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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for NOT taking him to college anymore?

180 replies

SunshineAngel · 19/12/2019 11:00

DSS is in his first year at sixth form college. He chose not to go to the one attached to his school, but one that is on the other side of town.

We bought him a bus pass at the start of the year, which costs £100 per term. The college bus leaves at 8am, and the bus stop is on our road, on the same side as our house, about 20 feet away.

The thing is, he keeps missing the bus. DP has to leave for work at 7, so makes sure he's awake. I get up at 7.30, so can hurry him along to some extent .. but no matter how much we encourage him, he still misses the bus regularly.

Since it got colder, he's refused to leave 5 mins earlier than the bus arrives, saying he won't sit in the cold, so he leaves at 7.59 - by which point the bus has sometimes already sailed past. Just to add, he has a lovely warm coat and gloves, which he refuses to wear, because it's 'uncool'. He also won't wear hoodies, so he sits at the bus stop in a t shirt, jeans and trainers. I'm not surprised he's cold.

Anyway. When he misses the bus, he comes home again and asks for a lift. There are other buses that go to the other side of town, but the timings mean that he would be at least 20 minutes late, missing registration and the first 5 mins of his first lesson - so one non-attendance point and one late mark already.

I have taken him a couple of times because I don't want him getting disciplined for being late, but I am supposed to be sitting at my desk at 9am, so if I take him, it then makes ME late. Not to mention it's a 30 minute drive in the opposite direction to where I need to go, so it's taking time, using petrol, NOT nice to drive across town at that time in the morning, and we've already paid for his bus pass. Not to mention there's always a negative atmosphere in the car because I'm not happy that I have to drive across town and be late for work, and he's not happy that I've lectured him on leaving the house late again.

I have told him this morning - after taking him AGAIN - that enough is enough, and from January if he's late, he's late. I wouldn't mind if it was the odd time and there was a reason, but we're literally next door to the bus stop, and he just won't leave 5 minutes earlier, which is all it would take. He also phones us quite regularly at 5pm asking for a lift home, because he's been messing around with his mates and missed the college bus back. Again, there are other buses, but this would involve effort and a 10 minute wait in the cold. What's the point in paying for a bus pass when he clearly doesn't want to use it! He should have gone to the local sixth form if he wanted lifts every day, as I could have dropped him off before work then like I did when he was at school (or, even, he could have walked, as it's about a 10 minute walk ffs).

When I was at college I walked there and back, and when I was at uni I had to take a bus, a train, and then walk for half an hour - leaving at 5.30 to get in for 9am!! I don't think leaving the house at 7.55am is all that bad to be honest.

But.

I know for a fact I will feel super, super guilty letting him be late.

My partner has said just leave him to it, as at 16 he's old enough to take responsibility, and if he makes the choice to leave too late, it's his own fault. But it's easier for him, as he's already at work at that point!

AIBU for not taking him anymore?

OP posts:
Devereux1 · 19/12/2019 15:55

And OP, print this thread out and show the lazy, selfish oik.

Mrsjayy · 19/12/2019 15:55

If he phones the grandparents again and they give you grief say he has a bus pass or get his dad too, he sounds such a little prince .

FGSJoanWhatsWrongWithYou · 19/12/2019 15:59

If I were his dad, I would punish him for taking advantage of his grandparents. I'd be livid.

MellowBird85 · 19/12/2019 16:01

He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions and grow up. What an entitled brat he sounds. Stop giving lifts. Stop feeling guilty. You’re really doing him no favours bailing him out all the time.

Spitsandspots · 19/12/2019 16:04

he's phoned DP's parents who live 10 mins away, who then have to get dressed and get out of bed to take him. So I've had a lot of grief off them for not taking him, as that's meant them having to get up

So he has everyone’s dancing to his tune!

He is going to have a shock out in the real world. DP needs to have a stern word with him and a talk to his parents too to make sure they refuse to take him. His course, he needs to get himself there.

YANBU.

IdblowJonSnow · 19/12/2019 16:04

I did this to my mum one too many times making her late for her job in a school.
Where we lived there were no buses to anywhere so the day she fucked off without me I was house bound ALL day. And very bored.
Didn't do that again!

MinnieMountain · 19/12/2019 16:06

His father says to leave him, so leave him.

Your DP needs to have a word with his parents.

billy1966 · 19/12/2019 16:07

I don't like being kept waiting.
At various times my sons have kept me waiting in the morning as I was dropping them to school.

I made it clear a couple of times that I had early appointments and needed to be back on time , so they had better not delay me.

They did of course. So I drove off with one or other of them left behind. I also only partially dropped them another couple of mornings.

They have the message now...."don't keep her waiting".

OP, You are making an issue, that is not your problem, your problem!

Do not become involved.

"Sorry that doesn't suit me", to any requests for lifts, going forward.

He will only get worse.....they don't improve of their own accord, in my experience.

He'll catch on quickly 😉

Equanimitas · 19/12/2019 16:07

We appear to have a snowflake entitled generation now.

ODFOD. There are plenty of entitled people of all generations.

PhilomenaChristmasPie · 19/12/2019 16:09

Why are you taking him to college? I don't even take DD 12 (yr7) to secondary school!

Devereux1 · 19/12/2019 16:12

If I were his dad, I would punish him for taking advantage of his grandparents. I'd be livid.

Me too. I wouldn't just try to make a nice new arrangement from now on, I'd demand the lazy twit to pay back the £100 bus far, apologise to you both, do chores for 3 months for being so rude and making you late, apologise to his grandparents and do chores round his grandparents for 4 months.

Dreadful behaviour.

fedup21 · 19/12/2019 16:12

What I haven't mentioned is that, on the occasions I've said no, he's phoned DP's parents who live 10 mins away, who then have to get dressed and get out of bed to take him. So I've had a lot of grief off them for not taking him, as that's meant them having to get up.

Your DH needs to spell out to them what’s happening. Surely they don’t want you to be late for work every day because he can’t be arsed to leave the house on time to catch a bus.

Stop enabling your stepson-he will turn out an entitled adult who you won’t enjoy spending any time with. Sort it ASAP.

Hatscarfandgloves · 19/12/2019 16:13

When my eldest started secondary school at 11 I showed her the alternative route (a mile walk, a train journey and another mile walk) should she ever miss the school bus. She has never missed the bus so far (5 + years in). I can't believe you've taken him up until now. Of course yanbu to stop.

JustASmallTownCurl · 19/12/2019 16:14

Can I move in OP?! 😉

As it's an attitude issue I would have said to him sooner that no more lifts and worked out the number of days he missed the bus because he couldn't be arsed - then get him to pay back the equivalent cost.

safariboot · 19/12/2019 16:14

YANBU.

He's old enough to take responsibility for his own travel. If he's late he's late, he can either learn not to be or he can take the consequences.

And tell his grandparents that whether or not they give him a lift is their choice but you and DP aren't giving lifts and that's that. Tell them that their grandson is only begging for lifts because he's leaving it too late to leave the house in the morning.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/12/2019 16:33

Get your DH to speak to the GParents. It’s too easy to paint you as the wicked stepmum. If they know your DH has said no then they may react differently.

My DS1 would happily have us ferry him everywhere if he could get away with it. He knows we won’t and is fine with that but it doesn’t stop him asking Wink. Your DSS is not unusual in asking but it is OK to say no.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/12/2019 16:36

His Dad needs to rip him a new one for taking advantage of his parents (and you).

Seriously, he needs to sit down with his DS and tell him to man the F up.

And he needs to tell his parents to stop pandering to him too.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/12/2019 16:36

*taking advantage of his grandparents I mean.

RuggerHug · 19/12/2019 16:42

Fuck that!!! Does he work/get any money? Tell him he makes his own way or pays for taxis. He can't afford them then he walks. And he needs to pay for the bus ticket!!

HanginWithMyGnomies · 19/12/2019 16:48

@SunshineAngel does he feel guilty that you’re late for work? No! Stop it, he’s 16 and playing you like a fiddle.. cheeky little monkey.

WaggleWiggle · 19/12/2019 16:55

You are clearly very kind-hearted but this is just going to lead to a man who is disorganised, late and irresponsible because he’s never faced any real consequences to being all of those things as a 16 year old. No employer will tolerate this. Neither should you. He’s got it on a plate with a bus stop right by his house. At 11, I was doing a 15 minute walk followed by about 6 stops on a train and then another 15 min yet walk to school. He’s becoming spoiled. Absolutely put a stop to it - no more lifts.

TeaForTara · 19/12/2019 16:58

He has to learn that his decisions and actions have consequences. Your DP must tell his parents not to pander to him. It will do him no favours later in life. And do not let them give you grief over it. Your DP is on your side - that should make it a whole lot easier for you to stand up for yourself.

Alternatively, how much would a taxi fare be? Does he get pocket money / an allowance? Deduct the amount of the taxi fare from his allowance each time you give him a lift. When he's down to zero, no more lifts.

SunshineAngel · 19/12/2019 17:43

@JustASmallTownCurl Course you can. You can take him to college! Hahaha. Kidding.

On a serious note people, thank you. I think this has as much to do with me overcompensating as anything else, as I don't want to be seen as "evil step mum".

But this has indeed made me see that he shouldn't be asking for lifts. My partner will have a word with him and his parents about it too. I agree about it not helping him prepare for the world after college.

I am too much of a soft touch, and I think I lack in proper parental skills because I am - ultimately - not his real parent, and don't have children of my own.

Sorry for the thread, I just feel like a complete failure when it comes to step parenting (though of course, if I wasn't there, he would HAVE to be late, as his dad wouldn't be there in the morning regardless of whether I was or not).

OP posts:
Marriedtoapenguin · 19/12/2019 17:45

Stop all lifts. Stop grandparent lifts.

One more chance with a parental paid bus pass. Tell him he keeps wasting it he will have to get a job.

SunshineAngel · 19/12/2019 17:45

Out of interest, if anyone sees this, what do you think about lifts at other times? His bus pass covers him at all times, and he has to be in for 10.30 so still plenty of buses - but he will ask for lifts quite regularly if he's going into town with his mates etc.

It sounds pathetic (like many things I say haha), but things are a bit tight atm, so can do without wasting fuel when he actually does have a way to get there. But, like college, he leaves it until the last minute, so 20 minutes before they need to meet .. so if we made him get a bus he'd miss the start of a film, or ordering food at a meal.. or whatever.

Are we tight for expecting him to make his own way to places?

OP posts:
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