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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for NOT taking him to college anymore?

180 replies

SunshineAngel · 19/12/2019 11:00

DSS is in his first year at sixth form college. He chose not to go to the one attached to his school, but one that is on the other side of town.

We bought him a bus pass at the start of the year, which costs £100 per term. The college bus leaves at 8am, and the bus stop is on our road, on the same side as our house, about 20 feet away.

The thing is, he keeps missing the bus. DP has to leave for work at 7, so makes sure he's awake. I get up at 7.30, so can hurry him along to some extent .. but no matter how much we encourage him, he still misses the bus regularly.

Since it got colder, he's refused to leave 5 mins earlier than the bus arrives, saying he won't sit in the cold, so he leaves at 7.59 - by which point the bus has sometimes already sailed past. Just to add, he has a lovely warm coat and gloves, which he refuses to wear, because it's 'uncool'. He also won't wear hoodies, so he sits at the bus stop in a t shirt, jeans and trainers. I'm not surprised he's cold.

Anyway. When he misses the bus, he comes home again and asks for a lift. There are other buses that go to the other side of town, but the timings mean that he would be at least 20 minutes late, missing registration and the first 5 mins of his first lesson - so one non-attendance point and one late mark already.

I have taken him a couple of times because I don't want him getting disciplined for being late, but I am supposed to be sitting at my desk at 9am, so if I take him, it then makes ME late. Not to mention it's a 30 minute drive in the opposite direction to where I need to go, so it's taking time, using petrol, NOT nice to drive across town at that time in the morning, and we've already paid for his bus pass. Not to mention there's always a negative atmosphere in the car because I'm not happy that I have to drive across town and be late for work, and he's not happy that I've lectured him on leaving the house late again.

I have told him this morning - after taking him AGAIN - that enough is enough, and from January if he's late, he's late. I wouldn't mind if it was the odd time and there was a reason, but we're literally next door to the bus stop, and he just won't leave 5 minutes earlier, which is all it would take. He also phones us quite regularly at 5pm asking for a lift home, because he's been messing around with his mates and missed the college bus back. Again, there are other buses, but this would involve effort and a 10 minute wait in the cold. What's the point in paying for a bus pass when he clearly doesn't want to use it! He should have gone to the local sixth form if he wanted lifts every day, as I could have dropped him off before work then like I did when he was at school (or, even, he could have walked, as it's about a 10 minute walk ffs).

When I was at college I walked there and back, and when I was at uni I had to take a bus, a train, and then walk for half an hour - leaving at 5.30 to get in for 9am!! I don't think leaving the house at 7.55am is all that bad to be honest.

But.

I know for a fact I will feel super, super guilty letting him be late.

My partner has said just leave him to it, as at 16 he's old enough to take responsibility, and if he makes the choice to leave too late, it's his own fault. But it's easier for him, as he's already at work at that point!

AIBU for not taking him anymore?

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 19/12/2019 11:00

I am so sorry, that ended up a lot longer than I thought it would.

I always type more when I feel guilty.

OP posts:
Stressedout10 · 19/12/2019 11:03

Yadnbu
He needs to get himself to college

7yo7yo · 19/12/2019 11:03

Leave him to it.
Your pandering and enabling him.

araiwa · 19/12/2019 11:05

Fuck that

Up to him. Not you

Make a very public display of kisses and waving goodbye and shouting i love you at him outside his college. Much more uncool than a coat

debbs77 · 19/12/2019 11:05

He is being late be cause you allow him to be. Let him be late. Every time. Don't even wake him up.

Crikey my junior school kids get up themselves

Mrsjayy · 19/12/2019 11:06

He is 16 years old honestly stop it !

Sparklfairy · 19/12/2019 11:07

He sounds so spoiled. Cant believe you've pandered to any of this.

CloseEncountersOfTheTerfKind · 19/12/2019 11:08

God almighty why on earth have you been taking him?!

I really would stop immediately. Hopefully the replies on this thread will reassure you that you absolutely shouldn't feel guilty. You will be doing the right thing so in future years someone won't be posting on here about their lazy man child partner who doesn't take responsibility for anything and expects others to run round after him.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 19/12/2019 11:09

For crying out loud woman. Why are you babying your son? You need to step back and make him take responsibility or he will never be equipped for the adult world and work. I know it’s hard but you’re not actually being kind mollycoddling him like this.

QuantamBaby · 19/12/2019 11:09

Just stop!

He's in sixth form and it's his responsibility to get himself to and from college while not freezing to death because he's too vain to wear a coat.

He's treating you like a mug and you are letting him!

Mrsjayy · 19/12/2019 11:09

You need to get his father on board and agree no more lifts what would happen if he was late he would have to face consequences and that is ok for him to get in bother it really isn't your problem.

ohwheniknow · 19/12/2019 11:10

Sounds like he's choosing to miss the bus because he knows you'll just take him. So stop.

It would be different if he had a reasonable expectation of being able to catch his bus because of the time he was setting out, but occasionally had a blip and missed it. But not what you describe.

mummykauli7 · 19/12/2019 11:10

He needs to figure it out himself. Right now he has no reason to get the bus because as long as he has made a some kind of attampt you take him. I totally understand what you're saying about feeling guilty if you don't. But. College is really a time to take responsibility for yourself and start gaining necessary life lessons that will be helpful in the real world. Let him figure it out. If he's late he's late. The college will deal with it and have meetings. If it's uncool to wear a coat, imagine how uncool it would be to have your parents come in to have a meeting about lateness. He'll hopefully sort himself out.

Sandsnake · 19/12/2019 11:11

Absolutely stop taking him! I made the choice of a sixth form college that was a 30 minute train ride away (and 40 minute walk to the station!). My parents paid for my train pass but other than that it was 100% my responsibility to get there on time, which I did. It was good for me, especially in terms of helping to imbed independence and good time management skills before university.

Your DSS is old enough to work things out for himself. He can then decide if he values the extra five minutes at home enough to get a late mark, and if not getting cold is worth being seen in an ‘uncool’ coat. At the moment he was the get out of a lift, which is massively inconvenient to you and not letting him learn about how his decisions have consequences.

edwinbear · 19/12/2019 11:14

YADNBU - he needs to learn to get himself to places on time and suffer the consequences if he doesn't. It's a life skill.

Kko1986 · 19/12/2019 11:14

Oh OP bless your heart you are a lovely mum. However put on the stern mummy voice and follow through with it. He is old enough now to take charge of himself with college etc.

He will learn. You sound like a wonderful mum so you will feel guilt but push it to one side and know you doing this should help make him a better person for the future

Aquamarine1029 · 19/12/2019 11:14

You're leading him straight down the path to becoming a useless man-child. Stop this madness.

thedevilinablackdress · 19/12/2019 11:14

Yanbu
Don't feel guilty for teaching him to be more responsible.

SunshineAngel · 19/12/2019 11:15

Thanks everyone :). He's my stepson not my son, and it might sound really stupid but I have no experience of raising kids, just got thrown in at the deep end with a 14yo DSS a few years ago.

On the whole we get on, but there are lots of things I'm unsure about.

My partner has told me not to take him already, but he's not the one feeling guilty when he's late in the morning!

I think it's hard because I have honestly never been late for school, college or uni, so I don't understand the mindset of someone who leaves too late to get to places on time. It's never been something I've done personally! I never snooze my alarm for example.

OP posts:
stillstandingatthebusstop · 19/12/2019 11:17

I think the change to sixth form can be quite daunting and they have other things on their mind as well as studying and buses (well mine did).
I used to give mine lifts because like you I wanted them to study and get their exams. I didn't have to be at work till later though.
If it was me I wouldn't get cross about it with him but I would put my foot down and not do any more lifts. It's not fair for you to be late for work.
You can't waver once you've decided but you can offer support in other ways.

wokingpizzaexpress · 19/12/2019 11:18

Yeah you need to stop giving him lifts. I get why you feel guilty, but actually in the long term you are doing him more harm than good by pampering him. When he hits the workforce, he will need this basic skill to get to work on time, by himself. Flip this in its head and feel guilty for not preparing him for the real world! The right choice isn't always the easy on e

BrickTop999 · 19/12/2019 11:21

Sounds like he has never been late either ! Hence the attitude.
Let him experience being late ..... chances are he wont be late again as he’ll make more effort to take responsibility for himself Grin

BlaueLagune · 19/12/2019 11:24

Stop taking him and stop feeling guilty. He's 16, not 6.

The missing the bus home would really annoy me too. If he's messing around and misses it, he gets himself home.

I have to nag my son a bit to get him out of the door but he's not missed the bus so far this term (and today is the last day!)

HildaSnibbs · 19/12/2019 11:24

YANBU, I got myself to and from sixth form college on the other side of town at that age, and got myself to and from nights out by bus too! Stick to your guns. And loads of late teens wearing coats round here 😂

HouseworkAvoider10 · 19/12/2019 11:26

Stope enabling this spoilt arsehole.
leave him to it.
if he can't get his lazy arse out of bed, so be it.