Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

My child is Autistic and I have many teachers in my family. I have a lot of empathy for teachers. They are there to enrich our childrens' knowledge and thirst for learning and in my experience, not all children respond to same methods of teaching. Most teachers are absolutely amazing and differenciate for all children in the class but unfortunately not all do. There is such a wide variety of learners who struggle to learn in the classroom environment depending on what needs they have. Teachers have a diverse range of children in their classes these days, for example, Dyslexic, Autistic, Dyscalculic, Dyspraxic and all will be able and talented in their own talents and teachers have to consider all these needs as well as behaviour when teaching and hooking the children into their learning. Certain behaviours can stop these children above from learning because some can be so disruptive to the class (and may worry or scare their peers.) I personally don't think that more pressure should be placed on classroom teachers (who often don't have TA support like they once did,) and interventions should be put in place to better support that child in a setting that has specialist behaviour training in that area. If a child's behaviour is so upsetting they are preventing their peers from accessing their learning, that needs to be addressed for that child and his/her peers too. My Autistic child really struggles as it is to learn. He is also Dyslexic. My other child loves learning and would just ignore unwanted behaviour but such behaviour would be extremely difficult for my Autistic child, who would become very anxious, distracted and nervous. Some children can't help shouting out certain words due to SpLD which is totally understandable and not threatening. However if behaviours become so aggressive and disruptive that children don't feel safe in their own classroom environment and the teacher is trying to do his/her best to try and teach without TA support then yes I think it's fine to say 'speak to the Parent.' I also was told once by a teacher to speak to a Parent and I really like the Mother of the child I had to speak to. It's quite clear we parent very differently but that's fine too because all children are different. There are agencies out there to help and the best person to seek advice from are the school SENCO's. I have to parent my children differently because they are very different in the way they interpret the world.

For my son it was about finding the right school for him and now he's thriving. He started reading for the first time after being at his new school for only three weeks, (three weeks!) after two years at his previous School unable to read. I was overwhelmed with happiness and he was clearly flourishing and happy. I do have experience of unhappy children due to other children with behaviour problems. From my experience with my son (who I had diagnosed when he was 4 years old,) I would say, the best thing I did, was ask for help and push for a diagnosis. If you think there is something not right, some people say it's 'labelling,' personally for me, I thought of it as being a good Mum supporting my child. I knew my son was Autistic from the age of six months old and finally he was diagnosed as Autistic at four years old. Even my close family members (one of which is a Headteacher and the others teachers,) didn't think there was anything wrong, and didn't agree with me but I knew and once confirmed they've all been surprised and now believe me and are very supportive.

To ask for help and having an assessment whatever the child's needs, can be the first step to helping them make the right choices as they get older and getting them support through their education. Some Schools also have ELSA's which can help with behavioural problems.

Thinking of you and hope all works out and please remember support is out there, a good school and SENCO should be able to offer some support and advice, just ask. I'm surprised they haven't reached out to you already.

So who are these magic behaviour specialists who can help our children in the classroom then Glitter?

drspouse - As I've explained in both my replies it's worth arranging a meeting with your School SENCO (Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator.) They will be able to support you by referring your child to a behavioural specialist for help and these specialists are amazing. They can be; Educational Psychologists, Clinical Psychologists, CAMHS, ELSA support, Occupational therapists and all have a wealth of knowledge about ideas to best support and help your child at home and for the school to follow through with too. It's about school and home feeding into advice given. You can also go via your GP to be referred to any of these specialists too. Also your local Authority will have a team to support you and your children educationally, again seeking advice from your School SENCO will help with this. I have had to learn a lot about Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder and Dyslexia. I've been on lots of free courses run by the local authority which are amazing. My son struggles in social environments and his behaviour looks like he's misbehaving or out of control but he's actually reacting to an environment in which he can't cope. I've had the judging comments/looks etc and then am told "your son doesn't look Autistic," should he wear a sign?! At the same time I understand that some children may experience the same feelings as my son does but in the classroom setting. From my personal experience of numerous children in my son's class unhappy and feeling threatened by a child who clearly needs some sort of behavioural support, I'm obviously looking at it from that point of view but if I put on my professional hat, clearly something is making that child uncomfortable in the setting and he needs support too to help him adapt to his environment and help him feel settled or like I had to, look for a setting where teachers (especially a Headteacher,) have experience and knowledge regarding such needs. Having the School on your side will only enrich your child's self esteem. As I've said, I had to move my son and although it was an awful decision to have to make because I didn't know if he'd cope with the change, it's the best decision I could have made. His teachers are now outstanding! I'm still learning every day though. I hope the child with behavioural problems in my son's class gets the right support for him too and I'm sure the school are supporting his Parents as well. I'm looking at it from the side of, this child keeps physically hurting my child and some of his peers, so the sooner both he and his Parents recieve advice and support on how to help him the better. Not all children hurt others though. Some are so intelligent they then get bored and that can affect their behaviour so they need to be taught in a smaller environment. Some may be frustrated because they cannot access the curriculum like their peers.

I'm still learning but paramount for me is my child(ren) are happy at School and no-one stops them from accessing their learning. If this does happen then accessing help is key to a successful future.

Gosh! A SENCO! Wow I've never heard one of them! Despite having almost daily meetings with them! And OT my goodness what a novelty!
You may detect a note of sarcasm.
We have all this involvement. The teachers need to understand a child's behaviour to help them in school.
If you have the magic wand that will make a child with behavioural issues no longer have them, you'll be minted in no time.

drspouse Maybe I'm just lucky to have a great SENCO and teaching team surrounding my child and for that I'm really thankful. I thought you were asking advice because you'd never heard of these specialists or had advice from them. However if you've exhausted all of these avenues then I wish you good luck for the future.

I'm questioning your assertion that there are "behaviour specialists" who can magically make children with SEN behave in class without the teacher having to change or manage anything.
I think you are lucky in that your child can behave well with minor tweaks. I don't think you have a magic SENCO and I don't think teachers can just deliver curriculum with no attention to behaviour, either for the class as a whole or for those with issues.

My DW is a teacher and has made some bad calls in the past about how to deal with situations. Teachers are human and often trying their best to handle situations sensitively and properly. They don't always make the right choice. If you feel it was inappropriate, have a word with the teacher. Try not to be confrontational, just tell the teacher why you thought it wasn't the right way to handle the situation. Please remember teachers are human too. I have had my wife come home from school crying on more than one occasion because of how a parent has spoken to her.

drspouse
No one can "magically make your child behave in class" at my son's previous School the New Management team went through five SENCO's in 18 months! Speaks volumes about that Headteacher's sympathy towards children with SEN doesn't it?! She was even suggesting to Parents with children with SEN that they "look for different Schools for their children." Unbelievable I know! My son's new SENCO, Headteacher and teachers are amazing are amazing at his new School and in a different league to his previous setting. His previous School was amazing until the change of Headteacher and her Deputy.

Advice from professionals is paramount to a successful future and I do agree with the previous comment, try not to be confrontational to the support, absorb it and work with School for your child. It's School and home working in partnership for your child that will establish stability and routine. If I thought I knew better than the professionals who've worked with us then I'd feel frustrated too. My child has been under Dieticians since he was 3 years old, none of them with any experience of Autism or Sensory Processing Disorder and I've tried EVERYTHING suggested to help my child eat. I do sympathise with your frustrations but I still constantly seek advice for my son. Some of the most useful help I've found for the above is on You Tube and advice from other Parents in Australia and the USA who seem to be ahead of the game regarding Sensory Processing Disorder.

I do wish you the best of luck. Having an SEN child is having a second full time job. I can spend hours chasing, talking, seeking advice from professionals before the afternoon has even started. It helps that my Manager is incredibly supportive and allows me the time to do this.

Regarding Teachers and the other professionals involved with my child, (and anyone in life,) I respect them and always try to practice what I preach after all we are our childrens' role models. If they observe us being confrontational, sarcastic, etc, they will think that's an acceptable way to behave and in this day and age it really isn't.