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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for NOT taking him to college anymore?

180 replies

SunshineAngel · 19/12/2019 11:00

DSS is in his first year at sixth form college. He chose not to go to the one attached to his school, but one that is on the other side of town.

We bought him a bus pass at the start of the year, which costs £100 per term. The college bus leaves at 8am, and the bus stop is on our road, on the same side as our house, about 20 feet away.

The thing is, he keeps missing the bus. DP has to leave for work at 7, so makes sure he's awake. I get up at 7.30, so can hurry him along to some extent .. but no matter how much we encourage him, he still misses the bus regularly.

Since it got colder, he's refused to leave 5 mins earlier than the bus arrives, saying he won't sit in the cold, so he leaves at 7.59 - by which point the bus has sometimes already sailed past. Just to add, he has a lovely warm coat and gloves, which he refuses to wear, because it's 'uncool'. He also won't wear hoodies, so he sits at the bus stop in a t shirt, jeans and trainers. I'm not surprised he's cold.

Anyway. When he misses the bus, he comes home again and asks for a lift. There are other buses that go to the other side of town, but the timings mean that he would be at least 20 minutes late, missing registration and the first 5 mins of his first lesson - so one non-attendance point and one late mark already.

I have taken him a couple of times because I don't want him getting disciplined for being late, but I am supposed to be sitting at my desk at 9am, so if I take him, it then makes ME late. Not to mention it's a 30 minute drive in the opposite direction to where I need to go, so it's taking time, using petrol, NOT nice to drive across town at that time in the morning, and we've already paid for his bus pass. Not to mention there's always a negative atmosphere in the car because I'm not happy that I have to drive across town and be late for work, and he's not happy that I've lectured him on leaving the house late again.

I have told him this morning - after taking him AGAIN - that enough is enough, and from January if he's late, he's late. I wouldn't mind if it was the odd time and there was a reason, but we're literally next door to the bus stop, and he just won't leave 5 minutes earlier, which is all it would take. He also phones us quite regularly at 5pm asking for a lift home, because he's been messing around with his mates and missed the college bus back. Again, there are other buses, but this would involve effort and a 10 minute wait in the cold. What's the point in paying for a bus pass when he clearly doesn't want to use it! He should have gone to the local sixth form if he wanted lifts every day, as I could have dropped him off before work then like I did when he was at school (or, even, he could have walked, as it's about a 10 minute walk ffs).

When I was at college I walked there and back, and when I was at uni I had to take a bus, a train, and then walk for half an hour - leaving at 5.30 to get in for 9am!! I don't think leaving the house at 7.55am is all that bad to be honest.

But.

I know for a fact I will feel super, super guilty letting him be late.

My partner has said just leave him to it, as at 16 he's old enough to take responsibility, and if he makes the choice to leave too late, it's his own fault. But it's easier for him, as he's already at work at that point!

AIBU for not taking him anymore?

OP posts:
Devereux1 · 19/12/2019 11:29

How refreshing to hear that his father thinks stuff it, live with the consequences.

He's 16/17, is that right? Boys that age were flying Spitfires and risking their lives for us not too long ago.

This snowflake can get himself on a bus and to college in time and deal with the consequences of his actions. Don't be part of his descent into a snow blizzard.

MissBPotter · 19/12/2019 11:29

I could have dropped him off before work then like I did when he was at school (or, even, he could have walked, as it's about a 10 minute walk ffs).

Here is your problem. You have been dropping him off rather than allowing him to do a very short walk so he now expects it and is acting in a very entitled manner. If he gets punished that is because he is late. That’s his fault. Let him be punished and DO not take him in! He will stop when he realizes he is getting punished.
The clothing thing is totally ridiculous too, I would consider possibly buying him a coat he likes for Christmas, unless he feels he is too cool for all coats Hmm

Butterymuffin · 19/12/2019 11:30

Stop saving his bacon. He gets the bus or he's late.

CloseEncountersOfTheTerfKind · 19/12/2019 11:31

"My partner has told me not to take him already, but he's not the one feeling guilty when he's late in the morning!"

This makes it worse, tbh. Stop enabling this boy to be a lazy arse, and stop going against his father's express wishes.

Inkstainedmags · 19/12/2019 11:32

Are you a rescuer? Constantly bailing someone out can actually be a disservice to their growth. Sometimes the best thing you can do for a person is make them take some responsibility for themselves.

nowaypose · 19/12/2019 11:45

YANBU. Let him be disciplined, it’ll hopefully give him the kick up the arse to get the bus on time every day.

LuciaLuciaLucia · 19/12/2019 11:54

Any chance you can start earlier at work?
So you leave home before he is supposed to?

DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 19/12/2019 12:03

I agree - leave before him. Even if it's only at the time he should leave to catch the bus. If you have to, park up somewhere and have a coffee 7til it's time for work.

Grumpos · 19/12/2019 12:09

Lol nope.

Sitting in a T-shirt because coats are uncool. What a total doyle!

Stop taking him, lifts are reserved only for dire emergencies and one off situations which can’t be helped.
The fact that the bus stop is no more than a 2 minute walk is absolutely disgusting. He sounds massively entitled.

Next time it happens just say oh sorry DSS
I have an early meeting so no way I can take you and honestly it’s massively inconvenient to go across town so actually unless it’s a one off arranged in advance I’m afraid
I won’t be able to help.

Then turn the WiFi and heating off before you go to work so not to encourage him to lounge around the house all day.

Lazy sod

Devereux1 · 19/12/2019 12:13

OP, this young man decided to go to a sixth form further away. Why didn't you get him to earn the money to pay for the bus pass that was now an extra cost incurred because of his choice? It's only £100, a few shifts down the local restaurant as a waiter would have earned him the money. He would have appreciated it more, and be more motivated to use it. At the moment, that's £100 of your money being wasted and he doesn't give a hoot.

Why do you feel guilty at all? Why don't you want him to be disciplined for his poor attitude? Are you one of those parents who reward bad behaviour and then can't understand why you have a melting snowflake on your hands?

MintyMabel · 19/12/2019 12:15

I know for a fact I will feel super, super guilty letting him be late.

I'd feel more guilty about being constantly late for work.

cakeandchampagne · 19/12/2019 12:16

Don’t take him. He needs to learn to manage this.

katmarie · 19/12/2019 12:17

When I was 16 I also had to get the bus to college,which involved a 10 minute walk to the bus stop. I also had to get myself up and ready because my mum left for work before I needed to get up. Neither of my parents drove, so if I missed the bus, it was my problem to solve. I managed fine. DSS can likely also manage just fine but at the moment he doesn't have to. You may be helping him in the short term, but in the long term he's not learning to take responsibility for himself.

HollowTalk · 19/12/2019 12:17

I'd be out of the house before he had to leave and would do that every day until he was in a routine.

Devereux1 · 19/12/2019 12:19

When I was 15 my journey to school was 1hr 15 mins. Twice a day. Two buses each way and a wait in the freezing cold in between.

Palavah · 19/12/2019 12:21

Getting out of bed is a basic life skill. Wearing clothes appropriate to the weather is a basic life skill.
Being on time is a basic life skill.

Let him know that from now on you won't be driving him in, to avoid the guilt trip next time.

(Disclaimer: I'm not good at all of them)

TheBrockmans · 19/12/2019 12:21

I don't understand the mindset of someone who leaves too late to get to places on time.

Basically he values his own time more than he does of anyone his being late impacts on (you, teachers, other students). Until he starts to feel the impact he will continue to be late. He needs to get detention or if there is a fine for being late it comes from his allowance. Get his dad to explore the impact on him and others of being late.

Do not take him again, you are not helping him. My dc are 10,12 and 14. They know that if they are not ready to leave at 7.40 they are walking 30-40mins to school. Focuses the mind.

goingtoneedabiggercar · 19/12/2019 12:25

YANBU OP, at his age I walked to school (only 25 mins but still) and at the weekend I got a bus and a train to the nearest city to work. He's more than capable he's just being lazy.

Equanimitas · 19/12/2019 12:37

Don't feel guilty if he's late. Feel guilty about the fact that you've allowed him to believe you will bail him out for so long.

NomNomNomNom · 19/12/2019 12:40

YANBU if it happened once in a blue moon I'd be generous but he's clearly not taking responsibility for himself and he won't as long as he has mum's taxi service at his disposal. In two years he might be off at uni and will need to organise himself - it's way better he learns now.

timeisnotaline · 19/12/2019 12:41

I suggest you get up early, breeze out the door by 7:30 and enjoy a quiet coffee before starting work for the first week back to get him into the habit. Then hold firm.

Nat6999 · 19/12/2019 12:45

At 16 I was catching 2 buses right across the city to get to college. I never asked or expected my parents to take me to college. My dad did pick me up on my late night but that was because he offered to not because I asked him to.

Gertrudesgarden · 19/12/2019 12:49

It's about time you allowed him to face the consequences of his own behaviour, so he can learn from it. You're doing him a massive injustice by not allowing him to grow up. The real world of employment will come as a horrible shock if you don't let him learn how to deal with it, and the consequences will be far harsher later on. Let him learn now, before the repercussions become too serious. If he's cold, then he's cold. His choice. If he's late, then he's late. His choice. If he's kicked out, then he's kicked out. His choice. Personal responsibility is a massively important attribute and without it, he's never going to get anywhere, but you can't learn it for him. The sooner he cocks up the better - he appears to need to learn the hard way, so let it bloody happen.

BarkandCheese · 19/12/2019 12:55

Stop feeling guilty, you’re doing him absolutely no favours by not letting him take responsibility for his actions. You know all those useless child men fed up women post about on here? This is what creates them. Tell him that from next term barring emergencies there will be no more lifts, and stick to it.

paranoidmum2 · 19/12/2019 13:26

You are doing him no favours by pandering to him.