Teacher telling another parent to speak to me

[mrssoap]

Basically my child is very disruptive in class. The school are struggling with his behaviour, this is something we have had meetings about several times. He isn't as bad for me at home, he responds to my discipline which is taking his I pad away, sending him to bed earlier ect. I feel in control at home. At school however Is another story.

Yesterday he swore infront of another child. Child went home told her mum and her mum complained to the teacher (fair enough).

Teacher pulled me aside this morning and told me what happened, I apologised said I would speak to my son at home later. She then said she had told the mum to come and speak to me about it! I think that's wrong to do that.

Opinions please? Aibu to think the teacher shouldn't have advised that?

It is possible, OP. 8pm is far too late to finish activities in a family with small children. You need to prioritise sleep for your son.

@giggleshizz we split 2 years ago so not a new thing. His dad isn't the most reliable thing in his life to be fair, and I don't think that helps matters but unfortunately his dad being unreliable is out of my control. Although the school did suggest mediation to try and get his dad to be more consistent, however his dad refused this.

@Mushypeasandchipstogo I have never excused his behaviour. Never.

The teacher shouldn't have done that. They shouldn't have mentioned the other parent at all. Completely inappropriate.

My 8 year old DS often comes home and says so and so said the s word today, so and so said the f word today. It wouldn't even cross my mind to report it to the teachers 🤣 And if it turns out he was saying those words then I'd deal with it - and it sounds to me that you're exactly the same. You're doing a great job OP

The teacher isn't handling it correctly, he or she needs to address what happened in school and keep you and the other parent informed as appropriate.

TBH If I heard a child say shit to another child I'd deal with it in school and probably wouldn't talk to the parents if it was a one off, particularly with a child with older siblings (particularly secondary age ones). If a parent brought the complaint to me then I'd discuss it with that mention, mention it briefly to you and then leave it at that.

As a parent I doubt I'd complain about it, I'd deal with it with my child directly, there are plenty of things at school that parents need to address with their children and many of them aren't things that the school need to get involved with.

I disagree with many posters who say he should also be punished at home, remove Ipad, and put him in the stocks!

I think you need to be his safe space, a poster upthread suggested one on one time, opening up a continuous dialogue to try and understand what is motivating the bad behaviour at school. If he feels home is also somewhere to hate then I dont think you will see any improvemnt.

I do think he has some issues and would certainly start pushing for some help from SENCO.

Good luck OP and I hope you and your family have a peaceful christmas.

I have a DD with an extremely unreliable father do I get it. Sadly I think boys often suffer more when their DFs leave

I understand you have other kids to consider re bedtime but my 7 year old needs to be tucked up and having cuddles by 7.30 or she has meltdowns, 9 pm is late for a lot of children.

Finally they are still so young, so much going on in their little heads at the moment. Keep working with the teachers and hopefully you can sort it out. I personally hate the word naughty, there are no naughty children IMO. Just children who need extra support and care.

The school need to sort it and they obviously are not.

My DS could be quite disruptive at school, especially when younger. He was very hyperactive. I was always amazed at how some teachers would tell me as if I could deal with him by remote control while he was in class!

The school system needs to be able to accommodate and be flexible to kids with different needs, and it is not our fault as parents if this doesn’t happen. Punishments or talking to after school don’t really achieve much.

If I were you though, I’d be on at the school a lot, in a collaborative but persistent way, to upscale themselves to mange your child’s behaviour. I did this, went in and insisted on meetings, even short one where we could all put our heads together, maybe even get a Behavioural psychologist - as your GP for a referral or try any route you can - and ask for a behaviour plan to be put in place for your son. You can find many of these on the internet as examples.

Look yourself for good solutions and hand them to the staff and say let’s try this - and then always get a follow up meeting to see how he’s coping.

If they refuse meetings then you will know that they are basically ignoring your sons behaviour needs and opting out. So then go above their heads and insist and get it in writing.

Because what I find gets lost in these cases is, your DS is now seen by the teacher as the one affecting all the other ‘good’ children. And your sons needs to be able to learn and be happy at school is totally forgotten too. They are disrupting others, but they are also probably having a rubbish time themselves.

Your son may need frequent movement breaks to get out his physical energy. He may need to learn in a different way e.g. smaller groups. He may really respond to jobs like carrying books to the head teachers office. They can make these jobs up! Carrying things is surprisingly good to help kids calm down and concentrate. There are lots of great practical ideas out there.

The thing is, I have to consider my other children also. I don't think depriving my other children of their activities so my son can have a bed time half an hour earlier is really worth it. I don't think in the bigger picture, it will make all that much difference. I do appreciate your advice though and I'll think about it.

To the OP apologies you do already stop him iPad as a means of teaching him consequences for his actions. As my son is now 7 I also ban the tv after school if his behaviour at school is poor. Have you tried this? It might seem harsh but it works. The school know this and give him a reward chart through the day and remind him what he is working for.

Being honest I think potentially your son is a lot more tired than you realise. 9pm is very late for a child his age who has school the next day. This is something you may need to look at even if it means scaling back activities a bit.

This maybe quite difficult for you to do as his poor behaviour is at school but can you identify any triggers? Can you ask the school to watch for things such as it when he is a group situation? Is it when the class his busy or noisy? Is it during lunch hour? If you can find the triggers you and the school can work together to put solutions in place to support him.

OP you’re getting unnecessary stick here, you’re doing a great job in a difficult situation and in this instance what your DS has done isn’t that bad at all

My DD is 7, if she came home saying “such and such said the S word in school” I would say... “oh that’s naughty, well don’t repeat it”

If a parent came up to me on the playground and was polite, and said “excuse me would you mind asking DD not to swear it again as it upset my child”, I’d apologise and say that was no problem. It’s the fact that this parent is angry.

If a parent had the cheek to come up to me angry on the playground, I would just blankly look at them and say “oh shit, that’s no good” and walk off and completely ignore them from that point on 😂

It’s a ridiculously precious thing to get mad over. In my house we teach that lots of people swear and that’s their prerogative but we don’t do it incase it upsets someone

@mrssoap Could he hate school because he finds it boring?

He needs a bedtime 90 minutes earlier. And he is the one struggling. Your other children will cope.

Could someone take the other child to the late activities or bring them back home?

OP, I don't think your son sounds like a 'naughty child'. He sounds to me like a kid who, for whatever reason, finds it very hard to behave in the manner required and desired at school.

I guess, if you could get to the bottom of why he finds it so hard, that would be ideal, but that is so hard - often a seven year old finds it very hard to verbalise such things.

But I imagine part of it, is he's finding it hard to behave in the required manner, no matter how hard he tries - and I'm sure he does try! Kids want to please us, and they find it so hard when they know they're constantly annoying us and disappointing us - and that goes for teachers as well. So he must be feeling caught in a constant cycle of failure, frustration and disappointment.

Do school report worse behaviour at certain times or during certain activities? He’s clearly having big problems which it sounds as if they are trying hard to help with.

Have you considered asking for an Ed Psych assessment? This could be very helpful. Schools have very limited funds for these so might be resistant as they will say they are doing x, y and z already but the assessment can be really helpful. You can also ask your GP for a referral for assessment for ADHD or similar issues.

My DS was a pain at school. Not this bad but lots of silly, disruptive and impulsive behaviour. I get how tiring it is to keep having to discuss all of this. Feels so negative.

Lastly I would say that home should largely be separate and certain punishments are not going to have much correlation to the crime. I feel punishments should happen swiftly and be linked to the offence. Removal of iPad could be replaced by getting iPad time for good behaviour so he has an incentive. However, if he is impulsive that won’t make much difference at school.

Good luck. My boy has turned out just fine.

I don't think depriving my other children of their activities so my son can have a bed time half an hour earlier is really worth it.

I agree that it's not ideal to deprive your other children, sometimes it just has to happen as long as it's not every night. Can you make and arrangement with other parents that you will take their child to the activity and then they will bring your child home? I know it's hard, I've had to do it myself.

@liv10 yes he does find it boring.

@churchandstate I also have another child who has special needs, so I have that to work around aswel. I do disagree that my son needs to go to bed at 7.30, I feel this is way too early for him and he just would not settle at that time. I do appreciate you trying to help though.

Unfortunately I don't have anyone that will drop my other child back from these activities as none of them live my way. sometimes my dad is free and will pick her up, or I have asked others in the past, but not on a regular basis. I can't offer to take another child as I have a car full with my own children :/

@MatildaTheCat no real pattern to when they report bad behaviour that I've noticed.

According to the NHS website a 7 year old should need approximately 10.5 hours sleep. So if its lights out at 9 and he doesnt take hours to fall asleep and up at 7.30, he isn't miles off this.

School are crazy to have suggested this. Telling one angry parent to speak to another....if the angry parent abused the other or assaulted them etc then the school could be implicated in this. Its unprofessional and also isn't going to help - you dont know the circumstances of the swearing incident and you cant really agree anything to put in place in school to prevent it again.

Hopefully the other parent will realise they are over reacting about their child overhearing one mild swear word, and not contact you. If they do I'd suggest you meet with the teacher like others have said.

I can see how meeting with the other parent and teacher would help if there were sustained issues between two children but otherwise it's pretty pointless.

It sounds like you're doing all you can anyway.

The teacher should have told your son off, told you and told the other parent it was dealt with.
I cannot imagine what the other parent thinks they are going to say to add to the situation and why the teacher has suggested it, UNLESS it is about something extra which hadnt been made clear, ie teacher said I've sorted it out but I dont know about xxx you'll need to ask mrssoap about that herself. It might not be entirely related. That's the only thing I can imagine. If it's not i would take it up with the teacher, why she is unprofessional handling the matter and point out its unacceptable

As others have posted I really recommend a daily communication book. You write in significant events from home like DS went to bed late, was naughty, or had an early night, enjoyed the picture homework etc and they write back about things throughout the day it helps everyone get a better all round picture of the child when there are definite struggles.

I know how hard it is when you are battling with a child with school struggles, and although you have commitments to your older childrens activities, for a better family health it might be worth having a terms change where you try a different tactic. All activities end earlier, family dinner, bed is earlier, as much of a structured routine by time as possible is implemented and see what happens. Ie set times for everything.

It could be your son is struggling with lack of obvious routine and whilst its manageable at home with a small environment, he is low level tired and in a big scale noisy class room it's too much. His inability to cope is coming out as disruptiviness. Its not uncommon in children your sons age they dont have coping mechanisms or even the understanding of what's wrong. They try and "escape" the situation however they can, disruption is an easy way.
As others have said your child may also for any one of a number of reasons have sensitivities to noise, order(or lack of)movement and again be unable to cope. For some kids the world is just a bit too much. School should definitely be looking for ways to discover a possible cause so the problem can be addressed and you can move forward with a much easier life.

You have other kids, you're doing your best and implementing the best strategies you've found. If you have a fuller picture you may well be in a so much better position to move forward on a more stable footing.

The teacher thing is definitely wrong and she should be told, but perhaps this is actually something in a weird way that might indirectly be able to help your overall situation? There are lots of knowledgable people on here so maybe give it a try. First and foremost get that communication book from school.... And have a great christmas

9pm is far far too late for a 7 year old. Bed time at that age is usually 7:30pm, sometimes 8pm. That is the very latest, on average. In high school for later years 9pm was recommended. What does he eat for breakfast?

If you had trained your son early to go to bed at 7:30pm (instead of, as it sounds, letting him dictate the time), then it wouldn't be a problem now. I question why you ever even let him stay up so very late, in the first place? I find that a lot of the parenting problems are due to the kids ruling the roost, and the parents not enforcing strict rules from the start. So, yes, you would be finding it difficult now, because you didn't effectively parent at the start.

He doesn't take long to fall asleep, he's normally asleep quickly. 5 nights out of 7 he will be fast asleep by 8.45, before I've had to tell him to go sleep. He gets up when his alarm goes off at 7.30, sometimes he's up before that though.