to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

[Callistone]

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

My parents parents came to my dad's funeral. My partner himself had only met my dad a couple of times as we'd only recently got together but his parents came to show me their support.

I don't know if they want them there because DC is 8 and has never been to a funeral before, they don't know what to expect

Then tell your parents that you want them there. Don't project it onto your kids.

Sorry about your FIL.

MIL came to my dad's funeral (they've only met a handful of times in the 20+ years that I've known her) and I was a bit surprised and a couple of people commented that it seemed a bit strange that she did come, so no, I wouldn't expect your parents to go the funeral of your FIL, when they don't really know him and it's a long way to travel.

Just saw u have a child , they need support too , I know my kids were happier knowing that their other set of grandparents were there and they could talk to them

To be honest, right now with DC and I am more focused on helping them to come to terms with the death of their granddad.

Quite right too. He isn't even dead yet and you're already falling out with people over his funeral. Having lost my mum as I already said, I can tell you it won't end well if you start this now.

I'm quite surprised and a little saddened by many of the reactions on this thread.

Several of the people who came to my parents' funerals were primarily there to support me - something which was a great comfort to me and for which I remain so thankful - and I would do the same for other people facing loss. Funerals are about those left behind more than anything.

The idea that people should be abandoned to their grief and are selfish for wanting or hoping for support in it is very sad to me.

If you feel able to bring it up with your parents in a calm way I would be inclined to explain you were hoping for their support rather than necessarily anticipating they would be grieving themselves, as you explained it so well here:

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

I think it depends on what is the norm for your family/community. I would have assumed they would have gone, as you said to support their family. For us it's the norm to go. Whether you knew them well enough or not.

I remember when my bil nan passed away, we went to his parents house to pay our respects and this was before bil and dsis were married.

For us it's definitely the right thing to do but like I said depends on each family and what the norm is.

Absolutely would expect them to go if they lived close enough but if they live really far away then no you're being totally unreasonable

My Mum didn't attend my FIL funeral and I wouldn't have wanted my MIL at DF's funeral (she would just have been an extra person to think about.

If they've only met a few times I think it would be weird.

I had the opposite problem - apparently StepMIL was upset that I didn't invite her my mums funeral, because she'd have loved to attend. I must admit I deliberately didn't want to ask her as she's hard work even when my mum hasn't just died!

No, I would never expect them to go if the didn’t know them, or hardly knew them. My parents and in-laws only ever met once.

shiny guilt that I was crying for my dad, not the person whose funeral it was. Every funeral stirs up that original loss.
I have almost the same experience (right down to the teacher funeral )

Having said that I’m stunned by this thread, surely most PIL would attend to offer support to their own child, their child in law & their grandchildren?
Funerals are for the living/left behind —I just try to leave before the drunken singing begins—

I was 8 when my grandfather died. My aunt (from the 'other side' of the family) took me out for lunch when the funeral was on. My parents decided I was too young for the funeral.
Looking back I see their point, I can still remember the lunch, but I think I should have been able to say goodbye.
I think by being there they could support you by helping out with your kids, in whatever way.

I’m Scottish and have been to the funerals of people I have never met. I have attended because I am friendly with, or related by marriage to, their close relatives. I’d have expected the OP’s parents to attend her FIL’s funeral - out of respect for him and to support the OP, her husband, his mother, and the children.

I'm Irish so we tend to go to funerals to pay respects to the bereaved. I find the custom of being invited to a funeral a bit odd. But I suppose we have them buried within three days here which British people seem to find odd.

If your background is one of big funerals and all and sundry coming then its odd. If not then its not odd that they don't want to come.

My mil didn't come to my dads funeral , I thought this was weird as our lives have intertwined for 25 years . Each to their own though .

Ok Mums funeral was a few weeks ago - My MIL didn't attend, partly she is elderly herself at 88 and its a cold do etc and over 250 miles. They have met several times send each other cards at Christmas and Easter (religious) and so on. My Brothers PIL did come - all the way from Ireland, they had met more times and get on reasonably well. No other in laws came. I think it depends, if you feel you need the support and help with the children perhaps ask them directly and it be about you rather than FIL. btw the 3 yr old at the wake will be a welcome distraction for some. At Mum's we had 3 small grandchildren plus 2 grand nephews. Dad loved it.

From my background (Irish) your parents should absolutely be attending your PiL funeral and there would be definitely eyebrows raised and muttered comments if they didn't.

However, my DH's family (English) don't do this at all and family funerals are very small and intimate. I never know where to put myself and there's never enough booze and zero black humour so I never know where to put myself or what to say.

Will be interesting when we get to my parents dying or his parents. They'll probably offend each other

He isn't even dead yet and you're already falling out with people over his funeral

As I said, I haven't said a thing, I'm not falling out with them, I came on here to gauge whether I was wrong to feel this.

I'm saddened that so many people think that it constitutes emotional blackmail that I think, as my DC's parent, knowing their personality and their relationships with other people, that my DC may want their grandparents around to support them during a very difficult time. I don't expect an 8yo to be able to fully verbalise their emotional needs right now and I am trying to guess what might help them best in the weeks to come.

I personally see funerals as both a way to say goodbye to a loved one, and as a way to show a bereaved person that you are thinking of them. I would personally attend a funeral for either reason. As this is my natural response, it's probably not a surprise that I projected those feelings into my parents, and had a natural assumption that they would want to attend to show their support for the part of their family who will be grieving.

However it appears I am in a distinct minority. I will try and either find a way to ask, or work out, what I feel will be best for my DC dealing with their first experience of death and grief, and take it from there.

Several of the people who came to my parents' funerals were primarily there to support me - something which was a great comfort to me and for which I remain so thankful - and I would do the same for other people facing loss. Funerals are about those left behind more than anything.

Yes, true, but that was your parents. In those circumstances, you are their child. People will rally round to comfort you at their funerals.

I personally feel it is not appropriate for in laws to do the same. But then it would come down to family dynamics. If the OP's parents were just like family to the in laws that would be different.

Obviously, the OP's parents should support their own child who is also grieving. But it isn't appropriate at the funeral, unless they want to attend and pay their respects.

On threads like this I think people should have to say where they're from and then some creative person could graph all the responses to a map. I know Ireland and Britain are different on this, but it seems like within the UK and even within England the opinions vary hugely

My dad went to my MIL's funeral. I was surprised, TBH, as he'd only met her a couple of times. My mum looked after my DSes for us. When my dad died, my FIL looked after the DSes during the service, so didn't come. My parents went to my DB's PIL's funerals as they'd known them for years by that point. I think it depends on the relationships between the 2 sets of parents, TBH.

When my MIL died, FIL's parents were at the funeral. It didn't cross my mind that this was odd.

My parents didn’t come to my in-laws funerals. They only met once, I think, at my wedding. They lived four hours apart and were elderly. Tbh my own family don’t visit me, and I’m only an hour and a half away.

We have just had my FIL's funeral. Sounds similar to you - only met my dad at weddings, christenings etc. It didn't even cross my mind that my dad would attend - other side of the country and not someone he really knew.

He offered childcare for me if I needed it as I have 5 and 3 year old who weren't going but that would have been at home.

My sisters inlaws came to my Grandmas but they have spent a few Christmas with her and also looked after my older niece and nephew for the crematorium part. Not sure they would have been there otherwise.