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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my parents would come to FIL's funeral?

339 replies

Callistone · 18/12/2019 09:27

DH and I have been together 15 years, and have two DC, 8 and 3. While I know this might seem strange to some people, my parents and PILs have only met briefly a handful of times. They live quite far away, DH and I had a paperwork-only wedding with two colleagues as witnesses etc, so there's never been big family events for them all to attend. They exchange Christmas cards, but probably haven't seen each other in years.

FIL is sadly dying, we're on the last few weeks now. It's been quite a shock out of the blue and it hasn't been that long from diagnosis to now.

When I mentioned about the funeral the other day, DM said something along the lines of "let us know how it is afterwards", and it turns out that they weren't planning on coming. DM's excuse was "it's such a long way to go for a few hours".

I'm so angry and disappointed but I don't know if I'm BU. DPs are in good health. DF loves driving so there's no issue with driving to the town where FIL lives. They have no money worries at all so if they wanted to stay over before or after the funeral, they could.

I appreciate they don't know FIL personally but I just thought that they might want to be there for their daughter, their SIL, and more importantly their grandchildren. The 8yo especially is understandably in pieces and I had thought my parents would be there to help them on a difficult day (8yo wants to come to the funeral, 3yo won't be).

AIBU to be so hurt by this?

OP posts:
ohprettybaby · 18/12/2019 10:21

My DM and DSis came to my DMil's funeral despite having only met her once, 15 years previously. I was surprised they did come because they didn't know her.

I wouldn't expect your parents to attend your DFil's funeral because they don't really know him. They can give their support to you afterwards. Their behaviour sounds pretty normal to me.

AryaStarkWolf · 18/12/2019 10:21

Having said that I’m stunned by this thread, surely most PIL would attend to offer support to their own child, their child in law & their grandchildren?

Absolutely if they were close enough to do so

user68901 · 18/12/2019 10:21

Many people attend funerals to show respect and support to the bereaved. They wouldn't in least expect to have their hands held if they knew few people. Think of all the people who went to the ex serviceman's funeral a couple of years ago who died with no family or friends. It's about showing respect.

Wexone · 18/12/2019 10:23

As people say its depends on what your used to. In Ireland Funerals are huge. People go even if they barley knew them or only knew them through somone else. When my father in law died all of my family went, it was a great support to me and they also helped out at home. If my siblings in laws died i and my partner will surely go to the funeral. I do think your parents are being a bit mean and you need to discuss this with them. Express that you would like them to attend. They should be able arrange their lives for it as my understanding is that in England you have to wait two weeks for the Funeral, where as in Ireland its like 2 days after the person dies

Noodledoodledoo · 18/12/2019 10:23

My inlaws didn't attend my Grandma's funeral.

At my mums funeral I didn't feel people were there to support the family but to say goodbye to her, lots of them I had never even met so would have no connection with. Some were there for both.

I would consider if you could ask for childcare if you don't think your 3 year old would cope well - I didn't take my two as I wanted to not be distracted by them.

heartsonacake · 18/12/2019 10:24

You’re still tying to project it onto your DC that they’ll want their grandparents there. Why would they? They have their own parents there to support them, that is literally your job.

Your parents have made it clear they don’t want to go. There’s no need for them to. So it’s very cruel to try and emotionally blackmail them by using your children, particularly so when it’s not even them that wants them there, it’s you.

Lllot5 · 18/12/2019 10:24

The people you know are obviously better than me ( not being sarcastic)

I think a lot people go to a funeral because they like the drama.

Just to be clear I don’t mean this is the case for your situation op.

RuggerHug · 18/12/2019 10:24

YANBU. But I'm Irish, we've a different attitude to death and mourning than the UK. It would be very odd for your parents not to go to FILs funeral here.

karala · 18/12/2019 10:24

I'm in the group that you go for the bereaved as well as the person who has died - but if it's not in your family's experience to do that sort of thing then I can see how it would feel odd to do it. I think in your position I would have a gentle discussion with your parents and explain that it would be helpful to you and your DH if they could come. Flowers

Steenac72 · 18/12/2019 10:24

My parents drove 3 hours to my DFIL funeral when my DH was still only my boyfriend and they had never met DFIL. They came to support my DH who they were very fond of and of course to be there for me as I was supporting my DH. I would also be hurt.

Steenac72 · 18/12/2019 10:25

@RuggerHug also Irish here maybe that is the difference! Would be very bad form to not go here.

Burru · 18/12/2019 10:25

Another one very surprised at all the YABU.

I would feel very hurt at that, surely your parents have a close relationship with their son in law and should be there to show support to him at the very least!

I’m in the UK and even at our work we’ll attend the funeral of a colleagues parent who we’ll unlikely have never met. Funerals are just about those who’ve passed.

eggandonion · 18/12/2019 10:25

I'm in Ireland - added benefit of 'the removal' and the wake... FIL died recently, and various inlaws of children and grandchildren were there. There were also a few kids being looked after by family members who were brought along to lunch after the burial.
In fact the afters was bigger than the funeral in a way, as FIL was elderly and many of his friends were either dead or too infirm to attend.
Dh's secretary in work reads 'the deaths' and sends round an email with funeral details when a colleague is bereaved.

Butterfly02 · 18/12/2019 10:25

I dont think that in laws should specifically go to the funeral however that's my personal opinion.
Regarding children and funerals I was lucky to have lot's of great grandparents when I was young however they slowly passed on from me being about 8. My parents would ask the opposite side of the family to look after us during the funeral then we were brought to the wake by said family. This way my parents were able to support each other at the funeral and then we were able to be part of it to and have an understanding of what was going on.
I've continued this with my children as it has seemed to work for us.

Teachermaths · 18/12/2019 10:26

In the kindest possible way, your 3yo cannot possibly have an opinion. Even your 8yo will not be expecting emotional support from someone who lives miles away surely? Your child will look to you for support. I think you are making this into more of a big deal than it needs to be. This is understandable because you're emotional about FIL passing away. However your parents have not done anything wrong at all here. They have behaved entirely rationally.

OceanSunFish · 18/12/2019 10:26

Really surprised at these responses. My parents and PILs are not close at all, but when one of them dies I would be shocked if the others do not attend the funeral (except for health reasons).

Marmite27 · 18/12/2019 10:28

YANBU. I’d expect them to attend to support you all.

We attended the funeral of my husbands friends wife’s father. She was in her late 20’s, had just had a baby and it was 6 months after she’d buried her mum. She needed our support. It didn’t matter that we’d only met her dad at her wedding.

AlaskaElfForGin · 18/12/2019 10:29

I'm not sure about this. I come from Glasgow and it's not uncommon to attend a funeral to support loved ones left behind. A few of my friends who didn't know my parents that well came to their funerals and that was pretty normal.

I live down south now and it would not be common to do that here.

Ginfordinner · 18/12/2019 10:32

I’m sorry, but why would your parents go to the funeral of someone they barely know? In my family and circle of friends it really isn’t a “thing” to go to the funeral of your child’s in-laws unless they know them really well. I’m in the UK BTW.

My parents met DH’s parents just once – at our wedding. I had no expectations of MIL coming to the funeral of either of my parents.

In Ireland, the norm is to go to funerals of people you have never met, if you have a connection with the bereaved

And this just seems weird to me.

Has no one else ever gone to a funeral to support someone else, not to say goodbye to the person who has died?

Sort of, but in both cases I did know the deceased reasonably well, but I wouldn’t have gone to the funerals if I didn’t feel I needed to support the bereaved. In one case it was a schoolfriend of DD’s who had lost his mother. Nearly everyone who had been in his class at primary school, plus their parents came to the funeral because it was principally to support a bereaved teenager. I think this is different from your situation though.

Walnutwhipster · 18/12/2019 10:32

Mine did but they got on and knew each other well. After our fathers died my mum and MIL holidayed together a couple of times a year until mum died this year.

spiderlight · 18/12/2019 10:34

My in-laws drove for four hours to get to my dad's funeral. They only saw him a couple of times a year but were very, very fond of him and they came to support me, DP and DS as much as anything else. Funerals are for the bereaved more than anything else.

whyamidoingthis · 18/12/2019 10:35

All the people saying they would feel awkward etc, I can only assume funerals in the UK are very different to Ireland.

In the last year, I've been to 4 funerals. I knew the deceased (uncle) in one. The others were parent of ex colleague, spouse of an acquaintance (both of us on PTA) and husband of friend of mil.

In Ireland the funeral is a 2 day affair (sometimes longer). There are 2 parts: the removal and the funeral itself. The removal takes place in the home or a funeral parlour and the family are all lined up for 2-3 hours with a, usually open, casket and people walk past, shake hands/hug, and commiserate. If it's a big funeral, you could be queuing for a couple of hours to get in to commiserate. If you aren't close to either the bereaved or the deceased, you would then leave immediately. If you are close, you would wait for the prayers or talk afterwards. If it's in the house, there would usually be refreshments so people would often stay and chat. You would only go to the funeral itself if you were close to the bereaved or decreased or you were unable to make the previous evening.

Havaina · 18/12/2019 10:35

My mum would go to my MIL’s funeral but not my FIL’s, because she has no relationship with him.

It doesn’t sound like there will be many people at the funeral so I would mention that to my parents, that numbers are low and if they could come along and support their grandchildren primarily that would be great but if they can’t then that’s fine too.

NoSauce · 18/12/2019 10:36

How far do your parent live from your in-laws ?

AryaStarkWolf · 18/12/2019 10:37

YANBU. But I'm Irish, we've a different attitude to death and mourning than the UK. It would be very odd for your parents not to go to FILs funeral here.

I'm also Irish and whilst I do agree that normally you would, if it was a really long distance away and you parents didn't really even know the FIL then they probably wouldn't go