. He's being petty saying he shouldn't have to do baking washing up, even though he's happy to tuck into the mince pies.

Am I in the wrong to expect him to do his two household chores without complaint? We constantly devalues any contribution I make as it's not bringing in money. But his working hours are generally 9.30-6.30/7 including travel.

I have to tidy up after him all the time, he takes days to put clothes away after himself, can't put things in the dishwasher or even put a label or envelope in the bin after himself as he's 'running late' all because he's disorganised.

I am fed up with the same argument.

I think if you're a SAHM with a cleaner then you should be washing up.

Do you get equal leisure time? Presumably in term time you can relax while your children are at school.

If you've got a dishwasher why is anyone doing the washing up? Surely it's a pot or two at most? In which case, sorry, but as a SAHM with kids normally in school and a cleaner, I think you should really be doing the washing up.

Teacher maths- I do it when DH cooks and lots of times when he leaves early for work and gets home late. I feel like he wants me to do 100% of household things and I don't want to. I just refuse to do it when he's had a lovely lie in until 8.30, fair enough if he was rushing out the door early.

I probably do have more leisure time as he works full time, but he pretty much has every morning until past 9, with only the washing up to do, whereas I get up and do everything to get the kids ready for school during term time. He gets every evening too, except walking up or bins out one evening and all weekend he doesn't do a lot.

Wait, you have a cleaner AND a dishwasher!?

I'm a SAHM to 3 DC's, eldest has only just turned three, and despite how mental my days are, I still find time to wash up. Would it be nice if DH occasionally did it? Sure. But if we had a cleaner and a dishwasher, my life would be dramatically easier so I wouldn't be moaning about a bit of washing up.

I'd say he should be doing the washing up in the evening from the meal.
But you should do washing up during the day if you cook mince pies or similar.

I find dh tends to bake and leave a trail of pans behind him. I'd far rather bake than wash up, so I find being left with a heap of pans frustrating.
When I cook or bake I wash up as I go along, and it doesn't leave the kitchen looking well stirred at the end.

I was going to tell you to buy a dishwasher but then realized you already have one. The argument isnt really about the washing up is it? Its about him not pulling his weight. He feels he works and brings in money herefore he does his share. He doesn't regard childcare\housework as a proper job and belittles you by suggesting every day must be wonderful for you and why should he help as you have done nothing all day (so to speak) The argument is about you feeling undervalued as a SAHM and him not giving you a break by helping out.

It’s not about the washing up it’s his attitude which is awful he can’t even tidy up after himself

I think you're being unreasonable, sorry. And he doesn't just have two chores, he cooks sometimes too.

You have a dishwasher.... How did I miss that! How much washing up can there be?!

I think if your leisure time is in your favour you're probably better off not getting worked up. You do the morning but have the day to yourself then.

I don't understand why there is so much washing up when you have a dishwasher?

Anyway, YANBU. You are not a domestic servant. You do plenty to facilitate his life (who looked after the kids when he went to the pub/worked late?).

Alternatively you can suggest to him swapping roles ?

So I should do the cooking and the washing up every single day while DH lies in bed until 8.30 and doesn't leave for work until after 9? Yet during term time I get up at 6.30 and out by 8? As well as 100% of everything else accept putting the bins out?

Because he doesn't do it straight away it ends up piling up, as by the following evening there is two lots of dinner things, breakfast things- he has a cooked breakfast everyday and some lunch things. I do put things in the dishwasher but bigger things don't fit and aren't meant to go in. He can't even clean the plug hole after himself and leaves food in it.

So I should do the cooking and the washing up every single day while DH lies in bed until 8.30 and doesn't leave for work until after 9? Yet during term time I get up at 6.30 and out by 8? As well as 100% of everything else accept putting the bins out?

Yes, during term time especially. That's your job.

If you can afford a cleaner surely you can afford a dishwasher. It's simple to load and unload and as a SAHM it won't hurt you to do it. YABU

If you are a SAHM and you have a dishwasher and a cleaner I think you can probably wash up too.
He must also cook some nights if you wash up then.
I wouldn’t be impressed if you left the washing up from the mince pie making either.

Tea- yes I do feel undervalued, he makes is clear my 'work' isn't as important and I have an easy life. It does upset me but that's his attitude and despite 10 years or arguments about the same things it won't change. He wants me to do 100% of chores, I don't want to, so it goes on. Not sure how a resolution will ever be reached.

During term time I am doing a masters so I am actually working 4 days a week between school hours so have asked him to step up and do some more. He hasn't really bothered. I just go through phases of getting annoyed at his attitude and then I blow up. I get fed up on tidying up after him.

Surely most things can go in the dishwasher though?

YANBU because he does sound a bit lazy.

OTOH you are a SAHP to school age kids, and you have a cleaner. Surely you can work something out between the two of you. Load the dishwasher together after dinner?

He cooks 0-1 time a week. Very rarely.

Wow I am jealous of your life!!

I have to agree with others, you have a cleaner and a dishwasher! How much washing up can there be!

If you decide to bake mince pies, then I think you need to clear up after yourself too. I'd be pretty unimpressed if DH decided, off his own back, to bake a cake and leave me with the washing up because he "ran out of time" - sorry!

If you have a dishwasher, why is this even an argument? Just load the dishwasher when you're done and wash the extra bits quickly by hand. Surely it only takes five minutes to wash a couple of pots and pans?

Threads like this make me sad it’s not the 1950s she works is doing a degree and lives with a man who can’t even tidy up after himself yet the fact she dares to have a cleaner and a dishwasher

As I said it piles up as he doesn't do it that evening or in the morning so it ends up being two lots of dinner things, breakfast things, DH has a cooked breakfast and lunch things.

The pans are big, they won't fit in the dishwasher and the dishwasher ruins them.

I just think he's being petty saying he will wash the other things up but not the baking stuff.

I know everyone is different but I do 99 percent of the meals and the dishes as it is easier for me to do it in the day while our toddler naps, so I feel like you should be able to find time if your children are at school in the day, especially if your husband is working 9:30-7?

Yes he should help in the evenings if your children are too young to help while they are on school holidays. But it isn't fair to make him clean up after you made mince pies and he has been working all day.

It’s not about the washing up it’s his attitude which is awful he can’t even tidy up after himself

Exactly. It's all well and good posters saying it's your job to be his housekeeper (really?!) But he repeatedly tells you be doesn't even value all the work you do. He's being a dick.

You have a cleaner, a dish washer and school age children. He works from nine until 6 :30-7 I think you can wash up. In our household we split things but we both work and have a one year old. You don't need to do a master's, it's a privilege. I did one, whilst working full time. You don't trust how easy you've got it. I'm usually very much on the side of equal load, at the moment you've got it easier than he has. You say he doesn't get up until gone right while you get the children ready, but then he goes to work and they go to school and you do what you like. You don't even have to clean.