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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

339 replies

Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:27

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

OP posts:
DancingPyjamas · 18/12/2019 09:31

I've never heard of this OP.
If my kids in laws died it wouldn't cross my mind to attend the funeral.
My parent's didn't attend my in laws funerals, why would they? They barely knew them.

Fairylea · 18/12/2019 09:32

If they hardly knew them they probably feel weird attending, almost like they’re intruding.

Quartz2208 · 18/12/2019 09:34

When my FIL dies I would not expect my parents to come they don’t know him and it’s inappropriate
My dads mum did go to my mums dads funeral but they knew each other so it was

With the greatest respect it is a little about you here

SquareAsABlock · 18/12/2019 09:34

Sorry but I do think your unreasonable. Funerals are for people who knew the deceased, to say their goodbyes and celebrate their life. If you need support, could you ask your parents to visit a week or two after the funeral, to see their grandchildren?

AfterSchoolWorry · 18/12/2019 09:34

Yanbu

But if you're in the UK, it seems to be normal there.

Apolloanddaphne · 18/12/2019 09:35

My DP's didn't go to my MILs funeral. They had only met a few times as they live quite far away so they didn't really know them They looked after our dog for us instead so we could go for a few days. My FIL didn't come to the funeral of my DF even though he was living near us at the time. I really don't think this is unusual unless they know each other very well or live quite close.

Butchyrestingface · 18/12/2019 09:35

If they’ve only met them a couple of times, I can understand them not wanting to attend.

TulipCat · 18/12/2019 09:36

I guess it depends on their relationship. In my family it would certainly be odd for them not to attend.

ChristmasCroissant · 18/12/2019 09:37

So you feel that they wouldn't be supporting you if they don't come to the funeral? If you want specific support such as your parents looking after your children (especially the one not attending the service) I would ask them as they might be willing to do that.

It is complicated by the fact that it is your in-laws and you feel close to them, but if your parents haven't met them very often they probably wouldn't go to someone's funeral in those circumstances normally.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/12/2019 09:37

I’m in the U.K. My parents came to DH’s mother’s funeral when we’d been together about 5 years. They knew him well but had never met me. They wanted to support me and DH and were willing to drive the 2.5 hours each way to do that. My dad must have had a day off too. I really appreciated it.

I think your parents are being mean.

Smelborp · 18/12/2019 09:38

You haven’t made space in your life for them to get to know each other though. I have parents and in laws at different parts of the country and we arrange regular family get togethers. Without that they will be strangers and so it would be strange for them to go to a funeral when they’ve not seen them much in life.

myrtleWilson · 18/12/2019 09:38

My side of the family have never attended any of my DHs funerals nor vice versa. I didn't feel any less supported by them during those times for them not attending the funeral. My DHs side did consider attending my sister's funeral but were concerned they'd become an extra "thing" for me to worry about - and I can see the logic of that thinking tbh. Sending love and 💐

Nyancat · 18/12/2019 09:39

Where do you live op? I'm in Ireland and it would be very unusual for them not to go amongst my friends/family/anyone I know! But from reading these types of threads on here it seems as though funerals in England can be more close family/friends only.

Butchyrestingface · 18/12/2019 09:39

They knew him well but had never met me

Who had never met you?

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 18/12/2019 09:39

I am sorry Op this must be a really difficult time for you all.It is so sad to read about your much loved Father in law. I think though your parents had no real relationship with FIL and it would be a bit hypocritical of them to attend.I am sure they will support you all but I would not expect them to attend.Your anger and hurt is misplaced here. Once again I am so sorry for you all at this awful time.

PrimalLass · 18/12/2019 09:39

My mum didn't go to FIL's funeral. She had my kids instead. She barely knew him and it would have been weird for her to be there.

Whoops75 · 18/12/2019 09:40

You can’t have it both ways OP

When the families hadn’t been blended why would they go?

TheGinGenie · 18/12/2019 09:41

My grandparents didn't go to the other set of grandparents' funerals. They sent Christmas cards to each other and saw each other at our birthdays and Christmas but it never crossed my mind that they'd go to the funerals.

whyamidoingthis · 18/12/2019 09:41

This seems to come up regularly enough and you'll get 2 trains of thought. Those who think you should only go to funerals of those with whom you have a close personal relationship and those who think funerals are for the bereaved and you go to funerals if you have a relationship with the bereaved.

I'm Irish and really can't understand your parents' attitude. In Ireland, the norm is to go to funerals of people you have never met, if you have a connection with the bereaved. I went to the funeral of an ex colleague's mother last week. While not compulsory, it was perfectly normal to do so.

Not to go to the funeral of your children's pil would be considered very poor form unless you had a good reason (illness etc). My parents have attended funerals for pil's siblings and vice versa.

Original poster
Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:41

I guess I see funerals as much about supporting the people who have lost someone, as about saying goodbye to the person who has died.

So yes, maybe I do sound a bit "me me me", but it kind is - as in, it is about my husband first, then my children, then me. We are all suffering either a huge loss or trying to help our loved ones deal with a huge loss.

Maybe it's just past experience. When my best friend's dad died, I went to her funeral even though I never liked the man, because I wanted to be there for my friend. My friends PIL came as well, though I don't think they had ever met her dad. A few months ago DH's childhood friend's dad died, and he went to the funeral even though he hadn't seen the dad in decades, to support his friend.

I haven't said anything to my parents yet. I don't want to make a fuss if I'm overreacting. I just thought they might think of coming to support their family, especially their grandchildren.

OP posts:
Instatwat · 18/12/2019 09:42

No, I absolutely wouldn’t expect my parents to go to one of my PIL’s funerals, or vice versa. They know each other and meet up occasionally (with myself or my husband included) but I don’t feel like they’re close enough.

PristineCondition · 18/12/2019 09:42

I would feel weird if people who didn't know and love my dead relation were at the funeral. It's to grieve with family not socialize with strangers.

Limensoda · 18/12/2019 09:42

We want to my son's father in law's funeral because we knew him. We didn't see much of him, only at my son's home, and family occasions, but he was a lovely man who we liked.
We all live quite close to each other, but if he had lived a long way from us, we probably wouldn't have gone to the funeral.
YABU to expect anyone to go to a funeral. My DP didn't go to his own dad's funeral because he couldn't face it....People are different and have their own reasons so it's best not to judge.

misspiggy19 · 18/12/2019 09:43

If they hardly knew them they probably feel weird attending, almost like they’re intruding.

^This. I wouldn’t go to a funeral of someone I barely knew. I

Original poster
Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:43

This seems to come up regularly enough and you'll get 2 trains of thought. Those who think you should only go to funerals of those with whom you have a close personal relationship and those who think funerals are for the bereaved and you go to funerals if you have a relationship with the bereaved.

Yes, I think it's coming from that

OP posts: