AIBU for NOT taking him to college anymore?

[SunshineAngel]

DSS is in his first year at sixth form college. He chose not to go to the one attached to his school, but one that is on the other side of town.

We bought him a bus pass at the start of the year, which costs £100 per term. The college bus leaves at 8am, and the bus stop is on our road, on the same side as our house, about 20 feet away.

The thing is, he keeps missing the bus. DP has to leave for work at 7, so makes sure he's awake. I get up at 7.30, so can hurry him along to some extent .. but no matter how much we encourage him, he still misses the bus regularly.

Since it got colder, he's refused to leave 5 mins earlier than the bus arrives, saying he won't sit in the cold, so he leaves at 7.59 - by which point the bus has sometimes already sailed past. Just to add, he has a lovely warm coat and gloves, which he refuses to wear, because it's 'uncool'. He also won't wear hoodies, so he sits at the bus stop in a t shirt, jeans and trainers. I'm not surprised he's cold.

Anyway. When he misses the bus, he comes home again and asks for a lift. There are other buses that go to the other side of town, but the timings mean that he would be at least 20 minutes late, missing registration and the first 5 mins of his first lesson - so one non-attendance point and one late mark already.

I have taken him a couple of times because I don't want him getting disciplined for being late, but I am supposed to be sitting at my desk at 9am, so if I take him, it then makes ME late. Not to mention it's a 30 minute drive in the opposite direction to where I need to go, so it's taking time, using petrol, NOT nice to drive across town at that time in the morning, and we've already paid for his bus pass. Not to mention there's always a negative atmosphere in the car because I'm not happy that I have to drive across town and be late for work, and he's not happy that I've lectured him on leaving the house late again.

I have told him this morning - after taking him AGAIN - that enough is enough, and from January if he's late, he's late. I wouldn't mind if it was the odd time and there was a reason, but we're literally next door to the bus stop, and he just won't leave 5 minutes earlier, which is all it would take. He also phones us quite regularly at 5pm asking for a lift home, because he's been messing around with his mates and missed the college bus back. Again, there are other buses, but this would involve effort and a 10 minute wait in the cold. What's the point in paying for a bus pass when he clearly doesn't want to use it! He should have gone to the local sixth form if he wanted lifts every day, as I could have dropped him off before work then like I did when he was at school (or, even, he could have walked, as it's about a 10 minute walk ffs).

When I was at college I walked there and back, and when I was at uni I had to take a bus, a train, and then walk for half an hour - leaving at 5.30 to get in for 9am!! I don't think leaving the house at 7.55am is all that bad to be honest.

But.

I know for a fact I will feel super, super guilty letting him be late.

My partner has said just leave him to it, as at 16 he's old enough to take responsibility, and if he makes the choice to leave too late, it's his own fault. But it's easier for him, as he's already at work at that point!

AIBU for not taking him anymore?

My eldest is in his first year of 6th form, in a city where we live in one of the village suburbs - it's about 10 miles.
He has a bus pass which covers him within the area at all times.
When he has a 9am start he has to leave the house at just before 7am to get there in time. 10am start means leaving at 7.30am.
He missed the bus once and I drove him part of the way so that he could pick it up closer in.
And twice he just hasn't woken up and missed both the 7am and 7.30am busses so missed 1st lesson.

If he finishes at 3pm he gets home around 5.20pm, a 4pm finish means getting in at 6.20pm.

I feel quite sorry for him on the days he leaves at 7am and doesn't get back till 6.20pm.

I don't take him in, I could rearrange my hours and journey but it would mean a much longer commute at a worse time for me.
What I do do is pick him up on my way home in a location convenient to me which he can get to on an earlier faster bus (doesn't come through our villages but goes past the turn off to them) if it is at a convienent time to me.
And he is very appreciative of it. He messages or calls me to ask if the timing works for me and if it isn't he just gets the later villages bus.
Occasionally he's made his way to my work on the other side of the city as I've needed to get things finished. It's more of a pain for him but even so gets him home earlier.

He also works Saturdays at a sports centre on the bus route. While he was in yr 11 I drove him in, he starts work at 7.45am. Since getting his bus pass for college and looking at the bus timetable which gets to the sports centre stop at 7.50am (they don't open till 8am so being 5 mins later is okay) I suggested he get the bus. He has to leave home about 10 mins earlier than if I took him. The first time he didn't think I meant it, and didn"t get up in time. I took him but made it perfectly clear I did mean it and since then he has got the bus.

I will give him lifts but only if the bus is totally inconvenient (long waits etc).

Sounds like your partner needs to make it clear to his son he needs to get himself sorted.

And honestly I'd be so mad with him over calling his grandparents.

I used to take the school bus in 6th forms and occasionally I missed it. If I did then my mum would drive me to nearest bus stop (not far from where we lived, but I did have mobility issues due to a chronic illness, so walking it, not approppriate) and then I would get the public bus into town (it was more than an hours journey, so yeah, i'd be noted as late by the school). Nothing bad happened to me as a result. You, OP, on the other hand, could lose your job.... A 6th form student is unlikel;y to be excluded form school as a result of lateness.

He's not making an effort because you constantly help him. He will never change until he has a reason to.

My DD is year 6 and manages to get herself to and from school in the next town by bus. She's 11 and hadn't caught a bus before September. She missed it home on the 2nd day and called me, i was at work. After a brief discussion about when and where the next public bus was, she decided to walk home - it took an hour. She hasn't missed it again!

Could you leave earlier occasionally so if he misses it you're not there to svae the day... No guilt as you haven't said no and I bet he manages. To be fair my 11yr old manages as we are all out before her... She hasn't missed the bus yet...

Leave him to it! He is 16 and perfectly capable of catching a bus.

Get him a bike for Christmas!

And let him deal with his own consequences. Don’t overcompensate for being a stepmum- esp if his dad wouldn’t take him.

Bailing him out is not doing him any favours. Think of the man you hope he will be.... responsible, self-reliant, understanding that his actions do affect other people. You and your DP are the ones who have to teach him to be that man.

My children are similar ages to your ds. No I don't take them everywhere. If it fits with my plans I sometimes do; if they're coming back from London very late at night I might pick them up from the station. My ds codes to cycle everywhere to save money. My DD just gets the bus. She got a summer job this year that looked brilliant on paper but ended up being 3 bus journeys and 75 minutes away because of timings. She had to suck it up because she'd agreed to it. She was late once. Honestly I know you're doing things for what you think are the right reasons but he needs to be allowed to grow up and be independent.

*Out of interest, if anyone sees this, what do you think about lifts at other times? His bus pass covers him at all times, and he has to be in for 10.30 so still plenty of buses - but he will ask for lifts quite regularly if he's going into town with his mates etc.

It sounds pathetic (like many things I say haha), but things are a bit tight atm, so can do without wasting fuel when he actually does have a way to get there. But, like college, he leaves it until the last minute, so 20 minutes before they need to meet .. so if we made him get a bus he'd miss the start of a film, or ordering food at a meal.. or whatever.

Are we tight for expecting him to make his own way to places?*

I despair.

If he wants to go into town with his mates then he takes the bus. He will learn that if he is late he misses the start of films etc and misses out on the fun, so then he learns to leave on time. He learns a vital skill on how to be self sufficient and to plan.

What he's doing is faffing about and then saying he'll be late so you take him in.

You are going to raise a man-child who won't be able to hold down a job or be on time, or be a decent partner to anyone.

My mum never gave us lifts or collected us, mainly because we didn’t have phone growing up.

Try ignoring your phone a few times. Or turn it off. Let him work it out for himself.

It sounds pathetic (like many things I say haha), but things are a bit tight atm, so can do without wasting fuel when he actually does have a way to get there. But, like college, he leaves it until the last minute, so 20 minutes before they need to meet .. so if we made him get a bus he'd miss the start of a film, or ordering food at a meal.. or whatever.

So that's what happens. He won't learn not to faff if you make up the time for him.

My parents didn't even have a car when I was 17. I was 100% responsible for getting myself to college on time by bus, and I did.

He can ask for lifts and you can accept or decline. But I would be well pissed off if he asks and then starts moaning "but if I take the bus I'll be late whaa". Well he should have asked sooner the bloody idiot.

I'd be disinclined to give lifts to hanging out with friends. More willing to for organised sports and such, or a pickup if he's done some bulky and useful shopping. (But he doesn't seem like the kind of teenager who'd lift a finger to do the family grocery shopping!)

Seriously?! How spoilt is this kid?!

When I went to college (this was nearest one for me we were living very rurally at the time) it was a 20-30 min walk, 30 min bus and 45 min train then a 30 min walk at the other end. It was other side of the county!

I loved the responsibility and independence and there was a lot of camaraderie as there were a lot of students travelling the same route, well we’d start with a few from my village and pick more up along the way by the time the train was at destination it was like an exodus! But i have many fond memories of those journeys.

He doesn’t know he’s bloody born!

Natural consequences - he gets his arse in gear, leaves 5 mins earlier your end and sucks up 10 mins wait at the other end and grows the fuck up!

Or else he risks losing his place due to tardiness.

No more lifts!!!

You are making it WAY too easy for him!

BIG drip feed re the grandparents!

Your dp needs to speak to them and tell them they aren’t to bail him out either and better still talk to his son and TELL him he isn’t to even contact them!

“Are we tight for expecting him to make his own way to places?” Absolutely not!

He’ll be an adult in what just over a year? Certainly less than 2 years. You’re not actually doing him any favours by enabling him so much.

Your enabling him, he needs to learn that time keeping is extremely important if he wants to be kept in employment.

Be really clear: it is not possible for me to give you a lift in the mornings. It makes me late for work and I will not risk losing my job. But your DH has to be really emphatic and lay down the law.

I honestly can’t understand why he was given a lift to school, a 10 minute walk away. It really infantilises kids, giving them kids everywhere. It’s made him lazy and expectant that getting a lift is the default.

The grandparents are being ridiculous.

Your DH has to take the lead on putting a stop to all this behaviour. None of his friends will be being ferried about like this, getting people out of bed etc.

He’s 16, he can make his own way into town to meet his mates. If he misses the start of the film, tough, he has to learn to be organised.

@SunshineAngel

I think this has as much to do with me overcompensating as anything else, as I don't want to be seen as "evil step mum"

This is the problem right there, you are threading on egg shells trying to be a good stepmum to this 16 year old and he knows it and is playing on that insecurity. I would be seriously pissed off at him and his grandparents, why are they giving you grief, why are they not giving this lad's father grief, he is the parent and is the one that should be giving him a boot up the arse to get going to college.

The next time any of them say a word to you about this lifts nonsense ask them are they going to pay your bills when you are sacked for being late repeatedly to pander to DSS? Why should his cosy lie in and lift arrangement come at the expense of your career, I don't see anyone suggesting that your DP rearrange his working hours to suit his son's need to not use the bus. Time to get angry OP.

I think this has as much to do with me overcompensating as anything else, as I don't want to be seen as "evil step mum.

It’s a legitimate fear. It is an easy jump for DSC to prefer to blame a step parent rather than their bio parent, especially after any divorce or bereavement that makes them not want to contemplate that their remaining parent on whom they depend could be anything other than dependable. And also because (quite naturally, no criticism) they cannot rely on unconditional love from a step parent, do it is harder to understand that love, and lifts, material goods, freedom from chores etc are very different things.

This is why the other adults need to step up and alongside you. Your DH has no business allowing his son to gully trip and disturb his parents. It is terrible behaviour. If the grandparents are not up to saying no they need to be told they can say ‘sorry, I am not feeling great this morning so need to stay in bed’ or whatever.

And tell your DH that life in the home will be stressful and unhappy if Dss believes you are Evil Stepmum (MN threads passim) . So... step up, DH!

@TeaForTara He gets pocket money from his mum (vascular surgeon, so..) and both sets of grandparents.

It sounds like he's walking over the lot of you.

Up to you if you want to let him continue, but you're enabling a really self-entitled, selfish you man.

*young man.

Stop taking him in the morning and stop going to collect him when he misses the bus home. How is he ever going to learn to take responsibility for himself and get over not wearing practical clothes because it's not cool, if you keep enabling and pandering to his laziness and stupidity over the clothes? Answer: he won't. I was a bit like this as a teenager - was always running late, hated getting up, and also did the freezing rather than wear a coat, but except in exceptional circumstances no lifts were forthcoming from my parents especially if it meant they were going to be late themselves. So I learned that I had to drag my lazy arse out of bed if I wanted to get to school/college on time or I would be kicked off the course. I also learned that being freezing cold and sitting around shivering was not a cool look, in fact I looked like an idiot, so I wore my warm coat and shoes. It's called growing up and something your DSS will need to do in order to survive the adult world. Let him take the consequences of his actions and hopefully he will learn from it and start to take responsibility.

You do know OP, he doesn't appreciate a single thing you do for him? You do know he is playing and laughing about what he makes you do?

None of this is raising his view of you in his eyes, or is going to make him like you more. It's all achieving the opposite, it always does.

I always type more when I feel guilty

love this!!!