Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

Tbh it sounds like the other parent has gone to the teacher to tell them about the swearing and also wanted to discuss other issues and the teacher has said something like "I'm sorry, I can't discuss this with you. You'd have to speak to mrssoap about that." meaning that they can't discuss another child with someone else's parent.

After that parent had left or said something like "I will speak to them then" the teacher may have realised that their wording suggested the other parent approach you, whereas they were just trying to say "I cant talk to you about that" and so the teacher decided to give you a heads up since they were telling you about the swearing anyway.

@melj1213 possibly as the teacher did also say that the other parent was angry 😩

The one to one certainly does help him keep focussed, the teacher has found that has helped yes.

I will have a lot to speak about when I next go in, things I didn't really think about so thank you

Most of the time I thought teachers tried to avoid parents confronting each other, and were supposed to deal with such things themselves!

I think the teacher behaved inappropriately in this instance.

I also think you might need to have another meeting with the teacher and the school team to see what other interventions/ behaviour management systems could be put in place, since they're not as effective as your own systems at home.

But if the other parent does approach you, I think you should say that this is something the school should be dealing with and refer them back to the teacher again.

The teacher shouldn't have asked another parent to speak with you. However, teachers hear all the time about children who are angels at home but devils at school. If your child has a one to one at school because his behaviour is so bad, there is no way he is an angel at home. I don't believe you parent him the way you are making out.

@GooGoo52 where have I said he is an angel at home? I've said he behaves better at home than at school. Never once said hes an angel at home.

Your son's school sounds useless tbh. Palming off the responsibility to you when the error was made on school grounds would be the final straw for me.
Does he have after school clubs - are they able to discipline him/do you have any issues there?

Tbh BubblesBuddy think it’s pretty rubbish to suggest that if your child is misbehaving in school that you leave it to them because it was on their shift not yours. I used a criminal act as an example but it stands for bullying, disruption, non performance, anxiety the child has, anything. School and home are not separate entities, everyone in the child’s life should work together to ensure the child gets the best out of it.

I am trying not to come across as rude here as I have a child with ASD and ADHD who has some really challenging behaviour so am pretty aware of his hard it can. However what I am struggling to understand is why your letting your child have the iPad after school? It’s effectively rewarding there bad behaviour at school by saying here you go have a treat for being horrible all day. I am not sure what age your child is but swearing is quite unacceptable and generally learned behaviour. The teacher has probably told the other parent to speak to in the hope you may realise how much of a negative impact your child’s behaviour is having on the class. I am not necessarily sure this is the right thing to do to be honest but it’s got you to start asking questions. I would suggest you start embedding some serious rules now.

1. You write a rule list of accept behaviour at school and home. They don’t follow this rule list they get no telly and no iPad that day.

1. They start misbehaving at home they go to there room.
2. They go to bed when you tell them not late at night. Disrupted or lack of sleep can cause major difficulties for a child including neurological damage and poor behaviour. Your child’s behaviour at school may well be largely to do with being late to bed at night.
3. On a school day they get a max 30 min limit of iPad time and other times 1 hour. Never after tea time as it over stimulated kids minds.

Unless your child has an underlying condition these rules will make a massive difference to there behaviour at school, sleep pattern and concentration level. If your child does have an underlying condition it will help them learn there are consequences for unacceptable behaviour.

What are the consequences at home if he misbehaved in school? is he getting the message that he gets the same punishment no matter where he misbehaves. So if he is bad at school that means no ipad and early just as it would mean if he misbehaved at school

The attitude from some pp on here to swearing chidren is just awful. Stop children doing this. It limits language acuisition. They need to express themselves clearly and accurately. They should not copy poor language from adults. They should be encouraged not to use swearing in inappropriate places. Some work places would not tolerate it and neither will some schools.

Given that my children have never been snapped, at school or by any adults, for swearing, I'm comfortable they have been suitably encouraged and instructed as to not swearing in inappropriate places.

That does not mean I'm so naive as to think they don't swear. Being a swearer has not had any impact whatsoever on either their, or my, language acquisition. We're the kind of people who tend to get teased and put down for using 'big words' and words other people have never heard of, that are ordinary parts of our everyday lexicon. I think that being voracious readers has far greater impact on whether a person possesses a wide vocabulary and a love of the English language.

So confused by the number of people who seem to think school is “the teacher’s shift”. I will tolerate a certain amount of poor behaviour at home (with appropriate consequences) but if my child disrupts the learning of others or is rude to people outside the home, that is when I come down like a ton of bricks. It’s completely unacceptable. I delegate my child’s education to teachers but it is ultimately my problem.

Sounds like it might be good to look at why he might be finding it hard to focus and sit still.

Most young kids need to run about, be outside plenty, get lots of exercise and fresh air. So does he get plenty of this? Might be worth checking diet, too, in case there's something he's not getting or something that doesn't agree with him.

Some kids have found - for example - rubber bands, blue tack to fiddle with, an exercise ball to sit on - can help with focus, I know my school has used all of these things at certain times for some kids. They also have special rooms where kids can go to chill out or get support/help.

@Fundays12 I appreciate your reply, but please read my other replies as I keep having to repeat myself.

I do punish him for his behaviour at school although I'm not told about every bad thing he does. There are some things that he does at school which the school just deal with and I'm not always told about.

He gets his I pad after school if he's not misbehaved. If he has, he doesn't get it. I've said this in my replies.

@churchandstate believe me I feel like it's my problem! I'm not dropping him off and going home thinking it's not my problem now. I am on here because I'm upset and anxious as I know my child is disruptive and is causing other parents to feel angry, it's a horrible feeling.

You need to speak to the senco at school. He clearly needs additional support.

In the meantime I’d try and get him to bed earlier. My similarly aged DD is generally in bed by 7:30. She also has additional needs. The day it literally exhausting for her, but she’d force herself awake for an iPad

I didn’t mean you, OP. I meant others on the thread.

But in your case 9pm at the earliest is simply too late for a 7 year old. There is increasing evidence that poor behaviour and symptoms similar to ADHD are related to chronic sleep deprivation. Your son needs more sleep.

Is he bored in school?
Sometimes very bright children aren't stimulated enough and it can easily lead to disruptive behaviour.

Unfortunately, if a lot of effort is taken to ensure that the ones struggling academically keep up, there often isn't any real effort to engage the brightest children adequately.

The fact that the teacher is complaining to you about disruption but also advising another parent to raise an issue that occurred at school directly with you, suggests to me that the teacher isn't managing the classroom very well.

@mrssoap that is good then. It is important for school and parents to be on the same page about behaviour. Not sure what more can be done. Hopefully the other parent will be understanding you are trying to get control of the behaviour

Parents should NEVER speak to other parents about a child. Thems the rules ! I was a teacher for 30 years.

Haven't read the whole thread but two things I wanted to add

1. DD is 7 and another child said for fucks sake in front of her. I raised it with the teacher but would not dream of approaching the parent. I told my child that she must not repeat it etc and left it at that. Sadly as children get older they will be exposed to swearing on the playground.

1. You say you're a single parent, I am too so no judgement here but what is the background to your DS and his dad, when did the split happen and does he see his dad? Depending on the circumstances, he could be struggling with issues from your seperation or loss of His DF if this is the case. He could Also be having separation anxiety from you if you split recently hence saying school is boring and playing up eg wanting to be home with you.

He gets his I pad after school if he's not misbehaved

Probably been said but I would make this time a sliding scale.

Misbehave and you earn it back over two days. Any subsequent misbehaving adds another day on. So that it is about an accumulation of good behaviour. That will encorage good behaviour the next day too.

@churchandstate the problem is, I have other children that have after school activities, one of which doesn't finish till 8, so often not home till 8.30. So while I can aim for an earlier bed time on certain days it isn't possible.

I would add that YOU need to be more proactive in coming up with sanctions to apply at home for misbehaving at school. Please try to not excuse his poor behaviour when he is not at home.

Not condoning swearing, at all, but I am trying and failing to imagine actually taking the time to complain to the teacher because a 7yo said 'shit' in front of my 7yo