Same petty arguments-don't know who's right anymore.

[mummyrocks1]

DH have the same arguments about washing up continuously. It gets really petty and I am not sure who's right.

We have a rule that whoever cooks the other one does the washing up. Should be simple, but DH doesn't bother doing it in the evening after work and then struggles to get up and has a lie in until 8.8/30 and then runs out of time to do it. Saying that I should do it anyway as I don't work.

It's true I am a SAHM but I am studying at the moment. It's the holidays so I have the kids all day. He lists all the nice things I have done with them and how lovely life is well he works. It's true I have done nice things and taken them out but I ve also done a ton of things behind the scenes with Christmas, birthdays and ALL other household chores (except cleaning as we have a cleaner)

he does work but as a consequence only has two chores to do in the house. Put the recycling out and do the washing up. I sort everything else. He even moans about that.

I do the washing up for him regularly when he gets home late and is working hard. But I refuse to do it in cases like today when he's running late in the morning because he didn't get up until 8.30. He got back from work at 7.30 last night and then went to the pub so didn't get it done last night.

I also made mince pies with the kids yesterday and didn't get a chance to wash up. He's being petty saying he shouldn't have to do baking washing up, even though he's happy to tuck into the mince pies.

Am I in the wrong to expect him to do his two household chores without complaint? We constantly devalues any contribution I make as it's not bringing in money. But his working hours are generally 9.30-6.30/7 including travel.

I have to tidy up after him all the time, he takes days to put clothes away after himself, can't put things in the dishwasher or even put a label or envelope in the bin after himself as he's 'running late' all because he's disorganised.

I am fed up with the same argument.

Sometimes (sadly) I feel my two main goals in life are to have a cleaner and a dishwasher...

My opinion is that as a SAHP you do the majority of the chores. So if your kids are old enough to do baking they are probably old enough to entertain themselves for 10 min while you clean up the baking stuff.

BUT

There are chores that can only be done in the evening or weekends when both of you are in. Such as washing up the dinner stuff. Tidying kids stuff that they have played with in the evening. Why should he get to sit down on his arse and watch you rushing around when you have already been rushing around all day? A SAHP is meant to be staying home to look after the kids and the house in the hours they have the kids- not to be some kind of maid, butler, slave and housekeeper when the other parent is home as well. I think the 'I work so i can leave my cup of tea for someone else to clear up/ drop my towel on the floor for someone else to pick up' attitude absolutely stinks.
I'm not sure what age your kids are but even if you do have it easier than him in the day, that doesnt mean he can do absolutely no parenting / housework in the other times.
Are you studying just for a hobby or are you getting qualifications to go back into work? If it's the latter I think its going to come as a shock to him how much he will need to step up to do 50pc of everything.

This isn't about the washing up it's about him not valuing you, thinking looking after kids is the easy life, and looking at it all just in terms of finances (though not recognising you save a load of money through childcare).

I don't want to be a 100% servant to my family. I don't want to/and don't feel I should have to, do everything with him doing nothing because he works. He doesn't work long hours so has time to do a few things. I am not prepared to run around tidying up after everyone whilst DH does nothing.

I am working four days a week during term time 9-3 for my masters. I plan to go back to work part-time, should I do everything then too? If I start doing everything now it will be expected.

It’s not bc really bc about the washing up though is it? It’s about feeling undervalued.
You are doing a masters, what’s your longer term plan?

OP doesn't work though, she's a SAHP. Is your masters full or part time OP? How many hours a week are you at uni?
I'm inclined to think YABU. You've got a cleaner and a dishwasher, as a SAHP house stuff is your job. What you've said is you just don't want to do it. That's not fair. If you don't want to be a SAHP get a job and share the financial responsibility.

You have school age children, so they're out of the house 6+ hours a day during term-time, you don't work, and you also have a dishwasher and a cleaner!

Realistically it would take you five minutes to load the dishwasher and another five to wash a few pots before you sit down and start work on your Masters.

During the holidays, surely your DC can help load the dishwasher and wash the pots?

Get a second dishwasher.

But why should it be all on her she is doing a masters ffs that is hardly a walk in the park and one assumes is training to get a job at the end
He can’t tidy up after himself or take the time to ease her load by washing up and she is made to feel ungrateful. As I said 1950s

Oh do behave OP, I have a full time job, 3 dc and I'm also doing a masters degree, although I don't have the pleasure of spending 4 days a week doing it. I'm also a single parent, I do everything except I have a cleaner once a week. I also have a part time evening/weekend job.

Do the washing up.

Why on earth is there 2 days worth there? Your DP is working full time. In the holidays I'd understand you want him to do more but how long does it actually take? Really you are living the life of Riley and moaning about it.

If I start doing everything now it will be expected.

But at the moment, you're not working! The only reason you can stay at home and do your Masters during the day is because your husband is going out to work full-time to pay the bills.

You're at home, you should do the housework. I've been off work for six weeks and I've done all the housework in that time as I've been around to do it! It would be highly unfair for me to expect DH to come home from work and wash up when I've had 8+ hours in which to do it myself.

Likewise, DH finishes for Christmas today and I go back to work tomorrow. While he's off, he'll do the housework. I would be pretty pissed off if I got home after an 11+ hour day and he'd left his mess lying around for me to deal with.

How old are your children? If you say term time then I assume they are older which means they are gone for a good chunk of hours. You have a cleaner as well. I think you are lazy.

By becoming a SAHM you've kind of accepted becoming the family cooker, cleaner, organiser. It's literally your job.

I understand when you work this will be different t. But right now you aren't working. A masters doesn't take 9-3 4 days per week.

Also you have a cleaner! What is dh using for lunch that can't go in the dishwasher?

@mummyrocks1 are you for real? You bake and can't be bothered to clean, he works ten hours then has to wash up after you? It's your choice to study at postgraduate level, you don't recognise your privilege. You have school age children so have a clear six hours a day to yourself to study, relax completely indulge yourself and you even have a cleaner. I'd lose respect for someone so entitled and whiney.

I am in the process of getting a job, that's why I am studying.

My masters is meant to be part-time but I am finding it intense. I am working 4 days a week during school hours during term time to get the work load done and then go to uni one evening a week. I can only work school hours at the moment as the dcs are 6 and 4 and are demanding.

Ok, it seems I am wrong. But DH will get a shock when I go back to work part time and he suddenly has to do some of the school runs and all the things he takes for granted that I do, that he doesn't notice, he suddenly needs to help with.

I still don't see why I have to do 100% of it all. I feel like a servant to a man who can't even put a plate in the dishwasher or a label or envelope in the bin after himself.

I think you should do it in the week and perhaps him at the weekend? By washing up you really mean stacking the dishwasher and maybe a couple of pans / non dishwash things?

We both work ft and have the arrangement that I cook and he washes up - we have a dishwasher, it takes about ten minutes max.

But why should it be all on her she is doing a masters ffs that is hardly a walk in the park and one assumes is training to get a job at the end

And the only reason she has the luxury to do that is because her husband is working full-time and paying the bills! I'm sure she can take ten minutes out of her day to load the dishwasher and wash a couple of pots.

You have to do all of it because you're not working and he is.

You are studying as well at the leisure of not having to work whilst doing it. He is funding this choice of yours. Again I think you are just lazy and I can see why he is pissed off.
Also you go off to do nice stuff with fhe kids, why not sort the dishes before you leave? 10 min max.

I think you’re lazy af tbh. He has a full time job and you’re at home with a cleaner. The kids ARE your job, and if you have a cleaner then you get all of the fun bits with very little of the rest of the hard crap the rest of us have to do.

Ok, I guess the opinion is I should do it, even though he's lying in bed when I do it rather than getting ready for work or at work.

I can’t even believe you said ‘why should I have to do 100% of it’? Why should he do 100% of the paid jobs?

Why isn't the rule to wash up as you go along?

I do most of the cooking as I'm here. I do most of the washing up as I'm here. I do most of the cleaning as I'm here.

However, at weekends when DH is here he will do some of it as he's here.

What does you DH do to help with the running of the house at weekends?

You could laze in bed whilst your children are at school.

The 1950s argument is so boring. It's nothing to do with the sex of the person doing the housework. If your partner is working and enabling you, financially, to be at home and have a cleaner and study for your masters you shouldn't be complaining about washing dishes. That's regardless of if you're male or female.
Stop throwing in the 1950s argument, it's nonsensical and used as a red herring.

Btw I’m a single parent with a full time job and no cleaner. I DO everything. It’s not ‘being a servent to my family’. It’s called being a parent. Get a fuckin grip