Same petty arguments-don't know who's right anymore.

[mummyrocks1]

DH have the same arguments about washing up continuously. It gets really petty and I am not sure who's right.

We have a rule that whoever cooks the other one does the washing up. Should be simple, but DH doesn't bother doing it in the evening after work and then struggles to get up and has a lie in until 8.8/30 and then runs out of time to do it. Saying that I should do it anyway as I don't work.

It's true I am a SAHM but I am studying at the moment. It's the holidays so I have the kids all day. He lists all the nice things I have done with them and how lovely life is well he works. It's true I have done nice things and taken them out but I ve also done a ton of things behind the scenes with Christmas, birthdays and ALL other household chores (except cleaning as we have a cleaner)

he does work but as a consequence only has two chores to do in the house. Put the recycling out and do the washing up. I sort everything else. He even moans about that.

I do the washing up for him regularly when he gets home late and is working hard. But I refuse to do it in cases like today when he's running late in the morning because he didn't get up until 8.30. He got back from work at 7.30 last night and then went to the pub so didn't get it done last night.

I also made mince pies with the kids yesterday and didn't get a chance to wash up. He's being petty saying he shouldn't have to do baking washing up, even though he's happy to tuck into the mince pies.

Am I in the wrong to expect him to do his two household chores without complaint? We constantly devalues any contribution I make as it's not bringing in money. But his working hours are generally 9.30-6.30/7 including travel.

I have to tidy up after him all the time, he takes days to put clothes away after himself, can't put things in the dishwasher or even put a label or envelope in the bin after himself as he's 'running late' all because he's disorganised.

I am fed up with the same argument.

Unfortunately on mumsnet you won't get a lot of support as a sahm.

Yanbu to expect support with running the household x

Yanbu to expect support with running the household x

She gets plenty of support! She has a husband who goes out and works full-time so she can stay home and study. Said husband also pays for a cleaner so she doesn't even have to worry about the housework!

Love 'to do whatever she wants' have you tried it? No? Then you actually have no idea what it takes. It's lonely, it's isolating, you lose your own identity, you have to deal with trolls acting like they know your life.

But are they putting 'she had a job' on your headstone? No.

Read what I wrote. You've made my point. On mumsnet people (you) won't even try to understand what it means to be a sahm.

Love 'to do whatever she wants' have you tried it? No? Then you actually have no idea what it takes. It's lonely, it's isolating, you lose your own identity, you have to deal with trolls acting like they know your life.

She made that choice, though. She could go out to work if she wanted and they could pay for childcare. If they can afford for her to do a Masters and to have a cleaner come in each week, they could easily afford before/after school care for the DC if it was needed.

I'm afraid I don't have a huge amount of sympathy for someone who has the luxury of staying home and studying for a Masters degree while their husband goes out and works a full-time job to support her and her children.

If I had that luxury and had six hours child and husband-free five days per week, I wouldn't be starting an argument over a few dishes in the sink!

Unfortunately on mumsnet you won't get a lot of support as a sahm.

This just isn't true. As a general rule SAHM's get told they're doing too much.
But most SAHM's have children at home all day and/or no cleaner.

YANBU to resist taking on 100% of the housework. It's just not fair to have one person doing all the drudge work, whatever your setup is.

But it sounds like the washing up is not the best way to manage this. Realistically, you do have a dishwasher and spare time in the day, a PT masters should not be eating up 30 hours a week. I'm not saying your husband is being reasonable to resist doing it, but it's clear this stalemate will drag on forever.

What are some other ways you could avoid doing everything?
He is not working on the weekends, so he should definitely be doing 50% of everything then.

Can you explain to him that it's not about the washing up, it's about not wanting to do 100% of everything? Ask him why he thinks, as an adult, he should not have to ever do any cleaning or household work. Are there other tasks he would be more willing to do?

Basically focus on the goal (not doing 100%) but being flexible on how you get there.

One person cooks, the other washes. You look after his kids and the home and you are studying. Of course he can wash a few dishes when he’s home from work.

Vethings- we ve had lots of conversations about it, it doesn't change. He earns the money so works harder than me. Even when I had two Pre schoolers at home that was his attitude. He does see money as the only worthwhile contribution. How can I change his attitude?

I do know I am lucky, but I am not lounging around all day, I am busy during the school hours. I have put in the hours before, going back to work 9 months after the birth of both my dcs. I have only been a SAHM with my youngest at school since sept. Very new, before that I didn't work for 18 months and she was at Pre-school 2 days a week.

I am studying to get a better job and that's my only option at the moment. I am doing a masters in Special educational nerds. Going back to my old job isn't really an option.

I don't mind so much doing the household jobs when DH is working long hours but I begrudge doing it because he's ran out of time because he's had a long lie in. I begrudge tidying up after him because he's too lazy to tidy up after himself too.

He's too lazy to tidy up after himself but you're the one who didn't tidy up after baking?

I’m of the ‘with such a sweet deal, yes you should have washed up your god damn baking dishes’ school of thought.

C’mon now. Kids in school, cleaner, dishwasher. Running a home isn’t that onerous in those circumstances.

Sounds like you resent your husbands lie ins. Don’t you think 6 hours a day to spend how you like is adequate recompense?

I begrudge tidying up after him because he's too lazy to tidy up after himself too

Why is he lazy for not tidying up, but it's okay for you to ignore the dishes leftover from when you made the mince pies?

I am doing a masters in Special educational nerds

Excellent-are you doing the nasenco?

Special educational nerds That describes DC1 perfectly!

We used to work (both of us) 7am - 7pm (including commuting), and managed house and DCs. So I think what is annoying you is not so much actually doing the washing up, it's the fact that none of your efforts are valued.

It's difficult to argue your case as a SAHM, especially as he sees you have time off when he's at work (and he will regards your Masters as time off), so I don't really know what to do apart from cutting yourself off emotionally, and sitting it out until you have your Masters and can get back to work.

I guess op that s he values paid work do much , you’ll be in a better position to negotiate when you start back to work.
Base it on leisure time, and if he still won’t pull his weight give him a list of the unpaid work you do showing how much he can expect to buy those services for ( laundry, cooking etc).

No, my mistake-that’s L7 but not actually a masters. Are you certain a Master in SEN will lead to a good job-what’s your plan?

Base it on leisure time, and if he still won’t pull his weight give him a list of the unpaid work you do showing how much he can expect to buy those services for ( laundry, cooking etc)

OP has much more leisure time than he does, though - she's just choosing to spend that free time studying for a Masters degree instead of sitting on the sofa watching Netflix.

There is a massive difference between financial support and emotional support. You can have the financial support of staying home, but if that's not backed up by being supportive of her as a person there's no point.

but if that's not backed up by being supportive of her as a person there's no point.

Like supporting her studying for a part time (no reason she couldn't do full time other than dragging it out) degree?

Show me to a post where someone is a sahm that doesn't dissolve into a bitchfest of working parents telling them how lucky they are.

I've done both, currently work and really hate the way sahms are talked about/have to justify their time

Read again. Emotional support

Bloody hell this place. You're all the same.

I don't think it's good for any adult to have the expectation that they will do zero household tasks. For his own self respect your dh should do something. I agree too that it will become very hard to change this back when the OP returns to work at some point.

"I feel like he wants me to do 100% of household things"

But surely with a regular cleaner you'd never be doing 100% anyway. I'm confused!

I'm a SAHM, no cleaner and I wash up 4 times a day. It takes less than an hour out of my life and I honestly don't mind.

If you're not happy then a sit down conversation is needed and you can organise a compromise. That way hopefully no future arguments and you'll be on the same page.

I just noticed you have a dish washer! We don't have one of those! I can't really see the problem tbh. You're lucky!