Same petty arguments-don't know who's right anymore.

[mummyrocks1]

DH have the same arguments about washing up continuously. It gets really petty and I am not sure who's right.

We have a rule that whoever cooks the other one does the washing up. Should be simple, but DH doesn't bother doing it in the evening after work and then struggles to get up and has a lie in until 8.8/30 and then runs out of time to do it. Saying that I should do it anyway as I don't work.

It's true I am a SAHM but I am studying at the moment. It's the holidays so I have the kids all day. He lists all the nice things I have done with them and how lovely life is well he works. It's true I have done nice things and taken them out but I ve also done a ton of things behind the scenes with Christmas, birthdays and ALL other household chores (except cleaning as we have a cleaner)

he does work but as a consequence only has two chores to do in the house. Put the recycling out and do the washing up. I sort everything else. He even moans about that.

I do the washing up for him regularly when he gets home late and is working hard. But I refuse to do it in cases like today when he's running late in the morning because he didn't get up until 8.30. He got back from work at 7.30 last night and then went to the pub so didn't get it done last night.

I also made mince pies with the kids yesterday and didn't get a chance to wash up. He's being petty saying he shouldn't have to do baking washing up, even though he's happy to tuck into the mince pies.

Am I in the wrong to expect him to do his two household chores without complaint? We constantly devalues any contribution I make as it's not bringing in money. But his working hours are generally 9.30-6.30/7 including travel.

I have to tidy up after him all the time, he takes days to put clothes away after himself, can't put things in the dishwasher or even put a label or envelope in the bin after himself as he's 'running late' all because he's disorganised.

I am fed up with the same argument.

Post title: "don't know who's right anymore"
Majority of posters: DH is right
OP: no he's not, I am.

My masters doesn't take years, it's 18 months max and is intense. It's not a luxury...it's expensive and we are cutting back for it.

Of course it's a luxury. Most people can't afford to quit work for 18 months to study for a Masters that may or may not lead to employment. You're extremely privileged to a) be fortunate enough to stay home and raise your kids and b) have a Masters funded for you by your husband while your children are in full-time education.

I don't think you have any idea quite how fortunate you are to be in the position that you're in.

Just get some pans that are dishwasher proof. Then there will be no washing up!

Idclimb- yes, exactly my worry. I literally have to do all the thinking for DH, I do all the organising and social events. He just turns up, he asks me everything even though it's in the diary. I get fed up of doing all the thinking. I think once I go back to work he will do the bare minimum and I will just do everything I am already doing. It will just be more arguments about that again.

Has your DH always had that attitude? Or did something happen for him to change it? We have talked lots of times, he disagrees with what I say and visa versa and it's an argument. Or he agrees and then when it comes to it he argues he only agreed to shut down the argument. He didn't really agree to it. I wish he was more like that.

He has always had that attitude.

As we see it, we're partners, we're here to help and support each other. He isn't 'exempted' from work at home, and he appreciates how much of it I do, and how little he has to as a result. But he is not a child, and would never to think to act like one, thinking that Mummy should just do everything for him. He's an equally capable adult, who if he sees something needs doing, can do it, and will do it.

And without wanting or needing a ticker tape parade.

You guys are pulling in two different directions. You're both feeling resentful and unappreciated. This is something that can be fixed with clear communication, and give and take on both sides.

(He's not perfect. He's not called the absent minded professor for nothing, the number of times he's gone off to do one job, forgotten what he was doing, gone off and done another. . .)

Dont organise anything then if you are fed up with organising things. If that means you dont go anywhere until DH learns to do things then so be it. When you go back to work maybe you an pay the cleaner extra to do laundry ?

Adaline- I didn't quit work, I was freelance and the opportunities dried up. I wanted to go into another area with more security and have a constant. I had to retrain for it. It was something I had to do as no other options unless he a permanent SAHM which I didn't want to do. I am doing it for myself but also to increase my earning potential and actually so we aren't relying on DH job as our source of income. I am not lazing around watching Xbox and getting my nails done all day.

I couldn't do the degree I really wanted to do as it was fill time for three years and just wouldn't have been possible with DH job and the dcs still being young. I sacrificed my dream job, hopefully for the time being, to support DH career and be there for the dcs.

I don't think you have any idea quite how fortunate you are to be in the position that you're in
I don't disagree with this, but it applies to the OP's dh too.

I had to retrain for it. It was something I had to do as no other options unless he a permanent SAHM which I didn't want to do....I am not lazing around watching Xbox and getting my nails done all day.

Well, no, you didn't need to do a Masters and study for 18 months to get another job - you wanted to, and you're fortunate enough to have a husband who can afford to cover all the family bills while you do so.

If your husband didn't earn what he does, you'd have had to go out and get a job in Tesco, or do a similar job that doesn't require a degree. You chose to have children before you finished your education, and then chose to give up work to raise them. Now, you're lucky enough to be able to take more time off to study and get a well-paying job. That's an incredibly privileged position to be in, and yet you're pissed off about washing a few dishes?

Sweeny- we would never go out if I did that. A very boring life for me. Whereas DH is happy to spend a whole weekend doing nothing.

You cant make him organise things if he is happy staying home. Organise something for you to do and leave the kids with him.

YANBU.

I work 25 hours a week and during the working week I am home on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. My oldest son is school and my other son is home with me and is 2.5 years old.

However, on the 4 days I’m at home whilst DH is at work, he will still come home and cook us our evening meal on about three of those days. More often than not he will wash up too whilst I’m putting the youngest to bed. If he doesn’t get a chance to do it then he will usually do it before he goes to work the next morning.

He would never, ever expect housework jobs to be solely my role just because I’m at home whilst he works.

Yes you may be a SAHM with children in school but that does not give him the right to treat you like the household maid, and nor should you act like one just because “society” states that what’s a SAHM’s role is.

Incidentally, I don't think of myself as 'the family servant', and neither does anyone in this family - God help them if they did.

I am living my life in a way that optimises theirs, but that does not make them exempt from helping out round the house - and most importantly not making unnecessary work for me. I expect that to be respected and appreciated.

In turn, I respect and appreciate what they bring to the table.

Adaline- no, I did finish my education. I am
Retraining to do something else. I gave up work 2 years ago as it dried up and I had DD still at home. I have only been a SAHM with two school aged children since September.

It is a choice and I am lucky to be able to do it but if is work. I drop the kids off at school, rush home to do my work and then work until I have to collect them. I do all chores in the morning either before the school run or 1/2 hour after I get home or after I have collected them from school or at the weekend/evening.

I think you're not using your dishwasher correctly if you're having arguments about it. Surely it should be emptied in the morning and then filled up during the day, so no mountains of dirty stuff. The biggest ballache then is emptying the thing but really, it takes far less time than washing and drying would.

You should avoid things that can't go in the dishwasher.

Am i missing something?

Mbosnz- my attitude is the same as yours. I see us as a team, we should work together and help each other out. He doesn't, it's petty arguments and point scoring- who is the most tired.

He doesn't appreciate me and I ve told him I feel like this, I ve told him I would do more if I felt appreciated but he says he doesn't feel appreciated either and so we go on.

I don't know how to turn it around.

no, I did finish my education. I am retraining to do something else. I gave up work 2 years ago as it dried up and I had DD still at home. I have only been a SAHM with two school aged children since September.

Then imo you're even more privileged. Lots of people don't have that opportunity at all.

Calamity- avoid things that can't go in the dishwasher?! What I silly remark. Chopping boards, big wok, bigger pans and roasting dishes, casserole dishes don't fit in our dishwasher. The fan doesn't go around at the top so it doesn't wash if you put the bigger ones in. Simple.

I do load up the dishwasher with other items that do fit throughout the day. That annoys me too. I come home after the school run to find the kids cereal bowls and his breakfast stuff still on the table. He's not even bothered to put them in the kitchen or the dishwasher. Egg all over the frying pan and still on the stove, butter, eggs out the fridge. I get tired of being the only one who empties or loads the dishwasher.

Well you have a dishwasher, you are a sahm, your kids are in school and you have a cleaner so...... Yabu

@mummyrocks1 you do realise there are jobs you can get that don't require a masters degree right? You know, if you want to stop being a sahp and all that.

That doesn't make DH incapable of putting his clothes away or putting a bowl in the dishwasher or food in the food bin.

You said he has a cooked breakfast all/most days - do you make that for him or does he do that himself? Asking because he clearly doesn't value spending time with his kids in a morning if he gets up so late, but interesting that he'll spend time on a far more elaborate breakfast than most people manage on a working day.

Not a "silly comment" at all.

I cook all the time and I hardly have anything that won't go in the dishwasher.

The odd items that are really too big or awkward are washed as soon as I am finished with them, usually while things are cooking and before I have eaten the meal, before the dirt has had time to go crusty. Plates and cups go in as soon as we have finished with them. I can't bear clutter all over the kitchen worktops.

As a family, you need to make better use of it. Nobody should be doing anything arduous in the way of washing up based on your setup.

Op are you a qualified teacher? It's quite tricky to get a senco job if you've been out of teaching for a few years.

FWIW I think that parents should work as a team. If it was agreed that you would study for a masters whilst being a sahm then you need to put the hours into your studying otherwise it's a waste of money. As long as you're not taking the piss during the day then I do think your dh should be on the go working/ parenting for the same amount of time per day as you. If he's sat down at 8pm every night chilling and you're still on the go then that's wrong imo and same would apply if it was the other way round.

Also my dh supported me financially, practically and emotionally when I did a doctorate with a toddler. He did all drop offs/ pick ups and the majority of housework (I did cooking). It's all paid off though as I'm earning 4x what I was prior to further study so it was an investment in all our futures.