to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

[Callistone]

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

It would be odd to go to a funeral for someone who you have no relationship with.

^ this, surely?

It wouldn't occur to me to attend if I was your DM, OP. Sorry. However I might offer childcare as a way of offering support.

I would have hated my in laws to come to my parents’ funerals. I found the whole ‘public grieving’ thing awful. What does your DH want, OP?

My in-laws have met my father once at our wedding and he lives 6000 miles away. However, as I have supported them through the illness and death of three of their parents, I wouldn't be surprised if they came to my dad's funeral or offered to pay for our flights. But they are super nice and kind. I get that most families might think that was weird.

My parents attended both my Inlaws funerals, but they had met them on numerous occasions.
Don't be so sure that there will be a low turn-out at your Fils funeral though. At my lovely Dads funeral a couple of years ago we expected only immediate family (as he was in his eighties, and had been suffering from dementia for several years). We were amazed that the chapel at the crematorium was packed with neighbours (past and present), old work colleagues (he retired over 20 years before), my brothers old school friends and even the local scout master and his wife!
It was an amazing turn-out, and we had to double up on food at the wake as so many people came back afterwards. We were really touched.
Whatever you decide to do regarding your parents, you and your DH have my heartfelt sympathy at this very difficult time.
Best Wishes.

But they are super nice and kind. I get that most families might think that was weird.

It really isn't about being super nice and kind. Yes, it's lovely if people offer support, financial, emotional or practical after a death, which is obviously a difficult time for everyone. But it isn't always appropriate, necessary, nice or kind to attend the actual funeral. Not everyone wants that, as has been mentioned by a few posters on this thread. We all grieve differently and deaths happen in different circumstances, to different sorts of individual. Sometimes it doesn't feel quite right for the individual or their loved ones to have people who do not know any of them at the actual funeral.

My MIL met my mum several times (Christmas etc). When my (Irish) mum passed away, MIL did ask me if she’d mind if she came along to the funeral. I said of course she’d be welcome, but on the day she changed her mind and didn’t come along. Can’t remember if there was a reason or if she just thought better of it tbh.

I never gave this a second thought.

Just as I wouldn’t have minded if she HAD come.

My mum had also met MIL’s children many times but I didn’t expect any of them to come to the funeral either.

Am I just too laid back? Should I have been absolutely furious?

Am I just too laid back? Should I have been absolutely furious?

Yes, furious!

I do think it varies a lot from family to family and depends a lot on what the deceased would have wanted. Also, what sort of death. So, what works for one funeral, might not be the best for another.

And your sil thought to ask you, which I think is right.

@Callistone

In my second paragraph I meant

My best friend Sue's parents - AND HER HUSBAND'S PARENTS - lived 15 minutes walk from each other, (3 quarters of a mile,) and only met three times in 20 years. Her and her DH's wedding, and the (2) Christenings of the 2 children (all within 8 years.) After that they never met again.

I missed out 'and her husband's parents' in my first post. Sorry

(Most people probably knew what I meant though (hopefully!)

My parents and I laws only met a handful of times.

My parents attended my FIL funeral. Travelling over 2 hours by tube and train and my MIL later attended my mum's funeral, travelling the same distance (but not my dad's as it was quite early in the day).

They did this as a support to me, my DH & children. You don't have to be close to a person to attend their funeral. It's just about paying respect and supporting the family

Bells my experience is similar. We had two random old women who lived behind the church attempting to gain access to the reception after my dad’s funeral “because they were great friends with the deceased” - really? Two 70yr old women were ‘great friends’ with a 36yr old man, but his wife and children knew nothing about it? And they were such ‘great friends’ they didn’t actually know his name, or even his gender? According to our neighbour they were well known for touring funerals for the free food. Fucking vultures.

With MIL’s funeral (which my parents didn’t attend, because they don’t know her and I didn’t “need support” because, sad as I was that she’d died, I was not prostrated by grief like DH was), one of FIL’s work colleagues came along, accompanied by several of her random friends who had never met any of us. They spent the afternoon plowing through the free wine and having a whale of a time. Again, none of us were “grateful” that they’d deigned us with their presence. You do not turn up to strangers’ funerals to have a free party in their garden.

My ILs didn't come to my parents' funerals and I would have been horrified if they had wanted to. My parents only met them 3 or 4 times and didn't much like them and I most certainly wouldn't have wanted them there.
It is different in those circumstances when both partners' parents get along well and have an actual friendship, but there is no need to attend the funeral of someone to whom you are tenuously connected by marriage.

In my experience in laws have gone to funerals. But in these cases it has been less than 2h drive and these people meet in family events at least once a year. I don't think it's obvious that your parents should come since they don't know your in laws.

If my fil died my parents would attend BUT we all holiday together we spend Christmas all together my DM and MIL see each other most weeks and they text each other, in your circumstances I wouldn't expect it. If SIL (DBs wife) had a parental bereavement my parents wouldn't attend because they barely know her parents, they would offer to look after my DNs, their grandchildren if it made things easier. YABU

I wouldn't expect them to come to the funeral but I don’t think it would be unreasonable for you to ask them to come to care for the children and be the one to take them out of the church or for a walk durning the service if it was required.

I live in the US now and the attitude towards funerals here is very different and in my circles OP would be right to be upset, it isn't about the relationship with the dead person but about being there for the grieving family members. I get that this is different in the UK though but I don't blame OP for being upset. I have been to funerals/wakes of people I have never met since moving here!

When my FIL died all of my family came inc my parents & siblings & one of our close friends. They maybe saw each other a couple of times a year but it was for my DH really to show support for him but it meant a lot. My family are quite close though especially when things get tough. Sorry you are going through this. 💐

ILs didn’t come to either of my parents funerals but they did look after Ds as he didnt come (was little).

I had only been married five months when my mother died, my only surviving parent. My in-laws came to the wedding and they too live a long way away and they did not come to my mother’s funeral either and it did hurt me, it would have been really nice to have the support.

However, now that we’ve been married 19 years I should have seen it as the harbinger of things to come and had I known now what I knew then I wouldn’t have been surprised. What comes around goes around though.

Weird to be talking about a funeral of a person who is still alive.
Just enjoy the time you have left with him before making a guest list.
So strange.

but about being there for the grieving family members

But how many tiers of connection does a grieving family member need? I supported my husband at his father's funeral. I wouldn't have needed my mother to support me to support him. Or my father to support my mother to support me to support him. When my parents died my husband was there by my side, supporting me. I had no need of any in laws who didn't even know either of my parents beyond meeting at our wedding. Our close relatives were there for us and our children. None of our respective family members had ever met beyond our wedding day. Surely support comes from immediate members of the family of the deceased in their shared grief. I think it's a bit odd for an in-laws mother to turn up to support the in-law.
I just don't get it at all

Never heard of parents going to their DC's in-laws funeral except where the two sets of in-laws knew each other anyway (think small village or both fathers working together or some such).

YABU - I wouldn't want to attend if I were one of your parents and I'd be 'surprised and saddened' if you tried to guilt trip me into going.

I am very sorry about your FIL OP.
I don't think you are wrong wanting your parents to attend the funeral, but don't criticise them for not thinking of it themselves if it is not their norm.
Just ask for their support.
I am Irish and my parents met my now DH's (then boyfriend) parents for the first time when my parents attended the wake for his uncle the night before the funeral. They didn't attend the actual funeral.
This was a very normal thing for them to do in Ireland and I found out later actually reassured my MIL greatly about my family.
She had been concerned that we might be a bit too posh, but my parents understanding proper funeral etiquette laid her concerns to rest.

My parents came to fil's funeral recently. My dad came to see him before he passed and stayed for the funeral. My mum stayed a week and supported my mil, me and dh. She helped out with the kids and cooked for us. My dh appreciated that she took time out of her own life to help support him. She also supported my dd who lost her beloved grandad and at 3.5years has been struggling to understand where he had gone.My parents live 4 hours away from us and have met in laws a handful of times but exchange birthday gifts and phone calls. Family should come together in times of need and if your son or daughter in law have lost a parent why would you not come to the funeral to support them and pay your respects? I am asian though and in my culture this would be a very big no no.

I think if it was me my parents would 100% go even though they have only met 3-4 times in 8 years. It’s about paying your research Aswell as saying goodbye, I think my parents would know I would have to support DH and in turn I may need someone to lean on. They do not have to take front and centre but sitting at the back for any service would be the right thing to do IMO.