AIBU for NOT taking him to college anymore?

[SunshineAngel]

DSS is in his first year at sixth form college. He chose not to go to the one attached to his school, but one that is on the other side of town.

We bought him a bus pass at the start of the year, which costs £100 per term. The college bus leaves at 8am, and the bus stop is on our road, on the same side as our house, about 20 feet away.

The thing is, he keeps missing the bus. DP has to leave for work at 7, so makes sure he's awake. I get up at 7.30, so can hurry him along to some extent .. but no matter how much we encourage him, he still misses the bus regularly.

Since it got colder, he's refused to leave 5 mins earlier than the bus arrives, saying he won't sit in the cold, so he leaves at 7.59 - by which point the bus has sometimes already sailed past. Just to add, he has a lovely warm coat and gloves, which he refuses to wear, because it's 'uncool'. He also won't wear hoodies, so he sits at the bus stop in a t shirt, jeans and trainers. I'm not surprised he's cold.

Anyway. When he misses the bus, he comes home again and asks for a lift. There are other buses that go to the other side of town, but the timings mean that he would be at least 20 minutes late, missing registration and the first 5 mins of his first lesson - so one non-attendance point and one late mark already.

I have taken him a couple of times because I don't want him getting disciplined for being late, but I am supposed to be sitting at my desk at 9am, so if I take him, it then makes ME late. Not to mention it's a 30 minute drive in the opposite direction to where I need to go, so it's taking time, using petrol, NOT nice to drive across town at that time in the morning, and we've already paid for his bus pass. Not to mention there's always a negative atmosphere in the car because I'm not happy that I have to drive across town and be late for work, and he's not happy that I've lectured him on leaving the house late again.

I have told him this morning - after taking him AGAIN - that enough is enough, and from January if he's late, he's late. I wouldn't mind if it was the odd time and there was a reason, but we're literally next door to the bus stop, and he just won't leave 5 minutes earlier, which is all it would take. He also phones us quite regularly at 5pm asking for a lift home, because he's been messing around with his mates and missed the college bus back. Again, there are other buses, but this would involve effort and a 10 minute wait in the cold. What's the point in paying for a bus pass when he clearly doesn't want to use it! He should have gone to the local sixth form if he wanted lifts every day, as I could have dropped him off before work then like I did when he was at school (or, even, he could have walked, as it's about a 10 minute walk ffs).

When I was at college I walked there and back, and when I was at uni I had to take a bus, a train, and then walk for half an hour - leaving at 5.30 to get in for 9am!! I don't think leaving the house at 7.55am is all that bad to be honest.

But.

I know for a fact I will feel super, super guilty letting him be late.

My partner has said just leave him to it, as at 16 he's old enough to take responsibility, and if he makes the choice to leave too late, it's his own fault. But it's easier for him, as he's already at work at that point!

AIBU for not taking him anymore?

no do not give him lifts - unless you are heading anywhere in particular anyway... he needs to learn to mind his time -

Then he misses the film or whatever. When his mates aren't waiting for him it might give him the kick up the arse to be on time.

If he's old enough to go out until 10.30 he's old enough to make his own arrangements. He really knows how to play you, doesn't he? Why should you be inconvenienced just because he doesn't want to organise himself to go out in time to get the bus?

Things being a bit tight is of course relevant to you, but even if you were rolling in money, I'd say stop the lifts. You should be making your own plans (a "quiet night in" is a perfectly valid plan) for your own life and not constantly have to interrupt them just because he is a lazy arse who likes to be taxi'd about everywhere.

Again, how is he paying for these meals and movies if money is tight at home? Charge him the taxi fare as per my earlier suggestion and money won't be so tight for you!

Don't enable him and don't take him again (unless really extenuating circumstances which he couldn't help and it won't make you late). He needs to learn to get himself there and back. You have been fair in warning him that in January you can't take him, so he should take some responsibility for himself and use the bus from now on. That would drive me bonkers!!

Use your common sense. If he is late because he has been faffing - his problem. If he is late because of something outside of his control and he isn’t being an arse - give him a lift. Likewise if he is on time but it is pouring then maybe.

This isn’t about right or wrong. It’s a learning curve. I’ve never patented a teenager before either. I look at it this way, if my main concerns are relatively trivial we are doing OK.

parented

Your stepson should be the one feeling guilty, OP, not you. You are risking being late for your own work, with the risk of real consequences! Meanwhile he has an easy life and you are doing him no favours letting this continue. He will find out the hard way that employers won't put up with this. I'm sure you and your husband wouldn't want that. I know a step-parent's role is sometimes difficult, but your husband agrees that he needs to learn.

Given that he doesn't use it, don't waste £100 on a travelcard for next term.
Give the "uncool" coat and gloves to a shelter - if he doesn't wear them, he won't miss them.

WTF is he planning to do if he gets a job at some point?

Make him use the bus each and every time he wants to go somewhere to save you precious time, fuel costs and of course to get the value out of his bus pass. That's what it's for. You are not a bloody taxi service so stop allowing him to treat you like one. After saying No a couple of times he'll soon learn to get himself to the bus on time, be it for college or town to meet his mates.

If you weren’t already having issues I’d say do it if you want.

But he needs a reality check. At some point he’s going to have to take responsibility for himself and it should be now. So say no. If he misses his film - too bad. He should have planned better.

I think it’s nice you’ve been ‘helping’ him in his first term at 6th form, but he’s clearly not thinking it’s you doing him a favour - he thinks he’s owed it. You and DH should sit him down and tell him he’s into his second term now, he won’t be getting lifts there or back unless it’s convenient to you - and he’s not to call on his grandparents either.

He sounds quite pathetic OP. I had my licence at his age and was totally self sufficient and also relied on by my younger siblings to pick them up! If his bus pass covers him then he gets the bus!!

But if you keep on being late for work you could lose your job. Does that not trump him getting a few late marks at school? Him getting a detention or two, versus you actually being sacked?

I'd make him use the bus all the time. Lay on the environmental message - its the issue of his generation, aftetr all! You ferrying him about when public transport is available, as easy as it could possibly be and already paid for, is environmentally wasteful. Plus you're paying twice for every journey. That would really boil my piss.

My sister was taking the buses to school at age 11. Your DSS sounds lazy and selfish.

I used the bus all the time at that age. I had a bus timetable so I could work out which bus to get to arrive in good time. If he misses the film/meal/mates, then so be it. He'll only do it a few times before he realises being late, when everyone has disappeared off, is no fun. His mates will soon get fed up waiting for him and a bit of peer pressure in these situations usually works wonders.

We only do lifts when it's necessary or convenient. Certainly not when it's simply expected due to laziness.

DD is 10yo (Y6) and for the first half term this school year she walked herself to school 3 days a week. We were around for the majority of the time but she had to leave the house when the Google alarm went off. Sometimes she was on her own for an hour before leaving. She was never once late to school. If a 10yo can do it, then why on earth can't your DS?

YANBU. He is nearly an adult and needs to learn how to manage his own time and transport. I walked to school myself at this age, got myself up and ready on time. He's going to be one useless sod if he can't learn to sort this out on his own now.

It really isn’t helping him prepare for life after college. Tell his grandparents that.

We had a new graduate starter at work. She was good, bright, a great fit with existing staff. However quite early into her probationary period she was late. She was still in her former student house and she overslept. She was warned. It happened again and it was explained that it was totally unacceptable and a formal warning. As you can guess, she was late one to many times and was dismissed. She cried, it was awful, despite the warnings she expressed complete surprise and said “I thought you liked me!” - which we all did. However someone who is repeatedly late during their probation period is not someone we can trust with clients and it causes resentment with everyone else, many of whom are dropping off kids and all sorts, who manage to get to work on time.

It was such a shame. Our grads earn well above average and some can be around the 100k mark in about 6 years, without killer hours. Hopefully she learned before starting her next job.

Great advice on here.
Sit him down. Give him advance notice. From January 1st e will no longer be giving you lifts anywhere-you have a Bus pass and appropriate clothing for the weather, we expect you to use them and plan accordingly. In addition do not phone your grandparents-we have told them that they are not to give you lifts either, they are old and need their rest.

Out of interest, if anyone sees this, what do you think about lifts at other times? His bus pass covers him at all times, and he has to be in for 10.30 so still plenty of buses - but he will ask for lifts quite regularly if he's going into town with his mates etc.

When I was a teenager, the rule for me and my siblings was that if we wanted to go somewhere, we made our own arrangements to get there and back, or we didn't go. We lived in an area with good public transport and we had the use of our own two feet.

My dad did a lot of driving for work and it was made clear (by mum) that we should not expect him to spend his weekends ferrying us about.

In fact, I preferred it that way, and I don't really understand why anyone over the age of about twelve would want their parents to be so much involved in their social arrangements if it wasn't necessary.

Oh SunshineAngel, you are sounding a bit of a doormat I'm afraid.

Stand up to him!

@SunshineAngel No, no lifts at any time that the bus is running. I think at that age, lifts are only acceptable if 1. There is no public transport, 2. It's asked at least a day in advance, and 3. DC shows some gratitude.

I think you need to be a bit more hard hearted OP. I’d absolutely stop all lifts to and from college. You just need to steel yourself to not feel guilty if he’s late - that’s on him - or if his grandparents get up and drive him - that’s on them.

As far as other lifts go, I am nice so I might drive him if he’s asked in advance for a particular reason. Emergency lifts because he’s late or lazy no.

When you were 16 did your parents drive you around everywhere? I’m guessing no...

Are you mad? Let him be late. His choice. I know you're giving lifts with the best intentions but he sounds like a spoilt brat.