Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

I can't see the point in the teacher telling the mum to speak to you about it but then speaking to you about it herself/himself. It should be one or the other.

I don't see the problem personally. The child brought it home and maybe the parent has other issues they also need to discuss with you and the teacher already clearly has their hands full dealing with it.
Why is taking away an ipad a punishment? Surely using it shouldn't be a given. I hate to be presumptuous but I have a friend who does this too. The kid is good at home because they spend all their time playing on some sort of device, and misbehaves at school because the stimulation is different and doesn't hold their attention the same. You might have more luck across the home/school board in general if you take up some of their tactics, start a reward chart. The reward gets them so much of ipad time, or a fun activity, stickers etc.

The other mother might have been saying to the teacher “ I think mrssoap needs to do xyz etc” and the teacher might have said “ you should talk to mrssoap about that”

That seems completely wrong and counterproductive. It happened at school, you weren’t there, the teacher needs to deal with it, at the time, in school, and let you know. What’s to be gained by the other parent telling you off about your child’s behaviour? You already feel crap about it.

He isn't on his I pad all the time and I never said he was. He gets to go on it for an hour after school but if he misbehaves he simply does not have it and that's a punishment because he likes to play on it! He hates going to bed before 9 so that's another thing I find works with him. I don't need advice on dealing with his behaviour, he seems to only be really awful at school. As I said, I've had several meetings wit school about his behaviour and things have been put in place for him like reward charts and he's got a one on one. I've also been on 2 parenting courses to help me, so believe me I'm not just a lazy parent that doesn't bother I'm trying my best but I'm not at school when he behaves like this so I can't deal with him there and then, he's not like it at home.

I'm not happy that the teacher told the mum to speak to me as she said she was really angry. But I did post for opinions so I'll think about all you have said, thank you for replying sometimes it helps to have other points of view.

If something happens in school it is for the school to deal with. End of.

You do not ask parents to talk to other parents.

Oh and if the other parent does approach you, I'd simply say that what happens in school is for teachers to deal with and you are not engaging with other parents about your parenting skills or lack thereof. Your child behaves well at home and not at school. Not sure how that's your fault.

@ohprettybaby yes exactly my thoughts. I'm not looking forward to that confrontation either in the school playground 😩 I feel bad enough already, I don't even know who's child it was!

I agree 100% with @BlaueLagune.

If it happens in school then school deal with it.

Encouraging parents to talk to one another about it will just lead to kick offs in the playground, people taking sides etc.

I am also going to ask how old your son is? 9pm seems late as a regular bedtime for a primary school child. What time does he get up in the morning?

I see children yawning their heads off in class and unable to concentrate fully due to just not getting enough sleep.

@AnneLovesGilbert yes that's it, I do already feel bad about it. I hate it that he's like it at school but I am trying my best to do something about it.

How old is your son, OP? I think I would be tempted to go back to school and to say that you are uncomfortable speaking privately with another parent about an issue that's arisen in school, but that if the other parent and school think it would be helpful, maybe you, the other parent and the class teacher could find a time to all speak together? And meanwhile if the parent approaches you you can say that's what you've done and you are waiting for school to decide if it wants to arrange a meeting.

I had similar with DS3 who could be extremely rude and disruptive in primary school. We did sit down with school and another parent over something that had happened in class and I think we all found it really helpful.

@TreeSwayer he is 7. He wakes up at 7.30 in the morning. 9pm is his lights off time, he doesn't struggle to get up in the morning and doesn't seem to be tired, his teacher has never mentioned he's tired in school. This isn't a strict bed time, he will go to bed earlier sometimes it depends as my older children have after school activities which often finish at 8, im a single parent so have to take him with me to collect ect.

You sound to have a system of punishment which sounds to work for you - well done. It sounds like the school does not.

Is it a hideously progressive school? "Tarquin its really rather orf if you stick a knife into Lucinda - pease dont do it again, its frightfully messy and it will make me crawss"

@PoshNorthEssex yes that maybe a good idea.

Your child is disrupting the whole class, this behaviour has to be sorted, theres nothing wrong with the other parent speaking to you. My child told me yesterday that a child with adhd was not very pleasant to him and the adhd child had not been on their medication, well I am sorry adhd or not he should not have done what he done. How are other children supposed to learn if your child is being disruptive?

I don't see why that will help. The school need to be putting things in place to deal with it. Yes he is your son but you are not at school to see it or understand how it happened. Obviously swearing is naughty. Obviously it's wrong. But that parent should of been able to say to her child yes that's a naughty word and we don't use that word.

I think my daughter is improving now. She's nearly 5. But she was being too quiet to start with them she got too lively. She needs quite abit of support I think to get things done. She's smart enough and isn't naughty but she just seems to struggle to grasp things for a while. It's just her personality and sometimes the school have made me feel abit down about it all. Like I say things have got better but I fully expect they will be on my case again.

With your son suggest they do a chart with him etc? They should be able to discipline a child for bad language without needing the other kids parent deal with it! X

I'm struggling to see why it's such a big deal that he swore in front of another child. If it was 'in front of', rather than 'at'?

@Karenisbaren what else do you suggest I do then?

@mbosnz he said "shit" infront of the child. No idea why he said it or in what context but obviously swearing is a no no, as it is at home. I don't let him swear at home, he doesn't actually do it at home anyway really. On the occasion he has I've dealt with it there and then.

@Londongirl86 yes the school have things in place for him. A reward chart and he also has a one on one. I am at the school every week having meetings to discuss ways to improve things, I'm working with them to sort this I'm not sure what else I can do

YANBU. It's up to the teacher to deal with things that happen in school. If you need to be spoken to, it's up to her to do it.

I like how you have an attitude of accepting your child is disruptive and accepting he did swear and was wrong. You dont make excuses for him and accept it happend and are willing to deal with it by supporting the school at home and telling him it's wrong. It's so refreshing lots of parents have a not my child attitude. I agree. The teacher should feed back to complaing parent that u are aware and agree its unacceptable and will be dealing with it at home. I dont see how it's of benefit or a positive experience for either parent to be advised to speak about it. If she does say anything to u. I would just repeat what u said to the teacher. You cant be anything more. Maybe he could write and apology letter 🤷‍♀️ or just say sorry to her. Hold your head high. You are doing all you can by the sounds of it.

If the woman approaches you, goad her into beating you up then sue the school for compo. Sorted. 💰 💰 💰

Seriously though, I agree that what the teacher did was inappropriate. This is a matter for the school to handle during school time and you to support the school at home.

I used to be a primary school teacher and it was NEVER ok to discuss somebody's else's child with a different child's parent..... let alone suggest they meet to discuss it. If this had happened in my classroom I would have dealt with it myself