AIBU for NOT taking him to college anymore?

[SunshineAngel]

DSS is in his first year at sixth form college. He chose not to go to the one attached to his school, but one that is on the other side of town.

We bought him a bus pass at the start of the year, which costs £100 per term. The college bus leaves at 8am, and the bus stop is on our road, on the same side as our house, about 20 feet away.

The thing is, he keeps missing the bus. DP has to leave for work at 7, so makes sure he's awake. I get up at 7.30, so can hurry him along to some extent .. but no matter how much we encourage him, he still misses the bus regularly.

Since it got colder, he's refused to leave 5 mins earlier than the bus arrives, saying he won't sit in the cold, so he leaves at 7.59 - by which point the bus has sometimes already sailed past. Just to add, he has a lovely warm coat and gloves, which he refuses to wear, because it's 'uncool'. He also won't wear hoodies, so he sits at the bus stop in a t shirt, jeans and trainers. I'm not surprised he's cold.

Anyway. When he misses the bus, he comes home again and asks for a lift. There are other buses that go to the other side of town, but the timings mean that he would be at least 20 minutes late, missing registration and the first 5 mins of his first lesson - so one non-attendance point and one late mark already.

I have taken him a couple of times because I don't want him getting disciplined for being late, but I am supposed to be sitting at my desk at 9am, so if I take him, it then makes ME late. Not to mention it's a 30 minute drive in the opposite direction to where I need to go, so it's taking time, using petrol, NOT nice to drive across town at that time in the morning, and we've already paid for his bus pass. Not to mention there's always a negative atmosphere in the car because I'm not happy that I have to drive across town and be late for work, and he's not happy that I've lectured him on leaving the house late again.

I have told him this morning - after taking him AGAIN - that enough is enough, and from January if he's late, he's late. I wouldn't mind if it was the odd time and there was a reason, but we're literally next door to the bus stop, and he just won't leave 5 minutes earlier, which is all it would take. He also phones us quite regularly at 5pm asking for a lift home, because he's been messing around with his mates and missed the college bus back. Again, there are other buses, but this would involve effort and a 10 minute wait in the cold. What's the point in paying for a bus pass when he clearly doesn't want to use it! He should have gone to the local sixth form if he wanted lifts every day, as I could have dropped him off before work then like I did when he was at school (or, even, he could have walked, as it's about a 10 minute walk ffs).

When I was at college I walked there and back, and when I was at uni I had to take a bus, a train, and then walk for half an hour - leaving at 5.30 to get in for 9am!! I don't think leaving the house at 7.55am is all that bad to be honest.

But.

I know for a fact I will feel super, super guilty letting him be late.

My partner has said just leave him to it, as at 16 he's old enough to take responsibility, and if he makes the choice to leave too late, it's his own fault. But it's easier for him, as he's already at work at that point!

AIBU for not taking him anymore?

OK so he has loads of pocket money. Well then, he can spend it on taxis if he misses the bus, can't he? His choice. Give him the phone number of a local taxi firm and leave him to it. At the moment, with you giving him lifts, he gets all the benefits and you get all the disadvantage so why would he ever trouble himself to get the bus? Make it so that the alternative isn't so attractive to him.

Would agree that you're not actually helping him here. Adults who think they're too good for public transport are utterly pathetic. Getting himself around is a life skill. You're going to have to be cruel to be kind and make it a group effort. That being said, yes, do give plenty of notice because you've created a status quo.

OP, I have a dear friend who is a SM and she has to deal with terribly behaved stepchildren. They also do what your stepson does. She won't have any of it though.
When they know an adult is about to go somewhere in the car, they delay leaving. They start fiddling with things in the kitchen, I've seen it with my own eyes, start chatting to their Dad when they barely had a word to say to anyone in days, they go up and down the stairs umpteen times to look really busy, and then comes.. "Oh, you couldn't give me a lift could you, I'll probably miss my bus now?" [puppydog eyes].

If they get a yes from their doormat Dad, I've seen them smirking, oh yes, got away with it again, fools.
If they get a no, then the super hurt act comes, "Oh, I'll just have to wait for the next bus and be late then...", droopy face, sorrow, anguish, painful expression and all that.
Then they wait for the cave in.
Sometimes it comes from their weak Dad, sometimes he even tries to pressurise my friend to drop everything she's doing to drive them. Once one of them even looked at me. After I told him in no uncertain terms with a you-can't-play-me chuckle, "You've had ages to get ready, now you're late, you're not going to make me run around for you!", they've never dared ask me again.

You are very, very lucky OP that your husband sees through his son's games. That's 90% of the battle won. Many SMs don't have this, they have weak men who want to please their children more than give them what they actually need.

Say no. You are doing no favours to the SS, to your partner, and most importantly to yourself by being subservient to him.

@Devereux1 Thinking about it now, this is SO familiar! He will start doing silly things, so perhaps he is missing the bus on purpose.

Part of me wonders whether perhaps there is someone on the bus he doesn't like/is bullying him, but then again his bus pass covers all buses, and he can just as easily use public ones as the designated college one.

---

We have had a chat to him anyway, and he now knows with certainty that he will not be getting any lifts in the new year. We have said that, where circumstances are out of his control (don't have a clue what they might be), we might - but not being arsed getting up and ready on time is not an excuse anymore.

I will also be staying in a bed a little longer and having a half hour lie in, as I only used to get up early to make sure he was getting ready. Everyone here is quite right, he's old enough to do this. And if he doesn't, it's his future and his education. His choice.

Thanks to everyone who has been so kind. I hope I didn't sound too pathetic.

FWIW I have an anxiety disorder and can't bare people thinking badly of me - which is perhaps why I sometimes act like a bit of a doormat and try to please as much as possible. But I am addressing this aspect of my life anyway, so here's hoping that gets better soon, too!

Sunshine, I hope you/his dad also told him he must not call his grandparents for lifts, unless it's a genuine emergency.

@MarySidney Yes definitely. His dad told him it was disgusting to expect two people in their 80s to get out of bed and come out in the freezing cold because he couldn't get his arse out of bed.

What did he have to say to that?

SunshineAngel

@Devereux1 Thinking about it now, this is SO familiar! He will start doing silly things, so perhaps he is missing the bus on purpose.

I can guarantee he is.

Part of me wonders whether perhaps there is someone on the bus he doesn't like/is bullying him
Pop that part of you back in its box; there is nobody bullying him. He is playing you = mistreating you.

We have said that, where circumstances are out of his control (don't have a clue what they might be), we might

Don't give him this get out. Everything will be "out of his control". Think about it, if things are out of his control, he just has to face the consequences of that too. That is life.

I will also be staying in a bed a little longer and having a half hour lie in, as I only used to get up early to make sure he was getting ready.

I wish I could have introduced you to my friend months ago, given you a hug, and assured you that you never had to do that.

FWIW I have an anxiety disorder and can't bare people thinking badly of me - which is perhaps why I sometimes act like a bit of a doormat and try to please as much as possible. But I am addressing this aspect of my life anyway, so here's hoping that gets better soon, too!

Fantastic. The SS sees vulnerability and a kind heart, and is going in fully to suit his own selfish, lazy demands. Get stronger, stand up to him, and just a final tip - he'll be a bit confused by the new you, he'll try and come up with something else, it'll probably look even more in need, or desperate, or he'll try to get you on his side with a "poor me" act. Remember, it's a very cunning act.

Stop enabling him.

perhaps he is missing the bus on purpose.

Of course he is! Because he knows he'll get a nice cosy door to door lift instead.

@JacobReesClunge He just sort of grunted and said okay while keeping his head down .. pretty typical teenage boy response I'd imagine.

Don't know if he took us 100% seriously, but that's not my problem. He'll soon find out we do mean it.

@BikeRunSki "Enabling" must be in the top 10 most-used words on this site.

Anyhow. Thanks for your incredibly helpful and enlightening response. If you'd read the thread you'd have seen it's sorted.

Great that you've had that chat with him and hope it turns around in the New Year. Thank you for the update.

I've never taken my college age children to college (aside from emergencies of course) - despite being rural and very reliant on the buses.

At 16 it is their choice to continue their studies. They have to be there because they don't get financial help in the form of UC etc that young but at this point they are studying for their futures and they need to be actually interested in their futures for everything to work well.

Definitely leave him to it next term and if he's only your step son then you haven't even got parental guilt to contend with!

i would suggest his father actually gets him out of bed at 7am, removes the covers and makes him get up so that when you come along at 7.30am he is dressed and eating breakfast, no excuse to be late... my 11 yr old gets himself up and gets ready every morning and he does it early as if hes completely ready to go he can use the pc until it is time to go, so he is on the ball for that you tube time

Glad you and DH are on the same page and I’m sure he’ll learn quickly in the new year when you stand firm and don’t give him a lift!

Re: lifts at other times - he can ask but my parents never did. We lived in a village, buses were irregular but I had to plan around them my Dad wasn’t going to ferry me into town just so I could go to the cinema. Either I got myself there or I missed the film. He’d soon learn when he misses the start of the film or whatever. It’s not the worst thing in the world, although you think you’re doing him a kindness actually you’re not. He sounds lazy and spoilt, and the sooner he has to be self sufficient the better!

We are having similar issues with my 12 year old - he just keeps going back to bed after being got up. We do give him a lift but we need to leave by 8 to be able drop him and his sister off so we can get to work. Almost everyday we are late so have said the same as you. If he isn't ready by 8 we are going and he walks the 3 miles to school and will be late. So far we haven't done this but its been close - frozen wind screens have been his saviour so far!

He needs to face the consequences of his actions.

Good for you!

Is he back at college yet? How's it going, OP?

Jesus, I used to get up at 5am to get a bus, a train, and then a 30 minute walk to college every day to be there for 9am. And I worked to pay for my own travel! Do not take him, he needs to grow up!

Good for you, OP, you and your DH have handled it brilliantly!

Like you, I had to get myself to school and college by bike or on the bus, in all weathers, I don't think I ever had a lift.

Of course, my DD gets a lift every morning (taking me in the wrong direction for work) but that's because there's no bus service there. It's a right pain.

Been there, got the t shirt ... so worried the selfish little monster wouldnt attend, spent hours driving him there, picking up and so forth ... it's almost the last thing you do while they are still technically a child ... just wait to you get to learning-to-drive.

I know for a fact I will feel super, super guilty letting him be late.

You'd feel guiltier for raising a man who doesn't know how to take responsibility for his own actions & doesn't 'get' the need to be on time for work because he's always been shielded from the consequences.

I would be telling him that unless he now proves he is adult enough to get to college on time, & get himself home afterwards without whinging to mummy, that he is not yet grown up enough to go to 6th form college, & will need to re-apply to his school.

(No idea if that's possible, but it's what he needs to hear.)

@SunshineAngel your stepson needs a reality check! In Scotland 16 year olds can live independently, they are treated like adults, because that's what they are! Everyone pandering to him is awful! Just think of the life a future partner will have if he's used to getting his own way all the time

As for phoning his grandparents, perhaps your husband should have a word with them prior, and explain that you are trying to teach him some basic life skills and responsibility! And that he has been warned time and again about his timekeeping, and that by giving lifts you're doing him no favours...