Same petty arguments-don't know who's right anymore.

[mummyrocks1]

DH have the same arguments about washing up continuously. It gets really petty and I am not sure who's right.

We have a rule that whoever cooks the other one does the washing up. Should be simple, but DH doesn't bother doing it in the evening after work and then struggles to get up and has a lie in until 8.8/30 and then runs out of time to do it. Saying that I should do it anyway as I don't work.

It's true I am a SAHM but I am studying at the moment. It's the holidays so I have the kids all day. He lists all the nice things I have done with them and how lovely life is well he works. It's true I have done nice things and taken them out but I ve also done a ton of things behind the scenes with Christmas, birthdays and ALL other household chores (except cleaning as we have a cleaner)

he does work but as a consequence only has two chores to do in the house. Put the recycling out and do the washing up. I sort everything else. He even moans about that.

I do the washing up for him regularly when he gets home late and is working hard. But I refuse to do it in cases like today when he's running late in the morning because he didn't get up until 8.30. He got back from work at 7.30 last night and then went to the pub so didn't get it done last night.

I also made mince pies with the kids yesterday and didn't get a chance to wash up. He's being petty saying he shouldn't have to do baking washing up, even though he's happy to tuck into the mince pies.

Am I in the wrong to expect him to do his two household chores without complaint? We constantly devalues any contribution I make as it's not bringing in money. But his working hours are generally 9.30-6.30/7 including travel.

I have to tidy up after him all the time, he takes days to put clothes away after himself, can't put things in the dishwasher or even put a label or envelope in the bin after himself as he's 'running late' all because he's disorganised.

I am fed up with the same argument.

There is a massive difference between financial support and emotional support. You can have the financial support of staying home, but if that's not backed up by being supportive of her as a person there's no point.

How is he not emotionally supporting her? He's allowing her the luxury of studying for a degree that will, in the long run, hopefully increase her earning power, as well as paying for all the bills and costs of running a household and supporting two children. Most SAHP go and get a job when their children hit school age - they don't sit at home and have the luxury of studying for a degree!

And he clearly earns well if they can afford a weekly cleaner, swimming lessons, the cost of a Masters degree and for OP not to work at all.

OP hasn't once acknowledged that, actually, she's in an incredibly fortunate position. Quibbling over a few dishes in the sink just makes her seem incredibly petty. If I was fortunate enough to have a husband who earned enough money to allow me to study and be a SAHP for years on end, I wouldn't be getting in a strop with him because he'd left a few pans in the sink!

I do put things in the dishwasher but bigger things don't fit and aren't meant to go in

How big are these things? We only have a small dishwasher but can fit in things like roasting and baking tins and saucepans.

Just do the washing up and don't waste your life on such stupid arguments.

TBH it sounds like you are nagging him and anyone will rebel at that. You are a SAHM, for goodness sake it won't hurt you.

God why on here is a sahm expected to be a bloody skivvy??? Pp, if your partner was a sahm, would you seriously expect to come home and not lift a finger? I would bet my right arm that even if op was a wohm, her dh would still be a lazy fucker.

Op, your ‘job’ is just as valid as his and dh does very little at home in the scheme of things so imo he can certainly manage to do a spot of cooking and washing up.

I was a sahm for several years, now back in the workforce, and unfortunately my dh didn’t realise just what I did everyday until it stopped being done and we had to outsource it.

Also, employing a cleaner, while a big help, doesn’t lighten the load as much as one might think. All of the daily jobs such as cooking, vacuuming, washing, tidying and a good amount of cleaning still need to be done to maintain the household. We have our cleaner once a week, and I love coming home when she has been, but it is still the usual slog for the rest of the week. Unless of course your cleaner pops in on a daily basis which isn’t the case for most of us!!

Given that your husband thinks it's a treat for you to go out with the children, can you suggest he takes them out at weekends? That way you get a break, and he gets to realise that looking after two young children, even when they're doing something they enjoy, isn't the rest cure he seems to think it is.

You shouldn't be leaving baking mess for him to sort out but, equally, working or not, he shouldn't consider all of the drudge work to be something to be left to you. Even if you are a sahm you're not his mother.

I can't believe all the people suggesting that doing your masters is a luxury. Surely it's something that potentially benefits you and your family in the long term.

You have a dishwasher and a cleaner, if I was at work all day I would be annoyed at washing up too when most of the other chores are done by someone else or a machine.

Blimey,

You're a stay at home mum, kids in school, with a cleaner and a dishwasher and even take it in turns to do the cooking.

I also think uou should do them. And deal with what happens when you go back to work, when you actually do go back to work.

I think it’s more the absolute pettiness of the situation which is the problem.

As a SAHM with a cleaner and a dishwasher then really you do have the time and ability to do the washing up more than him who is out of the house probably 8/10 hours a day.

However that said, if my partner didn’t just do it once in a while to be bloody nice and to show appreciation for the fact I cook and clean and do the majority of the housework and childcare I’d find that quite hurtful.

So on the odd evening when you’ve clearly had a hard day with the kids or maybe not feeling well or for no particular reason at all, would your partner not say “oh you pop the kettle on and grab the chocs for us both and I’ll quickly wash up” - just as a gesture??? I find that horrible!

My partner works so hard and does a lot in the house too but we both try to make little gestures to show appreciation and help the other out sometimes.

I feel sad for you that your partner wouldn’t wash up a measly few plates every now and again. It’s not the action itself, it’s the meaning behind it which matters imo

Even if you are a SAHM you shouldn't have to do all the housework/drudgery.

I believe the cooking/washing up deal to be fair and one I've always followed myself. If he lived alone he'd have to cook etc. after work. He needs to do his share.

Even if you are a SAHM you shouldn't have to do all the housework/drudgery

She’s not. She has a dishwasher and cleaner as well as DH’s contribution.

I believe the cooking/washing up deal to be fair and one I've always followed myself. If he lived alone he'd have to cook etc. after work. He needs to do his share.

And if OP lived alone, she'd need to go out and work full-time and wouldn't have the luxury of staying home to study, so that argument doesn't really work here.

I can't believe all the people suggesting that doing your masters is a luxury. Surely it's something that potentially benefits you and your family in the long term.

When you're a parent and have children to support and a house to pay for, of course it's a to be take several years out of the workplace in order to stay home and study while being fully supported by a partner.

As I said, I'm a SAHP, and I do 98% of everything. I tend to feel guilty it's not 100%, he feels guilty I do so much!

The difference is in the attitude. If DH is here, he'll put on a load of washing, empty the dishwasher, clean out the fridges, put out the rubbish and recycling, and cook and generally tidy. He'll even wrestle me for the ironing. And he is a tremendously engaged parent.

He appreciates and respects what I do, for what it adds to our life, and what it adds to his - he is able to be highly available for work, and when he's home, he can just relax.

If he sees something that needs to be done, he more than happily does it.

At the same time I'm very vocal in my appreciation of what he does, and how he facilitates my/our life.

It really sounds to me OP, like you're both feeling very unappreciated, and resentful, and starting to use passive aggressive point scoring tactics to get your feelings across. This never goes well, it almost inevitably escalates.

If you two could sit down when the kids are in bed one night, with a takeout and a glass of whatever floats your boat, and try to communicate honestly with each other what and how you're feeling, and discuss how to improve things going forward, you might both be a lot happier in your home and family.

Tis nearly Christmas, not a good time to be squabbling over whose turn it is to wash the pots!

When does the sahp "clock off"? If they have worked all day and the wohp has worked all day, why does one have to continue to work all evening? It's different if you have arranged your time so you get, say, two hours off in the afternoon to have a run/meet friend for coffee etc, then you can balance that with some evening work. But otherwise no, no one should be happy sitting with their feet up while their partner works around them.

You have a cleaner and a dishwasher, washing up shouldn’t even be an issue. You’re luckier than most so I really wouldn’t continue making a drama out of this.

Why on earth don't you just put it in the dishwasher? Train everyone to rinse their plates and put them in dishwasher and you don't have a problem any more. Just get him to empty the dishwasher occasionally. It's less cost effective to wash up than it is to run a dishwasher on an economy setting when it's full.

When does the sahp "clock off"? If they have worked all day and the wohp has worked all day, why does one have to continue to work all evening?

But OP is childfree for six hours each day while her DC are at school. That's not really being a SAHP.

I used to have this argument with DH when I was a sahm too. The problem with him is if you give him an inch he takes a mile and I've been working for four years now and it's still pretty much the same unless he has specific instructions. If you let him do nowt now it's a bloody hard habit to break. I do feel your pain.

There's a lot of posters on here projecting their own crappy lives on the OP. Well if I have to do XYZ then the OP should do the washing up.

I can't even comprehend what's going on in a woman's head when she sits down and starts a post to another woman "oh do behave, OP" and then goes on to hector her for not being at her family's beck and call 24/7.

Honestly OP I'd start again in relationships and discuss the fact that your husband is lazy and disengaged from family life.

If you do nothing else at least stop all the wifework.

The children not being there doesn't mean she isn't working! I'm guessing all the shopping, tidying, laundry is done when they are away - not to mention the postgrad which will take time too.

The children not being there doesn't mean she isn't working! I'm guessing all the shopping, tidying, laundry is done when they are away - not to mention the postgrad which will take time too.

But she's choosing to use her free time to study - that's her choice. Laundry, internet shopping and tidying really doesn't take 30 hours a week!

Mbosnz- exactly, you are totally right, it is his attitude. He will do something if I ask him to but not of his own account. He leaves his clean clothes in piles around the house for over a week because he can't be bothered to put them away.

Has your DH always had that attitude? Or did something happen for him to change it? We have talked lots of times, he disagrees with what I say and visa versa and it's an argument. Or he agrees and then when it comes to it he argues he only agreed to shut down the argument. He didn't really agree to it. I wish he was more like that.

My masters doesn't take years, it's 18 months max and is intense. It's not a luxury, it's something I am doing to get back into work so I am not a SAHM. I want to work and partly because I don't want to be the family servant. So DH can't handle that attitude anymore and to earn my own money so he can't use the 'I earn the money card' it's expensive and we are cutting back for it. I hope it leads to a job as a SENCo or a dyslexia assessor but we will see.

Surely though her DH is doing his share of the housework, albeit outsourcing it via a cleaner. That said he should be picking up his rubbish and not dropping things on the floor.

As I said I do the chores and washing up when he's at work but don't think I should be doing the washing up he should have done because he was at the pub and then having a lovely long lie in until 8.30. If he was getting up at 5 and straight off to work fair enough

I think if you're a SAHM with a cleaner then you should be washing up.

With a dishwasher.