Same petty arguments-don't know who's right anymore.

[mummyrocks1]

DH have the same arguments about washing up continuously. It gets really petty and I am not sure who's right.

We have a rule that whoever cooks the other one does the washing up. Should be simple, but DH doesn't bother doing it in the evening after work and then struggles to get up and has a lie in until 8.8/30 and then runs out of time to do it. Saying that I should do it anyway as I don't work.

It's true I am a SAHM but I am studying at the moment. It's the holidays so I have the kids all day. He lists all the nice things I have done with them and how lovely life is well he works. It's true I have done nice things and taken them out but I ve also done a ton of things behind the scenes with Christmas, birthdays and ALL other household chores (except cleaning as we have a cleaner)

he does work but as a consequence only has two chores to do in the house. Put the recycling out and do the washing up. I sort everything else. He even moans about that.

I do the washing up for him regularly when he gets home late and is working hard. But I refuse to do it in cases like today when he's running late in the morning because he didn't get up until 8.30. He got back from work at 7.30 last night and then went to the pub so didn't get it done last night.

I also made mince pies with the kids yesterday and didn't get a chance to wash up. He's being petty saying he shouldn't have to do baking washing up, even though he's happy to tuck into the mince pies.

Am I in the wrong to expect him to do his two household chores without complaint? We constantly devalues any contribution I make as it's not bringing in money. But his working hours are generally 9.30-6.30/7 including travel.

I have to tidy up after him all the time, he takes days to put clothes away after himself, can't put things in the dishwasher or even put a label or envelope in the bin after himself as he's 'running late' all because he's disorganised.

I am fed up with the same argument.

YANBU. These kinds of petty arguments kill a marriage as does lack of respect and communication. I really think you should get down to Relate in the new year if you don't want to carry on living like this.

I work/commute more hours than your husband. I'm a part time teacher. On your description, he really does not work particularly long hours!

Unfortunately as you have mentioned cleaners and dishwashers all sense on this thread has flown out of the window. I don't know why but those things are a red rag to a bull on here!

It also makes me despair when so many people see study as a luxury. Our country has a massive skills gap and you are doing a vocational course. It sounds like your geographical area is a good one. Certainly we employ a freelance dyslexia specialist at school and she has plenty of work - we could only get her one day.

The 'bedtimes and swimming lessons'=fun thing has given me a good laugh though.

I absolutely agree he should be capable of putting things in the dishwasher and putting his clothes away. In fact, OP, if you have been putting this clothes away for him I would suggest you stop now.

Have you looked into whether any of the children are entitled to school transport provided by the council?

but it is something that will financially benefit the whole family when she finds work

I agree-it would IF she was going to become a senco like she suggested and IF she was doing the senco qualification, but she isn’t and she hasn’t said if she’s actually a teacher or not which you would need to be.

To be a dyslexia assessor is another matter-I also looked in to this and it wasn’t something that was lucrative at all. The cost of doing the course (which was a lot!) plus buying all the books needed and additional annual stuff needed simply wasn’t viable. The course is also very hard! I’m just concerned the OP is as she says, ‘taking a leap of faith’ and isn’t doing something that will actually bring any money in afterwards. If I was going to get a dyslexia tutor, I would hire someone who’d been a teacher for many years.

It reminds me a little of a poster some months back who was saying how she was going to be a psychologist and would walk into a good career. She didn’t realise that doing an undergrad psychology degree didn’t make you a clinical psychologist.

Anyway, I’m out-if the OP doesn’t want to engage. Good luck with the course.

Comparing it to a job in Tesco is silly because that won’t give as much of a salary.

Funny, I was talking to someone a couple of weeks ago who has a degree and was discussing the wage you have to earn before paying it back. She said "but nobody leaves university and walks straight into a graduate job earning £18,000 a year".

Admittedly I didn't go to college or university (I'm quite young too so very much against the grain), however at 18 I was earning £18,000 a year. If people are studying for degrees and have that mentality, they may as well get a job is Tesco.
In the same way that somebody shouldn't study for a post grad that doesn't almost guarantee them a better job (unless it's a hobby that they can afford of course).

I work 25 to 27 hours a week and fit full time uni into that. I also have two DC that aren't DPs.

DP works 8 till 4, 5 days a week. He cooks 3x a week, cleans more than me and we now earn roughly the same each month.

I would love to have a cleaner and get to concentrate on my degree 5 days a week during term time. I think YABU not to wash up, however, I also think he is BU to not complete his division of chores. Just because he works and you don't at this moment in time does not mean that you are his slave.

I do think you need to learn how to manage your time better - ie you don't need to read a whole book to get one reference, you could use the index to find a reference and save yourself a day.

I don't think we need to go to relate over this, I hope we can sort it ourselves. It is an attitude and one reason I am going back to work so he can't play the I earn the money card. I need to complete this qualification first though.

Thanks for the info about dyslexia jobs. I would be gutted if this doesn't lead to anything. To me I am working, I spent the hours between 9-3 studying four days a week. If I was doing that in the library instead of at home I also wouldn't be there to do the jobs as I am out.

We don't need the council to take the dcs to school. Another reason I want to find something flexible, I want to be there to do the school run if I can.

Our cleaner comes once a week for two hours. So there is additional cleaning that needs to be done, all done by me, except DH will wipe down the kitchen work tops and cooker.,

Thanks for the info about dyslexia jobs. I would be gutted if this doesn't lead to anything.

Ok, last time-are you a teacher?

Fedup- that is the course I am doing, I can choose to do a module that allows me to be a dyslexia assessor after the initial modules and I can chose to do additional modules to get the SENCO qualification if I like. Initially I am going to complete the first year and then see how I get on. I have 15+ years of experience in schools but it has been sporadic.

The resources to be an assessor are an expensive outlay initially as are the ones to be a tutor. But I think it will pay in the end. Round here there is a dyslexia centre in our area of the country that solely does assessments, people have told me it has a 6 month plus waiting list. People pay £300-£400 to do a private assessment and there are many private schools with SEN departments. The money is certainly there of patents willing to pay. I have spoken to a few parents at my dcs school who suspect their dcs might have dyslexia and would pay that kind of money.

OP worked freelance and the work dried up. She probably wasn't a teacher...

You have a cleaner. I think you can do the washing up

I have 15+ years of experience in schools but it has been sporadic.

So, are you a qualified teacher?

I now only buy things / pots that do go in the dishwasher. I run 2 cycles. I run a load. Then I run the dishwasher again. Simples!

The poster who said this kind of pettiness and sniping destroys marriage is right. Relate or similar is a good idea as neither of you appreciate the other and from what you've said you are both a bit lazy and both take the piss when you can and neither of you acknowledge that.

Fwiw earning all the money can be stressful. Doing all the household stuff can be drudgery. The strongest partnerships I know are couples that share both, and yes, that means both sharing sick days, flexing hours, taking a hit to their career and both doing housework and looking after kids. It is far superior way of raising a family than a sahp model for children.

So, are you a qualified teacher?

I think we know the answer to that

You have a cleaner and a dish washer. YABU.

Honestly OP I would stop reading this.
On the one hand, you could do the washing up, you could find the time.
On the other hand, what adult male should get the idea that none of the houseful jobs are his responsibility? This is a level of entitlement I couldn't deal with.
(as a side note we paid a fortune to a dyslexia tutor for my dc and found it really hard to find one)

I think we know the answer to that

Well, I was hopeful for a reply.

Bizarre to think that someone would ultimately aim to be a specialist dyslexia teacher or a SENCo without being a teacher, but fingers crossed she is qualified after all.

Blimey, I think you are lucky! Not saying YABU but I am jealous!

I work full time and DW (I am also female) is a SAHM and doing a PT degree, one day at uni plus studying. 2 children primary school age.

She does majority of shopping and cooking, surface tidying, bins, DIY, school
Admin. I do all laundry, dishwasher, deep cleaning of bathrooms etc, finance and house admin. We share changing the beds and bedtimes and children’s jobs. So I do a lot more than your DH and think he should do more - but I do feel resentful at times because DW has a lot more leisure time than me! ( I work from home so I know how much daytime tv she watches) however I’ve reached the conclusion it’s not worth arguing!!

Well, I think dyslexia assessment and one-on-one help are not the same as classroom teaching. When I trained as a teacher, we got one day on SEN and dyslexia was mentioned only briefly. I have picked up a bit of knowledge by teaching dyslexic students, but it hardly makes me a SENCO!

Anyway, I just came back to say that it seems to me the DH is doing less around the house than he'd have to if he were single, whereas the OP is doing more (because he leaves mess for her).

I don't think I'd call them equally lazy.

I wouldn't hold my breath for a move back to paid work to change his attitude, OP. He'll probably just switch to moaning that you don't earn enough - while simultaneously making it hard for you to travel, stay late, get there on time, work evenings, because you can't rely on him to sort the kids or house...

There is an underlying lack of respect here that needs addressing and it isn't about the sodding dishwasher!

but it hardly makes me a SENCO!

No, you are correct.

The NASENCo qualification is the one that makes you a senco.

You can’t do this qualification if you aren’t a qualified teacher which is why I was surprised at the OP saying that was an ultimate aim of hers.

Generally, I think if you're envious of your partner's life, trying living it properly for a bit and see if you still are. Don't just cherry pick the stuff that seems fun.

I have said on these threads before that both my DH and I grew up with DPs with a very traditional split of responsibilities and neither of us can imagine in a million years our Dads being difficult about doing their allocated tasks. They both have utmost respect for their wives' contributions.

It does sometimes seem to me that some modern men want it all - an educated, working wife who still does all the wifework and childcare and do not want to work flexibly in any way themselves to facilitate this.

It should not be a race to the bottom. We need higher aspirations.

OP, a few pages back you listed wrapping presents and online shopping as some of the "chores" you have to do. Many working people do that kind of thing to relax when they get home. Why not get your DH to do that stuff, if you consider it as part of your "99%"? If I were working all day (I do) and then come home to be asked to wrap presents, I'd be delighted. That's much nicer than leaving him washing up to do, and if you consider it as a chore you'd rather not do, win win. I agree with other PP that you're considering lots of things as chores that are actually fun treats.

Get a new dishwasher and buy pans and chopping boards that will go in. Problem solved. You’re welcome.

It sounds to me that the division of labor is not the core problem here, but merely a symptom of what is really bothering you.

It looks like your husband has maneuvered you into a tradition female role and looks down on you. You are taking care of the house and enable his comfortable life-style, not the other way around.

Personally, I would question whether I'd want to stay in this situation. If it was ever a partnership, it certain isn't anymore. To him you are now an unpaid housekeeper and childcarer he takes for granted.

@Phineyj lm afraid l think you are right; some men want it all. A wife with a good job and decent pay, yet also does all childcare and house tasks e.g. bill paying, cleaning, organising etc. I see some of my friends get sucked into this and then have to be all martyred about eg. Do all night shifts with children, do all cooking / cleaning / washing etc and yet still work 37.5 hours. But claim they are so so tired and all their husband can possibly do is go to work