Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

483 replies

mrssoap · 19/12/2019 10:22

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

OP posts:
Original poster
mrssoap · 19/12/2019 11:34

@BubblesBuddy totally agree. I do not condone him swearing in school whatsoever, I will be speaking to him when he gets home and dealing with it.

No one has ever mentioned he may have special needs.

OP posts:
BubblesBuddy · 19/12/2019 11:34

Exactly: notnowmaybelater. With this amount of intervention already in place he clearly has needs that are not being met. Mainstream school is clearly a big struggle so what other options might be available? Is there a nurture group or similar he could attend?

Mummyneedsadaddy · 19/12/2019 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DodgeRainClouds · 19/12/2019 11:36

We discourage parents from doing this in our school. I expect the Head wouldn’t be impressed to hear the teacher has suggested this!

Original poster
mrssoap · 19/12/2019 11:36

@BubblesBuddy I'm not sure, I won't be meeting with anyone till after Christmas how, but I will mention this to them. I've never really thought he may have special needs, I've just been told he has a one on one and extra support as he's disruptive in the classroom.

OP posts:
Mummyneedsadaddy · 19/12/2019 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PrettyPurse · 19/12/2019 11:37

I think your GP needs to refer to the Community Pead so DS can be reviewed

Original poster
mrssoap · 19/12/2019 11:37

@Mummyneedsadaddy 😂 I don't think I could beat up a fly let alone a person lol

OP posts:
drspouse · 19/12/2019 11:39

he has no special needs. He struggles to behave in class and they decided a one on one would be best as he also struggles academically.

This is the very definition of special needs - struggles to behave in class and struggles with the work.
You may not have a diagnosis of a particular disorder but this is SEN.

As everyone else is saying, if it happens in school, the teacher should sort it out. It sounds like you are doing a good job, engaging with school, and keeping a tight rein at home (our DS is similar).

The teacher should not even confirm or deny that it was your child (obviously at this age the child themselves will tell the parent but the standard line for reporting home is "Another child bumped heads with your child". "Another child pushed your child". "Another child used inappropriate language and your child was upset".)

Jaxhog · 19/12/2019 11:40

I think I would be tempted to go back to school and to say that you are uncomfortable speaking privately with another parent about an issue that's arisen in school, but that if the other parent and school think it would be helpful, maybe you, the other parent and the class teacher could find a time to all speak together?

This. What happens in school should stay in school. It also doesn't sound like the school has a handle on his behaviour there. But this is up to them to deal with. You were not there.

StarUtopia · 19/12/2019 11:41

I don't need advice on dealing with his behaviour, he seems to only be really awful at school

If you child is incapable of not being a little shit unless you are around, then I'm sorry, you are not dealing with his behaviour.

When a child is aware of boundaries, they do this in other areas of their life.

Of course he doesn't misbehave at home - you've got him an iPad, he's allowed to go to bed at 9pm and he's clearly chilling out.

nowaypose · 19/12/2019 11:43

You’re not dealing with his behaviour if you don’t punish him for misbehaving at school. The iPad should be removed until he learns to bloody behave. It’s all well and good saying he behaves fine at home but he clearly doesn’t at school where I’d argue it matters more.

Ellisandra · 19/12/2019 11:44

That other parent needs to get a grip. Her child didn’t even swear! Just told her mum.

Mine came home one day in Y5 beside herself with excitement and drama “Archie swore today mum and it was one of the really bad ones, the C word!!!”

Turns out it was “crap” Grin

But my reaction would have been the same whichever c word...

“Oh my! I bet Mrs L was not impressed with that!”

I would even need to add any warnings about not copying - because the report it back to mum (both in my case and this class mum) shows that the child understands it’s not a word to use in class.

You sound like a good parent facing challenges.
She sounds like a poor parent who can’t rise to the basics.

Original poster
mrssoap · 19/12/2019 11:47

@StarUtopia so he misbehaves at school because he's allowed an I pad an hour a day and his bed time is at 9pm? Ok. Yes he chills out at home what's wrong with that? He chills out with me! We watch tv together, we play games, we chat, he's actually good company! He plays with his siblings. His I pad is a very small part of his day.

To the person asking if I monitor his I pad, yes I do, I check regularly and there are parent controls on there. Sorry I forgot who asked this.

OP posts:
suzy2b · 19/12/2019 11:48

My grandaughter 11 goes to bed at 8.30 .I think 9 is much to late for a 7yr

Original poster
mrssoap · 19/12/2019 11:48

@nowaypose I do punish him for bad behaviour at school? I've said this in my replies.

OP posts:
NWQM · 19/12/2019 11:49

I think you should ask to speak to the SEN co-ordinator with the classroom teacher. For me the teacher behaved oddly. The incident happened at school and presumably was dealt with at school. The other parent is either happy with how the classroom teacher dealt with it or isn't it.

I'd want to understand how the school are going to deal with any complaints / incidents going forward.

The teacher has left you feeling uncomfortable - you really shouldn't have to apologise - and unsure where you now stand with the parent teacher partnership.

I would want to address that and redress the balance so you are both working to ensure your child is able to act appropriately and thrive in school.

If the other parent is mad at you then they are unreasonable. They may have a point about unimpressed at how school handled it. What has you son said happened? We had an incident once when the teacher laughed at quite a strong string of swearing from a child. They were an NQT and best guess they were actually embarrassed and didn't know quite what to do but.....

Original poster
mrssoap · 19/12/2019 11:49

@suzy2b I appreciate your reply, but all children are different and I have found 9pm works for him, however I am going to try earlier to see if this helps, as it's one thing I have not tried.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrssoap · 19/12/2019 11:52

@NWQM thank you I will speak to the senco. I was only informed of the incident this morning when dropping him off, so haven't had chance to speak to him yet. Teacher just said other parent was very angry and she advised her to speak with me. Which yes has left me feeling anxious about pick up later. I have no idea which child it was he swore infront of.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 19/12/2019 11:54

@Mummyneedsadaddy, I think you and I would possibly get on far too well. I developed a white rash on my tongue from all the soap I had forced in my mouth - the doctor told Mum to cease and desist because it was bloody obvious it wasn't working!

OP, you have the patience of a saint, the way you are politely and respectfully repeating ad infinitum the ways in which you are supporting and engaging with the school to support them to enable your son to behave more appropriately, because apparently some people are incapable of reading what is very plainly written there for all to see.

Original poster
mrssoap · 19/12/2019 11:56

@mbosnz haha thank you, I have to have a lot of patience, I'd go absolutely mad else. It is frustrating though when people don't read through.

OP posts:
liv10 · 19/12/2019 11:56

Just because your 7 year old is disruptive in class does not mean he has special needs. It sounds like he's getting support and it will improve but it won't improve over night. I don't think what the teacher did was appropriate. The matter is being dealt with and there's no reason for her to speak to you.

JemSynergy · 19/12/2019 11:56

Our school discourages parents from discussing this sort of thing, they will always tell parents to let the school deal with it......however, they don't always deal with it which obviously will lead to some parents approaching other parents anyway!

ScrimshawTheSecond · 19/12/2019 11:58

It all seems a bit unclear right now - do you have a clear understanding of why he's acting like this? Sounds like school are taking measures to address it - is it helping at all?

He may have sensory processing issues, he may be feeling very low about his difficulty iwth the work. There may be some other problem. The key and the crucial thing is to find out what the problem is and then take steps to help solve it, I would say.

Punishment is unlikely to help in the long run. Your son needs to feel safe, heard and understood, he needs to have firm boundaries and compassionate care - at school as well as at home.

Original poster
mrssoap · 19/12/2019 11:59

@liv10 no I have never considered he might have special needs but others on this thread think he may do, so I will speak to the senco and see what they think. I've always just thought he's a naughty kid to be honest!

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.