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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU for NOT taking him to college anymore?

180 replies

SunshineAngel · 19/12/2019 11:00

DSS is in his first year at sixth form college. He chose not to go to the one attached to his school, but one that is on the other side of town.

We bought him a bus pass at the start of the year, which costs £100 per term. The college bus leaves at 8am, and the bus stop is on our road, on the same side as our house, about 20 feet away.

The thing is, he keeps missing the bus. DP has to leave for work at 7, so makes sure he's awake. I get up at 7.30, so can hurry him along to some extent .. but no matter how much we encourage him, he still misses the bus regularly.

Since it got colder, he's refused to leave 5 mins earlier than the bus arrives, saying he won't sit in the cold, so he leaves at 7.59 - by which point the bus has sometimes already sailed past. Just to add, he has a lovely warm coat and gloves, which he refuses to wear, because it's 'uncool'. He also won't wear hoodies, so he sits at the bus stop in a t shirt, jeans and trainers. I'm not surprised he's cold.

Anyway. When he misses the bus, he comes home again and asks for a lift. There are other buses that go to the other side of town, but the timings mean that he would be at least 20 minutes late, missing registration and the first 5 mins of his first lesson - so one non-attendance point and one late mark already.

I have taken him a couple of times because I don't want him getting disciplined for being late, but I am supposed to be sitting at my desk at 9am, so if I take him, it then makes ME late. Not to mention it's a 30 minute drive in the opposite direction to where I need to go, so it's taking time, using petrol, NOT nice to drive across town at that time in the morning, and we've already paid for his bus pass. Not to mention there's always a negative atmosphere in the car because I'm not happy that I have to drive across town and be late for work, and he's not happy that I've lectured him on leaving the house late again.

I have told him this morning - after taking him AGAIN - that enough is enough, and from January if he's late, he's late. I wouldn't mind if it was the odd time and there was a reason, but we're literally next door to the bus stop, and he just won't leave 5 minutes earlier, which is all it would take. He also phones us quite regularly at 5pm asking for a lift home, because he's been messing around with his mates and missed the college bus back. Again, there are other buses, but this would involve effort and a 10 minute wait in the cold. What's the point in paying for a bus pass when he clearly doesn't want to use it! He should have gone to the local sixth form if he wanted lifts every day, as I could have dropped him off before work then like I did when he was at school (or, even, he could have walked, as it's about a 10 minute walk ffs).

When I was at college I walked there and back, and when I was at uni I had to take a bus, a train, and then walk for half an hour - leaving at 5.30 to get in for 9am!! I don't think leaving the house at 7.55am is all that bad to be honest.

But.

I know for a fact I will feel super, super guilty letting him be late.

My partner has said just leave him to it, as at 16 he's old enough to take responsibility, and if he makes the choice to leave too late, it's his own fault. But it's easier for him, as he's already at work at that point!

AIBU for not taking him anymore?

OP posts:
managedmis · 19/12/2019 13:27

You're doing him a diservice, OP.

Let him grow up.

ACautionaryTale · 19/12/2019 13:53

In the early 90s, II went to a sixth form college aged 14 as I was moved up a couple of years in school.

I had a 20 minute walk to the station, 20 minutes on the train, then a half hour walk or a wait for a bus at the other end. The drive in the car was at most half an hour.

Even if my Dad was off work, it had to be absolutely foul weather for him to give me a lift, and then it was only to the station.

Character building was what I got told. Along with "you manage every other day so you can manage today"

I was NEVER late.

PickAChew · 19/12/2019 13:56

Nah. If he's always bailed out, he's got no reason to try to be on time.

5foot5 · 19/12/2019 13:59

Your partner is completely right. He is 16, you really are doing him no favours by enabling this irresponsible attitude. If he misses the bus he is late. If he misses the bus in the evening let him sort it out or walk. How far would it be to walk anyway?

When I was at VI form I lived in a rural area with little or no public transport and the specially provided bus left at 7:30. If I missed that I probably would have had to miss a whole day of college. I never missed it.

strawberrieshortcake · 19/12/2019 14:06

At 11 years old I travelled an hour or so to my secondary school by train and bus. Nobody was home to take me if I missed the train and if I was late due to train delays I was late.

He is completely spoilt and you are accommodating him. Getting up and out on time is a basic life skill which he should have by his age. Do not drive him again. He is old enough to take responsibility for getting their on time.

lynzpynz · 19/12/2019 14:06

You need to work on your feelings of guilt - ask yourself if you don't teach him now that his actions have repurcussions when will he learn - when he's in a full time job? He needs to learn the hard way and that's the difference between being a parent or a pal. Parents have to sometimes do tough love to help their kids learn life lessons. He's not going to get hurt by you letting him get the bus or be disciplined for being late so let it happen. It will hopefully do the trick that you constantly being his safety net for his bad lazy decision making won't.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/12/2019 14:08

It's his own fault he's late, so you shouldn't be feeling guilty at all.

He's old enough to catch a bloody bus.

I call snowflake!

Petrichor11 · 19/12/2019 14:09

Right now the only one being inconvenienced by his laziness is you. Once it starts inconveniencing him when he has to get the other bus, he’s more likely to realise that going out at 7.55 is much easier than the alternative. I would make him pay his own bus fare too, since you’ve already paid for the college bus.

MsPepperPotts · 19/12/2019 14:18

Yep definitely his responsibility to get himself to college
Leave him lying in bed and leave the house at e.g 7.45 or when he's in the bathroom or bedroom.
Your DH is right, do not keep giving him a lift.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/12/2019 14:20

Leave the house at 7:50. My 16 DS year old happily wears a coat. If they are ready in time they get a lift (16 and 12); if they are not then they get the bus.
They get themselves home.

In London it’s common for secondary school children to get themselves to and from school on public transport. It’s free (or minimal cost) and traffic can be a nightmare.

Minderbinder · 19/12/2019 14:26

A life lesson in how the things we choose have consequences.
You could explain to him that since he chose the college, it's up to him to get there on time.
Unfortunately, it seems he thinks that digging in his heels will get him his own way.

Leeds2 · 19/12/2019 14:27

Let him work it out for himself. Tell him that as from January, and the start of the new term, you will not be taking him to college, or collecting him from college. And don't give in!!
If it makes it easier for you to do this, I would leave for work earlier than I had to for a couple of weeks, just to make sure that you aren't in the house in the morning so he can't ask you. I know you shouldn't have to do this, but it might help.

HundredMilesAnHour · 19/12/2019 14:35

In London it’s common for secondary school children to get themselves to and from school on public transport.

Not just London. I grew up in a village in Lancashire and from age 11, most kids were getting 1-2 buses to get to secondary school. I don't remember anyone ever being late for school.

At 16, those of us who went to college had to get a different bus (only 2 per day). I still don't remember anyone being late or missing the bus. If we missed the bus home, or finished early/late, we walked home across country for an hour (it was quicker than walking by road). No-one would have dreamed of calling their parents for a lift. We wanted to be treated like adults so we behaved like adults.

Stop pandering to him. He needs to grow up.

JustASmallTownCurl · 19/12/2019 14:43

Don't feel guilty - he needs to learn to manage his time, take commitments seriously and deal with consequences.

You aren't doing him any favours at the moment. Those skills are vital for adult life and especially the world of work.

Without learning them now work will be such a shock to him and the repercussions of the same things eg being entitled, bad timekeeping etc are much worse in a job.

You sound lovely but don't be mugged off! If you feel guilty remember the above - you're doing him a disservice by caving to this currently.

lightandairy56 · 19/12/2019 14:47

I have a 11 year old with special educational needs and a disability. Just started secondary school 45 minutes away. He has got himself out of bed and ready for the bus on time every day this term. If he can do it then I'm sure your 16 year old can do so.

When I was 16 (rural area) we had to catch the 739am bus. And the 5.15om bus back from sixth form college. If you missed it that was it for the day / night. We did not miss the bus. Ever. I remember having to sprint to get it (could hear it coming through the village) on multiple occasions but everyone knew you had to catch it or there was trouble.

We appear to have a snowflake entitled generation now. And pandering like this to someone who is old enough to be a father himself is why. Just stop. Tell him he's responsible to getting out of bed and to college on time. No more getting him awake or hurrying him along. Give it four weeks of no-nonsense and no giving in and he will learn. And if he doesn't then he will have to repeat a year a school and then he'll learn.

carly2803 · 19/12/2019 14:49

he isnt 6!! stop taking him, you are absolutely doing him no favours!

he needs to stand on hisown 2 feet,. guess he does not have a job either? time for him to get responsible!

Cuddling57 · 19/12/2019 14:50

Do him a favour by NOT doing him this favour! It will do him the world of good to get there himself and learn this skill.

sonjadog · 19/12/2019 14:53

The best thing you can do for him is teach him to take responsibility for his own transport. By giving him lifts as you have been doing, you are doing the best thing for you (i.e. not putting yourself in a situation where you feel guilty), rather than the best for him. That's not what good parenting is about. At his age, he needs to be learning independence and responsibility for himself. The lifts stop and he takes the consequences. His father is right.

usernamerisnotavailable · 19/12/2019 15:04

Agree with PPs. You're not doing him any favours by enabling this. I'd get his DF to have a long chat with him. Check there are no major issues and that this is laziness rather than deflection of a bigger anxiety about the move to 6th form college (which is pretty huge) and then stop. Let him know that from now on it's on him. If he misses the bus he has to catch the alternative bus making him late. And hold your resolve.

Mrsjayy · 19/12/2019 15:39

I see by your update youwere never late him fannyi ng about probably gives you anxiety just try and ignore it and get yourself ready in the morning.

SunshineAngel · 19/12/2019 15:48

Really really nice to see everyone backing me up here.

What I haven't mentioned is that, on the occasions I've said no, he's phoned DP's parents who live 10 mins away, who then have to get dressed and get out of bed to take him. So I've had a lot of grief off them for not taking him, as that's meant them having to get up.

Of course, they don't HAVE to either, but he's their favourite grandson, so they always do everything he wants.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2019 15:50

His dad needs to tell his parents it’s not your job, you’ve paid for a bus pass and they’re pandering to a lazy teen who needs to grow the fuck up and take some responsibility. How dare they criticise you?

Selfsettling3 · 19/12/2019 15:53

I haven’t read other replies so sorry if I’ve missed an update.

The job of a parent is to prepare your child to be an adult. By driving around you failing to let him learn how to be responsible for himself.

Devereux1 · 19/12/2019 15:54

What I haven't mentioned is that, on the occasions I've said no, he's phoned DP's parents who live 10 mins away, who then have to get dressed and get out of bed to take him. So I've had a lot of grief off them for not taking him, as that's meant them having to get up.

Shock Yep, full snow blizzard in the making here. That's just rude and disrespectful to phone them, who the hell does he think he is?

You and his father need to have a serious talking to him. Not just about getting up, getting ready and getting the bus, but about respectful behaviour to adults. What a pathetic boy.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/12/2019 15:54

What I haven't mentioned is that, on the occasions I've said no, he's phoned DP's parents who live 10 mins away, who then have to get dressed and get out of bed to take him. So I've had a lot of grief off them for not taking him, as that's meant them having to get up.

Whaaaat??? You need to get his father to sort this out and speak to his parents, they're not helping at all, that's spoiled brat behaviour