Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

Oh my stars. I don't let my kids swear at home either. However, I'm enough of a realist to understand that kids swear. Mine and others! I'm afraid if a parent approached me up in arms that my child had sullied the ears of their child with the word 'shit' I'd be hard pressed not to laugh. Which most probably wouldn't help matters!

I have also been on the other end of this situation before. My child was hurt by another, he still has a scar from it. I didn't get angry, I didn't speak to the parents either, the school dealt with it and I didn't blame the parents. One of my children have also been the victim of bullying and again the school dealt with it I never felt the need to confront the parents.

The mum might not even say anything to me, but I was just a bit taken back when the teacher advised her to.

The parent speaking to you is a red herring.
the bottom line is your child is disrupting the other children's learning.
this is a problem.
a big one.
you need to focus on dealing with that appropriately.

Also, by the teacher telling you that's what she's suggested to the other child's parent you have probably been left feeling anxious about some random parent coming over to you in the playground... This has not been dealt with professionally at all

Can I ask why he has a one on one, does he have SEN? I’m asking because a.) that would be a big factor in any advise given, and b.) it’s unusual to get a 1-1 even with high level SEN and people often have to fight tooth and nail to get it.

Does he get punished at home ie no IPad if he misbehaves at school? Or only if he misbehaves at home? My personal feeling is that an hour a day on an iPad and 9pm bedtime is too much for a 7 year old.

Advice*

In regards to your son, do you feel he has extra needs that require a diagnosis?

YANBU, I don't see why the teacher would suggest that. It all must be very stressful for you. Hugs and best wishes xxx

@HouseworkAvoider10 if you read my replies I am dealing with it. I really am.

The school will have a behaviour and sanctions policy. You should read that. However I can guarantee it will not say that parents should sort out discipline in school by talking to each other. I therefore suggest you go back to the teacher, having read the policy, and ask that the school follow it.

It is absolutely not acceptable for children to swear at school. Even around other children and not directly at them. Its worrying people think its OK. It is not and it will be contrary to school rules. These are often spelt out for children and parents too so make sure your DS understands them and the consequences of breaking them. I think the school should doing more about his behaviour in class,for the sake of the other children, and also following their policy regarding how they encourage good behaviour as well as sanctions.

Lastly, I would go and see the SENDCo at the school. Your DS obviously had needs that are not being met and the SENDCo should be able to guide the teacher about how he could be helped. Try and speak to the Head about setting this up. One for after Christmas though. I'm sure you know that swearing and bad behavour will be punished eventually so its best to ensure the school plays its role now because secondary school will not be so forgiving.

@theWarOnPeace no he has no special needs. He struggles to behave in class and they decided a one on one would be best as he also struggles academically.

I do take the I pad away if he misbehaves at school also, but I'm not always told of every little thing he does. For example as I've been told about him swearing at school I will deal with that when he gets home, I don't ignore it.

I feel like his bedtime works for us as a family, and don't feel an earlier one would change his behaviour in school however maybe this is worth a try and believe me I'll try anything.

I was thinking possible additional needs? My son is ASD and was displaying difficult behaviour during unstructured time because he couldn't cope with the environment. We had many difficult conversations with school.
A parent once confronted me because DS had apparently tackled their child during a Tag game, he stood in front of me and wouldn't let me pass through the snickett to get back to my car. He kept pushing me back it was all very scary and I reported him to the police. This shows how stuff can escalate if not handed sensitively

The school were wrong and I would wonder why they had suggested it.

However if your child is disrupting the learning of other children I would be doing everything within my power to change that rather than start questioning the teacher. I’d also be wondering how he knew the swear words and would be really cross that they had been said at school.

I don't think it's 'okay' for children to swear in school. And if mine had got snapped doing it, they would have been punished by the school and supported in that at home.

But to get 'really angry' that a child had heard another child swear (shit, not exactly the worst in the lexicon!) in school? That is surely totally over the top, and clearly out of touch with what innocents our dear wee tots really are?

That poor woman is going to be suffering a permanent fit of the vapours when their kid gets to high school!

He does have special needs! He is truggling academicallyand has one to one assistance. No child without special needs hets this - ever. There just is not sparee money to throw around for children without needs.

You do need to accept that he has needs. You do need to speak the SENDCO about his needs because they might need to start a formal assessment. There will be greater difficulties going forward if he is excluded and his needs are not met.

@Karenisbaren that is really unfair. OP isn’t with her child at school, so what can she do? It’s unfair if the parent is to confront her in the play ground over an incident she had no control over. All OP can do is apologise for her child being disruptive and see what the school are going to do to help his behaviour.

@PrettyPurse I haven't really thought about it to be honest. Maybe it's something I should be thinking about.

In my experience, doing everything possible to ensure that school understands that you are 'on the same side' and want to support it in how it manages your child's behaviour is really important. So if school thinks there's value in parents speaking to each other then I'd, certainly at this stage, trust them on this, show that you are supportive, but make sure it's done in a way that protects you @mrssoap.

Assuming that you're in the UK it's very surprising indeed that the teacher told the other parent to speak to you - in the UK that goes against the policy in most schools (I'm an ex teacher). It's always been very clear that schools and teachers do not discuss individual children with parents or carers other than the child's own, and only discuss how the impact on a parent or guardian's own children will be minimised.

I live abroad now and parents are expected to sort things out between themselves in the rare circumstances that any adult intervenes at all... However I was initially surprised as in the UK it was completely the opposite.

I don't think the teacher's decision to refer the other parent to you will be in line with school policy.

@HouseworkAvoider10
She is having meeting a with the school etc. To be fair to the original person she's not at the school in the day to prevent it and tell him to stop. That's the teachers job to find a way to deal with him. The mum can remind him at home but I'm sure she hasn't brought him up or encouraged him to misbehave. There's lots of issues. Like kids can get anxious. They can get fidgety. They can get bored. Depending on age it might be that they are adjusting to being at school. It might be his personality is to be boisterous and excited. My child is shy and needs alot of guidance. I've not told her to go into school and daydream or not line up quick. I encourage her and say make sure you are good and try hard today. Sometimes she does listen lol. Your message just sounds like you think she can control her son. We all know kids will often do the opposite to what we want?

It is not normal for children to swear in school at primary age. It really is not.

OP: he has an ipad and do you police what he is seeing? Is he getting these ords from siblings? If so, do something about that.

I think DC hearing swear words in school is possibly the final straw for this parent. The OP's DS is obviously having problems at school and other DC are affected. They do not like it. So they complain. I would have complained too. However, this is an escalation of poor behaviour and its not being dealt with, so the parents are noticing that more and more and the school is passing the buck. Swearing in shool is not normal and it is not acceptable.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss I am already working with the school to tackle his behaviour. I have regular meetings with them, I also have meetings with a community health worker, parent support and the school nurse. Honestly I'm doing my best

There is usually a root cause when children behave well at home and badly at school (or vise versa) and that root cause is often that they are overwhelmed at school. Discovering the cause not treating the symptoms is essential when behaviour is good in one situation and disruptive in another as it's likely that addressing his needs properly is the only way to prevent him struggling and thereby improve his behaviour.

Aw diddums, the child heard your son say shit. Does his mother think it will scar him for life? Unless your son has done other stuff to her son then imo she's being very precious. People swear, kids pick it up and might well repeat it at school, she needs to get over it.

It is not normal for children to swear in school at primary age. It really is not

Maybe it isn't in the UK - although from what I've heard flying around the common from primary aged children playing on their own without adults nearby, I'd be very surprised at that. Quite a bit worse than 'shit'!

I lived opposite a primary school. I definitely heard quite a bit of the vernacular at lunch and interval - and again worse than 'shit'! And it was a good little primary school in a good part of town.

I agree with you that it's not acceptable. I disagree that it's not normal.