Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

@ScrimshawTheSecond no not really, I've asked him why he acts the way he does and he says it's because he hates school. That's all he says about it. Don't get me wrong he isn't always good at home, but I do feel in control at home, like the way I deal with it gets results at home, just doesn't seem to work at school. I punish him if the teacher tells me what he's done but I think half of it she doesn't tell me and I'm not completely sure how it's dealt with at school other than he spends a lot of time in detention.

FFS the teacher is not a mediator

I really don't see the point of the teacher telling the other parent to talk to you. He isn't remote control, you can not monitor him from at home.

What does your son say is the reason for his misbehaviour in school?

To all the people picking at the bedtime - the OP has already said that 9pm works for their family as there are other children with activities and it is just her.

It can be like drawing teeth trying to get kids to open up! He probably has a lot of hurt buried and is scared to even look at it, let alone share it.

Can I suggest going out for a milkshake or something with him, some regular 'special time' just the two of you. Don't batter into the subject straight away, wait until he's relaxed and then raise it and see if you can get past 'I hate school'. Mostly, let him know that you love him and you want to help him. Just gently see if you can start to tease out the problem and get to how he's feeling.

I know my son's patterns very well by now - if something's upset him he'll act up, be a total pain. I then have to grit my teeth and gently ask what's wrong. Eventually he'll get to 'it's boring', then I know I'm on track. I keep going with more patient listening, not getting angry (at least not showing it), staying supportive and encouraging, and eventually I'll get to the problem. Once he's let me know what it is, maybe had a bit of a cry or a rant, he's generally about 80% better and back to my lovely boy again. It's all about emotional regulation.

It is bloody hard work, I won't lie, but it's a thousand times better than the massive, endless fights and tantrums we used to have. Just a case of building trust and allowing him to have a space where he can open up and tell me what the problem is.

Special needs can be in varying degrees. My son really struggled in one class because it was chaotic, very messy and there was masses of stuff stuck up on the walls. (Some kids thrive on this kind of stimulus; some get very anxious). We asked for him to be moved seats so he wasn't looking at the worst wall, this did help a bit.

Also finally getting a diagnosis of dyslexia really helped. Instead of being shouted at for not trying, he was given extra help. This has turned things around.

Sounds like you're doing you're best, OP. Sending you best wishes, hope things improve for you soon.

@sillysmiles he just says it's because he hates school. He won't say anything else.

I really don’t agree with “it happened in school so school deal with it”. The child is still yours, at school or not.

The parent shouldn’t be speaking to you about it but I think disciple at home in relation to behaviour at school is what is needed here. Get a run down from the teacher after each day and punish/reward accordingly. You don’t drop a child at school and lose all responsibility for it.

@ScrimshawTheSecond thank you, I will try that over the holidays, spend some time just the 2 of us. I do feel like he is frustrated a lot of the time, just not sure why.

@Mymycherrypie please read all my replies. I do deal with his behaviour that he does in school. I don't have the attitude "dropping off and he's not my problem" that is not the case.

I agree with what LongWalkShortPlank said about iPads but overall, it is not reasonable to ask another parent to speak to you directly.

A child disrupting the class at the age of 7 has special needs!!! This DC has one to one help to keep him focussed. That is costing the school a lot f money and they have identified that he needs help. The problem is that they do not understand why his behaviour is like this.

No one ever thinks behaviour issues are needs, but they are. That is why, in my village, there is a apecial school precisely for these DC when behaviour cannot be controlled at secondary school. Special needs are not just low attainment academically and dyslexia. It is far more complex than that.

The good behaviour at home can often be explained by just chilling in his own environment OP. When does he do his reading, writing and maths homework?Does he happily do this? What after school clubs does he do? Where else is he required to behave appropriately when not at home? Anywhere? School is far more about timetables and rules and not doing what you want, when you want, and having a fun time at home. As home is far more about chiling out, having a chat and doing what you want, so the requirements of school become a challenge.

It was me who asked about policing his ipad.I think 30 minutes earlier bed time might help. But it is hardly the answer. Can he settle down if he goes to bed earlier?

The attitude from some pp on here to swearing chidren is just awful. Stop children doing this. It limits language acuisition. They need to express themselves clearly and accurately. They should not copy poor language from adults. They should be encouraged not to use swearing in inappropriate places. Some work places would not tolerate it and neither will some schools.

I would not speak to the other parent if you are approached. Just say the school is dealing with it (chatting to parents is not in the behaviour policy). What on earth could you say? So "no" to a meeting with the other parent as well. I think many posters have never read a behaviour policy in a school - but should do so.

Seems strange. Our school (and most I'm aware of) will tie themselves in knots not to have parents tall to each other about those kinds of situations. DD has had way more serious situations with other kids than this and the school have actually asked me not to talk to the kids' parents, (not that I would) to let them deal with it. I thought this was standard policy.

Sounds like a great idea, mrssoap. At this time of year everyone's knackered and in need of a break, too.

This website has tonnes of useful info that I found really helpful:

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/emotional-intelligence/angry-child

It’s not just directed at you. Plenty of people have said “school deal with it” like school are the police or some proxy parent. School is to learn, whatever you are doing isn’t working so you need something else.

I lived opposite a primary school. I definitely heard quite a bit of the vernacular at lunch and interval - and again worse than 'shit'! And it was a good little primary school in a good part of town.

I always wondered what it was like at DD's school and a few weeks back asked her whether she hard swearing a lot at school. She said no. A kid caught swearing is a Big Thing. She's 10 so I would have expected it to be commonplace but it apparently isn't.

@Mymycherrypie again, if you read my replies you will see I'm trying my best. Feel free to suggest things I have not tried.

I've always just thought he's a naughty kid to be honest!

Kids don't get that way all by themselves. It's not built in. I hope you get somewhere with Senco as it does sound like something is amiss.

The school has to create a learning environment. Children are not with their parents in school. What happens on school premises is dealt with by the school, legally,followingtheir own published policies. I also include the SEND one in this. This is why it is not appropriate to involve parents in dispute settlement. The Head has responsibility for this in the school. The swearing happened in school No one else is responsible for what happens in school.

Of course parents work with schools toenable children to learn andminimise disruption. Nearly everyone has advised the OP to be a bit more proactive about getting her DS's needs evaluated and adressed. She cannot do this on her own but it is not for other parents to be involved either. It is for the school to address.

I've always just thought he's a naughty kid to be honest!

I agree with PP - there'll be a reason. Sometimes they're mimicking behaviour that's normal at home (doesn't sound like that's the case here). Sometimes they're overwhelmed in the school environment (noise, social issues etc), anxious about school work, poor impulse control which is more apparent when they have to sit still for a long time. I would be very proactive about seeking help from the SENCO and working with the school to find strategies that work. I doubt discipline alone with resolve it though - there'll be a reason behaviour is difficult for him more than the other kids.

MintyMabel: As I said earlier most schools will not allow swearing if they hear it. So I am sure your DD does not hear itand every school I have ever been involved with, would say it was a "big thing" too! I guess some people live in areas where parents do not care and pass on such language to their DC who then feel free to swear in school. Its very sad for those DC because if that then is directed at a teacher, it will be an exclusion.

Ask the school for a daily communication book.

What lessons does he do? Is he separated from the the class? Is there one to one break and lunch times?

You seem oblivious to what’s happening at school. Ask the staff what he does in the day. Compare this to an average 7 year olds day. Does he do maths literacy spellings guided reading in groups? Does he complete work?

@BubblesBuddy

He will do homework reluctantly. It takes a lot of persuasion and me motivating him, but I get that from one of my other children so i thought that was normal. He likes reading but he does get distracted very easily and finds it hard to sit and do it.

No one else is responsible for what happens in school.

So a child stabs another in school and it’s only the school that deal with it? No.

There are plenty of ways to improve behaviour at school from home with parental input, if there wasn’t then we wouldn’t all be encouraged as parents to facilitate their learning with homework, reading, award ceremonies, encouraging inquisitive minds etc.

OP it does sound like you are trying your best. The parent being advised to talk to you is wrong but maybe the school now wish for some out of school consequences to be seen by you and your DS.

I think you know, then, that he might be difficult in class due to having to concentrate on somethnig over a longer period. You said he finds the learning diffcult anyway. Some lessons will require more sitting still than others, but if he feels he is not doing well, does not understand something and is struggling, he probably misbehaves to avoid the work and the effort required. Does his 1 to1 manage to keep him focussed? Can the school give you strategies for better concentration at home? Is his homework realistic? Can he actually do it? Is the teacher differentiatining his work appropriately?

Where I used to be a governor, some DC struggled with maths (for example).When a new topic was introduced, they needed help to remind them of previous learning (eg tables, number bonds, lenghts, multiplication etc) to allow them to access the new topic. Is this happening for him? The children sat in the same classroom and were not removed, but they did revision work first. The same with literacy. Revision of what they need to know regarding phonics etc.

Perhaps you could discuss this when you visit?

@GreenTulips that's a good idea. The last time I spoke to his teacher she said he doesn't complete a lot of work as he struggles to sit still. She just says he's disruptive. Your right I don't really have any idea what he's actually like at school other than the odd bits his teacher tells me st the end of the day

Mymycherrypie: For heavens sake!!!! We are not talking about criminal acts!!! We are talking about misbehaviour that the school WILL deal with. Obviously a criminal act is totally different. Please do not post such rubbish.