Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

OP, I agree with you about not putting in a complaint. I don’t think it will help you, despite the schools policy. Glad you feel sorry for her - looks like you understand her frustrations.
I liked another posters idea about writing a letter to the other child. I’ve made my DC write an apology letter to someone for a stupid accident (could have been avoided if he wasn’t behaving in a particular way). He also had to hand deliver the letter and apologise (in front of adults) so it was very humiliating and embarrassing for him, and pay for a present out of pocket money savings. Prior to that I could see that he wasn’t taking it seriously and had gotten away with it, so I had to do something.

To answer your actual AIBU! No your not the teacher shouldn't have told an angry parent to come and talk to you.

I think you must have the patience of a Saint to still be on this thread and answering people so calmly who keep repeating and asking the the same things that you have already answered over and over.

You sound like a great Mum who is doing everything you can for him.

It's the Christmas holidays now.
If I were you I'd forget about it and go have a fab Christmas with your dc.
Then go back in the new year and push for answers regarding whether he has any special needs that could be diagnosed.

Sorry to bring sleep up again but according to all the sleep charts I've looked at, a seven year old waking up at 7.30am should be going to sleep at 8.45 so your not that far off on the couple of nights he goes at 9pm anyway.

My DS has ASD and sometimes used to hit/bite/say horrible things to other children. I always found the parents and apologised - it's just good manners. Luckily everyone was always very nice, but even if they weren't, if your child is in the wrong then facing up to it and saying sorry is surely standard practice?

I meant revoke his ipad on days where he is naughty at school

Struggling to see how this will affect behaviour in school positively. Home and school are two completely different environments with different triggers.

Not the best ersponse, I would tell the school that you are quite able to speak to the mum involved without their intervention, and that you are dealing with the matter. Just be firm with them and don't let them push your buttons. Explain the consequences to your son so he can learn that his behaviors effects you also.

@clairefrasier yeah I thought about the letter thing, but I feel like he needs to write on to all the staff and children at the school!

@RightOnTheEdge Thanks I will do that 😊

@ChristmasConcert i only found out about the incident on Thursday morning after dropping him off and didn't know which child it was as hadn't had chance to talk to my son. I asked my son after school about it so I now know who it was and I did see the mum on school pick up (not knowing it was her who complained) she didn't say anything to me. So no, I haven't had chance to say sorry and now it's the holidays. Also the teacher said she was angry so mayb I don't feel like confronting her?
I may do after the holidays if I bump into her, which isn't often as she doesn't do many school runs.

OP, SEN parent here. I would investigate ADHD. I say this only because of my very similar experiences with my own child who also has Autism. If you can find an “understanding ADHD” course you may find some answers. Good luck.

@mrssoap strange question I know but is your child on any medication?
e. g. Montelukast / singular for asthma. This drug is well known to cause behavioural issues, aggression, sleep problems and depression.
If it is this there is a support group on Facebook.

DS also has ADHD - @TheFormidableMrsC may have a good point. Worth looking into?

I see what you mean about not having a chance to apologise OP - and swearing isn't as bad as physical stuff so as the other Mum didn't say anything I should forget it and enjoy your Christmas....

It sounds as though you are doing your best, it can be hard for some children to behave at school as the routines are different and the pressures are more, and I always found the Christmas term worse as there is so much extra stuff happening, and boring play rehearsals etc - even more chance to get overwhelmed or fed up and become disruptive. It's awful being the parent who keeps getting called over by the teacher at the end of the day - but things will improve. DS has just started secondary and the variety of classes and teachers, and the better behaviour of classmates, has turned him into a different child. Two terms and not one single behaviour incident! Hang in there!

If it happens at school then the school should deal with it.
Not pass it over to parents to deal with.
And also children are not perfect .
This is how they Learn.
Children are little adults with no experience of life.
I've been Pulled into many classrooms over the years with the teachers wanting a WORD about my 3 Autistic children.
My advice to use to the teacher is NO child is perfect !
There human and they make mistakes.
Stay strong,

@TheFormidableMrsC I will definitely look into it.

@YouDancin No, no medication at all.

Thanks @ChristmasConcert and @Jaci08 🌻

Picking up on a couple of things:
You say DS has his work enlarged - on whose advice, and is it actually helpful to him? It might just be making him work harder to handle larger pages and scan across a wider area or make him feel singled out, especially if he still struggles to read anyway. If not already involved, the Senco could refer him to the Local Authority's Sensory/ Vision Impairment team.

You also say he frequently misses playtime for "detention". This is clearly not effective as his behaviour is not changing, and may be contributing to him struggling to concentrate in the next session. It might be better if he had a reward system instead.

I hope you find a way forward so DS becomes happier at school.

Hello,
I have similar issues with my son too, good as gold at home but acts up at school ALL the time. I have tried the same ipad ban at home and earlier bed time but it is really hard punishing at home for what has happened at school... the school should have ways of dealing with the kids then and there rather than us way after the incident has happend
I think the teacher sounds a little weak if she is asking other parents to talk to you. If it were me I would try to get a meeting altogether, with the children as well so everyone can give there account of what happened.

@Apple23 he has to go to hospital for check ups on his eyes regularly and it was them that suggested the enlarged work. His teacher said she thinks that has helped him.
But yes I would imagine he does feel singled out, he has to wear a patch also which I don't think helps.

I feel for you OP. Besides life limiting health conditions, I think it’s every parents worst nightmare to have a very disruptive child. You must already feel stigmatised at the school gates. So the staff should be protecting you rather than shoving you into the metaphorical lion’s den.

I’m sure you are doing everything to sort the behaviour at school out. However I don’t think it’s sensible to see home and school as so separate. You need to work closely with the teachers to align boundaries and consequences of poor behaviour at home and school. Home is where most of a child’s education happens.

As someone who was in a class from age 11 to 16 with a highly disruptive child- who progressed onto pleasuring himself in class - I can say that it has a huge impact on other children’s education. Every single lesson was ruined by him. He had lots of exclusions of course, but was in school 95% of the time and I was in each of his classes. I estimate a fifth of each lesson was wasted due to him. The teachers would also be so exasperated that they we’re not at their best. We were in top set and all the other kids wanted to learn. I did well in my GCSEs but I do wonder about what we all missed out on. The latest I heard is that he got into drugs, dealing, prison.

I’m sure that is extreme. But your child will be having a huge negative impact on other families. Not saying this to make you feel worse, I’m sure it’s already very tough. But you need to tackle his behaviour more holistically and not separate school from home in the way that you seem to be doing.

Good luck and I wish you and your son well. I do really feel for you as it must be so hard.

I feel for your little boy and for you.

Sure it's possible that he has something that could be diagnosed, and it's equally possible that this school is a bad fit for him. Would you consider a forest school or at least a school with a strong emphasis on outdoor activities?

It just sounds as if he's still very much in the phase of his life where moving his body is far more important than academic learning. He's only 7, plenty of time for reading etc. to click into place.

That saying "shit" in front of another kid has become an issue feels like your DS has been marked as The Naughty Kid somehow, and YANBU that the teacher could have handled it quickly & quietly.

What the teacher did was inappropriate but I dare say she is at the end of her tether. Some say that's no excuse whilst conveniently forgetting she's human.

What everyone needs to work out is what is going on with your son. I wonder if he has demand avoidance syndrome?

My friends grandson is almost identical to your son, same age and reasonabley well behaved in his own environment whilst behaving appalling at school: he's on his 2nd suspension.

If the SEN is not involved then they need to be. He needs reviewing.

He said shit, it's not ideal but it's hardly the end of the world. 7 year olds do this all the time. They're pushing their boundaries so how naughty is this really? I can't believe the parent was bothered enough to complain. Do they have no life at all?

@BlueSkyAtChristmas I understand what your saying, that is a worry for me, that he will be a nightmare in his teens and into adulthood.
@Dutch1e Thank you, yes that's the thing he is very active, it's not in his personality to be sat inside for 6 hours a day, he is always wanting to be out.
thanks @FelicisNox I will definitely be looking into him possible have some special needs, to rule it out if nothing else.

I agree with you it should all be done through the school.

and for you OP. You sound like a very caring and committed parent. I’m sure the school teacher feels relieved to be working with you rather than a parent less engaged. I really hope all your hard work pays off and things improve next term. In the meantime try to put it to the back of your mind and enjoy Christmas

Yanbu

Totally wrong of the teacher.

But schools must be seriously exaggerating their poor budgets if they can afford to pay for a 1 to 1 assistant for an undiagnosed child. Genuinely stunned that happens. How are schools able to justify that expense without a diagnosis? And if they are able to allocate £12-£18k a year to one child without much trouble then schools have nothing to complain about with regards to budgets.

Just read this whole thread. I really do feel sorry for your son and you. I disagree with a lot of the replies, you are on your own trying your best to juggle work and 4 children. It is not possible to set a early bed time and ship your children out to be ran to and collected from activities i understand that as a single parent myself with a useless family network and lack of support. Is it possible that your son is in fact being bullied? I know my daughter hated school and now in secondary school she hates it too. I begged for help from my then gp for years and only now at the age of 15 after a total meltdown has it been recognised that she may be on the spectrum-that explains a lot of anxiety, illnesses, depression and acting out at times. May be worth discussing this with your gp. School excluding your son from play/lunch time by giving him detentions will only make him hate going even more and if no understanding from school he will keep acting up due to frustration. I know children say a lot worse that shit in primary school, a’hole, MF and even a child teaching every one how to spell the C word and what it meant happened with my kids. Maybe the teacher doesn’t see or hear any of this as the class is busy. You are doing your very best, hold your head high and i hope you get help with your son. Dad needs to pull his socks up and take some of the load off you. It will all work out 💙

Teachers are at School to teach, NOT to control bad behaviour. I think the Parent did the right thing speaking to you, I would appreciate a mother coming directly to me. It's NOT a school issue. Children go to school to learn and if some children disrupt that learning with behaviour problems - they should be removed from the class so their peers can continue learning and so the teacher can continue his/her job. When did we start expecting teachers to be behavioural specialists?! They have professional job to do. There are agencies for support for children with behavioural issues, that's where parents should seek advice if they need help with behaviour for their children. There are so many teachers leaving the profession now due to stress for many different reasons, not just the working expections on them but also the behaviour problems their expected to handle.

Maybe the setting is wrong for your child. I moved my child due to a change of management and failed teaching standards once management had changed at his previous setting. In his new setting with amazing staff and a wonderful Headteacher he's now thriving and is extremely happy. There are agencies out there who are more than willing to help, speak to the School SENCO. If the School are really struggling with your child, they should be referring him to a behavioural specialist to help you as a family. The teachers should not be expected to deal with behaviour though not when it stops them from teaching the other children.

Glitter7 you've clearly never been a teacher. Ironically teaching is at best 20% of a teacher's job. Behaviour and classroom management are central. Sadly so is paperwork, statistical analysis, and hoop jumping, which are far more of a reason for teacher burn out than behaviour...

There are agencies for support for children with behavioural issues
Clearly also not had a child with behavioural issues. If only there were any such agencies and they did stop children having behavioural issues.