Same petty arguments-don't know who's right anymore.

[mummyrocks1]

DH have the same arguments about washing up continuously. It gets really petty and I am not sure who's right.

We have a rule that whoever cooks the other one does the washing up. Should be simple, but DH doesn't bother doing it in the evening after work and then struggles to get up and has a lie in until 8.8/30 and then runs out of time to do it. Saying that I should do it anyway as I don't work.

It's true I am a SAHM but I am studying at the moment. It's the holidays so I have the kids all day. He lists all the nice things I have done with them and how lovely life is well he works. It's true I have done nice things and taken them out but I ve also done a ton of things behind the scenes with Christmas, birthdays and ALL other household chores (except cleaning as we have a cleaner)

he does work but as a consequence only has two chores to do in the house. Put the recycling out and do the washing up. I sort everything else. He even moans about that.

I do the washing up for him regularly when he gets home late and is working hard. But I refuse to do it in cases like today when he's running late in the morning because he didn't get up until 8.30. He got back from work at 7.30 last night and then went to the pub so didn't get it done last night.

I also made mince pies with the kids yesterday and didn't get a chance to wash up. He's being petty saying he shouldn't have to do baking washing up, even though he's happy to tuck into the mince pies.

Am I in the wrong to expect him to do his two household chores without complaint? We constantly devalues any contribution I make as it's not bringing in money. But his working hours are generally 9.30-6.30/7 including travel.

I have to tidy up after him all the time, he takes days to put clothes away after himself, can't put things in the dishwasher or even put a label or envelope in the bin after himself as he's 'running late' all because he's disorganised.

I am fed up with the same argument.

He pays all your bills, including the cleaner, so you can do a post graduate degree and you still want more? You're massively taking the piss.

For what it's worth, if you start working part time and still have a cleaner I still think it should be your responsibility as there really aren't that many household chores that don't involve cleaning.

Who pays for the privilege of you having BF a cleaner so you have nothing to do while he’s at work op? If it’s him then that’s his contribution to the housework

He should do his fair share. Your job is just as important and time-consuming as his. YANBU.

If you're being very honest, why didn't you wash up the mince pie things?

Did you leave it to add to his washing up to "punish" him for not doing it before he went to work?

He does 100% of the paid work at the moment. How much of the housework do you do, really? It's not 100% as he does some things; albeit small, and you have a cleaner. So 60%? Is that fair?

When you go back to work; you'll readdress the ratios. If you go back full time; which may make sense as you don't seem to enjoy the home stuff, then say that you take over 50% of the paid work. Then you'll have 60% of the housework to divide up - 30% each, if you keep the cleaner. If that's too much for both of either of you, get more outside help.

How do you want this to be resolved?

@enildam what job? She doesn’t work, her kids are in school and she has a cleaner

No, I didn't do the washing up from baking as I had to rush out to take the kids to swimming lessons. Then rushed home to do dinner, bedtime on my own and then started Christmas shopping online and wrapping presents.

My 'work' is looking after the kids, running the household and doing all the admin and everything else so DH just goes to work and comes home.

At the weekend he will do I washing up and will cook one dinner if I ask him.

Would there be a different way for him to pull his weight in the home and give you a break, other than the washing up which doesn't seem to be working?

Perhaps he could do all the cooking and washing up on Saturdays instead?

You’re really over estimating what you do op. Listing every little thing that you do as part and parcel of being a parent is not making it sound like you have it hard. Bedtimes ON YOUR OWN??!! You poor thing 🙄😂

I think you have a pessimistic outlook on life which is causing the issue. Taking the kids to swimming, cooking, present shopping and bedtime with the children are all things I really enjoy doing for my family. You seem to begrudge being a mother/wife. I wonder why you bothered getting married and having children if you don’t like any part of the normal stuff you have to do

My 'work' is looking after the kids, running the household and doing all the admin and everything else so DH just goes to work and comes home.

Yeah, that's all he does Because his job doesn't pay for the food you eat, the heating bills, the electricity, the clothes on your back or anything like that, does it?!

You chose to give up your job and become a SAHP. Part of that is doing the housework. If you don't want that to be the case, go and get a full-time job and split the domestic side 50/50.

No, I didn't do the washing up from baking as I had to rush out to take the kids to swimming lessons. Then rushed home to do dinner, bedtime on my own and then started Christmas shopping online and wrapping presents.

I'm sure you could have spared five minutes to put dishes in the dishwasher - it's hardly an arduous task, is it?

My 'work' is looking after the kids, running the household and doing all the admin and everything else so DH just goes to work and comes home.

So the stuff every other parent does whilst also holding down a full time job... If your DH 'just' didn't go to work you wouldn't be able to be a SAHM. You're in a privileged situation. Would it really kill you too do the dishes?

You need a conversation with him about feeling undervalued. He shouldn’t be leaving you to put envelopes in the bin.

But washing up, I’m afraid to say should be you if he’s out all day. At the same time, your life sounds like it could be a drudge. Would he agree to cook and wash dishes once/twice a week, including thinking of what to cook and adding items to your shopping list? Does he do anything, like mowing the lawn etc?

More a dh problem, I think. He doesn't appear to value your contribution and you are feeling resentful. I think it is time you had a meaningful conversation stating your feelings and listening to his too. See where it goes from there. Yanbu

Well, I'm a SAHP to two school aged children. When they were little, I was doing a full time law degree, had 20 hours childcare a week, and definitely no cleaner! Add to that, often he was travelling for work, so not there to help even so.

I did all the housework, gardening, groceries, most of the admin, the vast bulk of the childcare, and cooking, washing and ironing.

So I'm afraid I'm going to say that I think you should be doing it all. You are on a pretty good wicket.

There is a caveat to that however. I expect a grown man to be able to locate the laundry basket and put his clothes in it, and to pick up after himself, not to make more work than necessary for me, or show a lack of respect for me and what I do. If he sees something that needs doing, then to do it, if he has time.

Well, a part time masters is designed to fit around full time work so you are definitely being completely unreasonable. I'm on holiday from my (very hard and demanding) full time job today. You've just described what I've done so far on my day off and it's been lovely (except I've also done 3 loads of washing and the washing up). It's been a lovely chill day. Describing every little detail of what you do whilst saying your OH just goes to work is not a convincing comparison I'm afraid. If you're listing details you need to do the same for him ie drive half an hour to work, had a 20 minute meeting, packed some boxes, dealt with an irate customer etc etc etc etc etc etc. I bet his day is harder than yours even during holidays when you've got the kids. Why not get a PT job, And why only planning on working part time when you graduate? You sound very lazy and entitled.

Op, I cook 7 days a week, and about 95% of the time, wash up 7 days a week too. I do all the house work - 5 peoples worth of laundry. All the hoovering, bathroom cleaning, floor mopping, window cleaning, all on top of raising three DC's 3 and under - the smallest of which breastfeeds around the clock.

Honestly. Your DH not doing the washing up is no big thing. Especially when you have a dishwasher.

I think you and your husband need to sit down and have a proper conversation about household responsibilities, working hours and studying. Maybe he doesn't understand how tough you're finding the masters course (I have to be honest, if my husband was doing a part time masters course while I was funding everything including a cleaner, I wouldn't expect it to be taking 24 hours a week and unless it was explained to me I would be thinking he was lazy). Are there any other things that he could take responsibility for rather than the washing up? Could he be responsible for laundry and the bathrooms (things that aren't causing the kitchen to be unusable if they're not done immediately)

I think the problem is you're both feeling undervalued and unappreciated, and only you two can work together to change it. The children, job, housework and course aren't going anywhere, and between the two of you they're going to have to be done, and that doesn't leave a lot of time for down time. We can all sit here and tell you he should be doing more or you should be doing more, but that's not going to help with you two reaching an agreement that's going to improve family life

The issue is OP feeling undervalued. The OP is perceiving DH thinks she should be a 100% slave to him, the DC and the house.

OP you need a conversation with him. Maybe counselling together if you can’t communicate about this - sounds like the resentment will just build up both ways otherwise.

There's quite a sense of entitlement in someone who would do a fun activity with the children like bake mince pies, and then swan off and leave all the clearing up for someone else to do. Someone else who has been working all day to pay for her cleaner, her masters and her leisurely life.

Actually, unbelievable.

Is the Masters a necessary qualification for you, OP? You said that it was part of the process of you getting a job, but is it a requirement or a general 'look good on a CV' type thing?

What’s your masters in? Misses the point, but I want to do a Masters and am nosy...

*The issue is OP feeling undervalued. The OP is perceiving DH thinks she should be a 100% slave to him, the DC and the house.
*
I'd say if anyone's undervalued in this relationship it's DH.

How much appreciation can you give to someone really doesn't actually add much value, by all accounts?

Paying for childcare in the school holidays would be cheaper than a Masters.

OP I think there have been some very cruel responses here. You and your OH appear to have agreed a division of labour and then he changes his mind and expects you to pick up the slack. You are probably doing more hours than him already once you factor in the childcare, household chores you are doing and the studying in order to get a better future paid job (is that right?). The making mince pies I expect was fun for the kids and done for their benefit rather than being fun for you. Maybe what's needed is a realistic conversation about what work you each do and how much time it takes. His working hours are not unusually long. He's out for 9 hours. If you do 9 hours a day made up of all the things above then really if there are other jobs to be done, it's a shared responsibility. You are both contributing and I think lots of people have not picked up on the fact that he is mysoginistically holding his wages over you as some kind of power trip. Yes he is contributing to the household in that way but that does not mean you are not contributing. He is proritising going to the pub and having fun over pulling his weight in the house. I personally do not think you should do 100% when your OH is only doing 45ish hours a week including commmuting. If he were working unusually long hours you'd have to think differently but he's not doing any more than many parents who appear to do a lot more childcare and housework than he does. Sorry you are getting such a hard time here. Mumsnetters can be extremely judgemental and cruel.

The issue is OP feeling undervalued.

I don't think the OP realises how bloody fortunate she is. She has the luxury of not having to go out to work. She has six hours per day during term-time to do whatever she wants, and gets to spend weekends, evenings and all of the holidays with her children. On top of that, she has a cleaner so she also doesn't have to worry about the vast majority of the housework either!

Given her position, why on earth shouldn't she do the dishes?!